Kimball's Birth Story

Kimball McCleve Flake made his appearance at 2:54 p.m. Tuesday, May 10. He was 7 lbs. 10 oz. and 20 inches long.
 
He came out with a head chock full of dark hair just like his older brothers. His eyes are a beautiful dark blue - darker around the edges, and lighter in the middle. He has the cutest little cry and the sweetest little personality. I already love everything about him and am so grateful he's here - alive, healthy, well, and breathing. My baby boy #3.

Kimball was born exactly a week early, just like Aidan. Except this time I wasn't induced; Kimball came on his own, which actually ended up being a HUGE tender mercy. I'm not sure things would have turned out quite as well if he had come at the scheduled induction the next day.

I'll start from the beginning.

I had been having tons of Braxton Hicks for a few weeks leading up to his birth. I hated hitting 37 weeks, was anxious the whole week, and was grateful when I finally bypassed it and hit 38 weeks along. However, since I was having so many Braxton Hicks and cramps and some real contractions, I asked to be checked when I was 37 weeks along. I wasn't sure if I would be dilated at all or not, but I was definitely crossing my fingers that I would be. I was hoping that being so uncomfortable meant that my body was progressing towards having this baby. And it was! When the doctor came in and checked me, I was already 3cm dilated and 75% effaced. They scheduled me for an induction for 39 weeks, unless the baby came before then (which Jayze and I were really hoping he would.)

That whole week I continued to get more and more uncomfortable, so I was anticipating being more dilated when I was checked again at the next appointment on Tuesday when I hit 38 weeks along. The Sunday before my 38-week appointment, May 1, I thought I was going into real labor. We were at church, and my contractions were coming steady and hard every five minutes for about half an hour. By the time we got home, though, they had become really inconsistent. I called the nurse and she gave me some tips to get the contractions more consistent and time-able, but they ended up stopping altogether.

The contractions this pregnancy really threw me for a loop - they would be consistent and strong and then suddenly stop or become inconsistent again. I was hoping I would be more dilated at my next appointment, but to my disappointment, I was still at around 3-4 cm dilated and 75%. The nurse I had talked to on the phone and saw at the office at my next appointment was surprised I hadn't gone into labor over the weekend. After the doctor checked me, he told me I could go into labor at any time. He knew I was scheduled for an induction the next week, but said he would be surprised if I didn't go into labor before then. That certainly got my hopes up.

Over the weekend, Jayze and I went out for lots of walks with Aidan and ate tons of pineapple (we heard that it naturally induces labor - if you eat like 7 or 8. We were hoping it would happen if we just ate one or two, haha). I tried relaxing and taking hot showers. I vacuumed twice every day, swept and mopped, deep-cleaned both bathrooms, and took naps. It was on Sunday, May 8, when we had our first, real scare.

I was patting myself on the back for making it through the pregnancy this far and only going to urgent care once to check for the baby's heartbeat. I thought my paranoia was getting better, but Sunday, May 8 (Mother's Day), made me realize that I still had deep fears and anxieties about the end of the pregnancy and the labor and delivery. It started out routine - church, Sunday nap, and had Jayze's brother over for dinner. Everyone was super happy the whole day. After putting Aidan down for bed, we played a few games with Jayze's brother, Noah. After he left, Jayze and I settled in for a relaxing evening before we went to bed, too. When 9:00 p.m. hit, I realized that I hadn't done the official baby kick count for the day. I had felt the baby move earlier that morning and some in the afternoon, but the movement seemed less, and I hadn't felt him all evening. With a little trepidation, I laid down on the couch and started counting.

After an hour, I had less than 10 counts, and my anxiety level was almost through the roof. I told Jayze, and he tried to convince me to call the nurse. I hate calling the nurse after hours. It seems like emergencies always happen at night and on the weekends when your only choice is to go to the expensive hospital. I was trying to avoid going, because I didn't want to seem crazy or too paranoid and the scary thought kept coming to me...what if something really was wrong? Denial set in, and I couldn't bring myself to agree calling the nurse. But, in the back of my mind I kept thinking about Alma and how I would do anything to get this baby here safely. Yet, I just couldn't call the nurse - I couldn't get my emotions under control. Finally, Jayze ended up calling. After Jayze explained the situation, the nurse told us that things were probably okay, but with my past history, we should go in just to make sure. We called Jayze's brother again and asked him to come stay with Aidan while we went to the hospital. By that time it was 11:00. Thank you, Noah.

