In the Kitchen

 

Yesterday Aidan, Kimball, and I went outside to play. 

Kimball's had a bit of a cough and runny nose, and Aidan's (and me) been a little stir crazy, so I thought the fresh air would be good for all of us. Plus, I'd been so busy doing about a million loads of laundry that I hadn't given much attention to my kids all day. 

We played chase, kicked around a soccer ball and threw it way up high into the air until it almost touched the trees, and flew their toy airplane to each other. When we were all sniffing from the cold air and the sun started going down, we grabbed the soccer ball and toy airplane and clomped back up the stairs to warm up inside. 

I had a few things to finish up with the crock pot meal I had put in that morning, so I headed to the kitchen while Aidan and Kimball played in the living room. I could hear their cute voices in the background as I walked back and forth between the fridge, sink, and counters. When I finished, I didn't hear them fighting and they seemed content, so I decided to take a mini break for myself. 

I quietly slid down onto the kitchen floor and leaned back against the wall between the fridge and the kitchen cabinets. As I sat there, I took a much-needed long, deep breath and let it out slowly. It had been a long day of juggling and disciplining and focusing on the different tasks at hand, so it felt nice to just sit and stare at the kitchen table across from me for a few minutes. 

Pretty soon I heard Aidan call out, "Mom! Moooooom! Where are you? Mooom!"

I let him call a few times before answering, "I'm over here, bud."

His little voice, "Where?"

"In the kitchen."

His little feet padded over to where I was and once he saw me, a huge smile spread across his face. 

"What're you doin'?"

"Just sitting here."

"Want to play with me?"

As Aidan walked the rest of the way into the kitchen and started playing with the letter magnets on the fridge, I heard Kimball make his way over to us, too. He had a book in one hand, clumsily waddled over to me, and plopped himself in my lap so I could read to him. 

My little break was over, but as I held Kimball in my lap and listened to Aidan recite the ABC's to himself next to me, I couldn't help but snuggle close to both of them and feel an immense amount of gratitude for my sweet children here. I felt my heart get a little bigger, a little softer, and a little more full of love. 

It's hard and wonderful being their mom, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Not a thing in the world. 

They are my forever and always will be. 

Power in Motherhood

This week I made it a goal to get outside at least once a day with the kids. We've been cooped up with potty training and rainy weather. Since potty training turned out to be a bust (we'll try again in a few weeks), and the rainy weather isn't too cold in the afternoon, I've decided even if it's raining, we're at least going to get out the front door on the porch to breathe in some fresh air. 

Yesterday was the perfect start to the new goal. It rained in the morning, but the sun peeked out through big, fluffy, white clouds in the afternoon, drying out the wet air. After nap time and a quick snack, we got ready to play on the still-patchy, but green, grass. 

I quickly changed diapers, pulled on Aidan's Lightening McQueen shoes, and stuck my feet into my flip flops. With a soccer ball and blanket in one arm and Kimball in the other, I opened the front door and didn't even have to coax a football-in-hand, totally excited Aidan who said, "I got it!" when I tried to help him open the screen door that enabled our final escape to the outdoors. 

He finally figured out the handle and pushed the black door open. He walked a few steps, then stopped and threw the football over the metal railing onto the grass and sidewalk below. Then we all hurried down to "play ball."

I set Kimball down on the dry grass, laid the soft, blue and yellow baby blanket down next to him, and then lifted him up and over onto the blanket. He was content just sitting there watching Aidan, playing with the soccer ball, and eating grass when he was able to grab a fistful of it. 

Those overalls just kill me. I wish I had a million more of them to dress him in. :)

While I was getting Kimball set up, Aidan took off across the lawn to a tall, dry bush at the edge of the parking lot on the other side of our apartment. Then he ran back, laughing and plucking up yellow dandelions along the way. He was almost beside himself being outside again. Obviously, this goal will be good for all of us. 

After sitting with Kimball for a little bit, I watched as Aidan ran up to me and asked, "Mom, play?" 

Well, how could I resist that?

