Faith in the Middle

For those of you who don't know, I'm 28 weeks pregnant with our first girl. Yay! I can honestly say now that I'm excited, but it wasn't like that in the beginning.

A few months after having my fourth baby, Lincoln, I didn't want to get pregnant again. Not yet.

It was the same way after I gave birth to my third baby, Kimball. Jayze and had I decided to wait at least a year after we had him. My pregnancy with Kimball, especially the very end, was difficult emotionally and physically. I had a hard time bonding with him, and I was ready for a break. But, after a special experience and a flip-of-the-switch-type-answer from Heavenly Father, 9 months later we were pregnant with Lincoln.

I've been really fortunate in my pregnancies. Morning sickness in the beginning (all day car sickness and extreme fatigue), energized with a cute baby bump in the middle, and then waddling my way through more waves of fatigue and pain until I have the baby. You might say I have textbook pregnancies. It was that way even with Alma all the way up until he passed away. My labor and delivery with him and my physical recovery from giving birth went quickly and well. In fact, one of the women I used to work with told me (soon after I had Alma), "You're born to have babies!" 

With that little bit of context in mind, you would think that making the decision to try getting pregnant for me is easy, but it's soooo not. I've described it to others before that it's like a light switch. I have a baby, then I really don't want to be pregnant again until suddenly I do and it feels right to try again. We've received the go-ahead from Heavenly Father every time. (It was a little different after Alma, but I won't go into that right now). People ask us how many kids we want, and I know after having Alma, it's not that simple. I can have a specific number in my head, but who knows if that's what God has in mind for us? So our way is taking it just one baby at a time. 

However, even with all that, Jayze and I were determined to wait longer between Lincoln and the next pregnancy. And I mean really determined, especially me. I wanted longer to heal and time to accomplish a few personal goals. Plus, I was already slightly overwhelmed with three boys at home. Not enough to be crazy hard, but just hard enough for that daily stretching and sometimes painful HIIT moments that come with being in the trenches of motherhood.

A year went by, and it was weird not to be pregnant with another baby while celebrating Lincoln's one year birthday. That light switch hadn't flipped yet, and I wasn't sure when it was going to happen. To be honest, I was grateful I hadn't felt it yet. I always have a lot of fear during my pregnancies, and I just was not ready.  

Not long after Lincoln's first birthday, Jayze and I started talking more seriously about trying for another baby again. Was it the right time? Were we ready? Was there another child waiting for us? We couldn't decide, so we let it sit. 

One night, a few weeks later and after a moment of subtly knowing I was pitting my will against God's on this matter, I had the very distinct impression, "Do you trust me?" It came like lightning to my heart. I still felt overwhelmed by the thought of being pregnant again, but I couldn't deny it. I knew it was time to set aside my plan and put my faith in Heavenly Father's plan.

The next month we were pregnant. 

I'd like to say I was excited, but the reality is when I saw the pregnancy test results, a mix of emotions washed over me - mostly sadness and anxiety (which is soooo hard to admit). I thought, How am I going to take care of four children here at home four years old and younger? Aidan doesn't start school for another year. They all have such different needs. How am I going to do it all?

In my opinion, one of the hardest parts of motherhood is splitting my attention five different ways. Each of my children all have such different needs and love languages, and I hate not having that one on one time with each of them like I had when it was just Aidan and me. But, I took a picture of the pregnancy test and told Jayze later that night the news. We sat on the couch holding hands, trying to envision the next 9 months. We knew it wasn't going to be easy. It doesn't have to be easy every time. That night as I prayed, I held onto the truth that this was right. I felt a deep peace because I was intentionally putting trust and faith in God. "Do you trust me?" kept coming back, and I decided that yes, even though it was hard, I did trust Him. 

Fast forward to the much-anticipated 20-week ultrasound appointment. We thought we were having a girl (like all the other times!), but this time we were secretly hoping for another boy. We even had a name picked out, which was a miracle in and of itself (boy names are so hard for us!). But at the very end of the ultrasound, after I went to the bathroom three different times and switched positions about 100 more so she could get the right measurements, the ultrasound tech finally saw the gender and announced, "You're having a girl!"

Immediately I was excited, but I was also so scared. You know that feeling of wanting to cry, but it just gets stuck in your chest and the tears won't come? I had that. I walked out of the office to my car and just sat there for a few minutes taking it in. As I stared out the front window to the sunny outside, I thought of when I got the news that Aidan was a boy. It was a similar feeling, except with Aidan I did cry.

It's hard to describe to anyone who hasn't been through it, but I felt that way because just like that I was back at square one. Actually, more like square one and a half. This pregnancy with this sweet little girl right now feels so much like my pregnancies with Alma and Aidan - a perfect mix between the two. Perfect, yet terrifying. Anxiety and what if's and denial waging their war against peace, trust, and faith. An entire 40 weeks of not knowing if we're going to get to bring this child home, but really really really hoping we can.

My pregnancy with Lincoln was the most peaceful I'd had. I truly feel like it was a beautiful, precious gift from God - one I am still immensely grateful for. I knew my body could handle carrying a healthy, living baby boy past 37 weeks, and my heart had healed in so many ways since bringing two other boys home. I felt prompted to give birth to Lincoln naturally (another post for another day), so that's what I focused on. I wanted another boy because I knew I had handled it before and could handle it again.

Having a girl this time makes it feel like we're having our first baby again. New clothes, new blankets, the thoughts of, "What do we do with a girl?" Comments from other people didn't help either. It was painful and annoying to hear, "You finally get your girl!" This might savor a little of bitterness (although I know people really do mean well), but whenever someone tells me that I think of bluntly responding, "Are my boys not good enough?"; "Well, we actually wanted a boy again"; "We're not just over here having all of these kids hoping for a girl"; "I'm glad you're excited I'm pregnant again, but would you be that excited for me if we were having another boy?"

One day I was cleaning up the kitchen after breakfast when the song, "Faith in the Middle" by Hilary Weeks came on. My kids were running around playing, there were dishes in the sink and dirty dishes on the table, but with a wet dishcloth in one hand I stopped in my tracks, leaned on the sink, and just cried. Like, ugly cried cried.

