Aidan's 3rd Birthday Party

Aidan's birthday wasn't until September 25, but since we were surrounded by so much family in AZ, we decided to celebrate it early. I don't regret it one bit. I could tell he felt so loved, and he was so, so, so excited for it.

Jayze helped out a ton with the decorating, thanks to a silent migraine on my part, plus he's just awesome. My sister and sis-in-law helped out with cutting it into the "3" shape, too. 

Since it was an actual birthday party and Aidan's old enough to play games, I decided to have a couple games available. Aidan wanted a Lightning McQueen themed party, so we had "Pin the Tire on the Car," and "Sally's Cozy Cone Ring Toss" (guess I forgot to take pics of them). They were half and half successful, haha. I think the kids were more interested in running around. :) I still had fun putting them together.

Not going to lie, I'm so proud of this banner I made. It's literally from card stock and baker's twine. My sister and I colored the black squares ourselves, and I was so pleased with how it all turned out.

We did cake and ice cream first since we celebrated at kind of an odd time between lunch and dinner. We didn't want to spoil the kids' dinner (or ours), so we did the dessert first so we could run and play it off before dinner.

He couldn't wait to play with, "Cruz, the yellow car."

He was so excited to blow out the candles.

He received about a bazillion more presents than he would have if we had celebrated in Kansas. It was fun to see him understand the concept of opening presents a little better than the previous two years, although I think next year he'll be a little better at it. He mostly wanted to play with the presents he had already opened instead of going on to the next one. I still can't believe he's three years old now.

Both sides of the family were there, which was so great. Pam helped Aidan play with his new baseball mitt and ball. All the cousins had a blast running around the stage and huge cultural hall. Kimball of course got ahold of the trash can and wheeled it around most of the time. And the adults enjoyed relaxing and visiting.

It was so nice having everyone's help and support. I can't even describe how it felt being able to celebrate Aidan's birthday with extended family. He's so loved.

Spontaneous three generation picture. .

Aidan's brought so much joy and love to our family in the past three years. More than I knew was possible. I'm excited to keep getting to know him and watching him learn and grow. He has such a sweet disposition, loves to problem solve, can play outside all day long if there are cars and dirt involved, is so helpful, and is getting better at talking every day.

I love my handsome boy so much. Happy three years, kiddo.

Jayze's Birthday

Jayze is now a whopping 27 years old! I kept asking him how he felt to be 27, and he kept responding, "Weird." Haha.

I was so excited for his birthday because:

1. It was on a Friday (9/1) - always a good thing to have a birthday on the weekend
2. I got a babysitter (who actually came to our apartment and put the kids down for bed!)
3. I planned it all out beforehand, the date part was a secret, and I had the excuse to use Groupon for the first time ever, too.

Okay, maybe that's more than three, but whatevs. :)

I was giddy by the time Jayze got off work. We fed the kids the crockpot dinner I had made earlier (since they were starving before the babysitter got there) and cleaned up our apartment to kill time. Finally 5:45 p.m. came, and we were off!

This is it in a nutshell - dinner, date, dessert.

I guess I like to keep things simple.

For dinner, we went out to eat at Logan's Roadhouse. It was another round of good, peanut-eating, throw-the-shell-on-the-floor-while-waiting-for-our-food fun. And their buttery rolls are pretty delicious, too.

The funny thing is that Jayze ordered this lean, baked chicken with a vegetable side (similar to what I ordered the last time we went), and I ordered a half-rack of ribs with mashed potatoes and fries. A different waiter (I'm assuming, helping our waiter) brought out our food and automatically began handing me the chicken. She looked so confused when I told her, "Actually, I ordered the ribs."

HAHA.

For the date, we went...mini golfing! The one in Rexburg is so-so, so I wasn't sure what to expect here, but it was so.fun. It was glow golf and we went to about six or seven different rooms and each had three or four obstacles in it, plus a glow-in-the-dark picture of an alien or spaceship peering down at us. We kept score the first round (he won, Happy Birthday, hon!), did one more round, and then did the quick Lazer Maze Challenge.

You know the movies where the robbers have the maneuver themselves around the lazer beams to get to the jewelry cases? It was like that, but we did the easy version and no cops were involved.