Thanks to the nurse calling ahead to let the hospital know we were coming, we didn't have to wait long to get into a room. I dressed into a hospital gown, climbed on top of the bed, and waited for the nurse to come back in so we could hear the heartbeat I was so longing to hear. She came in, put me on the NST, and there it was - my baby's heartbeat. I don't think I'll ever, ever, ever get tired of hearing my baby's heartbeat. The machine registered that I was getting some contractions, but not consistent ones. Thankfully, the baby looked good, but they were concerned about a couple of things, so they kept me there for a while and contacted the doctor. When the nurse called the doctor, he told her to check me. I was 4 cm dilated and 80% effaced. I had progressed! Jayze and I weren't sure if they were just going to induce me that night or not. We were half hoping they would and half hoping they wouldn't. We weren't prepared to be induced in the middle of the night and were so tired, but we were also anxious to get this baby here safely. We just wanted him here! In addition to the NST, they did an ultrasound. Everything looked good so they decided to let us go home since I had a doctor's appointment a couple of days from then. Talk about a roller coaster. We left with a couple of ultrasound pictures in hand, and I was hoping that wasn't the last time I got to see my baby alive.

Monday came and went, and Tuesday I had an appointment at the doctor. When I woke up, my contractions felt more painful and regular...again. I braced myself for them to stop, but they kept coming. I went in for my appointment and did the routine ultrasound. But this time, the ultrasound tech wasn't able to get everything she needed, so she sent me to do an NST. Which I am so grateful for, because I'm not sure things would have worked out the way they did without the NST. 

I got on the NST, and the baby seemed to being doing...okay. I wasn't feeling much movement from him, so the nurses kept trying to wake him up. He also wasn't getting as much variation in his heart rate as they wanted, so that was another concern. After almost an hour of being on the NST, they finally saw some improvement. However, since the baby wasn't moving around as much, it took him awhile to get variation, and I was getting steady, hard contractions, they decided to check me and see if they should send me up to the hospital to have the baby. I was scared, nervous, and excited all at once. I was scheduled to be induced the next day, but with everything going on, I wanted the baby there safely and as soon as possible. They checked me, and I was dilated to a 5 and 80% effaced. It looked like I was going to the hospital! I let Jayze know, we called his brother to come watch Aidan, and up to the hospital we went to have our baby.

We arrived at the hospital, did the necessary check-in, and walked into Labor & Delivery. Our nurse showed us to our room and then left while I got in the hospital gown and into the hospital bed. Everything seemed surreal. I was really in labor and we were really going to have the baby!

Only picture we got in the Labor & Delivery room. Since Kimball went into the NICU so soon after being born, getting pictures was the last thing on our minds.

We ended up having two nurses, and they were fantastic. They made us feel comfortable, communicated with us about everything going on, and answered all of our questions. Most importantly, I was comfortable asking them questions. Plus, everything went a lot faster. One nurse did my IV, while the other nurse took my temperature. One asked me questions while the other monitored my contractions. It was great.

It was strange not being induced. That's all I ever knew from my other labor and delivery experiences. This time I wasn't hooked up to medicine - my body was doing it all on its own. It was strange and exciting and terrifying all at once knowing that this was real. I was excited because we were going to have the baby that day, but I was terrified because this baby was having a few complications. I kept hoping and praying that he would be okay and that I would be okay.

I was so grateful to have Jayze with me the entire time. He didn't have to go to our car to grab forgotten paperwork. He didn't have to get off work or school. He didn't have to leave me at the hospital while he dropped Aidan off at a friend's house. It was so comforting to know Aidan was being looked after, my mom was on her way, and Jayze didn't have to go anywhere. Things were falling into place, and tender mercies were happening one right after the other. The Lord's hand was felt throughout the whole birthing experience, and I know things worked out exactly the way they were supposed to and according to the Lord's timing.

