Aidan's 3rd Birthday Party

Aidan's birthday wasn't until September 25, but since we were surrounded by so much family in AZ, we decided to celebrate it early. I don't regret it one bit. I could tell he felt so loved, and he was so, so, so excited for it.

Jayze helped out a ton with the decorating, thanks to a silent migraine on my part, plus he's just awesome. My sister and sis-in-law helped out with cutting it into the "3" shape, too. 

Since it was an actual birthday party and Aidan's old enough to play games, I decided to have a couple games available. Aidan wanted a Lightning McQueen themed party, so we had "Pin the Tire on the Car," and "Sally's Cozy Cone Ring Toss" (guess I forgot to take pics of them). They were half and half successful, haha. I think the kids were more interested in running around. :) I still had fun putting them together.

Not going to lie, I'm so proud of this banner I made. It's literally from card stock and baker's twine. My sister and I colored the black squares ourselves, and I was so pleased with how it all turned out.

We did cake and ice cream first since we celebrated at kind of an odd time between lunch and dinner. We didn't want to spoil the kids' dinner (or ours), so we did the dessert first so we could run and play it off before dinner.

He couldn't wait to play with, "Cruz, the yellow car."

He was so excited to blow out the candles.

He received about a bazillion more presents than he would have if we had celebrated in Kansas. It was fun to see him understand the concept of opening presents a little better than the previous two years, although I think next year he'll be a little better at it. He mostly wanted to play with the presents he had already opened instead of going on to the next one. I still can't believe he's three years old now.

Both sides of the family were there, which was so great. Pam helped Aidan play with his new baseball mitt and ball. All the cousins had a blast running around the stage and huge cultural hall. Kimball of course got ahold of the trash can and wheeled it around most of the time. And the adults enjoyed relaxing and visiting.

It was so nice having everyone's help and support. I can't even describe how it felt being able to celebrate Aidan's birthday with extended family. He's so loved.

Spontaneous three generation picture. .

Aidan's brought so much joy and love to our family in the past three years. More than I knew was possible. I'm excited to keep getting to know him and watching him learn and grow. He has such a sweet disposition, loves to problem solve, can play outside all day long if there are cars and dirt involved, is so helpful, and is getting better at talking every day.

I love my handsome boy so much. Happy three years, kiddo.

Haircut

Five reasons why I love giving Aidan haircuts (and Kimball now too!):

1. He is contained but happy. Mainly because he is watching YouTube videos.
2. Doing so actually forces me to sweep my tiny kitchen floor.
3. It's therapeutic. Have I ever mentioned that I once wanted to go to hair school? 
4. It provides practice for Jayze's haircuts.
5. I feel productive because I usually give him a bath afterwards.

I've definitely come a long way from cutting Aidan's hair shorter and shorter until it looked like a buzz cut...

July 2016

And he's come a long way in not screaming the whole time. :)

Just Listen

Last week was difficult. Aidan wouldn't listen to me, which meant I had about a bazillion opportunities to practice patience, take deep breaths, and get down on his level to ask him what the real issues were and work them out with him. It also meant that I raised my voice a few notches higher than I would prefer and put him in time out more times than I could count.

By the time 5:00 rolled around, my frustration levels with Aidan (and his with me) were sky high. He finally ventured to the living room to find solace in his toy cars while I ventured to the kitchen to make dinner.

As I whisked about the kitchen in muted exasperation, I muttered under my breath, "Well, if he would just listen, we would both be a LOT happier. I mean, seriously, how hard is it to just listen??"

I picked up a pot full of water and moved towards the stove when it hit me - the Spirit quietly whispered to my heart, "How many times have I told you to listen, and you haven't?"

I stopped short and thought about it. That small and powerful inspiration led me to think back to the Doctrine and Covenants and how so many verses begin with listen or hearken. I also thought about the stories in the Book of Mormon and how some of them would have a very different (and happier) outcome if the people in it had just listened. Then I thought about the scriptures I had read that morning about keeping the commandments and listening and obeying the words of Jesus Christ.

Holy cow.

The frustration ebbed away and I felt very humbled.

I slowly set the pot on the stove and pondered how kind and how patient Heavenly Father is with me. I thought about how very timely that loving rebuke was and how it answered my many frustrated pleas for patience that day. How if I will just listen and obey the first time, it would save me a lot of heartache, frustration, anger, and sadness.

