It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas

Although there is no snow in sight (which I'm actually okay about, thanks to Rexburg), Christmas is coming!

• Both Christmas trees are set up. We have a mini one from our very first Christmas together, and a hand-me-down, pretend-6-foot tree that sheds. Hey, it works! :)

• We actually have a star on top of our bigger tree this year! With all of the moving, I couldn't find the ribbon I usually tie into a bow, so we finally replaced it with a glittering, white star. 

• We decorated in bunches this year. Jayze assembled the tree and wrapped the lights around the branches. Then he hung a batch of ornaments. I was going to call it good, but the tree looked so sad with just a few ornaments on it. So, during nap time, I broke out the rest of the ornaments and hung them up. When Aidan woke up, he helped me hang the last few by telling me which branches to put them on. Now we have one branch with two ornaments on it. :) 

• Added another red stocking to our collection for Kimball. 

• Watched the First Presidency's Christmas Devotional. 

• Trying out the "count down to Christmas" paper chain link. According to our chain, we still have 21 days until Christmas! Haha, I think if Aidan was more into it, we'd be more on top of ripping a link off each night. 

• We have peppermint or cinnamon hot chocolate or apple cider almost every night.

• Started a new family tradition. We read a story about a humble shepherd who encounters Jesus on Christmas day. It was a beautiful way to teach our children about our Savior. 

• We've watched more Christmas movies this year! Last year I think we watched two. We still haven't gotten around to one of our favorites, "White Christmas," yet, so that will have to go on the list. Aidan was absolutely enthralled with "The Polar Express," though.

• Mailed our Christmas cards. Whew. Those always take longer than I anticipate, but they were still a lot of fun to put together. 

• Have most of our Christmas shopping done. Now I just need to send a batch of gifts via the post office (wish me luck, this is my first year doing it!) and snag a few more presents, and we'll be ready!

There are still a few things on our Christmas "bucket list," but I've already felt giddy with excitement from all of the different festivities inside and outside our home.

We've also really enjoyed participating in the Light the World campaign. I feel like it has really focused my attention on the Savior this year instead of all the commercialism. I am so grateful for Jesus Christ...He is the reason for the season.

My Alma Wreath

The day after we found out Alma passed away, we had many heartbreaking and surreal decisions to make. One of them was where to bury our baby.

My first instinct was to bury him in Idaho. It was where Jayze and I lived and had already made so many special memories, we could visit him anytime we wanted, and, frankly, it was the most convenient. Plus, I honestly didn't even think it was possible to have him buried anywhere else because I didn't think we had the resources to make all of the arrangements for that.

However, after talking to our families, we found out that it was possible to bury him somewhere other than Idaho. Although, upfront, it would be less convenient and more heart-wrenching, we knew that burying him in Arizona was where he was supposed to be. In our heart of hearts, we knew that Rexburg was temporary, whereas Arizona was more permanent. Both sets of our parents live in the same town, so it was more likely we would have more opportunities to visit our baby boy once we no longer lived in Rexburg.

I wasn't sure how it was all going to work out, but through many earthly (and, I'm sure, heavenly) angels and tender mercies, it all did. All the nitty, gritty details worked out, as well as bigger issues. We were so blessed and grateful and knew we weren't alone.

Now, three years and a half years later, I'm glad that Alma is buried in Snowflake. I wish I was able to visit him anytime. It's hard not taking Aidan and Kimball on a regular basis to go see him, too, but I'm grateful he has loved ones nearby who can and do visit him and leave flowers and decorations.

My mom and Jayze's mom send me pictures from time to time of Alma's graveside. It's usually decked out in the decor of the season: spring flowers, fall leaves, snowmen figurines, summer daisies, and a "Happy Birthday" sign in August. Seeing the pictures always make me tear up and wish we lived closer. But I'm grateful others are there to give him love when I can't be there in person.

When Alma was first buried there, I remember before Jayze and I left for the Phoenix Airport to go back to Rexburg, I wanted to see him one more time. So we drove to the cemetery and, hand-in-hand, walked to where he was buried. The fresh mound of dirt was the only thing marking our baby's burial place. It was then that I realized I didn't have anything for him. No headstone, no flowers, nothing. My arms and hands felt even emptier. I had to leave some token of love for my sweet baby boy before flying miles away from him. I knelt down on the soft mound and with my finger I drew, "We love you," with a heart. It was still more difficult than I can express to walk away, but leaving something there helped.

