In the Kitchen

 

Yesterday Aidan, Kimball, and I went outside to play. 

Kimball's had a bit of a cough and runny nose, and Aidan's (and me) been a little stir crazy, so I thought the fresh air would be good for all of us. Plus, I'd been so busy doing about a million loads of laundry that I hadn't given much attention to my kids all day. 

We played chase, kicked around a soccer ball and threw it way up high into the air until it almost touched the trees, and flew their toy airplane to each other. When we were all sniffing from the cold air and the sun started going down, we grabbed the soccer ball and toy airplane and clomped back up the stairs to warm up inside. 

I had a few things to finish up with the crock pot meal I had put in that morning, so I headed to the kitchen while Aidan and Kimball played in the living room. I could hear their cute voices in the background as I walked back and forth between the fridge, sink, and counters. When I finished, I didn't hear them fighting and they seemed content, so I decided to take a mini break for myself. 

I quietly slid down onto the kitchen floor and leaned back against the wall between the fridge and the kitchen cabinets. As I sat there, I took a much-needed long, deep breath and let it out slowly. It had been a long day of juggling and disciplining and focusing on the different tasks at hand, so it felt nice to just sit and stare at the kitchen table across from me for a few minutes. 

Pretty soon I heard Aidan call out, "Mom! Moooooom! Where are you? Mooom!"

I let him call a few times before answering, "I'm over here, bud."

His little voice, "Where?"

"In the kitchen."

His little feet padded over to where I was and once he saw me, a huge smile spread across his face. 

"What're you doin'?"

"Just sitting here."

"Want to play with me?"

As Aidan walked the rest of the way into the kitchen and started playing with the letter magnets on the fridge, I heard Kimball make his way over to us, too. He had a book in one hand, clumsily waddled over to me, and plopped himself in my lap so I could read to him. 

My little break was over, but as I held Kimball in my lap and listened to Aidan recite the ABC's to himself next to me, I couldn't help but snuggle close to both of them and feel an immense amount of gratitude for my sweet children here. I felt my heart get a little bigger, a little softer, and a little more full of love. 

It's hard and wonderful being their mom, and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Not a thing in the world. 

They are my forever and always will be. 

Haircut

Five reasons why I love giving Aidan haircuts (and Kimball now too!):

1. He is contained but happy. Mainly because he is watching YouTube videos.
2. Doing so actually forces me to sweep my tiny kitchen floor.
3. It's therapeutic. Have I ever mentioned that I once wanted to go to hair school? 
4. It provides practice for Jayze's haircuts.
5. I feel productive because I usually give him a bath afterwards.

I've definitely come a long way from cutting Aidan's hair shorter and shorter until it looked like a buzz cut...

July 2016

And he's come a long way in not screaming the whole time. :)

Motherhood

"Of all the words they could have chosen to define her role and her essence, both God the Father and Adam called Eve 'the mother of all living' - and they did so before she ever bore a child. 

Like Eve, our motherhood began before we were born. Just as worthy men were foreordained to hold the priesthood in mortality, righteous women were endowed premortally with the privilege of motherhood.

Motherhood is more than bearing children, though it is certainly that. It is the essence of who we are as women. It defines our very identity, our divine stature and nature, and the unique traits our Father gave us."

~ Sheri L. Dew ~

I'm grateful for my constantly growing testimony of motherhood. I'm grateful for my husband and for my children. And I'm grateful that being a mom is my very identity and for the knowledge that I was a mother even before I ever bore children. 

Happy Mother's Day (yesterday) to all women. 

Just Listen

Last week was difficult. Aidan wouldn't listen to me, which meant I had about a bazillion opportunities to practice patience, take deep breaths, and get down on his level to ask him what the real issues were and work them out with him. It also meant that I raised my voice a few notches higher than I would prefer and put him in time out more times than I could count.

By the time 5:00 rolled around, my frustration levels with Aidan (and his with me) were sky high. He finally ventured to the living room to find solace in his toy cars while I ventured to the kitchen to make dinner.

As I whisked about the kitchen in muted exasperation, I muttered under my breath, "Well, if he would just listen, we would both be a LOT happier. I mean, seriously, how hard is it to just listen??"

I picked up a pot full of water and moved towards the stove when it hit me - the Spirit quietly whispered to my heart, "How many times have I told you to listen, and you haven't?"

I stopped short and thought about it. That small and powerful inspiration led me to think back to the Doctrine and Covenants and how so many verses begin with listen or hearken. I also thought about the stories in the Book of Mormon and how some of them would have a very different (and happier) outcome if the people in it had just listened. Then I thought about the scriptures I had read that morning about keeping the commandments and listening and obeying the words of Jesus Christ.

Holy cow.

The frustration ebbed away and I felt very humbled.

I slowly set the pot on the stove and pondered how kind and how patient Heavenly Father is with me. I thought about how very timely that loving rebuke was and how it answered my many frustrated pleas for patience that day. How if I will just listen and obey the first time, it would save me a lot of heartache, frustration, anger, and sadness.

It's interesting how the Spirit can teach at such ordinary moments. I had expected a different answer to my pleas - a miraculous change in Aidan's mood or in his willingness to listen - but the Spirit taught me in that moment that it wasn't just Aidan who needed to listen...I needed to as well.