I jumped up and chased him around, snatching the soccer ball from his hands and running away with it. He grinned from ear to ear and laughed with joy at the game. He then ventured on his own again, climbing the wooden fence, jumping in a small, muddy puddle, and asking me to help lift him to touch his fingertips to the lower branches of a tree. A few minutes later, I jogged over and picked up Kimball, balanced him on my hip, and sprinted after Aidan again. We ended up crowded together by the fence and watched planes fly by. "It's flying away! Bye, white plane!"

When we got tired, we all plopped back onto the blanket and grass and enjoyed the breeze playing across our faces and running its fingers through our hair.  

At one point, Kimball crawled into my lap, leaving the baby blue blanket sitting by itself right by my knees. It was then that I thought of Alma. 

That blanket was given to us at Alma's baby shower, and I've used it for both Aidan and Kimball. I thought of how he might be saying, "Play on the grass, Mom?" like Aidan does. Since he's a year older, he'd probably be saying it in more complete sentences, but I couldn't help but think a piece of him was there with us. The wind on my face. The yellow sun shining down, warming us up. The sounds of a toddler's laugh and a baby's happy squeal. The joy emanating from my heart in addition to the sweet love I felt for all of my boys. 

It's interesting how grief comes unexpectedly. It wasn't so mean yesterday since it was more of a reminder of Alma rather than a sudden, sporadic, heart-wrenching moment of missing him. It was a slight tug, helping me remember him and imagine him playing and giggling with his younger brothers. 

That slight tug yesterday reminded me of the sacred role of motherhood. Sometimes I get caught up in filling empty stomachs, diaper changes, grocery bills, brushing teeth, bath time, building block towers, kissing bonked heads and smashed arms, preparing the diaper bag, reading scriptures, praying, creating activities, bouts of boredom, and digging deep for patience - all the while wondering if it's amounting to anything. The world doesn't cheer mothers on, and it's easy to get caught up in wondering if there's "more" I could be doing that has "greater impact."

Then moments like yesterday happen - stacked on top of hundreds and thousands of precious, sacred moments - when I see the glow of delight on Aidan's and Kimball's faces and, with grief, I feel close to Alma. 

Those moments, along with the hard moments that come with motherhood, are when I remember that being a mom is who I am supposed to be and motherhood is the greatest thing I could ever do. Nothing could ever replace it, and I am grateful to be a part of all of the moments I get to experience with all three of my kids. 

And I'm excited to get outside more this week. :)

"Some women are not given the responsibility of bearing children in mortality, but just as Hannah of the Old Testament prayed fervently for her child, the value women place on motherhood in this life and the attributes of motherhood they attain here will rise with them in the Resurrection. Women who desire and work toward that blessing in this life are promised they will receive it for all eternity, and eternity is much, much longer than mortality. There is eternal influence and power in motherhood."

~Julie B. Beck~

Love All Around

We're all sick around here (not Jayze, though - yay!). Yet, even with the sickness, I can't help but think of how much I love my family. This sickness has forced me to slow down and forgo my to-do lists - and I'm all about lists - for a couple of days and really live each moment with intention and purpose.

Purpose in giving my little ones Tylenol to help bring their fevers down. Purpose in giving two, aching boys a much-needed and fun bath. Purpose in wiping snot-covered noses again and again. Purpose in watching Aidan hop around and play with his cars even though I can tell he's not feeling very well. Purpose in bouncing and rocking a fussy baby, praying for him to fall asleep because I know it will help him feel better. Purpose in changing diapers, in soothing painful cries, and in digging deep for patience. Purpose and intention in all of these moments that make love more apparent in the seemingly tedious moments of parenting.

Love was apparent when last night, I fell asleep exhausted, still in my jeans, and Jayze got up this morning to feed Kimball so I could keep sleeping even though he's driving six hours today. It was there when while Kimball finally fell asleep for his morning nap, and Aidan and I snuggled on the couch, held hands, and watched a movie together. I recognized it in the way Kimball hasn't wanted me to put him down more than a few minutes because he is so miserable and wants a comforting touch.

Love was all around me yesterday when the sickness really took its toll, and it's continued into today. Which is fitting, since today is Valentine's Day.

I am grateful for my little family. I am grateful for the abundance of love in each of my boys' tiny in size, but huge in sweet tenderness, hearts. I am grateful for moments like today when, even though sickness abounds and we're all kind of miserable (especially Kimball), there is still so much love in our small apartment.