A few days later, my parents texted and asked if they could put a small, homemade metal plate to mark Alma's graveside. That was the beginning of the outpouring of love Alma would receive on his grave.

I'm grateful for my mom and Jayze's mom who, after the first set of decorations had been up for awhile, offered to put them in a box and save them for us. When I first saw and held the decorations, I couldn't help but get teary-eyed at all the love and support. We really weren't alone, and Alma wasn't forgotten. We toted the box back with us to Rexburg and put it with Alma's other things. I knew I wanted to keep the small treasures, but I didn't want them to just sit in a box in storage. In essence, I wasn't sure what to do with them.

When we finally made it to Kansas and things settled down a little bit, I started making our little apartment into a home. We found some couches and a coffee table, Jayze assembled our black bookshelves, I arranged and re-arranged bookshelf decorations, and we worked together to fit Aidan's toddler bed and Kimball's crib in the kid's bedroom. I hung up some pictures, and organized our closets (still in the process, haha).

One day as I was organizing our front closet, I found the box full of Alma's graveside decorations again. I stopped for a minute to look through them. As I touched the leaves and flowers and picked up the figurines, the thought came to me, "Why not make a wreath?"

Background: I've wanted to make a wreath ever since Jayze and I got married and just never got around to it. I love wreaths and other door decorations because it's kind of like a, "Welcome to my home!" before stepping inside. Well, this was my perfect excuse to buy a lovely grapevine wreath (they smell sooo good) and break out the glue gun.

Once the kids went down for a nap, I pulled up Pinterest for inspiration and went to work designing my own, custom wreath. I have to admit, it was hard pulling the leaves and flowers off. I didn't want to ruin them! I prayed and crossed my fingers everything would work out.

And it did! I tied a piece of twine in a loop in the back and hung up my new wreath on my front door. I love how it turned out. It feels wonderful and makes me happy to see another touch of Alma in our home.

During the past three and a half years, I've thought many times how such a small person with such a short life could make such an impact on others...and on me. I've thought of how Alma's life has helped me pause and reflect on the sacred moments life gives us every single day. How his life has caused me to be more service-oriented and caring towards others. How his life has shown me the good in others and how willing people are to give of their time, talents, and love. How his life has taught me to love being a mother and to not take it for granted. How his life has increased my love for his siblings. It's been humbling, to say the least.

Tomorrow will be the third Thanksgiving without him. Lately, seeing Aidan play and interact more with Kimball has made me ponder what it would be like to have Alma here. I wonder what it would be like to see three of my children physically play together. I wonder what it would be like to convince two toddlers to go to bed and hear them giggle together. I wonder what it would be like to see my two older boys fawn over their baby brother.

I think that all of the wondering has brought some sadness, but it's also filled me with gratitude. I'm so grateful I've been able to have more children. And not just more children, but children HERE. Here to raise and love on. Here to teach and discipline. Here to pray, cuddle, and play with. Here to practice motherhood on.

I'm so grateful to be a mom to THREE wonderful, sweet, happy boys. I'm grateful for my marriage with Jayze. I'm grateful for the glimpses I get of Alma when they do come. I'm grateful for God's love for me. And I'm grateful that this life isn't the end.

"Regardless of our circumstances, each of us has much for which to be grateful if we will but pause and contemplate our blessings."

~ Thomas S. Monson ~ 

Aidan Funnies

Okay, I started writing this post a couple of months ago. So some of these are outdated, but I kept them here because I don't want to forget them!

Wrote these while we were living in the hotel:

Words (my favorites - he obviously says a lot more than what's listed here):

• Bimball = Kimball
• Uck = truck and stuck
• Juice = juice and shoes
• Eba = Zebra
• Ippo = Hippo
• Eeow = Cat
• Rawr = lion, bear, tiger
• Byyy Byyyy Byyyy = I want to sit by you
• Wuv ooo = Love you
• Ahma = Alma
• Hyperventilating = monkey
• Biiiiiiite = I want more food
• Baby = baby or movie
• Coookiiiieeeee! = cookie

Aidan, holding a fistful of spinach, asks me: "Biiiittte?" Meaning, do I want his spinach?
Me: "No, I already have spinach. That's yours. Are you going to eat it?"
Aidan looks at me, then looks down, then looks back at me and moves his hand towards the garbage and says, "Traaaash."


While watching Planes and eating dinner, I noticed Aidan dipping his pizza in the smoothie. I thought it was cute and funny and wanted to capture it. I tried to get his attention and kept asking him to look at me and smile when he finally turned to me, put his finger to his mouth, and said, "Shhhh....." I guess I had it coming for how much I tell him to shush because the baby's asleep.


