Faith in the Middle

For those of you who don't know, I'm 28 weeks pregnant with our first girl. Yay! I can honestly say now that I'm excited, but it wasn't like that in the beginning.

A few months after having my fourth baby, Lincoln, I didn't want to get pregnant again. Not yet.

It was the same way after I gave birth to my third baby, Kimball. Jayze and had I decided to wait at least a year after we had him. My pregnancy with Kimball, especially the very end, was difficult emotionally and physically. I had a hard time bonding with him, and I was ready for a break. But, after a special experience and a flip-of-the-switch-type-answer from Heavenly Father, 9 months later we were pregnant with Lincoln.

I've been really fortunate in my pregnancies. Morning sickness in the beginning (all day car sickness and extreme fatigue), energized with a cute baby bump in the middle, and then waddling my way through more waves of fatigue and pain until I have the baby. You might say I have textbook pregnancies. It was that way even with Alma all the way up until he passed away. My labor and delivery with him and my physical recovery from giving birth went quickly and well. In fact, one of the women I used to work with told me (soon after I had Alma), "You're born to have babies!" 

With that little bit of context in mind, you would think that making the decision to try getting pregnant for me is easy, but it's soooo not. I've described it to others before that it's like a light switch. I have a baby, then I really don't want to be pregnant again until suddenly I do and it feels right to try again. We've received the go-ahead from Heavenly Father every time. (It was a little different after Alma, but I won't go into that right now). People ask us how many kids we want, and I know after having Alma, it's not that simple. I can have a specific number in my head, but who knows if that's what God has in mind for us? So our way is taking it just one baby at a time. 

However, even with all that, Jayze and I were determined to wait longer between Lincoln and the next pregnancy. And I mean really determined, especially me. I wanted longer to heal and time to accomplish a few personal goals. Plus, I was already slightly overwhelmed with three boys at home. Not enough to be crazy hard, but just hard enough for that daily stretching and sometimes painful HIIT moments that come with being in the trenches of motherhood.

A year went by, and it was weird not to be pregnant with another baby while celebrating Lincoln's one year birthday. That light switch hadn't flipped yet, and I wasn't sure when it was going to happen. To be honest, I was grateful I hadn't felt it yet. I always have a lot of fear during my pregnancies, and I just was not ready.  

Not long after Lincoln's first birthday, Jayze and I started talking more seriously about trying for another baby again. Was it the right time? Were we ready? Was there another child waiting for us? We couldn't decide, so we let it sit. 

One night, a few weeks later and after a moment of subtly knowing I was pitting my will against God's on this matter, I had the very distinct impression, "Do you trust me?" It came like lightning to my heart. I still felt overwhelmed by the thought of being pregnant again, but I couldn't deny it. I knew it was time to set aside my plan and put my faith in Heavenly Father's plan.

The next month we were pregnant. 

I'd like to say I was excited, but the reality is when I saw the pregnancy test results, a mix of emotions washed over me - mostly sadness and anxiety (which is soooo hard to admit). I thought, How am I going to take care of four children here at home four years old and younger? Aidan doesn't start school for another year. They all have such different needs. How am I going to do it all?

In my opinion, one of the hardest parts of motherhood is splitting my attention five different ways. Each of my children all have such different needs and love languages, and I hate not having that one on one time with each of them like I had when it was just Aidan and me. But, I took a picture of the pregnancy test and told Jayze later that night the news. We sat on the couch holding hands, trying to envision the next 9 months. We knew it wasn't going to be easy. It doesn't have to be easy every time. That night as I prayed, I held onto the truth that this was right. I felt a deep peace because I was intentionally putting trust and faith in God. "Do you trust me?" kept coming back, and I decided that yes, even though it was hard, I did trust Him. 

Fast forward to the much-anticipated 20-week ultrasound appointment. We thought we were having a girl (like all the other times!), but this time we were secretly hoping for another boy. We even had a name picked out, which was a miracle in and of itself (boy names are so hard for us!). But at the very end of the ultrasound, after I went to the bathroom three different times and switched positions about 100 more so she could get the right measurements, the ultrasound tech finally saw the gender and announced, "You're having a girl!"

Immediately I was excited, but I was also so scared. You know that feeling of wanting to cry, but it just gets stuck in your chest and the tears won't come? I had that. I walked out of the office to my car and just sat there for a few minutes taking it in. As I stared out the front window to the sunny outside, I thought of when I got the news that Aidan was a boy. It was a similar feeling, except with Aidan I did cry.