Heaven is open, God has spoken, He has spoken to you
You've had a witness, You know that this is what you're meant to do
The flame is burning and hope is alive, but you've been here before 
And you know there'll be times

[Chorus]
When doors are gonna close and you need them to open
Some will second guess the direction you are goin'
Lot of fading hope might dwindle 
And you're gonna need some faith in the middle
To keep you moving forward when you think you've reached your limits
To step into the battle when you're not sure you can win it
When you question or doubt more than a little, well that's when you're gonna need faith in the middle

Maybe you're thinkin' about leavin', let go, or turning around
You've come so far, you've worked too hard, don't walk away now
You're gonna make it, it's worth the climb
So don't you give up, even though there'll be times 

[Chorus]
When doors are gonna close and you need them to open
Some will second guess the direction you are goin'
Lot of fading hope might dwindle 
And you're gonna need some faith in the middle
To keep you moving forward when you think you've reached your limits
To step into the battle when you're not sure you can win it
When you question or doubt more than a little, well that's when you're gonna need faith in the middle

You're gonna make it, it's worth the climb
So don't you give up even though there may be times

[Chorus]

Those lyrics were perfect for me that day, and they keep coming back to me on the hard days. This spiritual fire is intense and scorching, but I know enough from past experiences that when I turn to God I will come out stronger and more refined in the process.

In one of my workout videos, the people in the video and I are practically sitting on the floor because we're doing such low squats. My legs are burning and I'm hating the instructor because he's not letting me stand up and I don't know when I'll get to stand up. He's sweating and pumping his fist into his hand and says, "Don't run from the pain. Embrace it."

And guys, that is so.hard.to.do. Like, are you kidding me? How am I supposed to embrace this? 

But I tell people now who have lost a baby, "Feel all of the feelings. Don't run away from grief - let it run its course. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to grieve. You're not crazy. It's painful, it's hard, but if you let it you will become stronger because of this pain. You will rise from this, and it will be beautiful." 

"There's no grief like the grief that does not speak," said Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Speak your grief! Don't hold it in. It will get worse if you run from it, but it will get better if you let it out. 

I love this quote that I posted in one of my blog posts What Matters Most: 

"The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay."
("Refined in Our Trials," James E. Faust, 2006)

With all of these feelings I've had, I know there is something to learn from this. With this pregnancy with my sweet baby girl. I am paying the price yet again to know God. It's not easy, but it is worth it. And as hard as it is, I am thankful for it. Because to know God is worth it.

So I'm going to keep showing up. Showing up for me, for Jayze, for my baby girl, for my boys. Showing up for the battle, and having the faith that no matter what happens, God's got this. God's got me. 

28 weeks + 1 day pregnant with Baby Girl Flake

30 Weeks

Whenever I hit 30 weeks along, I realize just how close we are! Plus, with how quickly this pregnancy has gone, I know having the baby is right around the corner. I'm excited and nervous. I can't wait to hold him in my arms, but I always get worried about all of the planning that happens before heading to the hospital.

Having a baby is not like planning a wedding or baby shower or birthday party. Those have set dates and times, whereas having a baby is totally up in the air. It makes it harder to plan and keeps us on our toes, but I'm glad we still have a few weeks before worrying too much about it. 

I'm excited to see how Aidan and Kimball are going to react to having a baby in the house. Kimball will be around the same age Aidan was when we brought Kimball home, and Aidan understands so much more now that I can't wait to see him be a big brother again. He calls the baby "Hudsy" (I have no idea where he got that) and always tries to be careful around my belly. Kimball might go through some hard days because he loves snuggling and being close to me, so I'm glad he has Aidan to play with.

30 Weeks

Update:

How far along: 30 weeks + 4 days.

Gender: Boy!

Clothes: I'm still growing and my clothes aren't. :)

Sleep: I need to go to bed earlier because I've been exhausted. Kimball got a 24-hour bug a few days ago, and since then I haven't felt that great either. No throwing up, but just really tired. However, I haven't had any bad dreams (yay!), and I don't wake up much in the middle of the night which is nice, too. 

Movement: This baby moves around a lot, and I'm so grateful. I had an ultrasound yesterday, and the ultrasound tech said, "Wow! I can see him move your stomach." Sure enough, the left side of my stomach was sticking out farther than the rest of my stomach. This kid's a mover, and I don't mind one bit.

Cravings: Smoothies (homemade), peanut butter toast...not much else. My appetite hasn't been very good this past week. 

Aversions: Pizza, fast food, and meat.

Comfort level: I have a pain in my lower abdomen that I didn't have with the other three that is so uncomfortable. It feels like round ligament pain, but on the underside of my belly. Other than that, it's not too bad. 

Missing anything: Being able to get up without a struggle, haha, and hard-core exercise. 

Hardest part: Trying to keep up with Aidan and Kimball. Also, I really miss being able to lay down anytime and focus on the baby. I've been up and about so much that I can only do that mornings before the kids wake up or evenings after the kids go down. If I lay down while they're awake, they just climb all over me, haha. 

Best moment of the week: Last week was Thanksgiving, which was wonderful. We spent so much time as a family, which I was so grateful for. This week we're preparing to move, so watching Aidan climb into the boxes is amusing. Also, yesterday I got to see the baby on the ultrasound which helped ease my anxiety. I love seeing and hearing his heartbeat. 

I just keep hoping and praying we'll get to take this baby boy home with us. I already love him so much and am so grateful I can feel him every day. All the little curve balls pregnancy tends to throw at me are worth it. 

27 Weeks

27 Weeks

Yesterday, I hit 27 weeks along. Only one more week in the second trimester! There have been a few "bumps" (har har), but mostly regarding my health vs. the baby's health.

Remember how I had varicose veins in my past three pregnancies? Well, the term they gave it when I was pregnant with Alma is actually "superficial thrombophlebitis." It started in one spot behind my knee and wasn't bad at all (compared to now). However, it's grown worse with each subsequent pregnancy. Towards the beginning of this pregnancy, I finally caved and bought compression stockings ($$$) because my leg looked and felt so bad. Thankfully, I can hide it better now since it's colder and I don't want to wear sandals all the time anymore. Plus, they're actually more comfortable than the ones I've bought before.