It's interesting how the Spirit can teach at such ordinary moments. I had expected a different answer to my pleas - a miraculous change in Aidan's mood or in his willingness to listen - but the Spirit taught me in that moment that it wasn't just Aidan who needed to listen...I needed to as well.

I'm grateful for my Heavenly Father who gives me second chances so.many.times to listen to Him and reminds me to give just as many, if not more, chances to my toddler.

"Obedience allows God's blessings to flow without constraint. He will bless His obedient children with freedom from bondage and misery. And He will bless them with more light...Teach of faith to know that obedience to the commandments of God will provide physical and spiritual protection...When we are faithful, He and His angels will help us."

- Russell M. Nelson -

Power in Motherhood

This week I made it a goal to get outside at least once a day with the kids. We've been cooped up with potty training and rainy weather. Since potty training turned out to be a bust (we'll try again in a few weeks), and the rainy weather isn't too cold in the afternoon, I've decided even if it's raining, we're at least going to get out the front door on the porch to breathe in some fresh air. 

Yesterday was the perfect start to the new goal. It rained in the morning, but the sun peeked out through big, fluffy, white clouds in the afternoon, drying out the wet air. After nap time and a quick snack, we got ready to play on the still-patchy, but green, grass. 

I quickly changed diapers, pulled on Aidan's Lightening McQueen shoes, and stuck my feet into my flip flops. With a soccer ball and blanket in one arm and Kimball in the other, I opened the front door and didn't even have to coax a football-in-hand, totally excited Aidan who said, "I got it!" when I tried to help him open the screen door that enabled our final escape to the outdoors. 

He finally figured out the handle and pushed the black door open. He walked a few steps, then stopped and threw the football over the metal railing onto the grass and sidewalk below. Then we all hurried down to "play ball."

I set Kimball down on the dry grass, laid the soft, blue and yellow baby blanket down next to him, and then lifted him up and over onto the blanket. He was content just sitting there watching Aidan, playing with the soccer ball, and eating grass when he was able to grab a fistful of it. 

Those overalls just kill me. I wish I had a million more of them to dress him in. :)

While I was getting Kimball set up, Aidan took off across the lawn to a tall, dry bush at the edge of the parking lot on the other side of our apartment. Then he ran back, laughing and plucking up yellow dandelions along the way. He was almost beside himself being outside again. Obviously, this goal will be good for all of us. 

After sitting with Kimball for a little bit, I watched as Aidan ran up to me and asked, "Mom, play?" 

Well, how could I resist that?

I jumped up and chased him around, snatching the soccer ball from his hands and running away with it. He grinned from ear to ear and laughed with joy at the game. He then ventured on his own again, climbing the wooden fence, jumping in a small, muddy puddle, and asking me to help lift him to touch his fingertips to the lower branches of a tree. A few minutes later, I jogged over and picked up Kimball, balanced him on my hip, and sprinted after Aidan again. We ended up crowded together by the fence and watched planes fly by. "It's flying away! Bye, white plane!"

When we got tired, we all plopped back onto the blanket and grass and enjoyed the breeze playing across our faces and running its fingers through our hair.  

At one point, Kimball crawled into my lap, leaving the baby blue blanket sitting by itself right by my knees. It was then that I thought of Alma. 

That blanket was given to us at Alma's baby shower, and I've used it for both Aidan and Kimball. I thought of how he might be saying, "Play on the grass, Mom?" like Aidan does. Since he's a year older, he'd probably be saying it in more complete sentences, but I couldn't help but think a piece of him was there with us. The wind on my face. The yellow sun shining down, warming us up. The sounds of a toddler's laugh and a baby's happy squeal. The joy emanating from my heart in addition to the sweet love I felt for all of my boys. 

It's interesting how grief comes unexpectedly. It wasn't so mean yesterday since it was more of a reminder of Alma rather than a sudden, sporadic, heart-wrenching moment of missing him. It was a slight tug, helping me remember him and imagine him playing and giggling with his younger brothers. 