It's hard to describe to anyone who hasn't been through it, but I felt that way because just like that I was back at square one. Actually, more like square one and a half. This pregnancy with this sweet little girl right now feels so much like my pregnancies with Alma and Aidan - a perfect mix between the two. Perfect, yet terrifying. Anxiety and what if's and denial waging their war against peace, trust, and faith. An entire 40 weeks of not knowing if we're going to get to bring this child home, but really really really hoping we can.

My pregnancy with Lincoln was the most peaceful I'd had. I truly feel like it was a beautiful, precious gift from God - one I am still immensely grateful for. I knew my body could handle carrying a healthy, living baby boy past 37 weeks, and my heart had healed in so many ways since bringing two other boys home. I felt prompted to give birth to Lincoln naturally (another post for another day), so that's what I focused on. I wanted another boy because I knew I had handled it before and could handle it again.

Having a girl this time makes it feel like we're having our first baby again. New clothes, new blankets, the thoughts of, "What do we do with a girl?" Comments from other people didn't help either. It was painful and annoying to hear, "You finally get your girl!" This might savor a little of bitterness (although I know people really do mean well), but whenever someone tells me that I think of bluntly responding, "Are my boys not good enough?"; "Well, we actually wanted a boy again"; "We're not just over here having all of these kids hoping for a girl"; "I'm glad you're excited I'm pregnant again, but would you be that excited for me if we were having another boy?"

One day I was cleaning up the kitchen after breakfast when the song, "Faith in the Middle" by Hilary Weeks came on. My kids were running around playing, there were dishes in the sink and dirty dishes on the table, but with a wet dishcloth in one hand I stopped in my tracks, leaned on the sink, and just cried. Like, ugly cried cried.

Heaven is open, God has spoken, He has spoken to you
You've had a witness, You know that this is what you're meant to do
The flame is burning and hope is alive, but you've been here before 
And you know there'll be times

[Chorus]
When doors are gonna close and you need them to open
Some will second guess the direction you are goin'
Lot of fading hope might dwindle 
And you're gonna need some faith in the middle
To keep you moving forward when you think you've reached your limits
To step into the battle when you're not sure you can win it
When you question or doubt more than a little, well that's when you're gonna need faith in the middle

Maybe you're thinkin' about leavin', let go, or turning around
You've come so far, you've worked too hard, don't walk away now
You're gonna make it, it's worth the climb
So don't you give up, even though there'll be times 

[Chorus]
When doors are gonna close and you need them to open
Some will second guess the direction you are goin'
Lot of fading hope might dwindle 
And you're gonna need some faith in the middle
To keep you moving forward when you think you've reached your limits
To step into the battle when you're not sure you can win it
When you question or doubt more than a little, well that's when you're gonna need faith in the middle

You're gonna make it, it's worth the climb
So don't you give up even though there may be times

[Chorus]

Those lyrics were perfect for me that day, and they keep coming back to me on the hard days. This spiritual fire is intense and scorching, but I know enough from past experiences that when I turn to God I will come out stronger and more refined in the process.

In one of my workout videos, the people in the video and I are practically sitting on the floor because we're doing such low squats. My legs are burning and I'm hating the instructor because he's not letting me stand up and I don't know when I'll get to stand up. He's sweating and pumping his fist into his hand and says, "Don't run from the pain. Embrace it."

And guys, that is so.hard.to.do. Like, are you kidding me? How am I supposed to embrace this? 

But I tell people now who have lost a baby, "Feel all of the feelings. Don't run away from grief - let it run its course. It's okay to not be okay. It's okay to grieve. You're not crazy. It's painful, it's hard, but if you let it you will become stronger because of this pain. You will rise from this, and it will be beautiful." 

"There's no grief like the grief that does not speak," said Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. Speak your grief! Don't hold it in. It will get worse if you run from it, but it will get better if you let it out. 

I love this quote that I posted in one of my blog posts What Matters Most: 

"The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay."
("Refined in Our Trials," James E. Faust, 2006)

With all of these feelings I've had, I know there is something to learn from this. With this pregnancy with my sweet baby girl. I am paying the price yet again to know God. It's not easy, but it is worth it. And as hard as it is, I am thankful for it. Because to know God is worth it.

So I'm going to keep showing up. Showing up for me, for Jayze, for my baby girl, for my boys. Showing up for the battle, and having the faith that no matter what happens, God's got this. God's got me. 