My doctor's appointment had been at 10:30, and we got to the hospital a little after 12:30. About half an hour after being there, the doctor walked into our room. I was so relieved to see him. When he walked in he teasingly said something along the lines of, "You're going to give me a heart attack, girl." He had been the doctor on call when we had come to the ER that Sunday and was nearly as anxious to get this baby here safely as I was.

I asked him a few questions about the baby's status, and he said they were keeping an eye on him and that things were going well so far. Before he left, he said, "Make me proud, girl." I'm still not quite sure what he meant (and neither do the nurses), but he probably said it about three more times to me and the nurses before the baby was born, haha.

A little bit later (I'm not sure what time), the doctor came back in to break my water. For some reason I was surprised  and asked him, "Are you going to break my water right now?" He kind of stopped, looked at me, and said, "Yeah...is that okay?" I told him, "Yeah, definitely, just wanted to prepare myself for it." Haha. This whole not being induced was really strange to me. It was hard to keep up with everything happening.

The doctor broke my water, and afterwards noticed a strange smell. He asked the nurses, "Does that smell funny to you?" They both smelled, nodded, and said yes. It smelled rancid, like there was bacteria. Dr. E. turned to me, said there was a possible infection, then turned to one of my nurses and and instructed her to get me on antibiotics right away.

I felt the fear take over again. What did the infection mean? Would the baby be okay? Would I be okay?

The nurse got me on antibiotics, then turned to me and let me know that when the baby was delivered, he would have to go to the NICU just in case he contracted the infection. I was so glad she told me this before the baby was born, because it would have been 10x worse if I hadn't been mentally prepared for them to take him from me after he was born. 

The contractions were coming in harder and faster, and I found it harder to keep my panic down. I didn't know if I was ready to do this. The nurse checked me, and I was already at a 7. At that point, I finally asked for an epidural. I really, really wasn't prepared to have this baby naturally, so I was hoping I would calm down once I got some pain relief. Everything was happening so fast.

I was disappointed when a different guy than the one I had with Alma and Aidan came in to do my epidural, but he was still really nice. Kind of a gruff, no-nonsense type of guy, but he seemed to know what he was doing. The epidural ended up being the easiest out of the other two I had, so I was really grateful for that. I was also determined not to be as numb as I was with Alma and Aidan, especially  with Aidan. I wanted to know where to push when the time came.

Sometime after the epidural, the nurse checked me again and said I was at an 8. Suddenly, the doctor walked in, asked me what I was at, and said that I had to be more than an 8. He checked me literally a couple of minutes after the nurse had and said, "Yep." I was complete. All of a sudden everyone started getting ready to deliver this baby. I was shocked. Wasn't I just at an 8 a few seconds ago? I wasn't even feeling an urge to push. This was going so, so fast.

I have to say, it was great having the doctor there. With Aidan, it was mostly the nurses and Jayze telling me to push, and it wasn't until the baby was coming that the doctor came in. This time, the doctor, my two nurses, and Jayze were telling me to push and encouraging me. I pushed a couple of times when the doctor stood up and said that he might have to use the vacuum to help get the baby out. He also said that if the vacuum didn't work, he would try forceps. If that didn't work, we would have to do a c-section. This was all so much for my mind to process. The doctor got ready and told me to push again. All of a sudden, the baby was coming out on his own! (Later I asked if the doctor had had to use the vacuum (things were such a blur), and the nurse said nope. Thank goodness.) I still wasn't sure where the baby was at this point. All I knew was that I felt a whole lot of pressure (the epidural definitely wasn't as strong this time) and was hoping the baby was almost out. I concentrated as hard as I could on doing what the doctor was telling me.