I'm feeding Kimball and Aidan wanted his jacket off. He started to unzip it but didn't unzip it all the way. He got frustrated, so I helped him unzip it all the way. Then he got frustrated that it was unzipped all the way and wanted it zipped again. I offered to help, but then he didn't want it zipped. So he tried taking off his jacket, but his arms got stuck and he got frustrated and desperately said, "Uck! Uuuuuuck!!!" So I helped him take it off, and then he got frustrated that it was off. So I started to put it back on him and he didn't want it. I finally put it on the couch and he was finally satisfied. Whew.


Aidan was smiling and hanging out with Kimball after Kimball woke up. I had unswaddled Kimball and left him in the bassinet while I went to the kitchen to make a bottle for him. When I came back to get Kimball, I saw Aidan trying to give Kimball the piece of apple Aidan had been eating. So cute.


Me to Aidan: "Do you want to eat breakfast?"
A: "No."
Me: "Are you hungry?"
A: "No."
Me, holding up a box of cheerios: "Do you want some cereal?"
A, gets an excited look on his face: "Cereal!" and comes happily running to his high chair.


Me to Aidan: "Do you want to eat lunch?"
A: "No."
Me: "Are you hungry?"
A: "No."
Me: "Come on, let's eat."
A: "No."
Me: "Well, I'm going to put you down for a nap. Do you want to eat before you go down for a nap?"
A, running to his high chair: "Eeeeeeee!!!" (eat) - he'll do anything to stall sleeping lately


Written more recently:

Whenever we pray before bed, Aidan has to make sure all of his trucks are put down in one spot. Sometimes we'll be waiting a couple of minutes before he's all done.


The other day I was trying to juggle a lot of things at once. Kimball was crying, and I needed an extra hand. So I asked Aidan, "Hon, can you give Kimball your giraffe to play with? He's so sad." Aidan picked up his stuffed giraffe, threw it at Kimball, and hurriedly backed away.


Me: "Oh, shoot!"
Aidan: "Ah, shooot!"

Me: "Dangit!"
Aidan: "Dangit!"

Me: "Criminey!"
Aidan: "Imney!"


Me: "Guess what, Aidan? Kimball's awake! I need to go make his bottle real fast, can you go say hi to him?"
While I'm in the kitchen making the bottle, I hear Aidan open my bedroom door where Kimball is, excitedly run in and say, "Hi!"


Me: "We'll eat dinner as soon as Daddy comes home."
Jayze walks in and says, "Hi!"
Aidan jumps off the couch, runs to his chair, and yells, "Eeeeeeaaaatttt!"

Aidan: "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom."
Me: "Aidan, Aidan, Aidan, Aidan, Aidan."


Pointing to Jayze, Aidan says, "Daddy!"
Pointing to me, A says, "Mom." (he never calls me mommy, just mom haha)
Pointing to himself, "Adinnn."
Pointing to the bedroom where Kimball's sleeping and resting his hand on his cheek, "Kmbllll, sleeping."
Pointing to Kimball, "Kmbllllll."
We're still working on him figuring out where Alma is. :) But the other day he saw a church and said, "Temple. Ahlma. Jesus," so we're getting there.


I love my two-year old. Life with him seems to get better and better as he keeps growing up.

Puddle jumping

6 months

Kimball turned 6 months old exactly six days ago (Nov. 10). Here are some tidbits about him that I don't want to forget.

Sleeping:
He's pretty good about taking naps. If he wakes up in the middle of a nap, he's not very good at putting himself back asleep.

Most of the time, he is really good at sleeping through the night. There are just a few exceptions (aka Daylight Savings). He'll wake up anywhere between 4-5 and want to eat. I'll feed him, hold him for a few more minutes, and then he'll sleep for a couple more hours.

Still working on getting Aidan and Kimball on the same bedtime schedule so that they can go to sleep at the same time in the same room. It's amazing when it works.

One of the few times he's slept in his crib. He rolls over easier in his crib, which means he just cries and cries because he can't roll himself back over. He's good being in his crib once he's asleep, but has a hard time falling asleep in the crib. 

Which is why he's back to sleeping in the bassinet. :)

Eating:
Still consistently eats 6oz every 3.5-4 hours. His first solid food was rice cereal and his second was green beans. He's a fan of both, especially the green beans, which really surprised me.

Clothes:
Now wearing 6-9 month clothes and still in 9 month pajamas. Barely.

