This past week has been a little bit of an emotional roller coaster. It seems that the closer I get to having this baby, the more anxious I get. I get flashbacks of what happened with Alma. And while I love remembering Alma - the moments when I had him and got to hold him - I don't love what happened. It was so hard, and right now my due date is looming. We're so excited to have this baby, but it's taking more and more effort to be excited rather than just wanting it to be over with. I'm trying to not let fear take over and trying to envision taking another baby home, but some days are better than others. So, like my last pregnancy, I'm focusing on the good this week:
Doctors and Nurse Practioners:
My doctors and nurse practioners are the best. When I go to doctor appointments, I feel loved and cared for. After doing the routine checkup, one of my doctors asked me how my head was. I took a deep breath while tears pooled in my eyes and answered, "Um, okay," and could only nod after that. He let me know that they are in this with me. I'm not alone. Everyone wants a good outcome - a baby in my arms I can take home with me. I am in their prayers. It was just what I needed to hear. I'm so grateful for my doctors.
Warm Weather:
With Alma and Aidan, I was in my third trimester throughout the entire summer. This time around, it's been fun to be in my third trimester with summer right around the corner. It makes me look forward to walking outside with Aidan and the new baby, as well as having precious sunlight stream through my windows.
Ultrasounds:
The other day I told the ultrasound tech, "These just kill me! They make me want to hold my baby right now!" It's been the best being able to see my baby so often. The other day he had his tiny fist clenched and close to his face, and it was just the sweetest thing.
Braxton Hicks:
Just this past week I've had lots of Braxton Hicks. They put me into major nesting mode. I told my mom, "All of a sudden, I feel like I need to make freezer meals, wash baby clothes, set up the pack 'n play, and vacuum my whole house!" In fact, I want to vacuum every single day "just in case." Yes, definitely in major nesting mode.
Which leads me right into the next point...
Prepping for the Baby:
There's something so hard about prepping for a baby after losing a baby. I hated packing all of Alma's things away. We also left the crib up for a couple of months after he was born with the glider and ottoman right by it. I would get home from school, sit in the glider while holding his blanket, and just cry. So, it really does take an act of faith preparing for the baby. There's always the "what if" in the back of my mind. But a couple of days ago I got out the baby clothes, bibs, wash cloths, tiny socks, and blankets and washed, dried, folded, and put them all away. It was a first step to preparing and has made me want to keep preparing.
p.s. Those baby clothes are tiny! I can't believe Aidan was that small!
Sleep:
I'm so grateful Aidan sleeps through the night, because I'm already up every 3-4 hours going to the bathroom and waking up from crazy dreams. I'm trying to take advantage of the sleep I get now, but also mentally prepare for not getting sleep when the baby gets here.
P90X Stretch:
Who knew pregnant people could do P90X? :) Yesterday, Jayze and I decided to exercise during Aidan's naptime. We popped in P90X Stretch, and it felt wonderful! Even though I wasn't able to do some of the stretches, I was able to do a majority of them. It was just what my body and mind needed.
Prayers and Scriptures:
As I've really tried to pray and study my scriptures daily, I have felt an abiding peace. The Lord is with me. No matter what happens, He won't let me down. He has never let me down. He is with me every step of the way, and I am so grateful for Him. Whenever I'm struggling, it seems like the scriptures I read that day were written just for me. And they were! Whenever I get down on my knees and pour out my heart, I feel my Savior's love. I'm so, so grateful for prayers and scriptures.
This is an exciting time. I'm excited to see Aidan be an older brother, excited to smell that glorious newborn smell, excited to change millions of diapers a day, and excited to be a mom all over again.
I'm trying to be aware of the small and simple things in my life - baby kicks, milestones Aidan reaches, Jayze getting to be home more now that he's graduated, time with friends, sweet and tender mercies...these moments are small but make up to become big, beautiful things in my life. And what a beautiful life it is.
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