I'm grateful for my Heavenly Father who gives me second chances so.many.times to listen to Him and reminds me to give just as many, if not more, chances to my toddler.

"Obedience allows God's blessings to flow without constraint. He will bless His obedient children with freedom from bondage and misery. And He will bless them with more light...Teach of faith to know that obedience to the commandments of God will provide physical and spiritual protection...When we are faithful, He and His angels will help us."

- Russell M. Nelson -

Power in Motherhood

This week I made it a goal to get outside at least once a day with the kids. We've been cooped up with potty training and rainy weather. Since potty training turned out to be a bust (we'll try again in a few weeks), and the rainy weather isn't too cold in the afternoon, I've decided even if it's raining, we're at least going to get out the front door on the porch to breathe in some fresh air. 

Yesterday was the perfect start to the new goal. It rained in the morning, but the sun peeked out through big, fluffy, white clouds in the afternoon, drying out the wet air. After nap time and a quick snack, we got ready to play on the still-patchy, but green, grass. 

I quickly changed diapers, pulled on Aidan's Lightening McQueen shoes, and stuck my feet into my flip flops. With a soccer ball and blanket in one arm and Kimball in the other, I opened the front door and didn't even have to coax a football-in-hand, totally excited Aidan who said, "I got it!" when I tried to help him open the screen door that enabled our final escape to the outdoors. 

He finally figured out the handle and pushed the black door open. He walked a few steps, then stopped and threw the football over the metal railing onto the grass and sidewalk below. Then we all hurried down to "play ball."

I set Kimball down on the dry grass, laid the soft, blue and yellow baby blanket down next to him, and then lifted him up and over onto the blanket. He was content just sitting there watching Aidan, playing with the soccer ball, and eating grass when he was able to grab a fistful of it. 

Those overalls just kill me. I wish I had a million more of them to dress him in. :)

While I was getting Kimball set up, Aidan took off across the lawn to a tall, dry bush at the edge of the parking lot on the other side of our apartment. Then he ran back, laughing and plucking up yellow dandelions along the way. He was almost beside himself being outside again. Obviously, this goal will be good for all of us. 

After sitting with Kimball for a little bit, I watched as Aidan ran up to me and asked, "Mom, play?" 

Well, how could I resist that?

I jumped up and chased him around, snatching the soccer ball from his hands and running away with it. He grinned from ear to ear and laughed with joy at the game. He then ventured on his own again, climbing the wooden fence, jumping in a small, muddy puddle, and asking me to help lift him to touch his fingertips to the lower branches of a tree. A few minutes later, I jogged over and picked up Kimball, balanced him on my hip, and sprinted after Aidan again. We ended up crowded together by the fence and watched planes fly by. "It's flying away! Bye, white plane!"

When we got tired, we all plopped back onto the blanket and grass and enjoyed the breeze playing across our faces and running its fingers through our hair.  

At one point, Kimball crawled into my lap, leaving the baby blue blanket sitting by itself right by my knees. It was then that I thought of Alma. 

That blanket was given to us at Alma's baby shower, and I've used it for both Aidan and Kimball. I thought of how he might be saying, "Play on the grass, Mom?" like Aidan does. Since he's a year older, he'd probably be saying it in more complete sentences, but I couldn't help but think a piece of him was there with us. The wind on my face. The yellow sun shining down, warming us up. The sounds of a toddler's laugh and a baby's happy squeal. The joy emanating from my heart in addition to the sweet love I felt for all of my boys. 

It's interesting how grief comes unexpectedly. It wasn't so mean yesterday since it was more of a reminder of Alma rather than a sudden, sporadic, heart-wrenching moment of missing him. It was a slight tug, helping me remember him and imagine him playing and giggling with his younger brothers. 

That slight tug yesterday reminded me of the sacred role of motherhood. Sometimes I get caught up in filling empty stomachs, diaper changes, grocery bills, brushing teeth, bath time, building block towers, kissing bonked heads and smashed arms, preparing the diaper bag, reading scriptures, praying, creating activities, bouts of boredom, and digging deep for patience - all the while wondering if it's amounting to anything. The world doesn't cheer mothers on, and it's easy to get caught up in wondering if there's "more" I could be doing that has "greater impact."

Then moments like yesterday happen - stacked on top of hundreds and thousands of precious, sacred moments - when I see the glow of delight on Aidan's and Kimball's faces and, with grief, I feel close to Alma. 

Those moments, along with the hard moments that come with motherhood, are when I remember that being a mom is who I am supposed to be and motherhood is the greatest thing I could ever do. Nothing could ever replace it, and I am grateful to be a part of all of the moments I get to experience with all three of my kids. 

And I'm excited to get outside more this week. :)

"Some women are not given the responsibility of bearing children in mortality, but just as Hannah of the Old Testament prayed fervently for her child, the value women place on motherhood in this life and the attributes of motherhood they attain here will rise with them in the Resurrection. Women who desire and work toward that blessing in this life are promised they will receive it for all eternity, and eternity is much, much longer than mortality. There is eternal influence and power in motherhood."

~Julie B. Beck~

Fast One

I was playing solo tonight with the kids while Jayze went to the adult session of Stake Conference.