That slight tug yesterday reminded me of the sacred role of motherhood. Sometimes I get caught up in filling empty stomachs, diaper changes, grocery bills, brushing teeth, bath time, building block towers, kissing bonked heads and smashed arms, preparing the diaper bag, reading scriptures, praying, creating activities, bouts of boredom, and digging deep for patience - all the while wondering if it's amounting to anything. The world doesn't cheer mothers on, and it's easy to get caught up in wondering if there's "more" I could be doing that has "greater impact."

Then moments like yesterday happen - stacked on top of hundreds and thousands of precious, sacred moments - when I see the glow of delight on Aidan's and Kimball's faces and, with grief, I feel close to Alma. 

Those moments, along with the hard moments that come with motherhood, are when I remember that being a mom is who I am supposed to be and motherhood is the greatest thing I could ever do. Nothing could ever replace it, and I am grateful to be a part of all of the moments I get to experience with all three of my kids. 

And I'm excited to get outside more this week. :)

"Some women are not given the responsibility of bearing children in mortality, but just as Hannah of the Old Testament prayed fervently for her child, the value women place on motherhood in this life and the attributes of motherhood they attain here will rise with them in the Resurrection. Women who desire and work toward that blessing in this life are promised they will receive it for all eternity, and eternity is much, much longer than mortality. There is eternal influence and power in motherhood."

~Julie B. Beck~

When I Have Grown a Foot or Two...

Have you ever heard of the concept of measuring your children when they turn 2 1/2 years old?

A few years ago, I was at my uncle's house, and he explained the concept to me. Then when I was in college, I learned about it again in my Child Development class. It seemed like a fun tradition, and I filed it in the back of my mind to do it with my kids.

The concept is - when your child turns 2 1/2, measure how tall they are and then you multiply the height by two. The end result is supposedly how tall they will be when they stop growing.

Well, Aidan turned exactly 2 1/2 yesterday. I kept watching the calendar and reminded myself every day to please remember to measure him because I was excited to see how tall he might be when he's older (give or take probably).

The end result: He should be a little over 6'2. That's about how tall Jayze is!

Now we'll just have to remember to measure him again when he stops growing and see how correct the estimate was.

Love All Around

We're all sick around here (not Jayze, though - yay!). Yet, even with the sickness, I can't help but think of how much I love my family. This sickness has forced me to slow down and forgo my to-do lists - and I'm all about lists - for a couple of days and really live each moment with intention and purpose.

Purpose in giving my little ones Tylenol to help bring their fevers down. Purpose in giving two, aching boys a much-needed and fun bath. Purpose in wiping snot-covered noses again and again. Purpose in watching Aidan hop around and play with his cars even though I can tell he's not feeling very well. Purpose in bouncing and rocking a fussy baby, praying for him to fall asleep because I know it will help him feel better. Purpose in changing diapers, in soothing painful cries, and in digging deep for patience. Purpose and intention in all of these moments that make love more apparent in the seemingly tedious moments of parenting.

Love was apparent when last night, I fell asleep exhausted, still in my jeans, and Jayze got up this morning to feed Kimball so I could keep sleeping even though he's driving six hours today. It was there when while Kimball finally fell asleep for his morning nap, and Aidan and I snuggled on the couch, held hands, and watched a movie together. I recognized it in the way Kimball hasn't wanted me to put him down more than a few minutes because he is so miserable and wants a comforting touch.

Love was all around me yesterday when the sickness really took its toll, and it's continued into today. Which is fitting, since today is Valentine's Day.

I am grateful for my little family. I am grateful for the abundance of love in each of my boys' tiny in size, but huge in sweet tenderness, hearts. I am grateful for moments like today when, even though sickness abounds and we're all kind of miserable (especially Kimball), there is still so much love in our small apartment.

But mostly, I'm grateful for the love of an all-knowing, all-caring, all-loving Heavenly Father. I am grateful for the love of His Son, Jesus Christ, who loved me so much that He suffered and died for me. They have never let me down. They have never left me alone. They have never left me comfortless. They have never given up on me. I hope that I can become more like them and respond to my children and brothers and sisters like They would. I know I can't respond in the perfect way They do because I'm definitely not perfect, but I'm grateful I can try and They can help me try and succeed. I hope that I can remember to respond to their love in a way that I recognize it even in hard moments and in a way that I'm grateful for it even when I don't necessarily feel it.

So even though my expectations of doing Valentine's Day crafts with Aidan and Kimball, making a delicious dinner, and getting out of the house and doing something fun because I actually have the car today are pretty much down the drain, I'm okay with it because this is where I'm supposed to be and it's where joy and love can still be found.