After our stunt with the maze challenge, we drove over to Krispy Kreme's and chowed down a couple of their delectable pastries (Jayze LOVES donuts).

The next day we celebrated with the kids by eating Taco Bell and playing at a park. We drove home for homemade cake and ice cream, and Aidan surprised both Jayze and me by knowing the words to, "Happy Birthday." He's growing up so fast.

Short version: I ran out of powdered sugar for the frosting. Since I didn't have any way to get to the store, I tried making my own powdered sugar. Turns out I should have ground it up longer in the food processor because that frosting was so, so, SO grainy. I'm glad the cake underneath it turned out...and Jayze's homemade ice cream made up for it, too. :)

It was a good weekend for all of us. I'm especially glad I got to plan out a fun, relaxing date with Jayze and that he enjoyed it, too.

I'm definitely grateful for that cute birthday boy.

Alma's Birthday

The entire month of August leading up to Alma's birthday (August 29) caused me to reflect on the whole experience of losing him. This year, I tended to dwell on the terrible, devastating parts of it, when in the past I've tried to dwell on the positive parts. I kept sinking lower and lower into this black hole. I knew how to get out of it because I've practiced the process again and again over the past four years, but this year was a struggle.

I allowed myself to go through the horrific, hard, miserable, dark details and held onto the panic, despair, loneliness, anger, and sadness that came with the very real and paralyzing flashbacks from that time. It was a constant tug and pull on my spirit, and at times I could hardly function. Aidan kept asking me if I was sad and randomly gave me hugs and kisses when he saw I was having a hard time. He still doesn't completely understand what happened to his older brother, but he could tell something was wrong.

Another thing that added to the whole hot mess was that I had no idea what to do for Alma's birthday. Even though we have a special tradition around Christmas for Alma, I've struggled every single year figuring out what to do for him on his birthday. We've done something different each time. Since I was having an especially difficult time, I knew I needed to plan something so that I would have something to look forward to instead of wanting to just stay in bed all day.

Through the years I've learned that service brings so much healing, and healing was what I was seeking so desperately. There's a sacredness to it that I wanted to bring to my home, to my family, and to my heart to help pull me out of the grieving funk. Over the first couple weeks of August, Jayze and I bounced around a few ideas and something finally stuck.

Aidan is still obsessed with cars and trucks and planes, which also includes police cars, fire engines, and ambulances. Whenever a fire trucks zooms by, we make sure to point it out. He gets excited and yells out, "Fire truck!" every time and does the same thing for police cars and ambulances. We wanted to do something that included Aidan and Kimball, so we decided to provide service to someone (and something) Aidan would get excited about...Enter the police force.

Jayze and I picked out the candy and bowl, Aidan helped me color the thank-you poster, and Kimball walked all over the poster and tried to eat the candy. :)

On Alma's birthday, I dropped Jayze off at work and drove to the police station nearest to our home. I loaded Kimball into the stroller, and held onto Aidan's hand with one hand and the poster and bowl of candy with my other hand. We struggled to open the door, but the officer at the desk graciously helped us out.

I told him it was Aidan and Kimball's older brother's birthday.

"He would be four years old, but he died when he was a baby. We wanted to come celebrate by thanking you for your service. We're grateful for all you do to keep us safe." 

A woman officer circled around her desk and asked what my baby's name was.

Tears came to my eyes as I told her, "Alma," and got to say his name out loud. I told her, "We wanted to come do this for you on his birthday." 

It wasn't extravagant, and I'm not sure if it made the police officers' day, but I know it made mine. Planning and creating and having something to look forward to made all the difference. And not just anything, but something that would get me outside myself. Instead of dreading his birthday, I became excited for it.

Through serving someone else and trying to make their day a little brighter, I felt a little brighter too and felt peace and the much-sought-after and desired healing I needed to get out of the deep, dark hole I had been in since
August 1.

And to top it off with a cherry on top, there was a park right next door to the police station.

Love you, my Alma.

"As we extend our hands and hearts toward others in Christlike love, something wonderful happens to us. Our own spirits become healed, more refined, and stronger. We become happier, more peaceful, and more receptive to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit." 

~Dieter F. Uchtdorf~

Dear Alma,

February 2017

Hey bud, can you believe it's been four years (tomorrow)? Four years since I first saw you and held you in my arms. I didn't ever want to let you go, but of course, Dad had to have his turn too. :) We switched back and forth all day long until we had to let you go and leave the hospital with empty arms.