Chunker:
I've heard so many times that he is a big kid. And he is! We love him so much! He has cute, cute thunder thighs and roly-poly arms. He's getting harder to carry for long intervals, which makes me sad because I love carrying him. He has cheeks, but a narrower face than Aidan.

I was telling Jayze just last night that it's almost weird that Kimball is such a solid baby because his personality seems the opposite. Kimball is a chill, laid back baby. He's not screaming for food every two hours, but he seems to get enough food when he does eat and is content. Maybe we're raising a linebacker.

Textures:
Kimball is my texture baby. He loves playing with boxes, baskets, strings on pillows and jackets, the wipes package, plastic links, blankets, bibs, and stuffed animals. He also loves chewing on any and all of those things.

Chompers:
He is sporting three teeth with at least another one on its way. He has two on the bottom and one on the top. He looks like an adorable little jack-o-lantern. Right now his cheeks are rosy red and warm and his gums are swollen. Poor baby. We're hoping those other teeth cut through soon.

Personality:
Kimball is such a sweet, happy baby. We don't even have to do anything to make him smile, and he still smiles. He loves watching Dad, Mom, and Aidan, especially Aidan. I can't wait until he can really play cars and trucks and kick around a soccer ball with Aidan.

Already wanting to drive.

Right now he loves to:

• Grab and eat his toes
• Fold himself in half
• Roll over onto his tummy
• Sit on Mommy's lap
• Touch Aidan's hair and head when Aidan actually gets in close range of him
• Be tickled
• Play peek-a-boo
• Socialize
• Stand on Mommy's lap
• Be held
• Chase Aidan while bouncing on Mommy's hip

Hates:

• Being left on his tummy (still hasn't figured out how to roll onto his back)
• Sitting in his bouncer for too long
• Watching Mommy work out
• Getting too tired
• Sleeping in a non-moving car seat
• Shopping too long at the grocery store
• ...that's pretty much it

I can't believe Kimball is already 6 months old. Where is the time going? I'm excited for all the milestones he still has yet to reach, but I just want him to be my baby a little bit longer. Sigh. 

He has brought so much joy and love to our home and family, and I am so grateful he's here. 

Yesterday

After a series of not-so-good days, yesterday was a perfect day (according to the life of Sarah Flake).

I got to lay in bed for a few precious minutes before taking on the day in my mommy-wife-personal responsibilities. It was glorious.

After not taking a shower for way too many days, I fit in two, separate showers.

Kimball went four hours in-between feedings and took long, regular naps. 

It was the first time bathing Kimball in the kitchen sink without the little bathtub, and it was a success!

The kids and I got in some good playing time, especially Aidan and me. "Mom, play?"

I rocked my exercise, even though I was not feeling it. Some days are just like that. 

I studied my scriptures and even had time to read a regular book, too.

Both kids went down for a nap at the same time, albeit in separate rooms.  

I took both of the kids outside. We took out the trash, paid rent, checked the mail, then had a fun few minutes playing on the grass.  

I had the energy to whip up two beautiful, homemade pizzas. Having an oven has really made baking fun again. 

Aidan scarfed down the beautiful, veggie-loaded pizza. Winner dinner.

Even though Jayze had a spontaneous work dinner, the evening was still fun and relaxing with just me and the kids. 

Aidan let me sing two verses of our bedtime song while rocking him. Afterwards, we laughed at Kimball eating his toes and kicking his legs in the bouncer.  

Both of the kids went to bed in the same room at the same time. (YES!)

I got some veg time in before Jayze came home. Then he helped me with the dishes while we talked about our day. Then we snuggled in bed while still talking about our day. 

It was the most wonderful evening. 

Good days like yesterday make the not-so-good days worth it. I'm grateful for both so I can notice the difference. 

Happy November!

Halloween 2016

This year we decided to dress up as zoo animals. We already had a bear outfit for Kimball - I think it came in one of the big bags of boy clothes I bought when I was pregnant with Aidan - so we planned our other costumes around his.

Jayze was an elephant, I was a zebra, and Aidan was a tiger. Obviously, we had to get a little creative with the elephant ears and nose and tiger ears. All credit goes to Jayze.

Aidan wasn't much of a fan of the face paint; he kept rubbing his nose, so by the time I took pictures, most of it had rubbed off. He also wasn't really a fan of the tiger ears. I tried not to call too much attention to them, because if I ignored them, he did too. It was only when I bent down to adjust them, he pulled them off. All night long, Jayze and I kept asking him what sound a tiger makes, and all night long he said, "Roar! Roar!" Until someone else asked him, then it was more of a mouthed, "Roar!"