But mostly, I'm grateful for the love of an all-knowing, all-caring, all-loving Heavenly Father. I am grateful for the love of His Son, Jesus Christ, who loved me so much that He suffered and died for me. They have never let me down. They have never left me alone. They have never left me comfortless. They have never given up on me. I hope that I can become more like them and respond to my children and brothers and sisters like They would. I know I can't respond in the perfect way They do because I'm definitely not perfect, but I'm grateful I can try and They can help me try and succeed. I hope that I can remember to respond to their love in a way that I recognize it even in hard moments and in a way that I'm grateful for it even when I don't necessarily feel it.

So even though my expectations of doing Valentine's Day crafts with Aidan and Kimball, making a delicious dinner, and getting out of the house and doing something fun because I actually have the car today are pretty much down the drain, I'm okay with it because this is where I'm supposed to be and it's where joy and love can still be found.

"We are surrounded by people who desperately need someone to lift them. Some may be friends. Some may be strangers. All are our brothers and sisters. 

So let's try a little harder. Let's reach out a little farther. Let's lift a little higher. They are depending on us. God is depending on us, for 'we are the Lord's hands here upon the earth, with the mandate to serve and to lift His children.'

Our individual efforts may seem-a kind act here, a selfless sacrfice there-but collectively our small efforts can make a big difference in the lives of others. And in the end, those who spend their lives lifting others will themselves be 'lifted up at the last day."

(LDS.org Blog Staff)

This Morning

Sometimes - not very often - Aidan wakes up crying and screaming. But when we go in to comfort him, he is still mostly out of it and goes right back to sleep after we rub his back or head a few times, offer words of comfort, and drape his blanket around him again. It seems an unspoken rule that Jayze usually gets up to comfort Aidan since I usually get up with Kimball. So, when Aidan woke up screaming around 4:00, this morning, I thought things would turn out the way they normally do.

I rolled over and woke up Jayze, "Aidan's screaming really hard. I don't know what's wrong." Jayze took a minute to rouse himself and then groggily got out of bed to comfort Aidan. By that time Kimball needed comforting too. Jayze went in their room, consoled both of them, and came back to bed. A few minutes later, Kimball started crying again, so it was my turn to groggily get up, grab a bottle, and feed Kimball.

As I was feeding Kimball, Aidan kept sitting up in bed, laying back in bed, giggling off and on, whining off and on, and dozing. I kept telling him to, "Shhhh, go to bed. It's still bedtime." By the time Kimball was done eating, Aidan had finally relaxed into a comfortable position and had quieted down. As I kissed his forehead and said goodbye, I thought for sure he was going to go back to sleep.

No more than a couple minutes after I had crawled back into bed, I heard Aidan open his door, then I heard his little hand turn the doorknob and and our bedroom door swung open. Most of the time he goes to Jayze's side of the bed because it's closer to the door, but this time he quietly padded over to my side.

I whispered, "Hi, Aidan."
He said, "Up?"
I asked him, "Do you want to come sleep with us?"
He thought for a moment, smiled, and then said, "Eus!" (Yes)

I told him to climb on up. He started to, and then I grabbed him under his arms and pulled him the rest of the way up. Jayze said, "But you have to sleep," because whenever he wants to come into bed with us, it's to play.

I laid him down next to me, covered him with the blanket, told him to go to sleep, and then I dozed off. He took a little bit to actually fall asleep, but when I half woke up awhile later, I could hear his little snore. There we were: Jayze, me squashed in the middle, and Aidan.

My non-snuggler didn't want me too far. Every time I tried to move, he would come closer. His head knocked against mine and then stayed there, and his foot wedged between my knees.

It was the cutest thing.

Later, Jayze got up to get ready for work, and I stayed in bed for another half hour to snuggle with my toddler. Right before I got up, Aidan shifted and put his hand on my arm. Of course I had to stay there at least another five minutes. :) It wasn't until I heard Kimball crying in the other room that I finally climbed out of bed and softly shut the bedroom door, leaving Aidan to snooze away.

