Halloween 2016

This year we decided to dress up as zoo animals. We already had a bear outfit for Kimball - I think it came in one of the big bags of boy clothes I bought when I was pregnant with Aidan - so we planned our other costumes around his.

Jayze was an elephant, I was a zebra, and Aidan was a tiger. Obviously, we had to get a little creative with the elephant ears and nose and tiger ears. All credit goes to Jayze.

Aidan wasn't much of a fan of the face paint; he kept rubbing his nose, so by the time I took pictures, most of it had rubbed off. He also wasn't really a fan of the tiger ears. I tried not to call too much attention to them, because if I ignored them, he did too. It was only when I bent down to adjust them, he pulled them off. All night long, Jayze and I kept asking him what sound a tiger makes, and all night long he said, "Roar! Roar!" Until someone else asked him, then it was more of a mouthed, "Roar!"

Our ward celebrated Halloween early and hosted a chili cook-off and trunk or treat. It was Aidan's first trunk or treat. We didn't go trick or treating or trunk or treating last year because it's always soooo cold in Rexburg around Halloween and Aidan was only a little over a year old anyway. So this year I was excited to walk him around to each car and teach him how to say, "Trick or treat!" and put candy in his pillowcase (didn't you ever use pillowcases as candy buckets when you were little?). :) I don't think he really knew what was going on. He's really shy, so he mostly just mouthed, "Trick or treat," and "Thank you," but I think he liked it anyway.

One of the ward members was holding his son's toy light saber. Since Aidan couldn't stop staring at it, the ward member let Aidan play with it. Aidan was fascinated by it! He couldn't stop pushing the button that lit it up and made the light saber noise. I think that might just go on his Christmas wish list...

That night Jayze and I read "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow," out loud after we put the kids to bed. It was both of our first time reading the actual story. It was so fun, and I think it might become a Halloween tradition.

Tonight for FHE we're going to crack open the mummy pinata my mom sent, play the Halloween Memory Game my mom made, and eat some chocolate. Thanks, Mom, for helping make our Halloween more fun!

Happy Halloween from the Flake Family!

Checking In

As much as I'd love to say that everything went perfectly with my goals last week, that's just not the case. However, I did make a lot of improvement, and I'll just hang on tightly to that.

Get up at six: In my last post, I wrote a few goals I wanted to work on for a week. I'm happy to say that I got up at six o'clock most days. On the days I couldn't exercise right at six because I was feeding Kimball or because Aidan woke up earlier than usual, I still tried to get my scripture study in or the dishes done while Jayze exercised. Like I said, it wasn't perfect, but I feel good about the progress.

Pray: Praying and relying on God more really made all the difference in my daily schedule. Although, I think Satan took it as a personal challenge to deter me in any way possible, which was hard. But God provided miracles, tender mercies, strength, and peace, and for that I'm grateful.

Journal: One night I turned to Jayze and showed him the dates on my journal. I told him, "I love it when it's like this," and proceeded to show him that even though I missed a couple of days, I had written almost every night. There's something special about preserving your own life. It helps me to go back and read and see that yes, I did learn and grow when I thought I hadn't.

Outside: On Sunday, Jayze had a church meeting in the evening, so it was just me and the kids. Aidan was dying to go outside, and to be honest, I was too. There's something so magical and serene about the evening air. The sun was just about to go down, but still warm on my face. It smelled like fall. The grass was turning poky, but still soft beneath our bare feet. Aidan could hardly contain his happiness as I chased him around the grass outside; Kimball giggling as he bounced on my hip. At one point, Aidan took my hand and steered me across the parking lot to where more grass and trees were. It was a joyful moment, and I'm glad we took advantage of the beautiful evening.

Less time on phone: This was a struggle for me, especially on the days Aidan didn't take a nap and I really needed a break to retain my sanity. I'd set up a little video for Aidan and then check my email, catch up on text messages, and check in with Facebook and Instagram. I feel like those things are fine, but not at my child's expense. I'm planning to come up with other activities this week to help both Aidan and me with the daily boredom that comes from not having a car every day. Any fun, indoor or outdoor activity ideas are welcome!

Smile more: As I made a conscious effort to not take things too seriously, my mom-load lightened. When Aidan wouldn't listen or get into things he knew he wasn't supposed to, I'd take a deep breath and try to find the humor in it all, or at least be as patient as I could (again, not perfect). The other day I came back from the bathroom to find Aidan in Kimball's room, with his sunglasses on, sucking on Kimball's pacifier, and going through my jewelry box. I really wish I had had my camera, but that moment will forever be filed away because it was so funny.