Our ward celebrated Halloween early and hosted a chili cook-off and trunk or treat. It was Aidan's first trunk or treat. We didn't go trick or treating or trunk or treating last year because it's always soooo cold in Rexburg around Halloween and Aidan was only a little over a year old anyway. So this year I was excited to walk him around to each car and teach him how to say, "Trick or treat!" and put candy in his pillowcase (didn't you ever use pillowcases as candy buckets when you were little?). :) I don't think he really knew what was going on. He's really shy, so he mostly just mouthed, "Trick or treat," and "Thank you," but I think he liked it anyway.

One of the ward members was holding his son's toy light saber. Since Aidan couldn't stop staring at it, the ward member let Aidan play with it. Aidan was fascinated by it! He couldn't stop pushing the button that lit it up and made the light saber noise. I think that might just go on his Christmas wish list...

That night Jayze and I read "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow," out loud after we put the kids to bed. It was both of our first time reading the actual story. It was so fun, and I think it might become a Halloween tradition.

Tonight for FHE we're going to crack open the mummy pinata my mom sent, play the Halloween Memory Game my mom made, and eat some chocolate. Thanks, Mom, for helping make our Halloween more fun!

Happy Halloween from the Flake Family!

Checking In

As much as I'd love to say that everything went perfectly with my goals last week, that's just not the case. However, I did make a lot of improvement, and I'll just hang on tightly to that.

Get up at six: In my last post, I wrote a few goals I wanted to work on for a week. I'm happy to say that I got up at six o'clock most days. On the days I couldn't exercise right at six because I was feeding Kimball or because Aidan woke up earlier than usual, I still tried to get my scripture study in or the dishes done while Jayze exercised. Like I said, it wasn't perfect, but I feel good about the progress.

Pray: Praying and relying on God more really made all the difference in my daily schedule. Although, I think Satan took it as a personal challenge to deter me in any way possible, which was hard. But God provided miracles, tender mercies, strength, and peace, and for that I'm grateful.

Journal: One night I turned to Jayze and showed him the dates on my journal. I told him, "I love it when it's like this," and proceeded to show him that even though I missed a couple of days, I had written almost every night. There's something special about preserving your own life. It helps me to go back and read and see that yes, I did learn and grow when I thought I hadn't.

Outside: On Sunday, Jayze had a church meeting in the evening, so it was just me and the kids. Aidan was dying to go outside, and to be honest, I was too. There's something so magical and serene about the evening air. The sun was just about to go down, but still warm on my face. It smelled like fall. The grass was turning poky, but still soft beneath our bare feet. Aidan could hardly contain his happiness as I chased him around the grass outside; Kimball giggling as he bounced on my hip. At one point, Aidan took my hand and steered me across the parking lot to where more grass and trees were. It was a joyful moment, and I'm glad we took advantage of the beautiful evening.

Less time on phone: This was a struggle for me, especially on the days Aidan didn't take a nap and I really needed a break to retain my sanity. I'd set up a little video for Aidan and then check my email, catch up on text messages, and check in with Facebook and Instagram. I feel like those things are fine, but not at my child's expense. I'm planning to come up with other activities this week to help both Aidan and me with the daily boredom that comes from not having a car every day. Any fun, indoor or outdoor activity ideas are welcome!

Smile more: As I made a conscious effort to not take things too seriously, my mom-load lightened. When Aidan wouldn't listen or get into things he knew he wasn't supposed to, I'd take a deep breath and try to find the humor in it all, or at least be as patient as I could (again, not perfect). The other day I came back from the bathroom to find Aidan in Kimball's room, with his sunglasses on, sucking on Kimball's pacifier, and going through my jewelry box. I really wish I had had my camera, but that moment will forever be filed away because it was so funny.

Look for the good: There was so much good this week. There were also hard and stressful times, but really, it was mostly good. I think Satan is a big mean-o and when he gets me to look at the bad, that's all I see. But when I look at the good, it's really not as bad I think. Things worked out, some nights my belly was sore from laughing so hard, and the perfectionist in me shrugged off the non-essential things like leaving a couple of dishes in the sink or the clothes in the dryer until the next day.

All in all, this was such a good exercise for me. On hard days, I found myself led again to my posted goals and became motivated to accomplish them. I believe it is empowering to write down goals and dreams, and I plan to do it more in the future.