Suddenly, the baby's head was out, and I felt an immense relief. After another push or two, the baby was born. Jayze, with tears in his eyes, kept looking at me and nodding. Our baby was here! I still couldn't see him. I wasn't sure if they were going to take him right away to the NICU or not, but I was hoping for a glimpse of him before they did. I heard the doctor say, "K, Dad, cut the cord." I heard the scissors snap and saw a tiny glimpse of our baby as he was passed from the doctor to the nurse. At first, the baby was quiet, but then he started quietly crying. Jayze and I instantly looked at each other and smiled. The best sound ever. Our baby was alive! He was breathing!

All of a sudden, there he was in my arms. My baby. I got to see him! Words just can't describe the love I felt for him in that instant. I loved him before he was born, but the love was multiplied a hundred times over when I felt his weight in my arms and saw his eyes open. He was mine. He was okay. He was my baby. He made it.

The doctor came over to where Jayze was standing over me while I was holding the baby. He looked Jayze in the eyes, shook his hand, and said, "You are the third one [that had a stillborn before] this year that we got a baby safely here." After he said that, all three of us started crying. It was such a special, sweet moment.

Before the doctor left for the final time, he winked and pointed at me and said, "You made me proud, girl." What an awesome doctor.

The nurse asked us if we had a name officially picked out. Jayze had been sure of the name since we had arrived at the hospital, but I was a little more hesitant. We looked at each other, and in that moment I knew the name we had picked out was the one. Kimball McCleve Flake. 

I got to hold Kimball for 30 minutes before they took him to the NICU. It was really strange not having him there with me. All of a sudden, it was almost like I hadn't even had him. Jayze left to be with him, and I was alone. I became even more grateful for my nurses. They made being separated from my husband and baby bearable and kept saying I would be able to see Kimball around 5:00. A little later, my mom, sister, Jayze's brother, and Aidan came to see us. It was so good to see them.

Jayze was able to take everyone in two at a time to see Kimball. Everyone except Aidan. It was a little heart wrenching not getting to see Aidan and Kimball meet right away, but it was nice to have a little one-on-one time with each of them before they met. 

Thanks to shift change, it ended up being more around 7:30 before I got to see Kimball again. But it was nice getting me stabilized and to the Mother/Baby Unit first and then going to see him. When we arrived at the NICU, I couldn't wash my hands fast enough. I wanted to see my baby! Jayze wheeled me around the sink after we washed our hands and a few babies down, there he was.

It was the best being able to hold him again.

So in love.

Another sweet spirit made it into our family, and my heart is brimming over once again. Welcome to the fam, Mr. Kimball McCleve Flake. We're so happy and grateful you're here.

Pregnancy Update: 36 Weeks

This past week has been a little bit of an emotional roller coaster. It seems that the closer I get to having this baby, the more anxious I get. I get flashbacks of what happened with Alma. And while I love remembering Alma - the moments when I had him and got to hold him - I don't love what happened. It was so hard, and right now my due date is looming. We're so excited to have this baby, but it's taking more and more effort to be excited rather than just wanting it to be over with. I'm trying to not let fear take over and trying to envision taking another baby home, but some days are better than others. So, like my last pregnancy, I'm focusing on the good this week:

Doctors and Nurse Practioners: 
My doctors and nurse practioners are the best. When I go to doctor appointments, I feel loved and cared for. After doing the routine checkup, one of my doctors asked me how my head was. I took a deep breath while tears pooled in my eyes and answered, "Um, okay," and could only nod after that. He let me know that they are in this with me. I'm not alone. Everyone wants a good outcome - a baby in my arms I can take home with me. I am in their prayers. It was just what I needed to hear. I'm so grateful for my doctors.

Warm Weather:
With Alma and Aidan, I was in my third trimester throughout the entire summer. This time around, it's been fun to be in my third trimester with summer right around the corner. It makes me look forward to walking outside with Aidan and the new baby, as well as having precious sunlight stream through my windows.

Ultrasounds:
The other day I told the ultrasound tech, "These just kill me! They make me want to hold my baby right now!" It's been the best being able to see my baby so often. The other day he had his tiny fist clenched and close to his face, and it was just the sweetest thing.