Look for the good: There was so much good this week. There were also hard and stressful times, but really, it was mostly good. I think Satan is a big mean-o and when he gets me to look at the bad, that's all I see. But when I look at the good, it's really not as bad I think. Things worked out, some nights my belly was sore from laughing so hard, and the perfectionist in me shrugged off the non-essential things like leaving a couple of dishes in the sink or the clothes in the dryer until the next day.

All in all, this was such a good exercise for me. On hard days, I found myself led again to my posted goals and became motivated to accomplish them. I believe it is empowering to write down goals and dreams, and I plan to do it more in the future.

In other news, Kimball rolled over for the first time yesterday! I jumped for joy and whooped and cheered, and Aidan got in on all the excitement too. Way to go K-man.

Right after rolling over for the first time.

New Goals

Lately, my thoughts have been scattered, and it has been hard to put my feelings into words. I think that writer's block is a real thing, and I'm trying to take Stephen King's advice of, "You must not come lightly to a blank page" (On Writing).

It seems that the past few weeks - probably ever since we moved to Kansas - I've had up and down days. One day I'll be super motivated and get so many things done. I'll happily check things off my to-do list and feel proud of what I accomplished that day. Then the next day I'm in a slump. The crushing, overwhelming realization of all I still need to do hits me. The motivation I had the previous day leaves, and I end up feeling discouraged about my seemingly poor efforts in my roles as a mother, homemaker, and wife. It has been quite the roller coaster, to say the least.

"When you're in a Slump, 

you're not in for much fun. 

Un-slumping yourself is not easily done."

(Dr. Seuss, Oh the Places You'll Go!)

Many different thoughts and ideas have crossed my mind of what I can do to do better and be better - as a person in society, in church, and in my home. Yet, it seems there's not enough time in the day, and my priorities tend to get off course. It has been a struggle finding the precarious balance between giving my all to all of my different roles. 

As I've pondered this and more, one thought that keeps coming back is to just keep working on myself and everything will work out. Don't waste my time comparing myself to others and utilize my time for improving me. So, naturally, the question popped up, "What can I do to improve me when I already have so many things to do that others need?" 

For example, moving to-do's like car registration, unpacking boxes, and organizing in such a small space, and so on. Daily to-do's like feeding my kids, changing diapers, playing with my kids, dishes, dinner, laundry, and cleaning the house. All of these "to-do's" affect me and make me feel less stressed when they're done, but I'm left wondering when I can do simple things for me, like reading my scriptures, taking a shower, painting my nails (anyone who knows me knows I love painting my nails), blogging, exercising, sometimes even brushing my teeth (gross, I know).

Sometimes a mom/wife life is hard. It's stretching yourself thin, making sure everyone else is okay first and then checking in with you. So, since I've been feeling a little stretched thin lately and want to find balance between it all, I've decided to set new goals to help me un-slump myself and be motivated at least 80% of the time, instead of 50%. 

My list is small and simple, but do-able. These are what I'm going to work on this week, and next week I'll check in with how I did.

• Get up at six every morning and exercise (a goal both my husband and I have set).
• Pray more. Even if I can only do it in my heart at certain times. Try to kneel and say my prayers out loud as much as possible.
• Write in my journal every evening.
• Get outside with the kids more, especially Aidan. 
• Spend less time on my phone.
• Smile more. Be happy. Don't take things too seriously. Some things just aren't worth getting mad over.
• Look for the good.

"Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time."

~Thomas A. Edison~ 

Pictures from yesterday while waiting for Jayze to get off work.

Celebrating Aidan

Aidan turned two years old on September 25. I don't think words can ever express how much love I have for him in my heart. He is my bright light, my little fire of hope, and I love him so.

He is obsessed with cars and trucks. He loves planes and making animal sounds. He also loves throwing and kicking balls. His vocabulary has taken off, and he says so many words now in addition to learning new words every day.

His imagination has taken off, too. I'll walk in on him playing and interacting with his stuffed animals or making his cars and trucks crash. At lunch time, bananas turn into planes, and at dinner time pasta turns into revving cars.

Aidan is the sweetest little boy. Lately he wants to pray at the most random times. The other day I walked into the living room to him kneeling down by the coffee table with his arms folded, a little mumble jumble escaping his lips, and a very pronounced, resounding "Amen!" at the end.