"We are surrounded by people who desperately need someone to lift them. Some may be friends. Some may be strangers. All are our brothers and sisters. 

So let's try a little harder. Let's reach out a little farther. Let's lift a little higher. They are depending on us. God is depending on us, for 'we are the Lord's hands here upon the earth, with the mandate to serve and to lift His children.'

Our individual efforts may seem-a kind act here, a selfless sacrfice there-but collectively our small efforts can make a big difference in the lives of others. And in the end, those who spend their lives lifting others will themselves be 'lifted up at the last day."

(LDS.org Blog Staff)

Aidan Update

Aidan

- can count to three no problem -

- is still obsessed with cars, trucks, planes, and trains - 

- still asks for cars, trucks, and planes whenever we mention Santa - 

- since moving out of the high chair, he doesn't eat as much -

- I'm understanding him more and more every day, which is the best - 

- loves, loves, loves running and laughs while doing so - 

- loves playing with Kimball, but also gets upset with K playing with his toys - 

- has beautiful brown eyes -

- doesn't mind haircuts as long as he can watch something - 

- is getting better (and sometimes worse) at praying - 

- can lift our heavy family scriptures easier -

- is into hopping lately (seriously the cutest thing) - 

- is growing out of his shoes -

- loves to touch everything in the store -

- is really obedient for the most part (knock on wood) - 

- loves reading time - 

- is awesome at helping clean up at night -

- water-colored for the first time this month - 

- loves to help bring ingredients to the table, unload the dishwasher, and load the dryer - 

- is learning where Alma is -

- likes to be tucked in tight - 

- loves the zoo - 

- loves doing "little piggy" to me and Kimball - 

- knows his colors - 

- knows animals and their sounds (ever look up what a giraffe sounds like?) :) -

- is starting to make up songs - 

- can say how old he is ("TWO!") -

- likes holding my hand when he chooses to -

- is very independent -

- likes watching and playing with other kids -

- wants to walk more instead of ride in the stroller -

- super cautious - 

- has a fun imagination - 

- loves, LOVES nursery - 

- is still my baby -

Since I've slacked on writing in his journal, I wanted to preserve some of these on my blog. It also helps that I'm a much faster typist than hand-writer. :) But I'm putting that on my list of goals - write in Aidan's journal more often. 

Love you my sweet, sweet boy. 

Bath Time

To be completely honest, this week has been rough. Aidan and Kimball are both sick (green snot and coughs - TMI?) and haven't been sleeping very well. Kimball was crying practically nonstop on Tuesday. I barely got dinner on the table both Monday and Tuesday, and yesterday I gave in and had Jayze pick up some Taco Bell on his way home from work because I wasn't able to handle making dinner with a screaming baby at my feet again.

I was able to get out with the kids and go on a run on Monday, but the past couple of days were too windy and cold. I've lost my temper with Aidan, and I've felt like such a bad, failing mom and homemaker. It's been frustrating, to say the least.

But, thankfully, today has been SO MUCH BETTER. Both of the kids took great naps (A is still asleep, actually - yay!), Aidan water colored for the first time, Kimball has been more of his smiley self, and I was able to work out, budget, read for a meeting tonight, and pay rent.

Plus, here's the best part - I gave Aidan and Kimball a bath this morning at the same time and it was a success.

Aidan had been asking me for a couple of weeks for Kimball to join him during bath time, and so this morning I finally sucked up the courage and decided to give it a second try.

I had tried giving them both a bath at the same time a few weeks ago, but it was crazy stressful, and I was worried both of my kids would drown by the end of it. Thankfully, Jayze was there to help me. The reason why it was such a mess is because we hadn't bought a bath mat. Aidan doesn't need one anymore because he doesn't slip in the tub, and I usually bathe Kimball in the kitchen sink. So when I tried to put Kimball in the tub with no mat, he was slipping and sliding everywhere. I had to keep a firm grip on him at all times, otherwise he would have for sure gone underwater...or bonked his head...or both.

Looking back it's kind of funny now - how I kept calling for Jayze to bring me a washcloth or a towel and how I finally asked him if he could please finish washing Aidan while I dried off and dressed a screaming Kimball. All while Jayze was making dinner so I could bathe both of the kids. Yep, definitely a bust.