 While I was finishing up feeding Kimball, I asked Aidan, "Can you please go put that empty bottle in the sink?" 

I had needed two bottles because Kimball hadn't finished all of his formula from the last time he ate.

Aidan said, "No, I lay on blanket." 

I gave him a stern look and told him, "Please put the bottle in the sink." 

He kind of rolled his eyes, grabbed the bottle, and headed towards the sink. 

In an effort to make it fun so there wouldn't be any hard feelings, I called out to him as he walked towards it, "Go, go, go! You got this! Yay, Aidan!" 

He smiled, walked a little faster, and slowly pushed the bottle overboard. 

Once the bottle was in, I said, "Thanks, Aidan! Good job! You are awesome!" 

He smiled as he ran back and jumped onto his blanket that was lying on the couch. 

By then Kimball had finished his second bottle, so I set him on the floor and put the second empty bottle in the sink. 

Then I turned around and said to Aidan, "Alright, time to clean up..." 

Aidan ran to the couch, jumped on it, and yelled, "Mom's turn!" 

I almost protested, then stopped, shrugged my shoulders, smiled, and said, "Okay," and knelt down and began picking up toys. 

As I bent down, Aidan called out, "Go, Mom! Go, Mom! Go, Mom! Yaaaaayyyyyy!" 

As I finished up a batch of toys, he said, "Thanks, Mom!" 

Then he yelled out again, "Mom's turn!" 

This time I told him it was his turn too, and we could clean up the rest together. 

He jumped off the couch and excitedly ran back and forth from the living room to his room putting his toys away. 

Man, is this kid smart. I better be careful because he just almost pulled a fast one on me.

Yesterday. He was so proud of how he lined up his cars. 

Bath Time

To be completely honest, this week has been rough. Aidan and Kimball are both sick (green snot and coughs - TMI?) and haven't been sleeping very well. Kimball was crying practically nonstop on Tuesday. I barely got dinner on the table both Monday and Tuesday, and yesterday I gave in and had Jayze pick up some Taco Bell on his way home from work because I wasn't able to handle making dinner with a screaming baby at my feet again.

I was able to get out with the kids and go on a run on Monday, but the past couple of days were too windy and cold. I've lost my temper with Aidan, and I've felt like such a bad, failing mom and homemaker. It's been frustrating, to say the least.

But, thankfully, today has been SO MUCH BETTER. Both of the kids took great naps (A is still asleep, actually - yay!), Aidan water colored for the first time, Kimball has been more of his smiley self, and I was able to work out, budget, read for a meeting tonight, and pay rent.

Plus, here's the best part - I gave Aidan and Kimball a bath this morning at the same time and it was a success.

Aidan had been asking me for a couple of weeks for Kimball to join him during bath time, and so this morning I finally sucked up the courage and decided to give it a second try.

I had tried giving them both a bath at the same time a few weeks ago, but it was crazy stressful, and I was worried both of my kids would drown by the end of it. Thankfully, Jayze was there to help me. The reason why it was such a mess is because we hadn't bought a bath mat. Aidan doesn't need one anymore because he doesn't slip in the tub, and I usually bathe Kimball in the kitchen sink. So when I tried to put Kimball in the tub with no mat, he was slipping and sliding everywhere. I had to keep a firm grip on him at all times, otherwise he would have for sure gone underwater...or bonked his head...or both.

Looking back it's kind of funny now - how I kept calling for Jayze to bring me a washcloth or a towel and how I finally asked him if he could please finish washing Aidan while I dried off and dressed a screaming Kimball. All while Jayze was making dinner so I could bathe both of the kids. Yep, definitely a bust.

So this morning when I gave them a bath, I made sure to be prepared with wash cloths, towels, bath toys, bath soap, dry diapers, and dry clothes because I knew I was going to be doing this solo and I couldn't leave the bathroom once both of them were in the bath. I stripped both of the kids down and in they went. And seriously, they had so.much.fun, and I had so much fun watching them.

I think it cheered both of my sick kiddos up. Me too. It was a change, they were together, and they could splash to their heart's content. I'll definitely be doing this again.

My Alma Wreath

The day after we found out Alma passed away, we had many heartbreaking and surreal decisions to make. One of them was where to bury our baby.

My first instinct was to bury him in Idaho. It was where Jayze and I lived and had already made so many special memories, we could visit him anytime we wanted, and, frankly, it was the most convenient. Plus, I honestly didn't even think it was possible to have him buried anywhere else because I didn't think we had the resources to make all of the arrangements for that.

However, after talking to our families, we found out that it was possible to bury him somewhere other than Idaho. Although, upfront, it would be less convenient and more heart-wrenching, we knew that burying him in Arizona was where he was supposed to be. In our heart of hearts, we knew that Rexburg was temporary, whereas Arizona was more permanent. Both sets of our parents live in the same town, so it was more likely we would have more opportunities to visit our baby boy once we no longer lived in Rexburg.

I wasn't sure how it was all going to work out, but through many earthly (and, I'm sure, heavenly) angels and tender mercies, it all did. All the nitty, gritty details worked out, as well as bigger issues. We were so blessed and grateful and knew we weren't alone.