He slept for another hour and came out of the room somewhat confused, but super happy. And even though I hope this doesn't become a habit, this morning it was the best thing ever.

2016 Moments

These are our highlights from 2016:

January:

• Jayze started his LAST semester of his undergrad. (Sorry, no last/first day of school picture, hon!)

February:

• Had the "a-ha" moment to do all of my laundry in one day. Seriously, it's changed my life. 

Oh my gosh, he looks so little here. (insert crying emoji here)

March:

• Aidan's first day of nursery (the same day as Easter!), and Jayze completed a mud run.
• Hit 30 weeks along with baby #3.

• I finished reading the Book of Mormon cover-to-cover. I know it's true with all my heart!!!

April: 

• Jayze graduated with his bachelor's from Brigham Young University-Idaho. HUGE milestone.
• First time to a zoo as a family (Idaho Falls).

May:

• Gave birth to a healthy, breathing, beautiful baby boy whom we named Kimball McCleve Flake (+ 5 days in the NICU). 

• Officially accepted a job offer from Accretive Health, began packing and cleaning like crazy, and had Kimball's baby blessing. 

June:

• Put most of our stuff in storage and moved with just the essentials to Southfield, MI (suburb of Detroit). 

July:

• Continued our wonderful (and sometimes not so wonderful) adventure of living in a hotel.
• Made new friends, explored the area. 
• Celebrated the 4th of July at the Detroit Zoo and finished up the day with Jet's Pizza (I really do miss that pizza).

August:

• Celebrated four years of marriage.
• Jayze's and the kids' first time to Nauvoo.
• Relocated to Wichita, KS.
• Jayze's first day on the real job.
• Alma turned three. 

Nauvoo Temple 2016.

Jayze's first day of work - the same day as Alma's birthday.

September:

• Made my first batch of cookies in our new home! (It was nice having an oven again.)
• Jayze turned 26.
• Aidan turned 2 (!) and switched from his pack 'n play to a toddler bed.

October:

• Kimball's first Halloween. 
• First time to the Wichita Zoo.

November:

• Kimball turned 6 months old. 
• Kimball's first Thanksgiving.

December:

• I turned 25. 
• Kimball's first Christmas!
• Both Aidan and Kimball's first time sitting on Santa's lap (Aidan, "Planes, cars, trucks.")
• Christmas in Arizona. 
• Kimball's first visit to see Alma. 

Jayze made the cake, and it was de-licious.

Missing Alma

Aidan grinned from ear to ear and happily ran to the playground. Once he got there, he was a little more cautious. With some prompting, I finally convinced him to climb the stairs so he could go down the slide.

As he started up the stairs, I looked down to check on Kimball, who was still sleeping soundly in the baby carrier against my chest. I looked up again and saw that Aidan had made it to the top of the tall, brown slide. He sat down, smiled, and seemed to want to come down, but didn't seem sure if he could.

I kept saying, "Come on, Aidan! You can do it! Come on down - it'll be fun! Wait, where are you going? Yeah, come on down! You've done it before!" After a lot of prompting, down he slid until he came to the gradual stop at the end of the slide. Once at the end, he hopped back onto the ground, looked my way, and headed toward the stairs to start the process again.

After he was done with the slide, we walked unsteadily across the wood chips to the horses on springs. It was his first time being on one, since the park we always went to in Rexburg didn't have any. He wasn't quite sure what to do, so I asked him, "Do you want to get on? Here, let me help you." I awkwardly bent down, Kimball still in the baby carrier, and plopped him into the saddle.

A little kid who we had met at the slide and looked to be about 5 years old ran over and jumped onto the horse next to Aidan's. He asked me to hold the little toy he had with him so he could rock away as fast as he could without losing his toy. Aidan stared at the little boy and watched his every move.

By watching the little boy, Aidan slowly made the connection that the horse was meant for rocking, and oh! he could put his feet on the metal stirrups to get more momentum.

Feet on the stirrups.

Aidan grinned and laughed as he made the horse go faster and faster for a few seconds and then he went back to watching the little boy, seeing if he could learn anything new again.