It seems like every time I sit down in front of this screen, words leave me. Lately it's been overwhelming to write to an audience. I think that's why I'm finally writing to you. It feels less overwhelming when all I need to do is talk to you.

This month has been so, so hard. So unbelievably difficult. I thought that after four years your birthday, and the days leading up to it, would get easier. They have been a little easier in the past, but this year. Oh, Alma, this year has been one of the hardest yet.

My arms aren't empty like they were four years ago, but they still feel heavy. When I hold on tightly to your two brothers, something is still lacking...I miss clinging to my invisible four-year-old. You should be playing on the couch, wrestling, laughing, running around, and teasing your brothers too. You and Aidan should be teaching Kimball how to hold a book and laughing at jokes only you three understand.

There is so much I want to say, yet I've felt inadequate to express my kaleidoscope of emotions. Sad you aren't here. Devastated at the outcome. Hope in the future. Joy in the moments I feel you close by. Imagining what it would be like if you were here.

Looking back at the past four years, I know I'm stronger, but I also know it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to miss you because you're real and you are my child. It's okay to cry and mourn and wish you were here for,

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

Kahlil Gabran

It's okay to want to see you again and feel the weight of you in my arms and just...be with you.

But I also know it's okay to be happy. It's okay to love on your brothers even when you're not here. It's okay to be excited about the life I'm living right here right now. It's okay to find joy in this journey...now. To cherish each moment.

I know I won't ever get over losing you, and that's okay, too. Oddly enough, it's grief that keeps you close. I used to think it was there for just a day or a week or a month or however long it took for someone to "get over" their loved ones dying, but it's for life. And hard as it is, I'm grateful I'll never get over you.

I totally relate to what Elder Shayne M. Bowen (who lost his 8-month old baby boy) said:

"Sometimes people will ask, 'How long did it take for you to get over it?' The truth is, you will never completely get over it until you are together once again with your departed loved ones. I will never have a fulness of joy until we are reunited in the morning of the First Resurrection."

I also love his beautiful testimony that has brought me so much precious peace these past few days:

"Remember as you attended the funeral of your loved one the feelings in your heart as you drove away from the cemetery and looked back to see that solitary casket - wondering if your heart would break.

I testify that because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy. I testify that we can depend on Him and when He said:

'I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. 

'Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.'

(John 14:18-19)

I'm so grateful for Jesus Christ. He is what's made this past month possible to get through, and I know He will help me get through tomorrow too. Even though tears haven't been far away day after day since August 1, there has also been peace. There have been times when our Savior has helped me know that it's okay that it's hard and has cried with me. And times when He has stilled my soul and given me the sweet comfort only He can give.

I love you so, so, so much. Maybe it hurts so much this year because my love for you keeps growing. I hope you get a great big party in heaven for your big day. We'll be throwing our own small one here.

Love,

Mom

Kimball's One Year Birthday Party

Kimball turned one year old on May 10, 2017.

His first year seemed to go by much faster than Aidan's first year. It's probably because we did a lot of things out of the ordinary for a baby's first year (aka moving across the country, living in a hotel, new outings every week...).

It's always hard coming up with a theme for a baby's first birthday. For Aidan, I did a play off the meaning of his middle name ("champ/champion") and went with a baseball theme. For Kimball, I decided since Aidan and Kimball like animals, that's the theme we'd go for. And it turned out cute! Very simple, but cute.

This banner that took me wayyyy too long to make, along with big red, blue, yellow, and orange balloons strewn all over the floor, were the only decorations. But since our apartment is so small, it didn't seem to lack for other decorations. :) These, along with the animal crackers, assorted fruit, air-popped popcorn, and bright red cupcakes really added to the birthday atmosphere.

Although the cupcakes turned out just the way I was hoping (presentation-wise) and the kids liked them, the store-bought frosting was definitely nothing to brag about. Next time I'll make my usual homemade cream cheese frosting.

We had a few friends over (those who could make it on a random Thursday night) who brought their kids over. Kimball wasn't much a fan of playing with the other kids, but Aidan had a blast. One little boy couldn't stop eating the pineapple, and everyone's fingers were dyed red from the cupcake frosting.

