It ended up being a big deal.
There it is - a mountain of a hill that gradually becomes steeper and steeper - looms in front of me every single day when I get off work. It is about a third of a mile long, and of course the wind is always against me as I climb it. Imagine a pregnant woman trying to keep her purse on her shoulder with one hand and her skirt down with the other. It leads to a stooped over, hobbling up-the-hill, out-of-breath, grumpy pregnant woman. Every single day.
But the options are to climb the stupid
It's kind of funny really. I get off work, hoist my purse higher up on my shoulder so it stays there, turn off my phone so I don't have any distractions, and plow ahead. My eyes are located a few feet in front of me, and I concentrate on putting one step in front of the other. As I walk, I mutter to myself, "It's okay. You got this. This hill doesn't have ANYTHING on you! Don't let it beat you down! Don't let it win! It's not even that steep. Almost there...look, the parking lot is in view!"
Yes, I do give myself a pep talk.
A couple of weeks ago I was having a really hard day. Things just weren't going right, and I felt really down and discouraged. By the end of work, I was ready to go home and crash. I didn't want to think about making dinner or even eating dinner, doing the dishes, cleaning up our cluttered house, or anything. It was all just too overwhelming that day.
Five o'clock finally came, I signed off, and headed out the door.
And when I walked outside and started in the direction of the parking lot, there it was again - that stupid hill.
I didn't think I could take it. My feet were heavy and didn't want to move, and it seemed like my whole body was resisting walking up that steep hill. It was windy, and my eyes were tired and couldn't handle the dirt flying into them. All I wanted to do was sit down and not walk up that stupid hill.
But, I weighed the options again and decided I didn't want to sit somewhere on campus for an hour waiting for Jayze to get off work and began the upward journey.
I kept moving forward knowing that each step got me closer to the sanctuary of my car. I knew if I stopped moving, I would stop for good. But it was so incredibly hard that day. About halfway up the hill, tears started rolling down my cheeks, and I felt like I couldn't go one more step.
I lifted up my head to see how much farther I had to go and if it was even worth walking up the rest of the way when something white caught my eye.
https://www.lds.org/media-library/images/temples/rexburg-idaho?lang=eng
The temple.
Somehow seeing it helped me keep going. I knew I wasn't going to go all the way to the temple because the free parking lot isn't as far as that, but somehow just seeing it gave me the strength to hang on. To keep going step by step. To not lose hope.
As I renewed my concentration of putting one step in front of the other, I remembered that my family is forever. I remembered the covenants I made with Jayze and my Heavenly Father the day Jayze and I were sealed for time and all eternity in the temple. I remembered that Alma is sealed to us too, and I'll get to see him again someday. I remembered that the baby inside of me is sealed to us, and whether he lives or dies, he is still part of our forever family.
Somehow, I made it. I was still crying, there was still dirt flying in my eyes, and my feet still felt heavy, but that day I really did have victory over that stupid hill.
I opened the car door and practically collapsed in the driver's seat, still out of breath. I glanced again at the temple that had given me renewed strength and the quote came to my mind:
"You are never lost when you can see the temple. The temple will provide direction for you and your family in a world filled with chaos. It is an eternal guidepost which will help you from getting lost in the 'mist of darkness'" ("Sacred Homes, Sacred Temples," Elder Gary E. Stevenson, April 2009).
Climbing that hill is nothing compared to the every day "mountain" I climb each day. The mountain of not being able to hold Alma every day. The mountain of waking up and knowing no tiny hands are reaching out for me, needing me. The mountain of knowing I gave birth to a baby, but no evidence of it happening. Yes, there are pictures on my shelf, but there's no carseat in my car, no toys strewn across the front lawn or across my living room carpet, no pile of baby clothes waiting to be washed, no children's books in our book collection...
Even though we have had a baby, Jayze and I are already empty nesters. I know what it's like being pregnant and giving birth, but I don't know what it's like actually taking care of my baby. Some people talk to me like it's my first pregnancy, and I talk to others like it's my first baby; when in reality, neither of those are true.
Like the temple quote says, some days my world is filled with chaos. Some days I feel lost and without direction or hope. Some days are dark, and I just want to give up and not take one step further up my mountain. Trying to heal from the loss of my firstborn baby and trying to find hope in my pregnancy after that loss has been difficult, to say the least. Deep down I know Alma is okay and that my Heavenly Father is really aware of me, but it doesn't mean I don't miss my baby.
Mountains come in all shapes and sizes and none of us are exempt from climbing our own, personal mountain. Everyone has a story. Everyone is struggling with something. Whether it's trying to fight an addiction, feeling depressed all the time, being spread thin because of all the activities you have going on in your life, fighting with a sibling, wondering what school to go to after you graduate high school, trying to heal from the loss of a loved one, feeling lonely, wondering if God is really there...
...and so many more...
Yet, I know that as we climb our mountains and make the effort by keeping the temple, eternal priorities, and God in sight, then we will be able conquer those mountains. We will be able to come out on top.
You will be able to look up the mountain from the bottom and know that with grit and determination you can climb that mountain and succeed.
Because front and center, God and angels are giving us a pep talk, too: "Don't give up. Almost there. You're getting so strong. We're right here with you. We love you."
Then when the mountain levels out, and you're finally able to catch your breath, you will know that you can do hard things. You will know that it was worth it.
So I'm going to keep climbing my hill every day. God and his angels are with me - I am not alone.
"If we have faith in Jesus Christ, the hardest as well as the easiest times in life can be a blessing"
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