In other news, Kimball rolled over for the first time yesterday! I jumped for joy and whooped and cheered, and Aidan got in on all the excitement too. Way to go K-man.

Right after rolling over for the first time.

New Goals

Lately, my thoughts have been scattered, and it has been hard to put my feelings into words. I think that writer's block is a real thing, and I'm trying to take Stephen King's advice of, "You must not come lightly to a blank page" (On Writing).

It seems that the past few weeks - probably ever since we moved to Kansas - I've had up and down days. One day I'll be super motivated and get so many things done. I'll happily check things off my to-do list and feel proud of what I accomplished that day. Then the next day I'm in a slump. The crushing, overwhelming realization of all I still need to do hits me. The motivation I had the previous day leaves, and I end up feeling discouraged about my seemingly poor efforts in my roles as a mother, homemaker, and wife. It has been quite the roller coaster, to say the least.

"When you're in a Slump, 

you're not in for much fun. 

Un-slumping yourself is not easily done."

(Dr. Seuss, Oh the Places You'll Go!)

Many different thoughts and ideas have crossed my mind of what I can do to do better and be better - as a person in society, in church, and in my home. Yet, it seems there's not enough time in the day, and my priorities tend to get off course. It has been a struggle finding the precarious balance between giving my all to all of my different roles. 

As I've pondered this and more, one thought that keeps coming back is to just keep working on myself and everything will work out. Don't waste my time comparing myself to others and utilize my time for improving me. So, naturally, the question popped up, "What can I do to improve me when I already have so many things to do that others need?" 

For example, moving to-do's like car registration, unpacking boxes, and organizing in such a small space, and so on. Daily to-do's like feeding my kids, changing diapers, playing with my kids, dishes, dinner, laundry, and cleaning the house. All of these "to-do's" affect me and make me feel less stressed when they're done, but I'm left wondering when I can do simple things for me, like reading my scriptures, taking a shower, painting my nails (anyone who knows me knows I love painting my nails), blogging, exercising, sometimes even brushing my teeth (gross, I know).

Sometimes a mom/wife life is hard. It's stretching yourself thin, making sure everyone else is okay first and then checking in with you. So, since I've been feeling a little stretched thin lately and want to find balance between it all, I've decided to set new goals to help me un-slump myself and be motivated at least 80% of the time, instead of 50%. 

My list is small and simple, but do-able. These are what I'm going to work on this week, and next week I'll check in with how I did.

• Get up at six every morning and exercise (a goal both my husband and I have set).
• Pray more. Even if I can only do it in my heart at certain times. Try to kneel and say my prayers out loud as much as possible.
• Write in my journal every evening.
• Get outside with the kids more, especially Aidan. 
• Spend less time on my phone.
• Smile more. Be happy. Don't take things too seriously. Some things just aren't worth getting mad over.
• Look for the good.

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."

~Thomas A. Edison~ 

Pictures from yesterday while waiting for Jayze to get off work.

Celebrating Aidan

Aidan turned two years old on September 25. I don't think words can ever express how much love I have for him in my heart. He is my bright light, my little fire of hope, and I love him so.

He is obsessed with cars and trucks. He loves planes and making animal sounds. He also loves throwing and kicking balls. His vocabulary has taken off, and he says so many words now in addition to learning new words every day.

His imagination has taken off, too. I'll walk in on him playing and interacting with his stuffed animals or making his cars and trucks crash. At lunch time, bananas turn into planes, and at dinner time pasta turns into revving cars.

Aidan is the sweetest little boy. Lately he wants to pray at the most random times. The other day I walked into the living room to him kneeling down by the coffee table with his arms folded, a little mumble jumble escaping his lips, and a very pronounced, resounding "Amen!" at the end.

He has the cutest, cheesiest, funniest smile and the most adorable, contagious belly laugh. He loves it when Jayze and I wrestle with him on the floor, chase him around the apartment, and drive his trucks around with him. His dad and I essentially turn into jungle gyms whenever we lay on the floor or couch.

He also enjoys books so.much. If I tell him no to watching a movie and ask him if he wants to read a book instead, his face lights up, and he runs to his room yelling, "Booooooooook!" If I'm changing Kimball's diaper or busy with something else and can't read to him when he asks, he'll read the book by himself and is so good at it. My inner English nerd is pretty much overjoyed at how much Aidan loves books.