So this morning when I gave them a bath, I made sure to be prepared with wash cloths, towels, bath toys, bath soap, dry diapers, and dry clothes because I knew I was going to be doing this solo and I couldn't leave the bathroom once both of them were in the bath. I stripped both of the kids down and in they went. And seriously, they had so.much.fun, and I had so much fun watching them.

I think it cheered both of my sick kiddos up. Me too. It was a change, they were together, and they could splash to their heart's content. I'll definitely be doing this again.

This Morning

Sometimes - not very often - Aidan wakes up crying and screaming. But when we go in to comfort him, he is still mostly out of it and goes right back to sleep after we rub his back or head a few times, offer words of comfort, and drape his blanket around him again. It seems an unspoken rule that Jayze usually gets up to comfort Aidan since I usually get up with Kimball. So, when Aidan woke up screaming around 4:00, this morning, I thought things would turn out the way they normally do.

I rolled over and woke up Jayze, "Aidan's screaming really hard. I don't know what's wrong." Jayze took a minute to rouse himself and then groggily got out of bed to comfort Aidan. By that time Kimball needed comforting too. Jayze went in their room, consoled both of them, and came back to bed. A few minutes later, Kimball started crying again, so it was my turn to groggily get up, grab a bottle, and feed Kimball.

As I was feeding Kimball, Aidan kept sitting up in bed, laying back in bed, giggling off and on, whining off and on, and dozing. I kept telling him to, "Shhhh, go to bed. It's still bedtime." By the time Kimball was done eating, Aidan had finally relaxed into a comfortable position and had quieted down. As I kissed his forehead and said goodbye, I thought for sure he was going to go back to sleep.

No more than a couple minutes after I had crawled back into bed, I heard Aidan open his door, then I heard his little hand turn the doorknob and and our bedroom door swung open. Most of the time he goes to Jayze's side of the bed because it's closer to the door, but this time he quietly padded over to my side.

I whispered, "Hi, Aidan."
He said, "Up?"
I asked him, "Do you want to come sleep with us?"
He thought for a moment, smiled, and then said, "Eus!" (Yes)

I told him to climb on up. He started to, and then I grabbed him under his arms and pulled him the rest of the way up. Jayze said, "But you have to sleep," because whenever he wants to come into bed with us, it's to play.

I laid him down next to me, covered him with the blanket, told him to go to sleep, and then I dozed off. He took a little bit to actually fall asleep, but when I half woke up awhile later, I could hear his little snore. There we were: Jayze, me squashed in the middle, and Aidan.

My non-snuggler didn't want me too far. Every time I tried to move, he would come closer. His head knocked against mine and then stayed there, and his foot wedged between my knees.

It was the cutest thing.

Later, Jayze got up to get ready for work, and I stayed in bed for another half hour to snuggle with my toddler. Right before I got up, Aidan shifted and put his hand on my arm. Of course I had to stay there at least another five minutes. :) It wasn't until I heard Kimball crying in the other room that I finally climbed out of bed and softly shut the bedroom door, leaving Aidan to snooze away.

He slept for another hour and came out of the room somewhat confused, but super happy. And even though I hope this doesn't become a habit, this morning it was the best thing ever.

Aidan Funnies

Okay, I started writing this post a couple of months ago. So some of these are outdated, but I kept them here because I don't want to forget them!

Wrote these while we were living in the hotel:

Words (my favorites - he obviously says a lot more than what's listed here):

• Bimball = Kimball
• Uck = truck and stuck
• Juice = juice and shoes
• Eba = Zebra
• Ippo = Hippo
• Eeow = Cat
• Rawr = lion, bear, tiger
• Byyy Byyyy Byyyy = I want to sit by you
• Wuv ooo = Love you
• Ahma = Alma
• Hyperventilating = monkey
• Biiiiiiite = I want more food
• Baby = baby or movie
• Coookiiiieeeee! = cookie

Aidan, holding a fistful of spinach, asks me: "Biiiittte?" Meaning, do I want his spinach?
Me: "No, I already have spinach. That's yours. Are you going to eat it?"
Aidan looks at me, then looks down, then looks back at me and moves his hand towards the garbage and says, "Traaaash."