Despite that annoying and (a little worrisome) thing in my leg, it's been a smooth ride so far. I was talking to one of my friends last week at church and she asked me how the pregnancy was going. I told her, "I'm always so sick and tired in the first trimester, and it's hard to function. I don't throw up, but it's like all day car sickness and exhaustion. Then I'm always anxious and tired during the third trimester, so really, right now it's going well."

Even though I try to cherish each moment in the pregnancy, the second trimester really is my favorite out of the three. It's when I have the most energy, it doesn't hurt when the baby kicks, and my baby bump is still at the super-cute-status vs. I-bet-you're-going-to-have-the-baby-anytime-now status.

It's also when my anxiety is at the lowest level.

After going through being pregnant with Aidan and Kimball, and now being pregnant with our fourth baby boy, I've realized that the pregnancy after loss anxiety will never go away. I have had more peace regarding some things during this pregnancy I didn't have during my other ones, but I've also had more worries regarding other things I wasn't worried about before. And I know as my belly keeps growing and the 37-week mark approaches, my anxiety level will keep rising higher and higher like the red line on a weather thermometer.

However, I've also realized that no matter what point I'm at in my pregnancy, it's a privilege and honor to carry this sacred life inside of me. Even if things might not work out the way I plan or hope, this time with my baby is and will always be precious. I love feeling him move and I never take it for granted. Every day I thank my Heavenly Father for this baby and hope to be the best mom I can be to him, even though he's not born yet.

Update:
How far along: 27 weeks + 1 day
Gender: Boy!
Maternity clothes: Snagged a couple of things last week. Still in dire need of pants, more shirts, and dresses. I don't want to go clothes shopping with Aidan and Kimball, though, so it's been a little tricky finding time to go shopping by myself.
Sleep: If I went to bed earlier, it would be great. It's been cold lately, but since Jayze put a second blanket on our bed, I've been as comfortable as a 27-week pregnant women can be (whatever that means, right?). I was lucky last week because all I needed to do was shift back and forth a few times before being out for the night. The past few nights, though, I tossed and turned and kept waking up. But so far no crazy, graphic dreams, which has been really nice.
Movement: I love, love, love feeling him move, and thankfully this kid moves around quite a bit. He tends to move more when I'm listening to music, reading to Aidan and Kimball, and right after I eat (especially if it's sugar or fruit).
Cravings: Chicken sandwiches, dark chocolate Kit-Kats (thanks Halloween candy), salads, smoothies, pumpkin pie, peanut butter toast, and any food I don't have to make.
Aversions: Pizza and burgers.
Comfort level: This week was kind of a drastic change from last week. All of a sudden my comfort level went wayyyy down. Even sitting throughout all of third hour yesterday at church was hard, so I'm not sure how the next few weeks are going to go haha. Yesterday I kept thinking, "Already?!"
Missing anything: Exercising! I only exercised once last week, so this week I'm committed! It really helps with the aches so much, as well as my mood.
Hardest part: Still trying to figure out a name. It's also hard either trying to find someone to watch my kids while I go to my doctor's appointment or bring them with me. Also, (this doesn't really have anything to do with the pregnancy) Aidan has been a handful lately which has been taxing.
Best moment of the week: Painting the Thankful pumpkin. I love creating things and doing crafts, so that was so fun for me. I also made a Thanksgiving turkey with Aidan and Kimball, and it makes me happy every time I see it.

Aidan and Kimball really like it too. Aidan always wants to touch its eyes and Kimball smiles and points at it and says, "What's that?" all the time. One of these days he might actually say "turkey" while pointing at it. :)

Last week. 26 weeks along.

24 Weeks

19 Weeks along

This past Sunday, I hit 24 weeks along in my pregnancy. It's going by much more quickly than the last three pregnancies, which is both exciting and terrifying. I'm excited to have another boy to love on, but I'm terrified of the last few weeks of the pregnancy that are right around the corner. The last few weeks are always the most stressful because that's when we lost Alma.

I'm also starting to doubt my ability of taking care of three children here. I've felt consistently nauseous and tired and some days it's been hard to take care of two boys let alone three. The second trimester has been a lot easier than the first, but A and K definitely give me a run for my money with their energy (especially since Aidan's suddenly turned into a three-nager haha) and I don't know how it's all going to pan out with me not sleeping through the night. One of my biggest struggles as a parent has been balancing time between my kids (even Alma) and making sure I have enough one-on-one time with each of them. It's hard to split my attention three different ways, so I know it will take even more effort splitting it four ways.

However, every time I get a moment to myself to rub my belly and look around my living space, imagining a newborn snuggled in my arms or asleep in the bouncer, I feel such a deep, abiding peace that this baby is meant to be here and it will all be okay. It's such a sacred privilege to carry a child, and I want to give it the honor it deserves by treasuring the tender mercies that come every single day. Yes, it's hard and scary and exhausting, but it's also a quiet joy and I'm grateful. Whatever comes, I know Heavenly Father is right there with me.

22 Weeks

22 Weeks

Update:
How far along: 24 weeks + 2 days
Gender: Boy!
Maternity clothes: The past three times I always just winged it because we had almost no money for extra clothes. I was planning to do the same this time around, but I've gotten bigger faster and it's just so much more comfortable to wear maternity clothes. I've bought a couple of things and have been rotating through them and my regular clothes, but I also don't want stretch out my regular clothes. So, if anyone has any recommendations for good quality but not expensive maternity clothes, I'm looking! :)
Sleep: I go to bed exhausted almost every night, so I've actually been sleeping pretty well. Since the boys take a nap at the same time (yes!), sometimes I'm able to squeeze in a nap too. No crazy dreams yet. And since I wised up and stopped drinking so much water right before bedtime, I'm not up 3-4 times a night going to the bathroom anymore.
Movement: This baby moves so much, and I love it SO MUCH. The second trimester is especially the best because his kicking and moving doesn't hurt yet. I never ever get tired of feeling him move.
Cravings: Chick-fil-A, Panera (aka soups and salads!), smoothies, baked goods, macaroni salad (but only a few bites), hummus and pita chips or pita bread, muffins, snacky foods.
Aversions: Pizza, Chinese food, burgers, spaghetti (hmmm, this seems to be a common theme), and sometimes chocolate (heartburn!). Actually, I probably have zero excitement for any of the food I just mentioned because they all give me heartburn.
Missing anything: Working out hard core...or even working out at all...so I finally started doing strengthening exercises again this week. I'm committed! It helps with the aches and pains soooooo much. I also miss fitting comfortably into my clothes.
Hardest part: Picking a name! Guys, if Jayze and I were having a girl the only hard part would be picking which one. We probably have five girl names picked out already (middle too!). It's been difficult (to say the least!) going through names and trying to find one we both like.
Best moment of the week: Today I took Aidan and Kimball with me to the doctor's appointment (they were so busy!), and we all got to hear the baby's heartbeat. They stopped getting into stuff the moment they heard it and were kind of like, "What the heck?" but it was cute. I never get tired of hearing that sound. Someone should invent some sort of bracelet or app or something that allows you to listen to the heartbeat any time you want.