We sang "Happy Birthday" to Kimball, who was the center of attention in the high chair, and Aidan happily helped K blow out the one birthday candle.

Then Kimball dug into his cupcake. He ate a lot of it and threw the rest overboard onto the carpet. I think he had a good birthday. :) 

It was so fun celebrating our little man. It's still surreal to me that he's a whole year old, but I also love watching him reach even more milestones and get old enough to play more games with Aidan. We're so grateful for him.

Aidan is O N E!

Aidan turned one on September 25, 2015. Yes, I know I'm a little bit behind on the blogging, but you know. Life happens.

Birthday: 
For his birthday, we had a simple cake smash with family from both sides (cousins and siblings). Despite Aidan not taking a nap the entire day, the party was a success!

We decided to go with a sports theme because Aidan loves balls. He also loves music, books, and cars, but I figured I had to narrow it down to one. Plus, the dollar store had a good selection of sports stuff, so it was a winner theme.

(Sorry in advance for the awful quality of pictures. The lighting was terrible.)

I'm not very good at decorating cakes, so I went with one that looked simple but cute - a baseball! Aidan's middle name is Nelson, which in a roundabout way means "Champ." I felt this was also a great connection to the sports theme.

He got some great presents (thanks Nanas and Grandpas and cousins). I was really excited he liked the Lego car Jayze and I gave him with the mega Lego blocks (love yard sales).

I'm glad his first birthday went so well and was so fun.

Stats & Check-Up: 

• Weight: 22.5 lbs. (68%)
• Height: 30.5 in. (73%)
• Head: 18.75 in. (88%) 

Aidan's 12-month check-up went really well...for me. I felt like a great mom afterwards (thank you nice doctor), but Aidan was a crying mess. He had to get his finger pricked, and he was so happy before that. The nurse walked in, got everything set up, and told me I could hold him and that babies usually do great with the finger prick. In my mind I was thinking, "Um, I don't think Aidan will do great with it..."

Background: Aidan HATES anyone touching or holding his hands - even Jayze and me. So when the nurse grabbed his hand and pricked it, it was the end of the world for Aidan.

The nurse didn't let go for a couple of minutes because she had to get the blood in the tube thing, and Aidan was making it really difficult for her. He kept pulling with all his might to get his hand back. She finally got a band-aid on Aidan, but he still didn't stop crying. He picked at the band-aid trying to get it off, while I persisted in keeping it on. He would stop crying for a little bit until he saw the band-aid and then the water works would start up again. Poor little guy! It was funny and sad at the same time.

He was still in a traumatic state when two more nurses walked in to give him his shots. And who do you think had to hold him down? Me. So I put my wriggling, sobbing baby on the table and held him down while the two nurses stuck him with the needles. Let's just say, he wasn't the happiest baby after that check-up. 

Milestones:

• Aidan isn't walking yet, but getting close! He officially took his very first step on October 7. Jayze and I are encouraging him as much as we can. He loves cruising and is getting better and better at it. Crossing my fingers he walks soon!
• Can say mama and dada. He also said ba the other day for ball. He loves imitating sounds, so when I read to him he'll imitate me when I say "Wee-ooo-wee-ooo" for the fire engine or "E-i-e-i-o" for "Old MacDonald". And today he recognized dog and tried to say "Woof."
• Eats pretty much anything. We have been super blessed with a great eater. 
• He ate a whole apple the other day. It was sitting in a bag on the couch (non-plastic bag), and he started gnawing on it all the way to the core. 

• Switched to whole milk. He seems to like it.
• Aidan has 7 teeth - four on top and three on bottom. He drools like crazy and still sticks things in his mouth, but I haven't seen anymore teeth come in lately.
• He likes taking baths now. Hurray! Before it was a war zone. He would cry the moment I put him in the tub, so it was a nightmare for both of us. He even whimpered and whined when Jayze took him in the shower with him. But then after receiving some advice and praying about it, he loves it now. Some things that worked were: putting him in an empty tub and filling it up with water so it wouldn't scare him, washing his hair and body at the very beginning and then just letting him play the rest of the time, and not rushing. It has been so much better. Now he cries when I take him out. :)

• Jayze gave him his first haircut! I was out shopping after the General Women's Conference, and Aidan needed to go to bed soon, so Jayze decided to start cutting it. It was pretty much done by the time I got back. I was so sad to see Aidan's long hair go because I think it aged him at least 6 months, but Jayze did such a good job on it. He looks like a little boy now. I have to say, though, that it is a lot easier to manage now. 

