My first instinct was to bury him in Idaho. It was where Jayze and I lived and had already made so many special memories, we could visit him anytime we wanted, and, frankly, it was the most convenient. Plus, I honestly didn't even think it was possible to have him buried anywhere else because I didn't think we had the resources to make all of the arrangements for that.
However, after talking to our families, we found out that it was possible to bury him somewhere other than Idaho. Although, upfront, it would be less convenient and more heart-wrenching, we knew that burying him in Arizona was where he was supposed to be. In our heart of hearts, we knew that Rexburg was temporary, whereas Arizona was more permanent. Both sets of our parents live in the same town, so it was more likely we would have more opportunities to visit our baby boy once we no longer lived in Rexburg.
I wasn't sure how it was all going to work out, but through many earthly (and, I'm sure, heavenly) angels and tender mercies, it all did. All the nitty, gritty details worked out, as well as bigger issues. We were so blessed and grateful and knew we weren't alone.
Now, three years and a half years later, I'm glad that Alma is buried in Snowflake. I wish I was able to visit him anytime. It's hard not taking Aidan and Kimball on a regular basis to go see him, too, but I'm grateful he has loved ones nearby who can and do visit him and leave flowers and decorations.
My mom and Jayze's mom send me pictures from time to time of Alma's graveside. It's usually decked out in the decor of the season: spring flowers, fall leaves, snowmen figurines, summer daisies, and a "Happy Birthday" sign in August. Seeing the pictures always make me tear up and wish we lived closer. But I'm grateful others are there to give him love when I can't be there in person.
When Alma was first buried there, I remember before Jayze and I left for the Phoenix Airport to go back to Rexburg, I wanted to see him one more time. So we drove to the cemetery and, hand-in-hand, walked to where he was buried. The fresh mound of dirt was the only thing marking our baby's burial place. It was then that I realized I didn't have anything for him. No headstone, no flowers, nothing. My arms and hands felt even emptier. I had to leave some token of love for my sweet baby boy before flying miles away from him. I knelt down on the soft mound and with my finger I drew, "We love you," with a heart. It was still more difficult than I can express to walk away, but leaving something there helped.
A few days later, my parents texted and asked if they could put a small, homemade metal plate to mark Alma's graveside. That was the beginning of the outpouring of love Alma would receive on his grave.
I'm grateful for my mom and Jayze's mom who, after the first set of decorations had been up for awhile, offered to put them in a box and save them for us. When I first saw and held the decorations, I couldn't help but get teary-eyed at all the love and support. We really weren't alone, and Alma wasn't forgotten. We toted the box back with us to Rexburg and put it with Alma's other things. I knew I wanted to keep the small treasures, but I didn't want them to just sit in a box in storage. In essence, I wasn't sure what to do with them.
When we finally made it to Kansas and things settled down a little bit, I started making our little apartment into a home. We found some couches and a coffee table, Jayze assembled our black bookshelves, I arranged and re-arranged bookshelf decorations, and we worked together to fit Aidan's toddler bed and Kimball's crib in the kid's bedroom. I hung up some pictures, and organized our closets (still in the process, haha).
One day as I was organizing our front closet, I found the box full of Alma's graveside decorations again. I stopped for a minute to look through them. As I touched the leaves and flowers and picked up the figurines, the thought came to me, "Why not make a wreath?"
Background: I've wanted to make a wreath ever since Jayze and I got married and just never got around to it. I love wreaths and other door decorations because it's kind of like a, "Welcome to my home!" before stepping inside. Well, this was my perfect excuse to buy a lovely grapevine wreath (they smell sooo good) and break out the glue gun.
Once the kids went down for a nap, I pulled up Pinterest for inspiration and went to work designing my own, custom wreath. I have to admit, it was hard pulling the leaves and flowers off. I didn't want to ruin them! I prayed and crossed my fingers everything would work out.
And it did! I tied a piece of twine in a loop in the back and hung up my new wreath on my front door. I love how it turned out. It feels wonderful and makes me happy to see another touch of Alma in our home.
During the past three and a half years, I've thought many times how such a small person with such a short life could make such an impact on others...and on me. I've thought of how Alma's life has helped me pause and reflect on the sacred moments life gives us every single day. How his life has caused me to be more service-oriented and caring towards others. How his life has shown me the good in others and how willing people are to give of their time, talents, and love. How his life has taught me to love being a mother and to not take it for granted. How his life has increased my love for his siblings. It's been humbling, to say the least.
Tomorrow will be the third Thanksgiving without him. Lately, seeing Aidan play and interact more with Kimball has made me ponder what it would be like to have Alma here. I wonder what it would be like to see three of my children physically play together. I wonder what it would be like to convince two toddlers to go to bed and hear them giggle together. I wonder what it would be like to see my two older boys fawn over their baby brother.
I think that all of the wondering has brought some sadness, but it's also filled me with gratitude. I'm so grateful I've been able to have more children. And not just more children, but children HERE. Here to raise and love on. Here to teach and discipline. Here to pray, cuddle, and play with. Here to practice motherhood on.
I'm so grateful to be a mom to THREE wonderful, sweet, happy boys. I'm grateful for my marriage with Jayze. I'm grateful for the glimpses I get of Alma when they do come. I'm grateful for God's love for me. And I'm grateful that this life isn't the end.
"Regardless of our circumstances, each of us has much for which to be grateful if we will but pause and contemplate our blessings."
~ Thomas S. Monson ~
This is such a wonderful way to have Alma in your home. It turned out wonderfully and its like he welcomes you home every time you come through the front door!
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