Braxton Hicks:
Just this past week I've had lots of Braxton Hicks. They put me into major nesting mode. I told my mom, "All of a sudden, I feel like I need to make freezer meals, wash baby clothes, set up the pack 'n play, and vacuum my whole house!" In fact, I want to vacuum every single day "just in case." Yes, definitely in major nesting mode.

Which leads me right into the next point...

Prepping for the Baby:
There's something so hard about prepping for a baby after losing a baby. I hated packing all of Alma's things away. We also left the crib up for a couple of months after he was born with the glider and ottoman right by it. I would get home from school, sit in the glider while holding his blanket, and just cry. So, it really does take an act of faith preparing for the baby. There's always the "what if" in the back of my mind. But a couple of days ago I got out the baby clothes, bibs, wash cloths, tiny socks, and blankets and washed, dried, folded, and put them all away. It was a first step to preparing and has made me want to keep preparing.

p.s. Those baby clothes are tiny! I can't believe Aidan was that small!

Sleep:
I'm so grateful Aidan sleeps through the night, because I'm already up every 3-4 hours going to the bathroom and waking up from crazy dreams. I'm trying to take advantage of the sleep I get now, but also mentally prepare for not getting sleep when the baby gets here.

P90X Stretch:
Who knew pregnant people could do P90X? :) Yesterday, Jayze and I decided to exercise during Aidan's naptime. We popped in P90X Stretch, and it felt wonderful! Even though I wasn't able to do some of the stretches, I was able to do a majority of them. It was just what my body and mind needed.

Prayers and Scriptures:
As I've really tried to pray and study my scriptures daily, I have felt an abiding peace. The Lord is with me. No matter what happens, He won't let me down. He has never let me down. He is with me every step of the way, and I am so grateful for Him. Whenever I'm struggling, it seems like the scriptures I read that day were written just for me. And they were! Whenever I get down on my knees and pour out my heart, I feel my Savior's love. I'm so, so grateful for prayers and scriptures.

This is an exciting time. I'm excited to see Aidan be an older brother, excited to smell that glorious newborn smell, excited to change millions of diapers a day, and excited to be a mom all over again.

I'm trying to be aware of the small and simple things in my life - baby kicks, milestones Aidan reaches, Jayze getting to be home more now that he's graduated, time with friends, sweet and tender mercies...these moments are small but make up to become big, beautiful things in my life. And what a beautiful life it is.

Pregnancy Update: 30 weeks

Today I am 30 weeks along! This pregnancy is really flying by, which I am both happy and nervous about. As I get farther along, I long for Alma more. I long to feel him in my arms again. I long for that perfect labor and delivery and feeling his spirit close by.

I also ache more.

I ache for the moments I'll never get in this life. Ache for the moments I never got to see him alive. Ache for the moments I don't get to see him interact with, play with, and love on Aidan.

My anxiety for this baby to be born has gone up, although I've tried not to let it get the best of me. I get so excited about having another baby and the thought of seeing Aidan with his little brother, and then I get...scared.

Scared that I'll have to bury this child, too. Scared Aidan will be left with two brothers in heaven. Scared I'll have to go through the same trial again.

Aidan loves babies, and it breaks my heart to think of the possibility of not seeing him love our baby - his baby brother.

As I'm progressing farther, I'm reminded over and over again that there is no safe zone for me. No safe zone in this pregnancy. It could happen at anytime and anywhere. It could happen in the middle of the night when I'm sleeping and not counting the baby's movements.

I've been pushing these feelings down, trying to feel like a normal pregnant person - full of hope, only worrying about the aches and pains and no sleep and weird food cravings. But my innocence is gone. I don't get that first-time pregnancy joy again...I've lost it. I've lost my baby before, and it's hard to find that beautiful joy other women who haven't lost a baby have of knowing all the pregnancy hardships will be worth it once my baby is in my arms. I don't know if I'll get that.