Now, three years and a half years later, I'm glad that Alma is buried in Snowflake. I wish I was able to visit him anytime. It's hard not taking Aidan and Kimball on a regular basis to go see him, too, but I'm grateful he has loved ones nearby who can and do visit him and leave flowers and decorations.

My mom and Jayze's mom send me pictures from time to time of Alma's graveside. It's usually decked out in the decor of the season: spring flowers, fall leaves, snowmen figurines, summer daisies, and a "Happy Birthday" sign in August. Seeing the pictures always make me tear up and wish we lived closer. But I'm grateful others are there to give him love when I can't be there in person.

When Alma was first buried there, I remember before Jayze and I left for the Phoenix Airport to go back to Rexburg, I wanted to see him one more time. So we drove to the cemetery and, hand-in-hand, walked to where he was buried. The fresh mound of dirt was the only thing marking our baby's burial place. It was then that I realized I didn't have anything for him. No headstone, no flowers, nothing. My arms and hands felt even emptier. I had to leave some token of love for my sweet baby boy before flying miles away from him. I knelt down on the soft mound and with my finger I drew, "We love you," with a heart. It was still more difficult than I can express to walk away, but leaving something there helped.

A few days later, my parents texted and asked if they could put a small, homemade metal plate to mark Alma's graveside. That was the beginning of the outpouring of love Alma would receive on his grave.

I'm grateful for my mom and Jayze's mom who, after the first set of decorations had been up for awhile, offered to put them in a box and save them for us. When I first saw and held the decorations, I couldn't help but get teary-eyed at all the love and support. We really weren't alone, and Alma wasn't forgotten. We toted the box back with us to Rexburg and put it with Alma's other things. I knew I wanted to keep the small treasures, but I didn't want them to just sit in a box in storage. In essence, I wasn't sure what to do with them.

When we finally made it to Kansas and things settled down a little bit, I started making our little apartment into a home. We found some couches and a coffee table, Jayze assembled our black bookshelves, I arranged and re-arranged bookshelf decorations, and we worked together to fit Aidan's toddler bed and Kimball's crib in the kid's bedroom. I hung up some pictures, and organized our closets (still in the process, haha).

One day as I was organizing our front closet, I found the box full of Alma's graveside decorations again. I stopped for a minute to look through them. As I touched the leaves and flowers and picked up the figurines, the thought came to me, "Why not make a wreath?"

Background: I've wanted to make a wreath ever since Jayze and I got married and just never got around to it. I love wreaths and other door decorations because it's kind of like a, "Welcome to my home!" before stepping inside. Well, this was my perfect excuse to buy a lovely grapevine wreath (they smell sooo good) and break out the glue gun.

Once the kids went down for a nap, I pulled up Pinterest for inspiration and went to work designing my own, custom wreath. I have to admit, it was hard pulling the leaves and flowers off. I didn't want to ruin them! I prayed and crossed my fingers everything would work out.

And it did! I tied a piece of twine in a loop in the back and hung up my new wreath on my front door. I love how it turned out. It feels wonderful and makes me happy to see another touch of Alma in our home.

During the past three and a half years, I've thought many times how such a small person with such a short life could make such an impact on others...and on me. I've thought of how Alma's life has helped me pause and reflect on the sacred moments life gives us every single day. How his life has caused me to be more service-oriented and caring towards others. How his life has shown me the good in others and how willing people are to give of their time, talents, and love. How his life has taught me to love being a mother and to not take it for granted. How his life has increased my love for his siblings. It's been humbling, to say the least.

Tomorrow will be the third Thanksgiving without him. Lately, seeing Aidan play and interact more with Kimball has made me ponder what it would be like to have Alma here. I wonder what it would be like to see three of my children physically play together. I wonder what it would be like to convince two toddlers to go to bed and hear them giggle together. I wonder what it would be like to see my two older boys fawn over their baby brother.

I think that all of the wondering has brought some sadness, but it's also filled me with gratitude. I'm so grateful I've been able to have more children. And not just more children, but children HERE. Here to raise and love on. Here to teach and discipline. Here to pray, cuddle, and play with. Here to practice motherhood on.

I'm so grateful to be a mom to THREE wonderful, sweet, happy boys. I'm grateful for my marriage with Jayze. I'm grateful for the glimpses I get of Alma when they do come. I'm grateful for God's love for me. And I'm grateful that this life isn't the end.

"Regardless of our circumstances, each of us has much for which to be grateful if we will but pause and contemplate our blessings."

~ Thomas S. Monson ~ 

Yesterday

After a series of not-so-good days, yesterday was a perfect day (according to the life of Sarah Flake).

I got to lay in bed for a few precious minutes before taking on the day in my mommy-wife-personal responsibilities. It was glorious.

After not taking a shower for way too many days, I fit in two, separate showers.

Kimball went four hours in-between feedings and took long, regular naps. 

It was the first time bathing Kimball in the kitchen sink without the little bathtub, and it was a success!

The kids and I got in some good playing time, especially Aidan and me. "Mom, play?"

I rocked my exercise, even though I was not feeling it. Some days are just like that. 

I studied my scriptures and even had time to read a regular book, too.

Both kids went down for a nap at the same time, albeit in separate rooms.  

I took both of the kids outside. We took out the trash, paid rent, checked the mail, then had a fun few minutes playing on the grass.  