28 weeks + 1 day pregnant with Baby Girl Flake

30 Weeks

Whenever I hit 30 weeks along, I realize just how close we are! Plus, with how quickly this pregnancy has gone, I know having the baby is right around the corner. I'm excited and nervous. I can't wait to hold him in my arms, but I always get worried about all of the planning that happens before heading to the hospital.

Having a baby is not like planning a wedding or baby shower or birthday party. Those have set dates and times, whereas having a baby is totally up in the air. It makes it harder to plan and keeps us on our toes, but I'm glad we still have a few weeks before worrying too much about it. 

I'm excited to see how Aidan and Kimball are going to react to having a baby in the house. Kimball will be around the same age Aidan was when we brought Kimball home, and Aidan understands so much more now that I can't wait to see him be a big brother again. He calls the baby "Hudsy" (I have no idea where he got that) and always tries to be careful around my belly. Kimball might go through some hard days because he loves snuggling and being close to me, so I'm glad he has Aidan to play with.

30 Weeks

Update:

How far along: 30 weeks + 4 days.

Gender: Boy!

Clothes: I'm still growing and my clothes aren't. :)

Sleep: I need to go to bed earlier because I've been exhausted. Kimball got a 24-hour bug a few days ago, and since then I haven't felt that great either. No throwing up, but just really tired. However, I haven't had any bad dreams (yay!), and I don't wake up much in the middle of the night which is nice, too. 

Movement: This baby moves around a lot, and I'm so grateful. I had an ultrasound yesterday, and the ultrasound tech said, "Wow! I can see him move your stomach." Sure enough, the left side of my stomach was sticking out farther than the rest of my stomach. This kid's a mover, and I don't mind one bit.

Cravings: Smoothies (homemade), peanut butter toast...not much else. My appetite hasn't been very good this past week. 

Aversions: Pizza, fast food, and meat.

Comfort level: I have a pain in my lower abdomen that I didn't have with the other three that is so uncomfortable. It feels like round ligament pain, but on the underside of my belly. Other than that, it's not too bad. 

Missing anything: Being able to get up without a struggle, haha, and hard-core exercise. 

Hardest part: Trying to keep up with Aidan and Kimball. Also, I really miss being able to lay down anytime and focus on the baby. I've been up and about so much that I can only do that mornings before the kids wake up or evenings after the kids go down. If I lay down while they're awake, they just climb all over me, haha. 

Best moment of the week: Last week was Thanksgiving, which was wonderful. We spent so much time as a family, which I was so grateful for. This week we're preparing to move, so watching Aidan climb into the boxes is amusing. Also, yesterday I got to see the baby on the ultrasound which helped ease my anxiety. I love seeing and hearing his heartbeat. 

I just keep hoping and praying we'll get to take this baby boy home with us. I already love him so much and am so grateful I can feel him every day. All the little curve balls pregnancy tends to throw at me are worth it. 

27 Weeks

27 Weeks

Yesterday, I hit 27 weeks along. Only one more week in the second trimester! There have been a few "bumps" (har har), but mostly regarding my health vs. the baby's health.

Remember how I had varicose veins in my past three pregnancies? Well, the term they gave it when I was pregnant with Alma is actually "superficial thrombophlebitis." It started in one spot behind my knee and wasn't bad at all (compared to now). However, it's grown worse with each subsequent pregnancy. Towards the beginning of this pregnancy, I finally caved and bought compression stockings ($$$) because my leg looked and felt so bad. Thankfully, I can hide it better now since it's colder and I don't want to wear sandals all the time anymore. Plus, they're actually more comfortable than the ones I've bought before.

Despite that annoying and (a little worrisome) thing in my leg, it's been a smooth ride so far. I was talking to one of my friends last week at church and she asked me how the pregnancy was going. I told her, "I'm always so sick and tired in the first trimester, and it's hard to function. I don't throw up, but it's like all day car sickness and exhaustion. Then I'm always anxious and tired during the third trimester, so really, right now it's going well."

Even though I try to cherish each moment in the pregnancy, the second trimester really is my favorite out of the three. It's when I have the most energy, it doesn't hurt when the baby kicks, and my baby bump is still at the super-cute-status vs. I-bet-you're-going-to-have-the-baby-anytime-now status.

It's also when my anxiety is at the lowest level.

After going through being pregnant with Aidan and Kimball, and now being pregnant with our fourth baby boy, I've realized that the pregnancy after loss anxiety will never go away. I have had more peace regarding some things during this pregnancy I didn't have during my other ones, but I've also had more worries regarding other things I wasn't worried about before. And I know as my belly keeps growing and the 37-week mark approaches, my anxiety level will keep rising higher and higher like the red line on a weather thermometer.