22 Weeks

It's been a blur of a pregnancy so far. We're grateful we're having another baby and I keep getting more and more and more excited about having another boy. It's going to be wonderful having a baby in the house again.

Kimball's Birth Story

Kimball McCleve Flake made his appearance at 2:54 p.m. Tuesday, May 10. He was 7 lbs. 10 oz. and 20 inches long.
 
He came out with a head chock full of dark hair just like his older brothers. His eyes are a beautiful dark blue - darker around the edges, and lighter in the middle. He has the cutest little cry and the sweetest little personality. I already love everything about him and am so grateful he's here - alive, healthy, well, and breathing. My baby boy #3.

Kimball was born exactly a week early, just like Aidan. Except this time I wasn't induced; Kimball came on his own, which actually ended up being a HUGE tender mercy. I'm not sure things would have turned out quite as well if he had come at the scheduled induction the next day.

I'll start from the beginning.

I had been having tons of Braxton Hicks for a few weeks leading up to his birth. I hated hitting 37 weeks, was anxious the whole week, and was grateful when I finally bypassed it and hit 38 weeks along. However, since I was having so many Braxton Hicks and cramps and some real contractions, I asked to be checked when I was 37 weeks along. I wasn't sure if I would be dilated at all or not, but I was definitely crossing my fingers that I would be. I was hoping that being so uncomfortable meant that my body was progressing towards having this baby. And it was! When the doctor came in and checked me, I was already 3cm dilated and 75% effaced. They scheduled me for an induction for 39 weeks, unless the baby came before then (which Jayze and I were really hoping he would.)

That whole week I continued to get more and more uncomfortable, so I was anticipating being more dilated when I was checked again at the next appointment on Tuesday when I hit 38 weeks along. The Sunday before my 38-week appointment, May 1, I thought I was going into real labor. We were at church, and my contractions were coming steady and hard every five minutes for about half an hour. By the time we got home, though, they had become really inconsistent. I called the nurse and she gave me some tips to get the contractions more consistent and time-able, but they ended up stopping altogether.

The contractions this pregnancy really threw me for a loop - they would be consistent and strong and then suddenly stop or become inconsistent again. I was hoping I would be more dilated at my next appointment, but to my disappointment, I was still at around 3-4 cm dilated and 75%. The nurse I had talked to on the phone and saw at the office at my next appointment was surprised I hadn't gone into labor over the weekend. After the doctor checked me, he told me I could go into labor at any time. He knew I was scheduled for an induction the next week, but said he would be surprised if I didn't go into labor before then. That certainly got my hopes up.

Over the weekend, Jayze and I went out for lots of walks with Aidan and ate tons of pineapple (we heard that it naturally induces labor - if you eat like 7 or 8. We were hoping it would happen if we just ate one or two, haha). I tried relaxing and taking hot showers. I vacuumed twice every day, swept and mopped, deep-cleaned both bathrooms, and took naps. It was on Sunday, May 8, when we had our first, real scare.

I was patting myself on the back for making it through the pregnancy this far and only going to urgent care once to check for the baby's heartbeat. I thought my paranoia was getting better, but Sunday, May 8 (Mother's Day), made me realize that I still had deep fears and anxieties about the end of the pregnancy and the labor and delivery. It started out routine - church, Sunday nap, and had Jayze's brother over for dinner. Everyone was super happy the whole day. After putting Aidan down for bed, we played a few games with Jayze's brother, Noah. After he left, Jayze and I settled in for a relaxing evening before we went to bed, too. When 9:00 p.m. hit, I realized that I hadn't done the official baby kick count for the day. I had felt the baby move earlier that morning and some in the afternoon, but the movement seemed less, and I hadn't felt him all evening. With a little trepidation, I laid down on the couch and started counting.

After an hour, I had less than 10 counts, and my anxiety level was almost through the roof. I told Jayze, and he tried to convince me to call the nurse. I hate calling the nurse after hours. It seems like emergencies always happen at night and on the weekends when your only choice is to go to the expensive hospital. I was trying to avoid going, because I didn't want to seem crazy or too paranoid and the scary thought kept coming to me...what if something really was wrong? Denial set in, and I couldn't bring myself to agree calling the nurse. But, in the back of my mind I kept thinking about Alma and how I would do anything to get this baby here safely. Yet, I just couldn't call the nurse - I couldn't get my emotions under control. Finally, Jayze ended up calling. After Jayze explained the situation, the nurse told us that things were probably okay, but with my past history, we should go in just to make sure. We called Jayze's brother again and asked him to come stay with Aidan while we went to the hospital. By that time it was 11:00. Thank you, Noah.

Thanks to the nurse calling ahead to let the hospital know we were coming, we didn't have to wait long to get into a room. I dressed into a hospital gown, climbed on top of the bed, and waited for the nurse to come back in so we could hear the heartbeat I was so longing to hear. She came in, put me on the NST, and there it was - my baby's heartbeat. I don't think I'll ever, ever, ever get tired of hearing my baby's heartbeat. The machine registered that I was getting some contractions, but not consistent ones. Thankfully, the baby looked good, but they were concerned about a couple of things, so they kept me there for a while and contacted the doctor. When the nurse called the doctor, he told her to check me. I was 4 cm dilated and 80% effaced. I had progressed! Jayze and I weren't sure if they were just going to induce me that night or not. We were half hoping they would and half hoping they wouldn't. We weren't prepared to be induced in the middle of the night and were so tired, but we were also anxious to get this baby here safely. We just wanted him here! In addition to the NST, they did an ultrasound. Everything looked good so they decided to let us go home since I had a doctor's appointment a couple of days from then. Talk about a roller coaster. We left with a couple of ultrasound pictures in hand, and I was hoping that wasn't the last time I got to see my baby alive.