As I've thought about and pondered all these thoughts (and more) this past week, I was reminded of a quote from President Thomas S. Monson's most recent general conference talk, "Be an Example and a Light.":

"Remember that faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other. I reiterate what we have been told repeatedly—that in order to gain and to keep the faith we need, it is essential that we read and study and ponder the scriptures. Communication with our Heavenly Father through prayer is vital. We cannot afford to neglect these things, for the adversary and his hosts are relentlessly seeking for a chink in our armor, a lapse in our faithfulness. Said the Lord, 'Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.'"

Satan works hard on all of us, especially when we're trying to be righteous and good. He tries to overshadow me with doubt, and sometimes he wins because I let him. I let doubt dispel my faith and listen to all of the things Satan tells me that can go wrong in this pregnancy, or with life in general.

But I'm learning more and more that it's MY choice. I choose to let Satan in or not. I choose to have faith or doubt. And the more I have faith and act on my faith by reading, studying, and pondering the scriptures and praying to my Heavenly Father, the more peace, joy, and love I'll feel. Strength will fill my soul, and I will claim the promise that "all things shall work together for [my] good."

Things will work out. If I don't get this baby now, I pray I can be worthy to be with him and Alma in heaven. BUT, I am hoping with all my heart and trying to have faith that I'll get this baby here.

I'm hoping I'll get to bring him home and learn about him and snuggle him.

Figure out how to take care of a baby and a toddler on so little sleep.

Figure out how to grocery shop with two children.

Be amazed that my love has multiplied yet again for another child.

I am a mother - it is my greatest calling. I love being a mother. It is the best hard I have ever done. My testimony of motherhood has grown so much, of family, and of marriage. That's what this life is about, and I'm grateful to be part of it.

So, without further ado, here is my pregnancy update:

Cravings: I've become a pickier eater. Definitely. I only want cereal, toast, yogurt, fruit, breads, smoothies, sweet treats (mostly baked goods and chocolate) - pretty much breakfast and easy foods. Probably why I have been feeling tired. I need to vamp up my diet!

Aversions: Spaghetti (unless it's with meatballs...like I said, I have turned into a picky eater). Beans, enchiladas, pizza (except homemade), stir fry, soup. Surprisingly, Mexican food. But, once I start eating something, then I enjoy eating it. It's weird.

Movement: LOVE feeling this baby move. It's still at the point where it doesn't hurt. This baby is a mover, too, which is the best ever.

Heartburn? If I don't eat frequently enough, in comes the burn. However, it generally goes away when I eat cereal with milk.

Sleep: Because of vivid dreams, I don't sleep very well. I've woken up in a cold sweat a few times. It's nice I can take a nap during Aidan's nap time if I need to.  

Best moment this week: Getting to hear the baby's heartbeat. I had to take the gestational diabetes test (yucky drink, but I passed!), and his heartbeat was beating like crazy. It was so fun to hear it and know he's doing well.
 
It was also awesome hitting 30 weeks. Just 10 more weeks to go!

A Trigger

I woke up this morning to snow, snow, snow. Lots of fresh, beautiful, glittery, cold snow. Snow that Aidan wanted to touch, and when he looked up as I held him, he laughed at all the fat snowflakes falling on his face.

We actually braved the snow today because I had another pregnancy appointment. I'm always nervous for when they come up and part of me wants to avoid them, but at the same time I was excited to see the baby on the ultrasound screen. It's also good to have reassurance that everything is going well. And if not, then I know I'm in good hands with whatever happens.

Thankfully I was able to line up a babysitter (thank you my sweet visiting teacher!). Aidan just cries and screams if I bring him with me, so it was nice leaving him with my friend and her son, where he would most likely be happier. Aidan caught sight of the toys and didn't look back. Glad he's okay I made him stay in my arms long enough for a kiss and a hug before I left. I have to take advantage of it while I can.

At the beginning of the appointment, the wait time wasn't bad. Within five minutes, I was with the ultrasound tech looking at my cute baby boy. After taking down all the stats, the ultrasound tech printed off a profile picture for me and sent me back to the waiting room to uh...wait some more. Again, within five minutes, I was called back, did the routine weight check and whatnot, and was led back to a room to wait for the nurse practitioner.