I had the energy to whip up two beautiful, homemade pizzas. Having an oven has really made baking fun again. 

Aidan scarfed down the beautiful, veggie-loaded pizza. Winner dinner.

Even though Jayze had a spontaneous work dinner, the evening was still fun and relaxing with just me and the kids. 

Aidan let me sing two verses of our bedtime song while rocking him. Afterwards, we laughed at Kimball eating his toes and kicking his legs in the bouncer.  

Both of the kids went to bed in the same room at the same time. (YES!)

I got some veg time in before Jayze came home. Then he helped me with the dishes while we talked about our day. Then we snuggled in bed while still talking about our day. 

It was the most wonderful evening. 

Good days like yesterday make the not-so-good days worth it. I'm grateful for both so I can notice the difference. 

Happy November!

New Goals

Lately, my thoughts have been scattered, and it has been hard to put my feelings into words. I think that writer's block is a real thing, and I'm trying to take Stephen King's advice of, "You must not come lightly to a blank page" (On Writing).

It seems that the past few weeks - probably ever since we moved to Kansas - I've had up and down days. One day I'll be super motivated and get so many things done. I'll happily check things off my to-do list and feel proud of what I accomplished that day. Then the next day I'm in a slump. The crushing, overwhelming realization of all I still need to do hits me. The motivation I had the previous day leaves, and I end up feeling discouraged about my seemingly poor efforts in my roles as a mother, homemaker, and wife. It has been quite the roller coaster, to say the least.

"When you're in a Slump, 

you're not in for much fun. 

Un-slumping yourself is not easily done."

(Dr. Seuss, Oh the Places You'll Go!)

Many different thoughts and ideas have crossed my mind of what I can do to do better and be better - as a person in society, in church, and in my home. Yet, it seems there's not enough time in the day, and my priorities tend to get off course. It has been a struggle finding the precarious balance between giving my all to all of my different roles. 

As I've pondered this and more, one thought that keeps coming back is to just keep working on myself and everything will work out. Don't waste my time comparing myself to others and utilize my time for improving me. So, naturally, the question popped up, "What can I do to improve me when I already have so many things to do that others need?" 

For example, moving to-do's like car registration, unpacking boxes, and organizing in such a small space, and so on. Daily to-do's like feeding my kids, changing diapers, playing with my kids, dishes, dinner, laundry, and cleaning the house. All of these "to-do's" affect me and make me feel less stressed when they're done, but I'm left wondering when I can do simple things for me, like reading my scriptures, taking a shower, painting my nails (anyone who knows me knows I love painting my nails), blogging, exercising, sometimes even brushing my teeth (gross, I know).

Sometimes a mom/wife life is hard. It's stretching yourself thin, making sure everyone else is okay first and then checking in with you. So, since I've been feeling a little stretched thin lately and want to find balance between it all, I've decided to set new goals to help me un-slump myself and be motivated at least 80% of the time, instead of 50%. 

My list is small and simple, but do-able. These are what I'm going to work on this week, and next week I'll check in with how I did.

• Get up at six every morning and exercise (a goal both my husband and I have set).
• Pray more. Even if I can only do it in my heart at certain times. Try to kneel and say my prayers out loud as much as possible.
• Write in my journal every evening.
• Get outside with the kids more, especially Aidan. 
• Spend less time on my phone.
• Smile more. Be happy. Don't take things too seriously. Some things just aren't worth getting mad over.
• Look for the good.

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."

~Thomas A. Edison~ 

Pictures from yesterday while waiting for Jayze to get off work.

Hashtag RealLife

Taken from parts of my journal 7/7/16.

Today was  a crazy, up and down, random day. They told me hosuekeeping was coming this morning before 11:00 (I told them any time before 11 and after 2 is best because of Aidan's naptime), so I wanted to be out of the room when they came. I've been in the hotel room when they've cleaned, and it's a little bit hard, awkward, and crowded. So I forgoed a shower (for the 2nd day in a row-ew, I know), got the kids ready, dropped Jayze off at work, and drove to the Detroit Temple (20 min away). It was so good being there in the morning before the heat and humidity were too bad...Aidan had one of his cars with him and enjoyed driving it on the temple [Side note: don't judge me], in the grass, and filling it up with dirt. Kimball was content to sleep in the baby carrier against my chest. 

After the temple, we drove around for a bit...When we got back home, I was frustrated because housekeeping didn't come. Ahhhhh! How odd is it that housekeeping is one of the major cons of living in a hotel? Well, Aidan was beyond tired, so I put him down for a nap. Then I fed Kimball, had some awake time, and then he went down for a nap, too. 

When the kids woke up, housekeeping still hadn't come, so I plopped Kimball back into the baby carrier after I fed him, put sandals on Aidan after changing his diaper (very smelly), grabbed the very full and very heavy blue bag full of dirty laundry, grabbed the laundry soap, and downstairs we went only to discover that all the washing machines were full. Ahhhhh! So frustrating. So we hauled everything back up to our room. 

With Kimball still in the carrier, Aidan and I took our trash to the bigger trash can down the hall. On the way back, we saw the housekeeping lady and she asked if we were ready for her to come clean. I said, "Yes! Have at it!" I took Aidan and Kimball downstairs and outside to blow bubbles while she cleaned. Holy moly, it was humid. 