Monday came and went, and Tuesday I had an appointment at the doctor. When I woke up, my contractions felt more painful and regular...again. I braced myself for them to stop, but they kept coming. I went in for my appointment and did the routine ultrasound. But this time, the ultrasound tech wasn't able to get everything she needed, so she sent me to do an NST. Which I am so grateful for, because I'm not sure things would have worked out the way they did without the NST. 

I got on the NST, and the baby seemed to being doing...okay. I wasn't feeling much movement from him, so the nurses kept trying to wake him up. He also wasn't getting as much variation in his heart rate as they wanted, so that was another concern. After almost an hour of being on the NST, they finally saw some improvement. However, since the baby wasn't moving around as much, it took him awhile to get variation, and I was getting steady, hard contractions, they decided to check me and see if they should send me up to the hospital to have the baby. I was scared, nervous, and excited all at once. I was scheduled to be induced the next day, but with everything going on, I wanted the baby there safely and as soon as possible. They checked me, and I was dilated to a 5 and 80% effaced. It looked like I was going to the hospital! I let Jayze know, we called his brother to come watch Aidan, and up to the hospital we went to have our baby.

We arrived at the hospital, did the necessary check-in, and walked into Labor & Delivery. Our nurse showed us to our room and then left while I got in the hospital gown and into the hospital bed. Everything seemed surreal. I was really in labor and we were really going to have the baby!

Only picture we got in the Labor & Delivery room. Since Kimball went into the NICU so soon after being born, getting pictures was the last thing on our minds.

We ended up having two nurses, and they were fantastic. They made us feel comfortable, communicated with us about everything going on, and answered all of our questions. Most importantly, I was comfortable asking them questions. Plus, everything went a lot faster. One nurse did my IV, while the other nurse took my temperature. One asked me questions while the other monitored my contractions. It was great.

It was strange not being induced. That's all I ever knew from my other labor and delivery experiences. This time I wasn't hooked up to medicine - my body was doing it all on its own. It was strange and exciting and terrifying all at once knowing that this was real. I was excited because we were going to have the baby that day, but I was terrified because this baby was having a few complications. I kept hoping and praying that he would be okay and that I would be okay.

I was so grateful to have Jayze with me the entire time. He didn't have to go to our car to grab forgotten paperwork. He didn't have to get off work or school. He didn't have to leave me at the hospital while he dropped Aidan off at a friend's house. It was so comforting to know Aidan was being looked after, my mom was on her way, and Jayze didn't have to go anywhere. Things were falling into place, and tender mercies were happening one right after the other. The Lord's hand was felt throughout the whole birthing experience, and I know things worked out exactly the way they were supposed to and according to the Lord's timing.

My doctor's appointment had been at 10:30, and we got to the hospital a little after 12:30. About half an hour after being there, the doctor walked into our room. I was so relieved to see him. When he walked in he teasingly said something along the lines of, "You're going to give me a heart attack, girl." He had been the doctor on call when we had come to the ER that Sunday and was nearly as anxious to get this baby here safely as I was.

I asked him a few questions about the baby's status, and he said they were keeping an eye on him and that things were going well so far. Before he left, he said, "Make me proud, girl." I'm still not quite sure what he meant (and neither do the nurses), but he probably said it about three more times to me and the nurses before the baby was born, haha.

A little bit later (I'm not sure what time), the doctor came back in to break my water. For some reason I was surprised  and asked him, "Are you going to break my water right now?" He kind of stopped, looked at me, and said, "Yeah...is that okay?" I told him, "Yeah, definitely, just wanted to prepare myself for it." Haha. This whole not being induced was really strange to me. It was hard to keep up with everything happening.

The doctor broke my water, and afterwards noticed a strange smell. He asked the nurses, "Does that smell funny to you?" They both smelled, nodded, and said yes. It smelled rancid, like there was bacteria. Dr. E. turned to me, said there was a possible infection, then turned to one of my nurses and and instructed her to get me on antibiotics right away.

I felt the fear take over again. What did the infection mean? Would the baby be okay? Would I be okay?

The nurse got me on antibiotics, then turned to me and let me know that when the baby was delivered, he would have to go to the NICU just in case he contracted the infection. I was so glad she told me this before the baby was born, because it would have been 10x worse if I hadn't been mentally prepared for them to take him from me after he was born. 

The contractions were coming in harder and faster, and I found it harder to keep my panic down. I didn't know if I was ready to do this. The nurse checked me, and I was already at a 7. At that point, I finally asked for an epidural. I really, really wasn't prepared to have this baby naturally, so I was hoping I would calm down once I got some pain relief. Everything was happening so fast.

I was disappointed when a different guy than the one I had with Alma and Aidan came in to do my epidural, but he was still really nice. Kind of a gruff, no-nonsense type of guy, but he seemed to know what he was doing. The epidural ended up being the easiest out of the other two I had, so I was really grateful for that. I was also determined not to be as numb as I was with Alma and Aidan, especially  with Aidan. I wanted to know where to push when the time came.

Sometime after the epidural, the nurse checked me again and said I was at an 8. Suddenly, the doctor walked in, asked me what I was at, and said that I had to be more than an 8. He checked me literally a couple of minutes after the nurse had and said, "Yep." I was complete. All of a sudden everyone started getting ready to deliver this baby. I was shocked. Wasn't I just at an 8 a few seconds ago? I wasn't even feeling an urge to push. This was going so, so fast.

I have to say, it was great having the doctor there. With Aidan, it was mostly the nurses and Jayze telling me to push, and it wasn't until the baby was coming that the doctor came in. This time, the doctor, my two nurses, and Jayze were telling me to push and encouraging me. I pushed a couple of times when the doctor stood up and said that he might have to use the vacuum to help get the baby out. He also said that if the vacuum didn't work, he would try forceps. If that didn't work, we would have to do a c-section. This was all so much for my mind to process. The doctor got ready and told me to push again. All of a sudden, the baby was coming out on his own! (Later I asked if the doctor had had to use the vacuum (things were such a blur), and the nurse said nope. Thank goodness.) I still wasn't sure where the baby was at this point. All I knew was that I felt a whole lot of pressure (the epidural definitely wasn't as strong this time) and was hoping the baby was almost out. I concentrated as hard as I could on doing what the doctor was telling me.