As I followed the clinician aide, we walked down a hallway I wasn't familiar with. I told her, "I don't think I've been in this room before."

She glanced back and said, "Yeah, a lot of women get concerned because it says 'Procedure' on the outside, but we don't always use it for procedures."

I was a little curious, but once she led me into the room I realized that I had been there before. And I wanted to back right out again.

The clinician aide said a few more things and then walked out, leaving me to sit down on the little bed and experience a flashback from a little over two years ago. It was the same room Jayze and I were led to after we found out Alma had died. I hadn't been in it since that day, and I didn't want to be in it today.

Memories came flooding back. Memories I wasn't prepared to remember in that moment. Blurs and mumbles and instructions coming from the doctor and nurse practitioner, being handed tissues, holding Jayze's hand, calling family and work to let them know what happened, trying to grasp onto this new reality, realizing the baby wasn't going to move again...

I remembered last year when I was pregnant with Aidan having a trigger at the clinic and how the nurse practitioner came back in sooner than expected. I didn't want the same thing to happen. I wanted to be strong. I didn't want to explain why I was having a breakdown at 11:00 in the morning. But then I thought, "I don't have to be strong all the time." And I cried.

This time, the waiting period was longer and I took my time trying to gain control of my emotions again. Trying to distract myself by looking out the window at the long, thick icicles hanging outside. I didn't want to be there anymore...it reminded me too much of that day, of the hospital, of details I hadn't let myself think about for awhile.

I hugged myself, trying to get some warmth back into myself - loosen up the tight feeling I had in my chest. It was then, in that moment, I was reminded that I can do hard things. I have done hard things in the past, I do hard things now, and I can do hard things in the future.

Sometimes it seems like progress just isn't happening. Day-to-day happenings aren't always spectacular. Sometimes it seems like I'm just waiting for another day to be over so that hopefully the next one will be better. And life is like that at times, which is okay. But what's empowering is actually looking back. The small stuff that doesn't seem like much really does add up. Looking back, I've come so far. Through all the times I didn't think I would get through, I'm still here. Me, a stronger me, hopefully a better me.

There are still hard days, grieving days. Hard moments, grieving moments. And that's okay. Even though the memories that came flooding back today were hard, they were also special and sacred because they are of my Alma and the events leading up to meeting him and knowing I'm his mom forever and always. What an honor.

I'm also grateful I don't have to do hard things alone. The Savior has never left me alone in this trial. I may have pushed him away a few times, but every time I come back, He's there to welcome me with open arms. The love I have felt from Him is overwhelming and sustaining. He has walked with me every step of the way. Looking back, I can see His hand leading me and guiding me in moments I may not have noticed him there. But He was! And He is there for each of us as long as we are willing to reach out and grasp His always outstretched hand. How thankful I am for that.  

Pregnancy Update

The baby bump is finally popping out! I've only taken two pregnancy pictures so far because I haven't seemed to grow as much or as fast as I thought I would with this third baby. Just counting my blessings I still fit in my jeans. Maternity clothes are expensive.

At the beginning of the pregnancy, I felt sick, but way better than with the last two babies. Because it was different, I thought for sure we were having a little girl this time. Nope! Baby BOY number three is well on his way, and Jayze and I couldn't be happier we're having another boy.

One of the many perks of experiencing pregnancy before is recognizing the baby's movement. I've been able to feel him since about 13 weeks, which is such a tender mercy. This little guy wiggles around quite a bit, and I love it.