However, I've also realized that no matter what point I'm at in my pregnancy, it's a privilege and honor to carry this sacred life inside of me. Even if things might not work out the way I plan or hope, this time with my baby is and will always be precious. I love feeling him move and I never take it for granted. Every day I thank my Heavenly Father for this baby and hope to be the best mom I can be to him, even though he's not born yet.

Update:
How far along: 27 weeks + 1 day
Gender: Boy!
Maternity clothes: Snagged a couple of things last week. Still in dire need of pants, more shirts, and dresses. I don't want to go clothes shopping with Aidan and Kimball, though, so it's been a little tricky finding time to go shopping by myself.
Sleep: If I went to bed earlier, it would be great. It's been cold lately, but since Jayze put a second blanket on our bed, I've been as comfortable as a 27-week pregnant women can be (whatever that means, right?). I was lucky last week because all I needed to do was shift back and forth a few times before being out for the night. The past few nights, though, I tossed and turned and kept waking up. But so far no crazy, graphic dreams, which has been really nice.
Movement: I love, love, love feeling him move, and thankfully this kid moves around quite a bit. He tends to move more when I'm listening to music, reading to Aidan and Kimball, and right after I eat (especially if it's sugar or fruit).
Cravings: Chicken sandwiches, dark chocolate Kit-Kats (thanks Halloween candy), salads, smoothies, pumpkin pie, peanut butter toast, and any food I don't have to make.
Aversions: Pizza and burgers.
Comfort level: This week was kind of a drastic change from last week. All of a sudden my comfort level went wayyyy down. Even sitting throughout all of third hour yesterday at church was hard, so I'm not sure how the next few weeks are going to go haha. Yesterday I kept thinking, "Already?!"
Missing anything: Exercising! I only exercised once last week, so this week I'm committed! It really helps with the aches so much, as well as my mood.
Hardest part: Still trying to figure out a name. It's also hard either trying to find someone to watch my kids while I go to my doctor's appointment or bring them with me. Also, (this doesn't really have anything to do with the pregnancy) Aidan has been a handful lately which has been taxing.
Best moment of the week: Painting the Thankful pumpkin. I love creating things and doing crafts, so that was so fun for me. I also made a Thanksgiving turkey with Aidan and Kimball, and it makes me happy every time I see it.

Aidan and Kimball really like it too. Aidan always wants to touch its eyes and Kimball smiles and points at it and says, "What's that?" all the time. One of these days he might actually say "turkey" while pointing at it. :)

Last week. 26 weeks along.

24 Weeks

19 Weeks along

This past Sunday, I hit 24 weeks along in my pregnancy. It's going by much more quickly than the last three pregnancies, which is both exciting and terrifying. I'm excited to have another boy to love on, but I'm terrified of the last few weeks of the pregnancy that are right around the corner. The last few weeks are always the most stressful because that's when we lost Alma.

I'm also starting to doubt my ability of taking care of three children here. I've felt consistently nauseous and tired and some days it's been hard to take care of two boys let alone three. The second trimester has been a lot easier than the first, but A and K definitely give me a run for my money with their energy (especially since Aidan's suddenly turned into a three-nager haha) and I don't know how it's all going to pan out with me not sleeping through the night. One of my biggest struggles as a parent has been balancing time between my kids (even Alma) and making sure I have enough one-on-one time with each of them. It's hard to split my attention three different ways, so I know it will take even more effort splitting it four ways.

However, every time I get a moment to myself to rub my belly and look around my living space, imagining a newborn snuggled in my arms or asleep in the bouncer, I feel such a deep, abiding peace that this baby is meant to be here and it will all be okay. It's such a sacred privilege to carry a child, and I want to give it the honor it deserves by treasuring the tender mercies that come every single day. Yes, it's hard and scary and exhausting, but it's also a quiet joy and I'm grateful. Whatever comes, I know Heavenly Father is right there with me.