He has the cutest, cheesiest, funniest smile and the most adorable, contagious belly laugh. He loves it when Jayze and I wrestle with him on the floor, chase him around the apartment, and drive his trucks around with him. His dad and I essentially turn into jungle gyms whenever we lay on the floor or couch.

He also enjoys books so.much. If I tell him no to watching a movie and ask him if he wants to read a book instead, his face lights up, and he runs to his room yelling, "Booooooooook!" If I'm changing Kimball's diaper or busy with something else and can't read to him when he asks, he'll read the book by himself and is so good at it. My inner English nerd is pretty much overjoyed at how much Aidan loves books.

Ever since he was old enough to understand Jayze and me more (I don't remember his exact age - possibly a little over a year old), when we would put him to bed, he would just talk and talk in his little voice words only children his age, angels, or Heavenly Father understood. Sometimes he would laugh and laugh as if someone were making faces at him or playing peek-a-boo. Even now, at two years old, he'll giggle and laugh and talk as if someone was there playing with him. Every time it makes me wonder if it's Alma. Children are so close to heaven, and I'd like to think it is Alma in there with Aidan, establishing a brotherly bond even though they are apart. It makes me smile, and I can't wait to see if the same thing happens with Kimball.

On rainy days or while dinner is in the oven and we're waiting for Daddy to come home, Aidan and I will snuggle on the couch and watch Mormon Messages (we've probably watched the "truck one" aka "Bearing Our Burdens With Hope" about a million times) or little clips of Disney on YouTube. His favorite movie, though, is definitely Cars, with Planes being a close second.

He is the cutest little helper. If he sees me unloading the dishwasher, he's quick to pick up a dish and hand it to me while I put it away until the dishwasher is empty. When it's time to switch over the laundry from the washer to the dryer, he'll stand at the open dryer and I'll hand clothes to him one by one and he'll put them in. He loves to firmly shut the dryer door when I say, "All done!"

He is the most meticulous toddler I've seen. He's been that way since he was a baby. I know I need to vacuum when he comes up to me with a crumb or piece of lint squished between two fingers and asks, "Trash?" and when I say yes, happily puts it in the trash. Little things like that in other areas as well don't escape him, and I think it's safe to say that if he had a resume, "attention to detail" would be on it.

There are so many more things I could say about my little man. The way he gives me a hug (and he is not a natural hugger or cuddler) when he sees me cry. Running his daily run from the kitchen to his room and back again. The way he imitates whatever Jayze and I are doing. His hunger for learning. How bittersweet him growing up is for me. His calm, reserved nature and (mostly) quiet happiness.

Happy Birthday, Aidan buddy. I'm so grateful for the light and hope you helped bring back into my life. I love you forever my sweet boy.

 

 

4 Month Stats

Good news! Drum roll please....we now have a pediatrician for the kids!

I am SO excited! I have been stressing about this since we moved from Rexburg. Babies need to go to the doctor so often, and I have missed keeping Kimball up on his vaccinations and knowing his growth rate.

Even though Kimball turns five months old in four days, today was technically his four month visit. So, here are his four month stats.

Height: 25.5 inches (31%)

Weight: 17 lbs 7 oz. (69%)

Head: 17.05 inches (74%)

He is definitely a growing boy! He already fits into 6-month clothes and into 9-month pajamas. I was kind of excited when he started fitting into 6-month clothes, though, because we have such cute outfits in that size. And he has two teeth! (both are on the bottom) Babies growing up definitely comes with a bittersweet feeling.

Some of Kimball's favorite things:

• Grabbing onto his feet. Aidan never did that without some prodding from me, so it's been really fun to see how much Kimball does it on his own. 
• Attention. 
• Smiling.
• Talking and being talked to.
• Chewing on his fingers.
• Being tickled.
• Having his diaper changed and getting dressed.
• Being held. Seriously, he is my cuddly baby, and I can't get enough of it. 
• Grabbing onto things like my hair, my face, my shirt, his toys, Aidan's toys, his blanket, his burp cloth, his bib, his pants...pretty much anything within his reach.
• Getting his hair brushed.
• Taking naps. Although he has an aversion to sleeping very long in his car seat when it's not in a moving vehicle (aka stroller or van).
• Watching Aidan run and play. 
• Standing. Sometimes he'll only burp after eating while he's standing up.