Suddenly, the baby's head was out, and I felt an immense relief. After another push or two, the baby was born. Jayze, with tears in his eyes, kept looking at me and nodding. Our baby was here! I still couldn't see him. I wasn't sure if they were going to take him right away to the NICU or not, but I was hoping for a glimpse of him before they did. I heard the doctor say, "K, Dad, cut the cord." I heard the scissors snap and saw a tiny glimpse of our baby as he was passed from the doctor to the nurse. At first, the baby was quiet, but then he started quietly crying. Jayze and I instantly looked at each other and smiled. The best sound ever. Our baby was alive! He was breathing!

All of a sudden, there he was in my arms. My baby. I got to see him! Words just can't describe the love I felt for him in that instant. I loved him before he was born, but the love was multiplied a hundred times over when I felt his weight in my arms and saw his eyes open. He was mine. He was okay. He was my baby. He made it.

The doctor came over to where Jayze was standing over me while I was holding the baby. He looked Jayze in the eyes, shook his hand, and said, "You are the third one [that had a stillborn before] this year that we got a baby safely here." After he said that, all three of us started crying. It was such a special, sweet moment.

Before the doctor left for the final time, he winked and pointed at me and said, "You made me proud, girl." What an awesome doctor.

The nurse asked us if we had a name officially picked out. Jayze had been sure of the name since we had arrived at the hospital, but I was a little more hesitant. We looked at each other, and in that moment I knew the name we had picked out was the one. Kimball McCleve Flake. 

I got to hold Kimball for 30 minutes before they took him to the NICU. It was really strange not having him there with me. All of a sudden, it was almost like I hadn't even had him. Jayze left to be with him, and I was alone. I became even more grateful for my nurses. They made being separated from my husband and baby bearable and kept saying I would be able to see Kimball around 5:00. A little later, my mom, sister, Jayze's brother, and Aidan came to see us. It was so good to see them.

Jayze was able to take everyone in two at a time to see Kimball. Everyone except Aidan. It was a little heart wrenching not getting to see Aidan and Kimball meet right away, but it was nice to have a little one-on-one time with each of them before they met. 

Thanks to shift change, it ended up being more around 7:30 before I got to see Kimball again. But it was nice getting me stabilized and to the Mother/Baby Unit first and then going to see him. When we arrived at the NICU, I couldn't wash my hands fast enough. I wanted to see my baby! Jayze wheeled me around the sink after we washed our hands and a few babies down, there he was.

It was the best being able to hold him again.

So in love.

Another sweet spirit made it into our family, and my heart is brimming over once again. Welcome to the fam, Mr. Kimball McCleve Flake. We're so happy and grateful you're here.

Pregnancy Update: 36 Weeks

This past week has been a little bit of an emotional roller coaster. It seems that the closer I get to having this baby, the more anxious I get. I get flashbacks of what happened with Alma. And while I love remembering Alma - the moments when I had him and got to hold him - I don't love what happened. It was so hard, and right now my due date is looming. We're so excited to have this baby, but it's taking more and more effort to be excited rather than just wanting it to be over with. I'm trying to not let fear take over and trying to envision taking another baby home, but some days are better than others. So, like my last pregnancy, I'm focusing on the good this week:

Doctors and Nurse Practioners: 
My doctors and nurse practioners are the best. When I go to doctor appointments, I feel loved and cared for. After doing the routine checkup, one of my doctors asked me how my head was. I took a deep breath while tears pooled in my eyes and answered, "Um, okay," and could only nod after that. He let me know that they are in this with me. I'm not alone. Everyone wants a good outcome - a baby in my arms I can take home with me. I am in their prayers. It was just what I needed to hear. I'm so grateful for my doctors.

Warm Weather:
With Alma and Aidan, I was in my third trimester throughout the entire summer. This time around, it's been fun to be in my third trimester with summer right around the corner. It makes me look forward to walking outside with Aidan and the new baby, as well as having precious sunlight stream through my windows.

Ultrasounds:
The other day I told the ultrasound tech, "These just kill me! They make me want to hold my baby right now!" It's been the best being able to see my baby so often. The other day he had his tiny fist clenched and close to his face, and it was just the sweetest thing.

Braxton Hicks:
Just this past week I've had lots of Braxton Hicks. They put me into major nesting mode. I told my mom, "All of a sudden, I feel like I need to make freezer meals, wash baby clothes, set up the pack 'n play, and vacuum my whole house!" In fact, I want to vacuum every single day "just in case." Yes, definitely in major nesting mode.

Which leads me right into the next point...

Prepping for the Baby:
There's something so hard about prepping for a baby after losing a baby. I hated packing all of Alma's things away. We also left the crib up for a couple of months after he was born with the glider and ottoman right by it. I would get home from school, sit in the glider while holding his blanket, and just cry. So, it really does take an act of faith preparing for the baby. There's always the "what if" in the back of my mind. But a couple of days ago I got out the baby clothes, bibs, wash cloths, tiny socks, and blankets and washed, dried, folded, and put them all away. It was a first step to preparing and has made me want to keep preparing.

p.s. Those baby clothes are tiny! I can't believe Aidan was that small!

Sleep:
I'm so grateful Aidan sleeps through the night, because I'm already up every 3-4 hours going to the bathroom and waking up from crazy dreams. I'm trying to take advantage of the sleep I get now, but also mentally prepare for not getting sleep when the baby gets here.

P90X Stretch:
Who knew pregnant people could do P90X? :) Yesterday, Jayze and I decided to exercise during Aidan's naptime. We popped in P90X Stretch, and it felt wonderful! Even though I wasn't able to do some of the stretches, I was able to do a majority of them. It was just what my body and mind needed.

Prayers and Scriptures:
As I've really tried to pray and study my scriptures daily, I have felt an abiding peace. The Lord is with me. No matter what happens, He won't let me down. He has never let me down. He is with me every step of the way, and I am so grateful for Him. Whenever I'm struggling, it seems like the scriptures I read that day were written just for me. And they were! Whenever I get down on my knees and pour out my heart, I feel my Savior's love. I'm so, so grateful for prayers and scriptures.