We got back to our room (now clean and good-smelling, yay!). Kimball went down for a nap. Aidan and I ate cherries. And Jayze got off early (4:30). 

We couldn't decide what to eat for dinner, so Jayze and Aidan went to the store. Jayze and Aidan came back. I fed Kimball and put him down for a nap (crossing my fingers he'd sleep - he did) and entertained Aidan while Jayze made dinner. Aidan and I went back downstairs with that bag of laundry and lo and behold, two washers were empty! Hurrah! In our laundry went and back upstairs we went to eat Jayze's yummy biscuits-turned-Navajo-tacos dinner. Delish. [Side note: We don't have an oven, so our creative juices run on full-time around here when it comes to dinner.]  

Long story short, the two loads of laundry got done, got Aidan to bed (after a really cute prayer only Heavenly Father understood), Kimball ate again and is sleeping, dishes got washed, brushed my teeth, said my prayers, prayed with Jayze, and now I'm excited to go to sleep.

What a day.

PS: Can't wait to shower tomorrow. 

Full Hands

It was a day when it was hard to live in a hotel. 

I felt cooped up, the kids felt cooped up (at least I knew Aidan did). Dinnertime was quickly approaching, but the babe was fussy and wanted to be held and Aidan kept pushing me out of the kitchen wanting me to play with him. All the motivation I had left for making dinner vanished. I gave up and turned on a movie for Aidan so he would be entertained while I fixed up a bottle for Kimball. As I sat in the recliner feeding our precious baby and half-watching the movie with Aidan, feelings of sadness, stress, and anxiety settled over me. Dressed in sweats, hair in a ponytail, and a makeup-free face, I felt bad Jayze would walk in the door any minute to two tired kids and an overwhelmed, unmotivated wife. All I wanted, and felt like I needed, was a break.

When Jayze came home and asked about my day, I asked him if I could pass the baby to him and go lay down on the bed for ten minutes. Just ten minutes. Maybe even five. I just needed even a tiny break from being in the tiny living room all day. Even our tiny bedroom would seem nice and new. Jayze, being the sweet husband he is, offered even more than I asked. He gathered up the kids - Kimball in his car seat and Aidan with sandals on his feet and a toy car in each hand - and took them for a drive around the city.

I was so grateful. I crashed onto our bed and tried to get a few zzzz's. But for some reason I couldn't sleep, so I turned on "Fixer Upper" and vegged on that for a while. My mind finally calmed down enough for me to take a short nap. When I woke up, the hotel room was still empty. Just the sounds from people walking around in the room above us and our A/C running were heard. I lay there for a few minutes soaking in the silence, but then I felt...lonely. I suddenly missed my kiddos and my husband and wanted them to come back. I hoped they were okay. I texted Jayze to tell him I missed them and then thought of my empty arms. Aidan wasn't there crawling around on the bed struggling to climb into them and Kimball wasn't there crying to be held. It was just me.

Ever since we moved to Michigan and have lived in our one-bedroom hotel room, I've tried to get out at least once a day with the kids. We've hit up the zoo, the temple, the park that's twenty minutes away, and the public library (we go there most often because it's close, it's free, and Aidan loves it - he screams his high-pitched scream every time we leave). We've gone downstairs to blow bubbles, gone downstairs to do laundry, gone on walks on the paths around the library, and gone on long drives exploring the city. It's a struggle to get both kids out the door, but once we're out, it's definitely worth it.

It seems that every time I'm out with the kids - Kimball in the baby carrier or in the car seat and Aidan holding my hand in the parking lots - I get the comments:

"Wow, you have your hands full!" 

"How old is your little one?" 

"Two boys? Congratulations, that's wonderful."

I smile and say, with my heart bursting inside and a tinge of sadness, "Yes, yes my hands are full."

And I think, If only they knew.

If only they knew that my hands and arms were so empty a couple of years ago.

If only they knew that I'm a mom to three boys.

If only they knew how broken my heart was.

If only they knew that this young woman lugging around a full diaper bag, a baby in his car seat, and a sweet toddler used to dream of this and ache for it when her dream was shattered by the words, "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat."

If only they knew that I prayed for these sweet babies after I buried one in the ground.

If only they knew what a struggle it was carrying each of them, hoping and trying to have faith they would make it to my arms alive.

If only they knew of the testimony I had to gain before exercising the faith to try to get pregnant the first time - to want my future to include motherhood.

That everything that includes motherhood is what I am so grateful for - the mess, stress, expense, struggles, tiny hands, pitter-pattering feet, belly laughs, baby smiles, coos, story-time, learning, growing, saying, "no," slobbery kisses, saying, "wuv ooo," prayers, songs - this is what I prayed for.

Having "full hands" to some seems overwhelming. I guess some days it is. But I've also had it the other way, which is also so, so, so overwhelming. Being a stay-at-home mom is hard...but I wouldn't have it any other way because I have had it the other way.

Wanting and needing a break is okay. I think it keeps the whole family sane. But that day in the hotel was a reminder to hold on. Soak in these babies and hold on tightly to them.

It was a reminder of the day I got to hold Alma all day long and how I would give anything to hold him again right now. To have another day with him in my arms.