22 Weeks

22 Weeks

Update:
How far along: 24 weeks + 2 days
Gender: Boy!
Maternity clothes: The past three times I always just winged it because we had almost no money for extra clothes. I was planning to do the same this time around, but I've gotten bigger faster and it's just so much more comfortable to wear maternity clothes. I've bought a couple of things and have been rotating through them and my regular clothes, but I also don't want stretch out my regular clothes. So, if anyone has any recommendations for good quality but not expensive maternity clothes, I'm looking! :)
Sleep: I go to bed exhausted almost every night, so I've actually been sleeping pretty well. Since the boys take a nap at the same time (yes!), sometimes I'm able to squeeze in a nap too. No crazy dreams yet. And since I wised up and stopped drinking so much water right before bedtime, I'm not up 3-4 times a night going to the bathroom anymore.
Movement: This baby moves so much, and I love it SO MUCH. The second trimester is especially the best because his kicking and moving doesn't hurt yet. I never ever get tired of feeling him move.
Cravings: Chick-fil-A, Panera (aka soups and salads!), smoothies, baked goods, macaroni salad (but only a few bites), hummus and pita chips or pita bread, muffins, snacky foods.
Aversions: Pizza, Chinese food, burgers, spaghetti (hmmm, this seems to be a common theme), and sometimes chocolate (heartburn!). Actually, I probably have zero excitement for any of the food I just mentioned because they all give me heartburn.
Missing anything: Working out hard core...or even working out at all...so I finally started doing strengthening exercises again this week. I'm committed! It helps with the aches and pains soooooo much. I also miss fitting comfortably into my clothes.
Hardest part: Picking a name! Guys, if Jayze and I were having a girl the only hard part would be picking which one. We probably have five girl names picked out already (middle too!). It's been difficult (to say the least!) going through names and trying to find one we both like.
Best moment of the week: Today I took Aidan and Kimball with me to the doctor's appointment (they were so busy!), and we all got to hear the baby's heartbeat. They stopped getting into stuff the moment they heard it and were kind of like, "What the heck?" but it was cute. I never get tired of hearing that sound. Someone should invent some sort of bracelet or app or something that allows you to listen to the heartbeat any time you want.

22 Weeks

It's been a blur of a pregnancy so far. We're grateful we're having another baby and I keep getting more and more and more excited about having another boy. It's going to be wonderful having a baby in the house again.

Pregnancy Update: 36 Weeks

This past week has been a little bit of an emotional roller coaster. It seems that the closer I get to having this baby, the more anxious I get. I get flashbacks of what happened with Alma. And while I love remembering Alma - the moments when I had him and got to hold him - I don't love what happened. It was so hard, and right now my due date is looming. We're so excited to have this baby, but it's taking more and more effort to be excited rather than just wanting it to be over with. I'm trying to not let fear take over and trying to envision taking another baby home, but some days are better than others. So, like my last pregnancy, I'm focusing on the good this week:

Doctors and Nurse Practioners: 
My doctors and nurse practioners are the best. When I go to doctor appointments, I feel loved and cared for. After doing the routine checkup, one of my doctors asked me how my head was. I took a deep breath while tears pooled in my eyes and answered, "Um, okay," and could only nod after that. He let me know that they are in this with me. I'm not alone. Everyone wants a good outcome - a baby in my arms I can take home with me. I am in their prayers. It was just what I needed to hear. I'm so grateful for my doctors.

Warm Weather:
With Alma and Aidan, I was in my third trimester throughout the entire summer. This time around, it's been fun to be in my third trimester with summer right around the corner. It makes me look forward to walking outside with Aidan and the new baby, as well as having precious sunlight stream through my windows.

Ultrasounds:
The other day I told the ultrasound tech, "These just kill me! They make me want to hold my baby right now!" It's been the best being able to see my baby so often. The other day he had his tiny fist clenched and close to his face, and it was just the sweetest thing.

Braxton Hicks:
Just this past week I've had lots of Braxton Hicks. They put me into major nesting mode. I told my mom, "All of a sudden, I feel like I need to make freezer meals, wash baby clothes, set up the pack 'n play, and vacuum my whole house!" In fact, I want to vacuum every single day "just in case." Yes, definitely in major nesting mode.

Which leads me right into the next point...

Prepping for the Baby:
There's something so hard about prepping for a baby after losing a baby. I hated packing all of Alma's things away. We also left the crib up for a couple of months after he was born with the glider and ottoman right by it. I would get home from school, sit in the glider while holding his blanket, and just cry. So, it really does take an act of faith preparing for the baby. There's always the "what if" in the back of my mind. But a couple of days ago I got out the baby clothes, bibs, wash cloths, tiny socks, and blankets and washed, dried, folded, and put them all away. It was a first step to preparing and has made me want to keep preparing.

p.s. Those baby clothes are tiny! I can't believe Aidan was that small!