While watching Planes and eating dinner, I noticed Aidan dipping his pizza in the smoothie. I thought it was cute and funny and wanted to capture it. I tried to get his attention and kept asking him to look at me and smile when he finally turned to me, put his finger to his mouth, and said, "Shhhh....." I guess I had it coming for how much I tell him to shush because the baby's asleep.


I'm feeding Kimball and Aidan wanted his jacket off. He started to unzip it but didn't unzip it all the way. He got frustrated, so I helped him unzip it all the way. Then he got frustrated that it was unzipped all the way and wanted it zipped again. I offered to help, but then he didn't want it zipped. So he tried taking off his jacket, but his arms got stuck and he got frustrated and desperately said, "Uck! Uuuuuuck!!!" So I helped him take it off, and then he got frustrated that it was off. So I started to put it back on him and he didn't want it. I finally put it on the couch and he was finally satisfied. Whew.


Aidan was smiling and hanging out with Kimball after Kimball woke up. I had unswaddled Kimball and left him in the bassinet while I went to the kitchen to make a bottle for him. When I came back to get Kimball, I saw Aidan trying to give Kimball the piece of apple Aidan had been eating. So cute.


Me to Aidan: "Do you want to eat breakfast?"
A: "No."
Me: "Are you hungry?"
A: "No."
Me, holding up a box of cheerios: "Do you want some cereal?"
A, gets an excited look on his face: "Cereal!" and comes happily running to his high chair.


Me to Aidan: "Do you want to eat lunch?"
A: "No."
Me: "Are you hungry?"
A: "No."
Me: "Come on, let's eat."
A: "No."
Me: "Well, I'm going to put you down for a nap. Do you want to eat before you go down for a nap?"
A, running to his high chair: "Eeeeeeee!!!" (eat) - he'll do anything to stall sleeping lately


Written more recently:

Whenever we pray before bed, Aidan has to make sure all of his trucks are put down in one spot. Sometimes we'll be waiting a couple of minutes before he's all done.


The other day I was trying to juggle a lot of things at once. Kimball was crying, and I needed an extra hand. So I asked Aidan, "Hon, can you give Kimball your giraffe to play with? He's so sad." Aidan picked up his stuffed giraffe, threw it at Kimball, and hurriedly backed away.


Me: "Oh, shoot!"
Aidan: "Ah, shooot!"

Me: "Dangit!"
Aidan: "Dangit!"

Me: "Criminey!"
Aidan: "Imney!"


Me: "Guess what, Aidan? Kimball's awake! I need to go make his bottle real fast, can you go say hi to him?"
While I'm in the kitchen making the bottle, I hear Aidan open my bedroom door where Kimball is, excitedly run in and say, "Hi!"


Me: "We'll eat dinner as soon as Daddy comes home."
Jayze walks in and says, "Hi!"
Aidan jumps off the couch, runs to his chair, and yells, "Eeeeeeaaaatttt!"

Aidan: "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom."
Me: "Aidan, Aidan, Aidan, Aidan, Aidan."


Pointing to Jayze, Aidan says, "Daddy!"
Pointing to me, A says, "Mom." (he never calls me mommy, just mom haha)
Pointing to himself, "Adinnn."
Pointing to the bedroom where Kimball's sleeping and resting his hand on his cheek, "Kmbllll, sleeping."
Pointing to Kimball, "Kmbllllll."
We're still working on him figuring out where Alma is. :) But the other day he saw a church and said, "Temple. Ahlma. Jesus," so we're getting there.


I love my two-year old. Life with him seems to get better and better as he keeps growing up.

Puddle jumping

Full Hands

It was a day when it was hard to live in a hotel. 

I felt cooped up, the kids felt cooped up (at least I knew Aidan did). Dinnertime was quickly approaching, but the babe was fussy and wanted to be held and Aidan kept pushing me out of the kitchen wanting me to play with him. All the motivation I had left for making dinner vanished. I gave up and turned on a movie for Aidan so he would be entertained while I fixed up a bottle for Kimball. As I sat in the recliner feeding our precious baby and half-watching the movie with Aidan, feelings of sadness, stress, and anxiety settled over me. Dressed in sweats, hair in a ponytail, and a makeup-free face, I felt bad Jayze would walk in the door any minute to two tired kids and an overwhelmed, unmotivated wife. All I wanted, and felt like I needed, was a break.