 I'm eagerly anticipating how he'll react to solid foods. We'll try rice cereal soon.

All in all, Kimball is a very chill, sweet baby. I love his gray/blue eyes, his dark hair, the way he loves his family, and all of the milestones he's reached and will reach in the very near future.

What Matters Most

I was out in the foyer sitting with Aidan because he had screamed yet again during Sacrament Meeting. I held him close and tried to listen to the speaker. He was telling his conversion story, and I always love hearing those. I was only able to hear bits and pieces, but one specific one that made it through caught my attention, "My mother was Catholic and always wanted her son to receive the priesthood. She passed away a few years before I joined the [LDS] Church. She was not able to be there physically when I, her son, eventually received the priesthood...but I know she was there."

That last phrase caught my attention because it was so familiar. I've heard similar phrases so many times from people about their loved ones who have passed on. Phrases like:

 "I know my mom was there at my wedding." 

"I felt my dad close by when I graduated college - one of the dreams he had for me."

"My grandpa is my guardian angel."

I've said phrases like that myself about Alma. He's been there during especially tough moments when I've wanted to give up, and he's also been there during special and sacred moments. I know I have felt him close by.

As I sat there in the foyer and thought about how people are able to feel their loved ones, who have passed on, close by (and this isn't unique just to Mormons), it occurred to me that the veil is thinner than we think. It was probably more of a reminder, but it's true! Sometimes I feel like the veil between me and God and my loved ones is a wrought-iron door, but in reality we have angels all around us. And I think that especially includes our loved ones. Sometimes it's just easy to forget as time goes by.

Because it's so easy to forget, I love moments of remembrance. The moments of silence, remembering and respecting those who have lost their lives for our country, or who lost their lives in a senseless shooting or bombing. Or at funerals and memorial services when people speak softly and reverently, trying to keep the spirit of their loved one close by as long as they can before the day-to-day distractions and hustle and bustle somehow whisk him or her away.

I love those moments because it's when people pause and...remember.

Remember their loved ones.
Remember the event.
Remember that this life is not the end.
Remember that we will get to see our loved ones again!

Ever since Alma passed away, it seemed that people wanted us to move forward...move on...get past this...heal right away...because life goes on whether you want it to or not. After someone you love dies, the world just keeps right on spinning, even though it feels like you're stuck in one spot and you're not ever going to move again. You wonder, how can the world go on and expect you to go on? People want you to be the same and are disappointed when you aren't. But how can one be the same and move on after such a life-altering experience?

The truth is, you can't.

Sometimes I get caught up in the desire to be who I was before Alma died. Retain the innocence I lost and not feel a tightening in my throat every time someone asks me how many children I have. Or be able to say without any hesitancy and a smile on my face, "Three boys," rather than having to say with a brave face, "Two boys, with their brother watching over us in heaven."

But I'll never be the same.

My life changed the minute I saw the positive sign on the pregnancy test, the first time I felt Alma kick, and the moment when the nurse couldn't find his beautiful, perfect heartbeat.

And more and more I'm realizing that it's okay that I'll never be the same.

Looking back on how much Heavenly Father has taught me and shown me, I don't want to be the same. Realizing this reminded me of the story about the class criticizing the Martin handcart company. After hearing the story a few years ago, one survivor's quote stuck with me:

"The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company."

("Refined in Our Trials," James E. Faust, 2006)

I've learned - and am still learning - that becoming acquainted with God is such a beautiful thing. He transforms us through our trials. Heartbreak can be a beautiful thing, because the Savior is there to heal us! He can heal any heartbreak that we encounter, and even more - he helps us along in the process.

 
President Uchtdorf told a sweet story about "Great-Aunt Rose" that touched my heart. This part stood out to me:

"Aunt Rose smiled. 'I discovered faith. And faith led to hope. And faith and hope gave me confidence that one day everything would make sense, that because of the Savior, all the wrongs would be made right. After that, I saw the path before me wasn't as dreary and dusty as I had thought. I began to notice the bright blues, the verdant greens, and the fiery reds, and I decided I had a choice - I could hang my head and drag my feet on the dusty road of self-pity, or I could have a little faith, put on a bright dress, slip on my dancing shoes, and skip down the path of life, singing as I went..."

'Faith in the Savior taught me that no matter what happened in the past, my story could have a happy ending...

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."