Sleep:
I'm so grateful Aidan sleeps through the night, because I'm already up every 3-4 hours going to the bathroom and waking up from crazy dreams. I'm trying to take advantage of the sleep I get now, but also mentally prepare for not getting sleep when the baby gets here.

P90X Stretch:
Who knew pregnant people could do P90X? :) Yesterday, Jayze and I decided to exercise during Aidan's naptime. We popped in P90X Stretch, and it felt wonderful! Even though I wasn't able to do some of the stretches, I was able to do a majority of them. It was just what my body and mind needed.

Prayers and Scriptures:
As I've really tried to pray and study my scriptures daily, I have felt an abiding peace. The Lord is with me. No matter what happens, He won't let me down. He has never let me down. He is with me every step of the way, and I am so grateful for Him. Whenever I'm struggling, it seems like the scriptures I read that day were written just for me. And they were! Whenever I get down on my knees and pour out my heart, I feel my Savior's love. I'm so, so grateful for prayers and scriptures.

This is an exciting time. I'm excited to see Aidan be an older brother, excited to smell that glorious newborn smell, excited to change millions of diapers a day, and excited to be a mom all over again.

I'm trying to be aware of the small and simple things in my life - baby kicks, milestones Aidan reaches, Jayze getting to be home more now that he's graduated, time with friends, sweet and tender mercies...these moments are small but make up to become big, beautiful things in my life. And what a beautiful life it is.

Pregnancy Update: 30 weeks

Today I am 30 weeks along! This pregnancy is really flying by, which I am both happy and nervous about. As I get farther along, I long for Alma more. I long to feel him in my arms again. I long for that perfect labor and delivery and feeling his spirit close by.

I also ache more.

I ache for the moments I'll never get in this life. Ache for the moments I never got to see him alive. Ache for the moments I don't get to see him interact with, play with, and love on Aidan.

My anxiety for this baby to be born has gone up, although I've tried not to let it get the best of me. I get so excited about having another baby and the thought of seeing Aidan with his little brother, and then I get...scared.

Scared that I'll have to bury this child, too. Scared Aidan will be left with two brothers in heaven. Scared I'll have to go through the same trial again.

Aidan loves babies, and it breaks my heart to think of the possibility of not seeing him love our baby - his baby brother.

As I'm progressing farther, I'm reminded over and over again that there is no safe zone for me. No safe zone in this pregnancy. It could happen at anytime and anywhere. It could happen in the middle of the night when I'm sleeping and not counting the baby's movements.

I've been pushing these feelings down, trying to feel like a normal pregnant person - full of hope, only worrying about the aches and pains and no sleep and weird food cravings. But my innocence is gone. I don't get that first-time pregnancy joy again...I've lost it. I've lost my baby before, and it's hard to find that beautiful joy other women who haven't lost a baby have of knowing all the pregnancy hardships will be worth it once my baby is in my arms. I don't know if I'll get that.

As I've thought about and pondered all these thoughts (and more) this past week, I was reminded of a quote from President Thomas S. Monson's most recent general conference talk, "Be an Example and a Light.":

"Remember that faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other. I reiterate what we have been told repeatedly—that in order to gain and to keep the faith we need, it is essential that we read and study and ponder the scriptures. Communication with our Heavenly Father through prayer is vital. We cannot afford to neglect these things, for the adversary and his hosts are relentlessly seeking for a chink in our armor, a lapse in our faithfulness. Said the Lord, 'Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.'"

Satan works hard on all of us, especially when we're trying to be righteous and good. He tries to overshadow me with doubt, and sometimes he wins because I let him. I let doubt dispel my faith and listen to all of the things Satan tells me that can go wrong in this pregnancy, or with life in general.

But I'm learning more and more that it's MY choice. I choose to let Satan in or not. I choose to have faith or doubt. And the more I have faith and act on my faith by reading, studying, and pondering the scriptures and praying to my Heavenly Father, the more peace, joy, and love I'll feel. Strength will fill my soul, and I will claim the promise that "all things shall work together for [my] good."

Things will work out. If I don't get this baby now, I pray I can be worthy to be with him and Alma in heaven. BUT, I am hoping with all my heart and trying to have faith that I'll get this baby here.

I'm hoping I'll get to bring him home and learn about him and snuggle him.

Figure out how to take care of a baby and a toddler on so little sleep.

Figure out how to grocery shop with two children.

Be amazed that my love has multiplied yet again for another child.