Then a little girl came along, jumped on a horse, rode it for a second, jumped back off, and ran to the sand pit. After that, Aidan wanted to go to the sand pit, too. So I gave the little boy back his toy, grabbed Aidan's hands and pulled him off the horse, and off to the sand pit we went...where Aidan did a lot of standing around and watching, trying to figure out how the sand pit worked. Finally, after watching the other kids for a little bit and after a little prompting from me, he carefully walked over and started playing in the dirt. It wasn't long, though, before he stopped what he was doing and went back to watching the kids all around him.

While Aidan was trying to get his bearings in the sand pit, I stood off to the side, trying to let him be independent. As I stood there, one mom asked me how old Aidan was.

I told her, "21 months." 

She smiled, nodded, and said, "He's a cutie." 

"Thanks! He likes watching more than he likes playing with other kids. I don't think I get out with him enough," I said, a little apologetically.

She smiled and said, "Oh, that's okay," and pointed out her little girl. "That's how my daughter was. She recently turned three and is just barely starting to play more independently when we come here. I think it's just a personality thing. Her older sister was a little more crazy and bold when she was that age, but my three-year-old used to be content to just hang out around me and watch the other kids play."

At that point, she got distracted and Aidan started wandering back to the horses, so I kind of waved goodbye and followed Aidan. He got on the horse again, but didn't seem as interested, so we headed toward the swings. I asked him if he wanted to get on, and he replied in his cute little toddler way of affirming that, yes, he did want to get on the swing.

Once on the swing, Aidan had the time of his life! He laughed and kept saying, "Mooooore, mooooore!" So, I stood there, took pictures, grabbed at his feet, and pushed him higher and higher.

As I pushed and played with Aidan, a knot tightened in my stomach and I had to blink back tears in the midst of laughing with him. For some reason, every time I get on the swings and swing with Aidan, or when he swings by himself and I push him, I think of Alma. Every time. And as I pushed, I thought of the reason why this time at the park, my heart felt heavy. It wasn't just because it was a new and unfamiliar place or because it was the first time I was at the park by myself with two kids and felt a new and awkward carrying a baby around and following a toddler, trying to make it look like I knew what I was doing. It was more than that because, really, none of that was really bothering me because I love what I do - trying to be a good mom to my kids. 

My heart felt heavy because of how careful and cautious Aidan was around this new and unfamiliar park. He was attempting to play with kids he didn't know - ones who were older than him and seemed to know how the different entertainment on the playground worked. And what the mom said stuck out to me about her little daughter who was also cautious. She was the second child and Aidan is the second child. I've heard from a lot of moms that the second baby tends to be calmer and easier than the first baby (obviously, not always the case), and it made me wonder what Alma would be like. Would he be more crazy and bold like the mom's older daughter? Would I be out of breath chasing him around, while also keeping an eye on Aidan and Kimball? 

At that moment, I wished Alma was there. I wished he was there so I could experience him. Experience his personality on a day-to-day basis and see him play with his younger brothers. I could just imagine him with high energy, running around everywhere, while pulling Aidan along and showing him how things worked. Being the older brother and taking care of his younger brother. Showing him the ropes and getting in some trouble now and then. 

It's hard being an angel momma. The "what if's" are always there and my invisible child is always lingering in moments like these where I remember I'd be watching over three boys and not just two. The moments where I try to imagine what my life would be like if I were raising Alma right now along with Aidan and Kimball.

These heart-wrenching, lump-in-the-throat moments hit me like a ton of bricks, and it's hard to catch my breath and get back up again. Grief isn't ever-present anymore, but in the moments it comes, it hurts just as much as the days following Alma's death did.

In times like these, I'm even more grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ and for His love for me. They are reminders to grow closer to Him and rely on Him - in both good times and bad times. They're also reminders that I haven't forgotten Alma, and he's still a huge influence in my life. I'm so grateful for that! That he is a part of our family and always will be. I just want to live worthy enough to see and hold him again. I know I can claim that promise of forever families and eternal life if I just turn to my Savior and seek for the peace and comfort that comes only through Him.

"Faith in Jesus Christ and His atoning sacrifice is, and forever will be, the first principle of the gospel and the foundation upon which our hope for 'peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come' is built. In our search for peace amidst the daily challenges of life, we’ve been given a simple pattern to keep our thoughts focused on the Savior, who said: 'Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me. I am Jesus Christ.'" 