This is an exciting time. I'm excited to see Aidan be an older brother, excited to smell that glorious newborn smell, excited to change millions of diapers a day, and excited to be a mom all over again.

I'm trying to be aware of the small and simple things in my life - baby kicks, milestones Aidan reaches, Jayze getting to be home more now that he's graduated, time with friends, sweet and tender mercies...these moments are small but make up to become big, beautiful things in my life. And what a beautiful life it is.

Pregnancy Update: 30 weeks

Today I am 30 weeks along! This pregnancy is really flying by, which I am both happy and nervous about. As I get farther along, I long for Alma more. I long to feel him in my arms again. I long for that perfect labor and delivery and feeling his spirit close by.

I also ache more.

I ache for the moments I'll never get in this life. Ache for the moments I never got to see him alive. Ache for the moments I don't get to see him interact with, play with, and love on Aidan.

My anxiety for this baby to be born has gone up, although I've tried not to let it get the best of me. I get so excited about having another baby and the thought of seeing Aidan with his little brother, and then I get...scared.

Scared that I'll have to bury this child, too. Scared Aidan will be left with two brothers in heaven. Scared I'll have to go through the same trial again.

Aidan loves babies, and it breaks my heart to think of the possibility of not seeing him love our baby - his baby brother.

As I'm progressing farther, I'm reminded over and over again that there is no safe zone for me. No safe zone in this pregnancy. It could happen at anytime and anywhere. It could happen in the middle of the night when I'm sleeping and not counting the baby's movements.

I've been pushing these feelings down, trying to feel like a normal pregnant person - full of hope, only worrying about the aches and pains and no sleep and weird food cravings. But my innocence is gone. I don't get that first-time pregnancy joy again...I've lost it. I've lost my baby before, and it's hard to find that beautiful joy other women who haven't lost a baby have of knowing all the pregnancy hardships will be worth it once my baby is in my arms. I don't know if I'll get that.

As I've thought about and pondered all these thoughts (and more) this past week, I was reminded of a quote from President Thomas S. Monson's most recent general conference talk, "Be an Example and a Light.":

"Remember that faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other. I reiterate what we have been told repeatedly—that in order to gain and to keep the faith we need, it is essential that we read and study and ponder the scriptures. Communication with our Heavenly Father through prayer is vital. We cannot afford to neglect these things, for the adversary and his hosts are relentlessly seeking for a chink in our armor, a lapse in our faithfulness. Said the Lord, 'Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.'"

Satan works hard on all of us, especially when we're trying to be righteous and good. He tries to overshadow me with doubt, and sometimes he wins because I let him. I let doubt dispel my faith and listen to all of the things Satan tells me that can go wrong in this pregnancy, or with life in general.

But I'm learning more and more that it's MY choice. I choose to let Satan in or not. I choose to have faith or doubt. And the more I have faith and act on my faith by reading, studying, and pondering the scriptures and praying to my Heavenly Father, the more peace, joy, and love I'll feel. Strength will fill my soul, and I will claim the promise that "all things shall work together for [my] good."

Things will work out. If I don't get this baby now, I pray I can be worthy to be with him and Alma in heaven. BUT, I am hoping with all my heart and trying to have faith that I'll get this baby here.

I'm hoping I'll get to bring him home and learn about him and snuggle him.

Figure out how to take care of a baby and a toddler on so little sleep.

Figure out how to grocery shop with two children.

Be amazed that my love has multiplied yet again for another child.

I am a mother - it is my greatest calling. I love being a mother. It is the best hard I have ever done. My testimony of motherhood has grown so much, of family, and of marriage. That's what this life is about, and I'm grateful to be part of it.

So, without further ado, here is my pregnancy update:

Cravings: I've become a pickier eater. Definitely. I only want cereal, toast, yogurt, fruit, breads, smoothies, sweet treats (mostly baked goods and chocolate) - pretty much breakfast and easy foods. Probably why I have been feeling tired. I need to vamp up my diet!

Aversions: Spaghetti (unless it's with meatballs...like I said, I have turned into a picky eater). Beans, enchiladas, pizza (except homemade), stir fry, soup. Surprisingly, Mexican food. But, once I start eating something, then I enjoy eating it. It's weird.

Movement: LOVE feeling this baby move. It's still at the point where it doesn't hurt. This baby is a mover, too, which is the best ever.

Heartburn? If I don't eat frequently enough, in comes the burn. However, it generally goes away when I eat cereal with milk.

Sleep: Because of vivid dreams, I don't sleep very well. I've woken up in a cold sweat a few times. It's nice I can take a nap during Aidan's nap time if I need to.  

Best moment this week: Getting to hear the baby's heartbeat. I had to take the gestational diabetes test (yucky drink, but I passed!), and his heartbeat was beating like crazy. It was so fun to hear it and know he's doing well.
 
It was also awesome hitting 30 weeks. Just 10 more weeks to go!

38 Weeks & 4 days: Mixed Everything

To be completely honest, I have been avoiding writing on this blog. And the longer I take to write on it, the easier it gets to avoid it.  In fact, I started this post last week but couldn't bring myself to finish it until now.

I have let grief overtake me these past few weeks, and it has been hard to let it go. Sometimes I think grief is good to let in because it lets me know that I still love Alma. It lets me know that I still miss him. And in a way, it helps me be close to him.

But grief is also mean. It overshadows me with darkness and despair and doesn't want to let go.

These past few weeks I have felt one part of grief especially: denial.

Last year, Alma was due on September 13 - the weekend before school started. I planned to only take two classes, and even though people cautioned me how hard it would be to take school and have a baby, deferring never felt right to me. Something kept me from dropping those classes. I figured it was Heavenly Father's way of letting me know that school is important and He would help me balance it all.

Then Alma passed away. The reason became clear why I wasn't supposed to defer - it was because I wouldn't need to try to balance a baby and school because there would be no baby. I had never been so grateful for school in my life. Someone mentioned that maybe I should defer because of what happened with Alma and that it was still possible, but instead of deferring, I registered for a full load of classes, bought all of the materials, and kept myself as busy as I could.