Some days are long, but the years are short. This time with my precious babies is going by so quickly. It's a reminder to cherish this time because one day down the road when my babies are grown I'll wish people still said to me, "Wow, you have your hands full!"

Missing Alma

Aidan grinned from ear to ear and happily ran to the playground. Once he got there, he was a little more cautious. With some prompting, I finally convinced him to climb the stairs so he could go down the slide.

As he started up the stairs, I looked down to check on Kimball, who was still sleeping soundly in the baby carrier against my chest. I looked up again and saw that Aidan had made it to the top of the tall, brown slide. He sat down, smiled, and seemed to want to come down, but didn't seem sure if he could.

I kept saying, "Come on, Aidan! You can do it! Come on down - it'll be fun! Wait, where are you going? Yeah, come on down! You've done it before!" After a lot of prompting, down he slid until he came to the gradual stop at the end of the slide. Once at the end, he hopped back onto the ground, looked my way, and headed toward the stairs to start the process again.

After he was done with the slide, we walked unsteadily across the wood chips to the horses on springs. It was his first time being on one, since the park we always went to in Rexburg didn't have any. He wasn't quite sure what to do, so I asked him, "Do you want to get on? Here, let me help you." I awkwardly bent down, Kimball still in the baby carrier, and plopped him into the saddle.

A little kid who we had met at the slide and looked to be about 5 years old ran over and jumped onto the horse next to Aidan's. He asked me to hold the little toy he had with him so he could rock away as fast as he could without losing his toy. Aidan stared at the little boy and watched his every move.

By watching the little boy, Aidan slowly made the connection that the horse was meant for rocking, and oh! he could put his feet on the metal stirrups to get more momentum.

Feet on the stirrups.

Aidan grinned and laughed as he made the horse go faster and faster for a few seconds and then he went back to watching the little boy, seeing if he could learn anything new again.

Then a little girl came along, jumped on a horse, rode it for a second, jumped back off, and ran to the sand pit. After that, Aidan wanted to go to the sand pit, too. So I gave the little boy back his toy, grabbed Aidan's hands and pulled him off the horse, and off to the sand pit we went...where Aidan did a lot of standing around and watching, trying to figure out how the sand pit worked. Finally, after watching the other kids for a little bit and after a little prompting from me, he carefully walked over and started playing in the dirt. It wasn't long, though, before he stopped what he was doing and went back to watching the kids all around him.

While Aidan was trying to get his bearings in the sand pit, I stood off to the side, trying to let him be independent. As I stood there, one mom asked me how old Aidan was.

I told her, "21 months." 

She smiled, nodded, and said, "He's a cutie." 

"Thanks! He likes watching more than he likes playing with other kids. I don't think I get out with him enough," I said, a little apologetically.

She smiled and said, "Oh, that's okay," and pointed out her little girl. "That's how my daughter was. She recently turned three and is just barely starting to play more independently when we come here. I think it's just a personality thing. Her older sister was a little more crazy and bold when she was that age, but my three-year-old used to be content to just hang out around me and watch the other kids play."

At that point, she got distracted and Aidan started wandering back to the horses, so I kind of waved goodbye and followed Aidan. He got on the horse again, but didn't seem as interested, so we headed toward the swings. I asked him if he wanted to get on, and he replied in his cute little toddler way of affirming that, yes, he did want to get on the swing.

Once on the swing, Aidan had the time of his life! He laughed and kept saying, "Mooooore, mooooore!" So, I stood there, took pictures, grabbed at his feet, and pushed him higher and higher.

As I pushed and played with Aidan, a knot tightened in my stomach and I had to blink back tears in the midst of laughing with him. For some reason, every time I get on the swings and swing with Aidan, or when he swings by himself and I push him, I think of Alma. Every time. And as I pushed, I thought of the reason why this time at the park, my heart felt heavy. It wasn't just because it was a new and unfamiliar place or because it was the first time I was at the park by myself with two kids and felt a new and awkward carrying a baby around and following a toddler, trying to make it look like I knew what I was doing. It was more than that because, really, none of that was really bothering me because I love what I do - trying to be a good mom to my kids. 

My heart felt heavy because of how careful and cautious Aidan was around this new and unfamiliar park. He was attempting to play with kids he didn't know - ones who were older than him and seemed to know how the different entertainment on the playground worked. And what the mom said stuck out to me about her little daughter who was also cautious. She was the second child and Aidan is the second child. I've heard from a lot of moms that the second baby tends to be calmer and easier than the first baby (obviously, not always the case), and it made me wonder what Alma would be like. Would he be more crazy and bold like the mom's older daughter? Would I be out of breath chasing him around, while also keeping an eye on Aidan and Kimball? 

At that moment, I wished Alma was there. I wished he was there so I could experience him. Experience his personality on a day-to-day basis and see him play with his younger brothers. I could just imagine him with high energy, running around everywhere, while pulling Aidan along and showing him how things worked. Being the older brother and taking care of his younger brother. Showing him the ropes and getting in some trouble now and then. 

It's hard being an angel momma. The "what if's" are always there and my invisible child is always lingering in moments like these where I remember I'd be watching over three boys and not just two. The moments where I try to imagine what my life would be like if I were raising Alma right now along with Aidan and Kimball.