("A Pattern for Peace," W. Christopher Waddell, 2016)

NICU

Because of a possible infection, Kimball was in the NICU on antibiotics for five days. My mom was a lifesaver throughout the entire ordeal. She arrived in Rexburg the afternoon Kimball was born and took sole care of Aidan until we were able to bring Kimball home from the hospital.

My mom brought our dinner to the hospital so we could spend time with her and Aidan. 

There were definitely pros and cons to having a baby in the NICU. I think I would have been a lot more stressed out if Kimball was in there because he was a preemie or because he was really sick. Thankfully, he was neither - he was there more for precautionary reasons than anything. I'm grateful the doctors took the "better safe than sorry" route, which I'm all for since losing Alma. Everyone was so nice in the NICU, too. The nurses were so willing to help and I knew Kimball was in good hands whenever I had to leave him to go back to my room.

Jayze got to go to the NICU with Kimball about 30 minutes after Kimball was born. He sent me this picture since I was still stuck in Labor & Delivery.

First time seeing him again after he was born. NICU. 

So in love. Second time I got to hold him. 

Once we knew he had to stay in the NICU longer than 48 hours, one of the nurses had to put a new IV in his head because all of his other veins kept bursting. I'm glad she told us that before we saw him with it in, because then we were able to brace ourselves. It was heart-wrenching seeing that big thing stuck in his head. I pretty much hated it and couldn't wait for it to come out. 

The second night, Jayze decided to go back home to sleep while I stayed another night at the hospital. It ended up being a good decision because both Aidan and Kimball had a hard time that night. I was pumping, trying to get anything to come out, while watching TV to keep my mind occupied. When I finished, I turned off the lights and tried to get some much needed sleep, but I kept getting the prompting to check on Kimball. I finally crawled out of bed and hobbled down to the NICU. After I washed my hands, I checked in with the nurse who told me that Kimball was really fussy and having a hard time going to sleep. As I approached the bassinet and softly called his name, he calmed down a little bit. Ever since he was born, he has seemed to know all of our voices. I grabbed him from the little bassinet and gently rocked him. I felt like I needed to be there for him (plus I didn't want to leave my baby), so I sat down with him still in my arms and leaned back in the reclining camping chair. After a few minutes we both fell asleep. We stayed that way for a couple of hours.

When it felt like it was time to go, I placed him back into the little bassinet and sleepily walked up to my room. While I was in the elevator, Jayze texted me and said that Aidan had woken up screaming (about the same time I felt prompted to go check on Kimball) and he was just now calming down again. It was a moment where I was grateful that Jayze and I could be there for our kids. This parenting thing is tough stuff (including parenting an angel baby), but I'm so grateful that the Spirit leads and guides us. I hadn't planned to go to the NICU at all that night because I hadn't been able to sleep much since Kimball was born, and I knew I needed sleep to heal, so I was planning to do just that - sleep. But I'm so grateful I followed that prompting so I could be there for my baby boy. It's a moment I want to look back on and remember that even when the timing doesn't seem perfect or convenient according to me, it really is perfect to the Lord.

I already love being Kimball's mom. I hope someday he knows that I need him just as much as he needs me. 

The nurses made this banner for him. They made a banner for all of the NICU babies, which I think is so thoughtful. We loved it. 

Soaking in that glorious newborn smell. 

By the time the five days were up, we were anxious to get home. Aidan still hadn't met Kimball, and I was so excited for these two brothers to meet. I wanted all of us home together. But when we finally got the all clear and were on the way home with our new baby in the backseat, I felt nervous. I wasn't sure how Aidan was going to react to his new little brother. Plus, a piece of my heart was still missing. I ached to hold Alma and wished that we were coming home to him, too. 

Neither Aidan or Kimball liked being put in the car seat for the first time, haha. 

But once Aidan saw Kimball, my worries went away and a tender peace filled my heart. Aidan couldn't stop saying "Baby!" and everything felt right for just a few precious moments. Precious moments I don't ever want to forget. 

"Baby!"
First time seeing Kimball in person.