Update:
How far along: 23 weeks today. (!) It's going by so fast.
Total weight gain: 6 lbs.
Maternity clothes: Still in my regular clothes. It's nice being a stay-at-home mom this time around because I can hang out in my sweats most of the time. The winter, snowy weather makes me want to stay inside anyway. Thanks, Rexburg. :)
Miss anything? Working out hardcore. Although I did get a maternity workout video this week, and it has already helped out a lot with all the aches and pains.
Best moment of the week: On Jan. 7, we went in for the 20-week appointment. I love getting ultrasounds because I get to see the baby, and so that was the best. He's a mover and so cute. The ultrasound tech got him with his hands by his head and printed it out for us. This week, the best moment was Jayze helping me out with dinner on Friday. I still get tired more easily, and it was awesome having help.
Food cravings: Oatmeal with bananas and cinnamon. Berry smoothies. Brownies. Toast with peanut butter and berry jam and a glass of milk. I have a HUGE appetite this time around. I pretty much have a second dinner every night, so thankfully I have mostly healthy cravings. Thanks, baby.
Anything make you queasy or sick? Spaghetti. Or just pasta in general lately. Weird, because I normally love pasta.
Happy or moody most of the time: So happy! I have a lot of peace with this pregnancy. There have definitely been ups and downs, but I really am so excited to have another baby in our home (fingers crossed and knees bent!)
Looking forward to: Not having varicose veins anymore. They are kind of the worst.
 
Ever since we found out we were pregnant, there's been a mix of emotions. BUT, the good news is we are pregnant! And this baby moves and I can actually envision having another baby in our home, which was so hard to do when I was pregnant with Aidan. I feel like I have healed so much. There are still hard times - up and down days, but for the most part it's been good. At the beginning, I just gave it all to Heavenly Father. He gave us this baby, and so I'm giving our baby back to Him in a sense. I'm just praying to be okay with whatever happens. So for now, I'm just going to try to be as excited as I can.

Catching Up

It's been a while since I've written, so I decided to do a "catch-up" post. Our lives have been slow, crazy, and everything in between, and it's fun to catch up on some of the highlights that have happened lately.

Thanksgiving: 

This was the only picture I captured of our 2015 Thanksgiving. Although I was bummed I didn't make time to take a family picture, it was nice not worrying about being behind a camera. Besides, how more appropriate can you get than a pie picture for Thanksgiving? :)

Jayze loves pie, so it's our tradition to make at least four different kinds every year: mixed berry, apple, pumpkin, and french silk. So yummy. I think I gained 20 more pounds from pie alone (hopefully an exaggeration).

This year I was thankful for so many things: a roof over my head, Jayze's great job, my two boys, yummy food, and all of our good health. But my thoughts kept turning to my Savior Jesus Christ and how grateful I am for Him. He has provided many tender mercies for our family and for me, and my heart was full. 

For some reason I was a little homesick this year, so it was nice spending Thanksgiving with one of the couples in our ward. We're both in similar situations: college, jobs, toddlers...and it was fun playing games, talking, watching our kids play, and eating, eating, eating.

Family Pictures:

We hadn't had family pictures taken for a few months and realized the fall season was a beautiful time to take them. Unfortunately fall came and went much faster than I wanted it to, but I finally reached out to our friend and she was able to take our pictures. Despite the lack of colorful leaves, the pictures turned out beautiful.

It was hard getting Aidan to smile because he loves looking on the other side of the camera. But I was glad our photographer was able to capture a few shots that definitely depict his personality. He is such a handsome little man, and I love him so much. It's bittersweet to watch him grow up and reach more and more milestones. I'm loving the walking stage and how he can understand more of what we say to him. He is such a sweet boy.

Thanks for capturing our family, Crystal!

Pregnancy:

This section deserves a post all on its own, but I'll write more details about it later. Because of blood tests, we found out we're having another baby boy around 11 weeks along. So many boys! Jayze and I are so funny - we both thought AGAIN that we were having a baby girl. Nope! We are excited for another brother to join our family, though. This pregnancy has already had its ups and downs in so many ways - some physical, but mostly emotional. I'm just trying to work through all the emotional and physical challenges that come with pregnancy after loss and trying to keep up the faith. Prayers are much appreciated! :) All that said, I feel immensely blessed to be pregnant again no matter what happens.

Aidan just wanted to walk and walk and walk!

Looking forward to Christmas that's just around the corner! Right now we're snow globe living, but crossing our fingers for good travel weather.