School saved me that semester.

It was hard going to school knowing my instructors and classmates didn't know what had happened. It was hard knowing I had just barely had a baby but he was no longer with me. It was hard when instructors would ask the class who had children and I kept my hand down because I didn't want to announce to the whole class that yes, I do have a baby, but he was stillborn. It was unbelievably hard keeping grief at bay, getting out of bed, working with Jayze's school and work schedule, going to work when I had been planning to quit, and actually having to make the decision to go to Church every single week when I didn't want to talk to anyone or see all of the babies and pregnant women there.

But I was able to get out of the house every day and keep my mind busy. It was one of my best semesters, and I still look back on it and think, again, that with God I can do hard things.

This year I'm pregnant again, but this time he is due October 2 - three weeks after school started. And because it doesn't feel right to defer this semester either, it feels like I've been having deja vu. What if it doesn't feel right to defer because the same thing is going to happen?

Before school began, I held my breath as August 29 passed by. After that day, our baby was still alive. Then I held my breath again as I hit 37 weeks, and I have been continually holding my breath ever since then.

Because for me, there is no "safe" time for this baby. We got past 37 weeks - how old Alma was when he died - but what if it happens at 38 weeks+ with Baby #2? Or 39 weeks? Or right when I'm supposed to have him at the hospital?

I go to class, and it doesn't feel like I'm pregnant. I just feel like a regular college student going to classes trying to figure out my schedule and figure out what is expected of me. I'm in denial that I am actually going to have a baby - a real, live baby. Telling my instructors and others that I'm going to have a baby soon makes it seem real, but I also don't want to commit because I don't know what's going to happen.

Grief has allowed me to put up walls - to not be excited, to fear, to doubt, to deny we're actually having another baby, to be hopeless...

Jayze and I were trying to figure out our schedules and what it's going to be like with a baby here. We realized that balancing Jayze's work and school as well as my school is going to be pretty hard. We really need to be committed and supportive of each other if it's going to work out. As we kept talking about it, Jayze finally asked me, "Why are you taking classes?"

I thought about it and said, "Because like last year it hasn't felt right to defer...so maybe because of that...I keep thinking that we're not really going to have a baby to take care of at home. We'll just have him...and then I won't have to worry about balancing school and a baby because there will be no baby. The denial has come back, Jayze."

The tears came, and I buried my face in my hands.

Jayze let me cry for a little bit, letting all of the emotions out I had been holding inside all week. Then he said, "Sarah, don't make the decision to take classes because of doubt. If you want to still take classes, take them because of faith. We need to plan as if we really are going to have a baby here with us, not as if we're going to have a baby and then not take him home with us."

Faith that we're going to take a baby home with us. Is that possible at this point?

I was getting ready for the day the other morning and was listening to different songs on Pandora. As I fixed my hair, a song by Hilary Weeks came on called, "Dancing in the Rain." As I listened to the lyrics, I realized I really needed to hear that song that morning. Ever since then, I have kept the words in my mind and have tried to keep the faith.

It clouded over on Monday morning
And I'd hoped to wake up to sunshine
Come Tuesday I think I felt it
A little raindrop on top of my head
On Wednesday no mistaken it
By Thursday no escaping it the storm had rolled in

I thought about going back to bed
Or reading the book on my night stand
I considered calling the weatherman
Just to ask when it might end

I did something you would not have thought
I grabbed my polka dot umbrella
And I opened the door...

And I danced in the rain
I let my dreams know I hadn't forgotten them
I let my heart take the lead and
I told my hopes to get themselves up again
And I danced, I looked, yes I danced in the rain

I invited my worries to step aside
I needed room to see in front of me
As the raindrops fell on my overcoat
I let em roll right off of my back

And I waited for the rainbow
Cause Heaven and me we both know
This storm's gonna pass...

And I danced in the rain
I let my dreams know I hadn't forgotten them
I let my heart take the lead and
I told my hopes to get themselves up again
And I danced, I looked, yes I danced...

I danced till my fears washed away
Then I thanked the rain for coming... today
So I could dance in the rain
And let my dreams know I hadn't forgotten them

I danced in the rain
I let my dreams know I hadn't forgotten them
I let my heart take the lead and
I told my hopes to get themselves up again
And I danced, I looked, yes I danced in the rain

I'm dancing in the rain

www.lyricsmode.com

We saw a rainbow by the temple even while it was still raining - a tender mercy.

This second baby is my rainbow baby, but sometimes rainbows come during the storm. I can be happy now and not just when he is born.

The grief won't go away. As the day for Baby #2 gets closer, the anxiety and fear will be there. Flashbacks will continue to pop up. Comments from others will always come, whether they are well-meaning or not.

But hope is still there. I can dance during the storm and grasp the opportunity to be happy now.

I'm hoping that things will go well. I'm hoping that I will have a living, breathing baby in my arms soon and that he will help fill the gigantic hole that was left in my heart and home from losing Alma.

Until then, I can keep counting his movements; keep going to class because I have faith that things will work out, not because it's a "back up"; and keep cherishing the time I have him inside of me.

Maternity Shoot

When Alma passed away, I was so grateful I took belly bump pictures because it became one more record of him to cherish. Looking at them helps me remember that I really was pregnant with him and that he is a very real part of our family.

However, even knowing how grateful I am for those belly bump pictures, it has been hard to take consistent pictures with Baby #2. Part of me has been in denial this pregnancy. I knew that I wanted to take maternity pictures once I got past 30 weeks, but I kept avoiding it. I think it's because I thought that I would jinx this baby - that if we took pictures, a couple of weeks later he wouldn't be with us anymore.

But one thing I have learned is that I can do hard things.

And one way to know that is by actually doing them. I have so many doors to open still. Doors I have intentionally kept closed because I know that facing what's behind them is going to be hard. This door, taking maternity pictures, is one I'm grateful I opened. It's just one more step towards the healing process, and it's one more step I can look back to for strength when I open another door. 

So, a great shout out to my friend, Crystal Adams for taking these beautiful pictures. She did an amazing job. Thanks, Crystal!

Some of my favorites (which are practically all of them, haha):

 

Only a few more weeks to go. Hang in there little man! Your dad and I are excited and nervous to finally meet you.