Ever since he was old enough to understand Jayze and me more (I don't remember his exact age - possibly a little over a year old), when we would put him to bed, he would just talk and talk in his little voice words only children his age, angels, or Heavenly Father understood. Sometimes he would laugh and laugh as if someone were making faces at him or playing peek-a-boo. Even now, at two years old, he'll giggle and laugh and talk as if someone was there playing with him. Every time it makes me wonder if it's Alma. Children are so close to heaven, and I'd like to think it is Alma in there with Aidan, establishing a brotherly bond even though they are apart. It makes me smile, and I can't wait to see if the same thing happens with Kimball.

On rainy days or while dinner is in the oven and we're waiting for Daddy to come home, Aidan and I will snuggle on the couch and watch Mormon Messages (we've probably watched the "truck one" aka "Bearing Our Burdens With Hope" about a million times) or little clips of Disney on YouTube. His favorite movie, though, is definitely Cars, with Planes being a close second.

He is the cutest little helper. If he sees me unloading the dishwasher, he's quick to pick up a dish and hand it to me while I put it away until the dishwasher is empty. When it's time to switch over the laundry from the washer to the dryer, he'll stand at the open dryer and I'll hand clothes to him one by one and he'll put them in. He loves to firmly shut the dryer door when I say, "All done!"

He is the most meticulous toddler I've seen. He's been that way since he was a baby. I know I need to vacuum when he comes up to me with a crumb or piece of lint squished between two fingers and asks, "Trash?" and when I say yes, happily puts it in the trash. Little things like that in other areas as well don't escape him, and I think it's safe to say that if he had a resume, "attention to detail" would be on it.

There are so many more things I could say about my little man. The way he gives me a hug (and he is not a natural hugger or cuddler) when he sees me cry. Running his daily run from the kitchen to his room and back again. The way he imitates whatever Jayze and I are doing. His hunger for learning. How bittersweet him growing up is for me. His calm, reserved nature and (mostly) quiet happiness.

Happy Birthday, Aidan buddy. I'm so grateful for the light and hope you helped bring back into my life. I love you forever my sweet boy.

 

 

4 Month Stats

Good news! Drum roll please....we now have a pediatrician for the kids!

I am SO excited! I have been stressing about this since we moved from Rexburg. Babies need to go to the doctor so often, and I have missed keeping Kimball up on his vaccinations and knowing his growth rate.

Even though Kimball turns five months old in four days, today was technically his four month visit. So, here are his four month stats.

Height: 25.5 inches (31%)

Weight: 17 lbs 7 oz. (69%)

Head: 17.05 inches (74%)

He is definitely a growing boy! He already fits into 6-month clothes and into 9-month pajamas. I was kind of excited when he started fitting into 6-month clothes, though, because we have such cute outfits in that size. And he has two teeth! (both are on the bottom) Babies growing up definitely comes with a bittersweet feeling.

Some of Kimball's favorite things:

• Grabbing onto his feet. Aidan never did that without some prodding from me, so it's been really fun to see how much Kimball does it on his own. 
• Attention. 
• Smiling.
• Talking and being talked to.
• Chewing on his fingers.
• Being tickled.
• Having his diaper changed and getting dressed.
• Being held. Seriously, he is my cuddly baby, and I can't get enough of it. 
• Grabbing onto things like my hair, my face, my shirt, his toys, Aidan's toys, his blanket, his burp cloth, his bib, his pants...pretty much anything within his reach.
• Getting his hair brushed.
• Taking naps. Although he has an aversion to sleeping very long in his car seat when it's not in a moving vehicle (aka stroller or van).
• Watching Aidan run and play. 
• Standing. Sometimes he'll only burp after eating while he's standing up.

 I'm eagerly anticipating how he'll react to solid foods. We'll try rice cereal soon.

All in all, Kimball is a very chill, sweet baby. I love his gray/blue eyes, his dark hair, the way he loves his family, and all of the milestones he's reached and will reach in the very near future.

What Matters Most

I was out in the foyer sitting with Aidan because he had screamed yet again during Sacrament Meeting. I held him close and tried to listen to the speaker. He was telling his conversion story, and I always love hearing those. I was only able to hear bits and pieces, but one specific one that made it through caught my attention, "My mother was Catholic and always wanted her son to receive the priesthood. She passed away a few years before I joined the [LDS] Church. She was not able to be there physically when I, her son, eventually received the priesthood...but I know she was there."

That last phrase caught my attention because it was so familiar. I've heard similar phrases so many times from people about their loved ones who have passed on. Phrases like:

 "I know my mom was there at my wedding." 

"I felt my dad close by when I graduated college - one of the dreams he had for me."