When Jayze came home and asked about my day, I asked him if I could pass the baby to him and go lay down on the bed for ten minutes. Just ten minutes. Maybe even five. I just needed even a tiny break from being in the tiny living room all day. Even our tiny bedroom would seem nice and new. Jayze, being the sweet husband he is, offered even more than I asked. He gathered up the kids - Kimball in his car seat and Aidan with sandals on his feet and a toy car in each hand - and took them for a drive around the city.

I was so grateful. I crashed onto our bed and tried to get a few zzzz's. But for some reason I couldn't sleep, so I turned on "Fixer Upper" and vegged on that for a while. My mind finally calmed down enough for me to take a short nap. When I woke up, the hotel room was still empty. Just the sounds from people walking around in the room above us and our A/C running were heard. I lay there for a few minutes soaking in the silence, but then I felt...lonely. I suddenly missed my kiddos and my husband and wanted them to come back. I hoped they were okay. I texted Jayze to tell him I missed them and then thought of my empty arms. Aidan wasn't there crawling around on the bed struggling to climb into them and Kimball wasn't there crying to be held. It was just me.

Ever since we moved to Michigan and have lived in our one-bedroom hotel room, I've tried to get out at least once a day with the kids. We've hit up the zoo, the temple, the park that's twenty minutes away, and the public library (we go there most often because it's close, it's free, and Aidan loves it - he screams his high-pitched scream every time we leave). We've gone downstairs to blow bubbles, gone downstairs to do laundry, gone on walks on the paths around the library, and gone on long drives exploring the city. It's a struggle to get both kids out the door, but once we're out, it's definitely worth it.

It seems that every time I'm out with the kids - Kimball in the baby carrier or in the car seat and Aidan holding my hand in the parking lots - I get the comments:

"Wow, you have your hands full!" 

"How old is your little one?" 

"Two boys? Congratulations, that's wonderful."

I smile and say, with my heart bursting inside and a tinge of sadness, "Yes, yes my hands are full."

And I think, If only they knew.

If only they knew that my hands and arms were so empty a couple of years ago.

If only they knew that I'm a mom to three boys.

If only they knew how broken my heart was.

If only they knew that this young woman lugging around a full diaper bag, a baby in his car seat, and a sweet toddler used to dream of this and ache for it when her dream was shattered by the words, "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat."

If only they knew that I prayed for these sweet babies after I buried one in the ground.

If only they knew what a struggle it was carrying each of them, hoping and trying to have faith they would make it to my arms alive.

If only they knew of the testimony I had to gain before exercising the faith to try to get pregnant the first time - to want my future to include motherhood.

That everything that includes motherhood is what I am so grateful for - the mess, stress, expense, struggles, tiny hands, pitter-pattering feet, belly laughs, baby smiles, coos, story-time, learning, growing, saying, "no," slobbery kisses, saying, "wuv ooo," prayers, songs - this is what I prayed for.

Having "full hands" to some seems overwhelming. I guess some days it is. But I've also had it the other way, which is also so, so, so overwhelming. Being a stay-at-home mom is hard...but I wouldn't have it any other way because I have had it the other way.

Wanting and needing a break is okay. I think it keeps the whole family sane. But that day in the hotel was a reminder to hold on. Soak in these babies and hold on tightly to them.

It was a reminder of the day I got to hold Alma all day long and how I would give anything to hold him again right now. To have another day with him in my arms.

Some days are long, but the years are short. This time with my precious babies is going by so quickly. It's a reminder to cherish this time because one day down the road when my babies are grown I'll wish people still said to me, "Wow, you have your hands full!"

"As we touch the temple, the temple will touch us."

 "You are never lost when you can see the temple."

(Gary E. Stevenson)

 "I love to see the temple, I'll go inside someday..."

(Primary Children's Songbook, pg. 95)

 “Only the home can compare with the temple in sacredness.”

(Bible Dictionary, pg. 781) 

"As we touch the temple, the temple will touch us." 

(Thomas S. Monson)

Detroit Temple

“Say the word temple. Say it quietly and reverently. Say it over and over again. Temple. Temple. Temple. Add the word holy. Holy Temple. Say it as though it were capitalized, no matter where it appears in the sentence."

(Boyd K. Packer) 

- see "Sacred Homes, Sacred Temples" -