 

Personality:

• For some reason, Aidan loves stuffing his toys under the couch. I should have taken a picture, because I was looking for his Legos, and they were seriously all under the couch. Along with a spoon, mirror, toy guitar, a couple of books, and a few other toys. We have a little scavenger on our hands.
• Has begun the mini-tantrums...but they actually aren't too bad. He'll just scrunch up his face, put his mouth in an "o" shape, and start whining. It's actually hilarious, and I have to try not to laugh every time he does it.
• Loves receiving praise. After he sneezes, he'll grin and look around to see if anyone noticed. He also started clapping for himself, especially when he's eating food.
• Hates bibs. No matter what I do, he'll take off his bib and throw it on the ground after a couple of minutes of wearing it. I should probably start making bibs with buttons instead of velcro now...
• Aidan loves dropping things. When he's in his booster chair and he's done eating, he'll start dropping his cheerios or other finger foods on the floor. After he drops them, he'll lean over and see where they went. So, so funny. Later, he'll eat the cheerios off the floor if I haven't swept yet. He'll also drop his spoon, bowl, and sippy cup on the ground. If he's not in his booster chair, he'll cruise on over to the couch, pick up whatever is on it, and throw it behind him on the floor. Folded laundry on the couch is a favorite for him to attack. That kid is fast.

• Loves socializing with people, but has a shy streak, too. Lately he's turned into Mr. Cuddlebug if he's tired and feeling shy and people are trying to say hi to him. But if he's energized and fed, he's grinning all over the place at anyone and everyone. He is the best at breaking the ice in awkward or dull situations. 
• Does not like wearing socks. I've found socks in our car, behind his crib, buried in his blankets, and under the couch while Aidan just runs around barefoot and free. Not sure what I'm going to do when colder weather hits.
• Doesn't like getting dressed, undressed, or diaper changes.
• Loves sticking out his tongue and playing with it. Or when he's concentrating really hard, he'll sometimes stick out his tongue. It's so cute.

BFF'S:
Aidan really has become my best friend. Below are some of my favorite memories or things to do with him.

• Sitting on the kitchen floor giggling and sharing a chocolate chip cookie.
• Reading time.
• Park dates.

• Building and destroying Lego creations.
• Helping me brush my teeth.
• Splashing the water during bathtime.
• Dancing along to Pandora or the radio.
• After getting his 12-month shots, he wouldn't take the rest of his nap unless I was holding him. So I rocked him and held him for an hour and also fell asleep. It was such a special moment. 

• Grocery shopping - people think I'm talking to myself when I talk to Aidan. :)
• Going on walks.

• Pulling up a chair to the counter and showing him our goldfish.
• Selfies

I love our little boy so much.

Dear Aidan: You Are One

On September 25, 2015, you turned O N E. 

 

As your birthday approached, my mind kept going back to last year when I was still going to school, still working, and still pregnant with you. A lot has happened since then.

Since then, you were born. I quit my job so I could spend as much time with you as I could while still going to school. I didn't think graduating was possible, but then again, I didn't think having a healthy, living, breathing baby to take care of was possible either.

It turns out that more things are possible than I could ever have realize. I am continually reminded that all things are possible with God. It's because of Him you are here.

I want you to know first and foremost that I love you with all my heart.

I love Y O U. 

You are not a replacement.

You are not tainted by a bad experience.

You are not the continuation of grief.

You are you, and that's all you could ever be.

A child of God. 

A wonder and a joy.

You have brought so much life to our home, so much love, so much movement, so much peace, so much laughter, so much happiness. 

You brought a happiness I didn't think was possible to feel, and I will forever be grateful for you. 

This life is yours; soak it up. 

You have already taught us so much...don't be afraid to keep growing and learning and discovering and exploring.  

Keep finding the simple joys in life. Keep holding onto my hand, your dad's hand, God's hand, and Alma's hand. We are your family and will always stand by your side.

Baby boy, please know you will always be mine. 

My Aidan. 

I love you.

~ Mom ~