(Revelations 21: 3-4, emphasis added)

Trying to have faith in my Savior has taught me that, like Aunt Rose and despite the tragedy of losing Alma, my story can have a happy ending. The Lord promised that very thing when He said:

"But blessed are they who are faithful and endure, whether in life or in death, for they shall inherit eternal life" (D&C 50:5).  

And that's what I want - eternal life. I want to be with my angel again. I want to hold him in my arms and experience him every.single.day. Until then, Alma helps me keep an eternal perspective. He is our angel on the other side of the veil cheering on his family. He's there encouraging us to not give up so that we can all be together as a family.

Because, really, what matters most on both sides of the veil is family.

Whether you're old, young, married, single, divorced, widowed, male, female, teenager, child...whatever...you have family rooting for you - on both sides. Angels are all around us, give them a chance. Like Aunt Rose, choose faith, hope, and confidence in the Savior, because He is the one who provided a way for us to be with our families again.

Because of Him, I'll get to see my Alma. Because of Him, all wrongs can be made right. Because of Him, all tears will be washed away. Because of Him, joy can be found in the journey now.

 

January 1, 2016

4 months

Kimball is four months old! He turned four months on Sept. 10. Sometimes it seems like it has gone by fast, but for the most part, it feels like it has gone by very slowly. Probably because we've moved two times, traveled across eight states, been in three different time zones, and lived in three different places since he was born (ID, MI, KS).

It feels like a lifetime since he was born, so sometimes I'm like, "He's only four months old?" and other times I'm like, "Four months old already!" The latter happens when I'm digging through bigger clothes to replace the ones bursting at the seams.

A few things about our sweet Kimball during his fourth month with us.

No pediatrician yet (working on it!!!)

Sucking on both fists all the time - he might be teething

Almost rolling over (from back to front)

Trying to get him to sleep all the way through the night. Right now I get up with him once around 4 or 5, feed him, then he goes back to sleep. I'm hoping to get him to where he sleeps all the way till 7:00.

Still eating 5oz every 3-3.5 hours - we might up it to 6oz here pretty soon

Loves playing pat-a-cake and peek-a-boo

Loves being tossed in the air.

Jayze is playing peek-a-boo with Kimball. (don't mind our moving mess)

Loves attention

Loves watching his older brother

Loves standing

Loves cooing and talking

Loves being held

Loves getting baths in the sink - not so much in the bathtub

No longer needs to be swaddled! 

Freedom!

Still takes his pacifier. Mostly when he's about to go to sleep. It's still a love-hate relationship.

Has a little mullet going on

Doesn't sleep well in the car seat (unless we're on a road trip) or the bouncer - he prefers his bed or mine or Jayze's arms

 Doesn't like being left out

Still spits up, but is a good burper

Getting better at tummy time

Does this angle make my head look big?

Is getting more and more aware. Whenever I pull the phone out to take a picture of him, he stops smiling, talking, and laughing and stares at the phone.

So smiley

Very ticklish

In general, a really calm, sweet baby. He really only cries when he's hungry, has a wet/messy diaper, or is tired - but in all honesty, who doesn't? :)

We are all so in love with this little baby. Although Aidan prefers to ignore Kimball most of the time, I can tell he misses him when he asks, "Baby?" when Kimball is sleeping or if I'm out with just Aidan. Aidan likes giving Kimball knuckles, kissing Kimball goodnight, and playing patta-cake with him. When he thinks I'm not watching, Aidan will try to give Kimball a cracker (or whatever Aidan is eating at the time) or one of Aidan's stuffed animals. So darn cute.

When your bouncer isn't unpacked and there aren't any couches, this is where you put the baby. :) He was a good sport.

The grief that came with Aidan hasn't been nearly as strong with Kimball. I think it's because we've had so much on our plate since Kimball was born that when the random moments of grief come, I take them as they come and move on. But since we've moved to Kansas, I've been missing Alma more. I've had time to think of what it would be like to mother three boys in our small apartment, notice the different features Kimball has that remind me of Alma, and figure out how to respond to those who say, "Two boys?" The grief makes me even more present and aware of how fleeting life is and how truly grateful I am to have Kimball. Labor and delivery with him was so scary and emotionally taxing. Every time I look at him, I think of what a beautiful baby he is and think of what a miracle it is to hold him in my arms and celebrate each milestone. I also pray every night that he'll have a relationship with Alma. When I see Kimball giggling and smiling at no one in particular, I think that my prayer is being answered.

Love you Kimball-Bimball. I'm so glad I get to experience you.