I am a mother - it is my greatest calling. I love being a mother. It is the best hard I have ever done. My testimony of motherhood has grown so much, of family, and of marriage. That's what this life is about, and I'm grateful to be part of it.

So, without further ado, here is my pregnancy update:

Cravings: I've become a pickier eater. Definitely. I only want cereal, toast, yogurt, fruit, breads, smoothies, sweet treats (mostly baked goods and chocolate) - pretty much breakfast and easy foods. Probably why I have been feeling tired. I need to vamp up my diet!

Aversions: Spaghetti (unless it's with meatballs...like I said, I have turned into a picky eater). Beans, enchiladas, pizza (except homemade), stir fry, soup. Surprisingly, Mexican food. But, once I start eating something, then I enjoy eating it. It's weird.

Movement: LOVE feeling this baby move. It's still at the point where it doesn't hurt. This baby is a mover, too, which is the best ever.

Heartburn? If I don't eat frequently enough, in comes the burn. However, it generally goes away when I eat cereal with milk.

Sleep: Because of vivid dreams, I don't sleep very well. I've woken up in a cold sweat a few times. It's nice I can take a nap during Aidan's nap time if I need to.  

Best moment this week: Getting to hear the baby's heartbeat. I had to take the gestational diabetes test (yucky drink, but I passed!), and his heartbeat was beating like crazy. It was so fun to hear it and know he's doing well.
 
It was also awesome hitting 30 weeks. Just 10 more weeks to go!

30 Weeks: Update

On Thursday, I officially hit 30 weeks along with our second baby.  Finally!

-Baby Update-

• Size of a large cabbage - about 3 lbs.
• Eyesight is continuing to develop.
• New fat cells are regulating the body temperature.

 

-Pregnancy Update-

Cravings: Brownies, potato salad, any food I don't have to cook.

Aversions: Spaghetti still does not sound good to me ever...until I start eating it. :)

Weight gain: 17 lbs., and I think I have gained a LOT of inches too this pregnancy.

Movement: He likes to hang out low as well as nestle in my right side in my ribs.  My right side will get numb sometimes...maybe he likes sitting on a nerve?

Awesome moment of the week: Hitting 30 weeks along.  Seriously, it sounds so much farther along than 20-something weeks along.

Heartburn: Eased up.  I hardly get it at all anymore (knock on wood).  Maybe this baby will come out bald!

Missing anything? Hard-core exercising, not getting leg cramps at night, and being able to wear my smaller clothes.

Next time we get to see the baby: In two weeks.

Appetite: I'll get super hungry, start eating, and then get full really fast.  Then I'll be hungry again half an hour to an hour later.  If I skip meals or don't eat for a while, then I get really light-headed, so I always have to pack snacks and water around with me.

 We're slowly getting closer.  I'm getting more and more excited for October 2.

Mountains to Climb

Since I forgot to keep checking the school website regarding on-campus parking permits, all of them were sold out by the time the spring semester started.  Because I'm working full-time and not going to school this semester, I really didn't worry too much about it.  I clicked on the option "free parking permit," went to campus to pick it up, and hung it up on my rear-view mirror.  I didn't think walking from the free parking parking lot to my work would be a big deal.

It ended up being a big deal.

There it is - a mountain of a hill that gradually becomes steeper and steeper - looms in front of me every single day when I get off work.  It is about a third of a mile long, and of course the wind is always against me as I climb it.  Imagine a pregnant woman trying to keep her purse on her shoulder with one hand and her skirt down with the other.  It leads to a stooped over, hobbling up-the-hill, out-of-breath, grumpy pregnant woman.  Every single day.

But the options are to climb the stupid mountain hill, wait an hour for Jayze to get off work so he could climb the stupid hill and get the car for me, or walk home.  I opt for climbing up the stupid hill. 

It's kind of funny really.  I get off work, hoist my purse higher up on my shoulder so it stays there, turn off my phone so I don't have any distractions, and plow ahead.  My eyes are located a few feet in front of me, and I concentrate on putting one step in front of the other.  As I walk, I mutter to myself, "It's okay.  You got this.  This hill doesn't have ANYTHING on you!  Don't let it beat you down!  Don't let it win!  It's not even that steep.  Almost there...look, the parking lot is in view!"

Yes, I do give myself a pep talk.

A couple of weeks ago I was having a really hard day.  Things just weren't going right, and I felt really down and discouraged.  By the end of work, I was ready to go home and crash.  I didn't want to think about making dinner or even eating dinner, doing the dishes, cleaning up our cluttered house, or anything.  It was all just too overwhelming that day.