"My grandpa is my guardian angel."

I've said phrases like that myself about Alma. He's been there during especially tough moments when I've wanted to give up, and he's also been there during special and sacred moments. I know I have felt him close by.

As I sat there in the foyer and thought about how people are able to feel their loved ones, who have passed on, close by (and this isn't unique just to Mormons), it occurred to me that the veil is thinner than we think. It was probably more of a reminder, but it's true! Sometimes I feel like the veil between me and God and my loved ones is a wrought-iron door, but in reality we have angels all around us. And I think that especially includes our loved ones. Sometimes it's just easy to forget as time goes by.

Because it's so easy to forget, I love moments of remembrance. The moments of silence, remembering and respecting those who have lost their lives for our country, or who lost their lives in a senseless shooting or bombing. Or at funerals and memorial services when people speak softly and reverently, trying to keep the spirit of their loved one close by as long as they can before the day-to-day distractions and hustle and bustle somehow whisk him or her away.

I love those moments because it's when people pause and...remember.

Remember their loved ones.
Remember the event.
Remember that this life is not the end.
Remember that we will get to see our loved ones again!

Ever since Alma passed away, it seemed that people wanted us to move forward...move on...get past this...heal right away...because life goes on whether you want it to or not. After someone you love dies, the world just keeps right on spinning, even though it feels like you're stuck in one spot and you're not ever going to move again. You wonder, how can the world go on and expect you to go on? People want you to be the same and are disappointed when you aren't. But how can one be the same and move on after such a life-altering experience?

The truth is, you can't.

Sometimes I get caught up in the desire to be who I was before Alma died. Retain the innocence I lost and not feel a tightening in my throat every time someone asks me how many children I have. Or be able to say without any hesitancy and a smile on my face, "Three boys," rather than having to say with a brave face, "Two boys, with their brother watching over us in heaven."

But I'll never be the same.

My life changed the minute I saw the positive sign on the pregnancy test, the first time I felt Alma kick, and the moment when the nurse couldn't find his beautiful, perfect heartbeat.

And more and more I'm realizing that it's okay that I'll never be the same.

Looking back on how much Heavenly Father has taught me and shown me, I don't want to be the same. Realizing this reminded me of the story about the class criticizing the Martin handcart company. After hearing the story a few years ago, one survivor's quote stuck with me:

"The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company."

("Refined in Our Trials," James E. Faust, 2006)

I've learned - and am still learning - that becoming acquainted with God is such a beautiful thing. He transforms us through our trials. Heartbreak can be a beautiful thing, because the Savior is there to heal us! He can heal any heartbreak that we encounter, and even more - he helps us along in the process.

 
President Uchtdorf told a sweet story about "Great-Aunt Rose" that touched my heart. This part stood out to me:

"Aunt Rose smiled. 'I discovered faith. And faith led to hope. And faith and hope gave me confidence that one day everything would make sense, that because of the Savior, all the wrongs would be made right. After that, I saw the path before me wasn't as dreary and dusty as I had thought. I began to notice the bright blues, the verdant greens, and the fiery reds, and I decided I had a choice - I could hang my head and drag my feet on the dusty road of self-pity, or I could have a little faith, put on a bright dress, slip on my dancing shoes, and skip down the path of life, singing as I went..."

'Faith in the Savior taught me that no matter what happened in the past, my story could have a happy ending...

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."

(Revelations 21: 3-4, emphasis added)

Trying to have faith in my Savior has taught me that, like Aunt Rose and despite the tragedy of losing Alma, my story can have a happy ending. The Lord promised that very thing when He said:

"But blessed are they who are faithful and endure, whether in life or in death, for they shall inherit eternal life" (D&C 50:5).  

And that's what I want - eternal life. I want to be with my angel again. I want to hold him in my arms and experience him every.single.day. Until then, Alma helps me keep an eternal perspective. He is our angel on the other side of the veil cheering on his family. He's there encouraging us to not give up so that we can all be together as a family.

Because, really, what matters most on both sides of the veil is family.

Whether you're old, young, married, single, divorced, widowed, male, female, teenager, child...whatever...you have family rooting for you - on both sides. Angels are all around us, give them a chance. Like Aunt Rose, choose faith, hope, and confidence in the Savior, because He is the one who provided a way for us to be with our families again.

Because of Him, I'll get to see my Alma. Because of Him, all wrongs can be made right. Because of Him, all tears will be washed away. Because of Him, joy can be found in the journey now.

 

January 1, 2016