These heart-wrenching, lump-in-the-throat moments hit me like a ton of bricks, and it's hard to catch my breath and get back up again. Grief isn't ever-present anymore, but in the moments it comes, it hurts just as much as the days following Alma's death did.

In times like these, I'm even more grateful for my Savior Jesus Christ and for His love for me. They are reminders to grow closer to Him and rely on Him - in both good times and bad times. They're also reminders that I haven't forgotten Alma, and he's still a huge influence in my life. I'm so grateful for that! That he is a part of our family and always will be. I just want to live worthy enough to see and hold him again. I know I can claim that promise of forever families and eternal life if I just turn to my Savior and seek for the peace and comfort that comes only through Him.

"Faith in Jesus Christ and His atoning sacrifice is, and forever will be, the first principle of the gospel and the foundation upon which our hope for 'peace in this world, and eternal life in the world to come' is built. In our search for peace amidst the daily challenges of life, we’ve been given a simple pattern to keep our thoughts focused on the Savior, who said: 'Learn of me, and listen to my words; walk in the meekness of my Spirit, and you shall have peace in me. I am Jesus Christ.'" 

("A Pattern for Peace," W. Christopher Waddell, 2016)

NICU

Because of a possible infection, Kimball was in the NICU on antibiotics for five days. My mom was a lifesaver throughout the entire ordeal. She arrived in Rexburg the afternoon Kimball was born and took sole care of Aidan until we were able to bring Kimball home from the hospital.

My mom brought our dinner to the hospital so we could spend time with her and Aidan. 

There were definitely pros and cons to having a baby in the NICU. I think I would have been a lot more stressed out if Kimball was in there because he was a preemie or because he was really sick. Thankfully, he was neither - he was there more for precautionary reasons than anything. I'm grateful the doctors took the "better safe than sorry" route, which I'm all for since losing Alma. Everyone was so nice in the NICU, too. The nurses were so willing to help and I knew Kimball was in good hands whenever I had to leave him to go back to my room.

Jayze got to go to the NICU with Kimball about 30 minutes after Kimball was born. He sent me this picture since I was still stuck in Labor & Delivery.

First time seeing him again after he was born. NICU. 

So in love. Second time I got to hold him. 

Once we knew he had to stay in the NICU longer than 48 hours, one of the nurses had to put a new IV in his head because all of his other veins kept bursting. I'm glad she told us that before we saw him with it in, because then we were able to brace ourselves. It was heart-wrenching seeing that big thing stuck in his head. I pretty much hated it and couldn't wait for it to come out. 

The second night, Jayze decided to go back home to sleep while I stayed another night at the hospital. It ended up being a good decision because both Aidan and Kimball had a hard time that night. I was pumping, trying to get anything to come out, while watching TV to keep my mind occupied. When I finished, I turned off the lights and tried to get some much needed sleep, but I kept getting the prompting to check on Kimball. I finally crawled out of bed and hobbled down to the NICU. After I washed my hands, I checked in with the nurse who told me that Kimball was really fussy and having a hard time going to sleep. As I approached the bassinet and softly called his name, he calmed down a little bit. Ever since he was born, he has seemed to know all of our voices. I grabbed him from the little bassinet and gently rocked him. I felt like I needed to be there for him (plus I didn't want to leave my baby), so I sat down with him still in my arms and leaned back in the reclining camping chair. After a few minutes we both fell asleep. We stayed that way for a couple of hours.

When it felt like it was time to go, I placed him back into the little bassinet and sleepily walked up to my room. While I was in the elevator, Jayze texted me and said that Aidan had woken up screaming (about the same time I felt prompted to go check on Kimball) and he was just now calming down again. It was a moment where I was grateful that Jayze and I could be there for our kids. This parenting thing is tough stuff (including parenting an angel baby), but I'm so grateful that the Spirit leads and guides us. I hadn't planned to go to the NICU at all that night because I hadn't been able to sleep much since Kimball was born, and I knew I needed sleep to heal, so I was planning to do just that - sleep. But I'm so grateful I followed that prompting so I could be there for my baby boy. It's a moment I want to look back on and remember that even when the timing doesn't seem perfect or convenient according to me, it really is perfect to the Lord.

I already love being Kimball's mom. I hope someday he knows that I need him just as much as he needs me. 

The nurses made this banner for him. They made a banner for all of the NICU babies, which I think is so thoughtful. We loved it. 

Soaking in that glorious newborn smell. 

By the time the five days were up, we were anxious to get home. Aidan still hadn't met Kimball, and I was so excited for these two brothers to meet. I wanted all of us home together. But when we finally got the all clear and were on the way home with our new baby in the backseat, I felt nervous. I wasn't sure how Aidan was going to react to his new little brother. Plus, a piece of my heart was still missing. I ached to hold Alma and wished that we were coming home to him, too. 

Neither Aidan or Kimball liked being put in the car seat for the first time, haha. 

But once Aidan saw Kimball, my worries went away and a tender peace filled my heart. Aidan couldn't stop saying "Baby!" and everything felt right for just a few precious moments. Precious moments I don't ever want to forget. 

"Baby!"
First time seeing Kimball in person.