Five o'clock finally came, I signed off, and headed out the door.

And when I walked outside and started in the direction of the parking lot, there it was again - that stupid hill.

I didn't think I could take it.  My feet were heavy and didn't want to move, and it seemed like my whole body was resisting walking up that steep hill.  It was windy, and my eyes were tired and couldn't handle the dirt flying into them.  All I wanted to do was sit down and not walk up that stupid hill.

But, I weighed the options again and decided I didn't want to sit somewhere on campus for an hour waiting for Jayze to get off work and began the upward journey.

I kept moving forward knowing that each step got me closer to the sanctuary of my car.  I knew if I stopped moving, I would stop for good.  But it was so incredibly hard that day.  About halfway up the hill, tears started rolling down my cheeks, and I felt like I couldn't go one more step. 

I lifted up my head to see how much farther I had to go and if it was even worth walking up the rest of the way when something white caught my eye.



https://www.lds.org/media-library/images/temples/rexburg-idaho?lang=eng

The temple.

Somehow seeing it helped me keep going.  I knew I wasn't going to go all the way to the temple because the free parking lot isn't as far as that, but somehow just seeing it gave me the strength to hang on.  To keep going step by step.  To not lose hope.

As I renewed my concentration of putting one step in front of the other, I remembered that my family is forever.  I remembered the covenants I made with Jayze and my Heavenly Father the day Jayze and I were sealed for time and all eternity in the temple.  I remembered that Alma is sealed to us too, and I'll get to see him again someday.  I remembered that the baby inside of me is sealed to us, and whether he lives or dies, he is still part of our forever family.

Somehow, I made it.  I was still crying, there was still dirt flying in my eyes, and my feet still felt heavy, but that day I really did have victory over that stupid hill.

I opened the car door and practically collapsed in the driver's seat, still out of breath. I glanced again at the temple that had given me renewed strength and the quote came to my mind:

"You are never lost when you can see the temple. The temple will provide direction for you and your family in a world filled with chaos. It is an eternal guidepost which will help you from getting lost in the 'mist of darkness'" ("Sacred Homes, Sacred Temples," Elder Gary E. Stevenson, April 2009). 

Climbing that hill is nothing compared to the every day "mountain" I climb each day.  The mountain of not being able to hold Alma every day.  The mountain of waking up and knowing no tiny hands are reaching out for me, needing me.  The mountain of knowing I gave birth to a baby, but no evidence of it happening.  Yes, there are pictures on my shelf, but there's no carseat in my car, no toys strewn across the front lawn or across my living room carpet, no pile of baby clothes waiting to be washed, no children's books in our book collection...

Even though we have had a baby, Jayze and I are already empty nesters.  I know what it's like being pregnant and giving birth, but I don't know what it's like actually taking care of my baby.  Some people talk to me like it's my first pregnancy, and I talk to others like it's my first baby; when in reality, neither of those are true. 

Like the temple quote says, some days my world is filled with chaos.  Some days I feel lost and without direction or hope.  Some days are dark, and I just want to give up and not take one step further up my mountain.  Trying to heal from the loss of my firstborn baby and trying to find hope in my pregnancy after that loss has been difficult, to say the least.  Deep down I know Alma is okay and that my Heavenly Father is really aware of me, but it doesn't mean I don't miss my baby. 

Mountains come in all shapes and sizes and none of us are exempt from climbing our own, personal mountain.  Everyone has a story.  Everyone is struggling with something.  Whether it's trying to fight an addiction, feeling depressed all the time, being spread thin because of all the activities you have going on in your life, fighting with a sibling, wondering what school to go to after you graduate high school, trying to heal from the loss of a loved one, feeling lonely, wondering if God is really there...

...and so many more...

Yet, I know that as we climb our mountains and make the effort by keeping the temple, eternal priorities, and God in sight, then we will be able conquer those mountains.  We will be able to come out on top.

You will be able to look up the mountain from the bottom and know that with grit and determination you can climb that mountain and succeed.   

Because front and center, God and angels are giving us a pep talk, too: "Don't give up.  Almost there.  You're getting so strong.  We're right here with you.  We love you."

Then when the mountain levels out, and you're finally able to catch your breath, you will know that you can do hard things.  You will know that it was worth it.

So I'm going to keep climbing my hill every day.  God and his angels are with me - I am not alone. 

"If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing" 

("Mountains to Climb," Henry B. Eyring, April 2012).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdN8rfwW3SI