AZ Trip Round 2

Jayze's family had an VERY eventful weekend, so we were able to go down to Arizona again. It was so.fun.

On the way down, we did the trip in one go, but this time we did it from noon to about three in the morning. We decided to travel during the night so that Aidan would sleep most of the time. It was harder and easier - less diaper changes and feedings, but Jayze and I were more tired. However, it worked out pretty well, and I'm glad we did it that way.

We traveled down Thursday, got there super early Friday morning, slept, and chilled at the Flake's house for most of the morning after we woke up. It was a nice relaxing morning. The only thing we were disappointed in was the weather. I had looked up the predicted weather for the weekend and was excited when I saw 70 degrees across the board. I packed shorts for Aidan and short-sleeve shirts for Jayze and me. But I think winter and spring are still fighting it out (with spring slowly winning) because it was windy, rainy, and cold (mostly just Friday).

Friday night was Jayze's sister's high school graduation. At first we braved the weather and brought Aidan along with us, but we ended up leaving after the speeches. It was Aidan's bedtime and he was the only one making noise in the stadium (it seemed), so we dropped him off at my parents so that we could come back and congratulate Katie and take pictures.

I forgot to hand off my phone for pictures of the graduate (Katie) and all the family and friends there to support her. Just know that it was a huge crowd; she is definitely loved!

Saturday morning, my other sis-in-law, Molly, went through the temple and received her endowments. She is going on a mission to Oregon on August 12. It was wonderful being in the Snowflake Temple again. It's where I received my endowments and where Jayze and I were sealed for time and all eternity. Special promises and covenants are made in the temple, and it was a sacred and special experience being there for Molly's first time through. And wouldn't you know, I forgot to hand off my phone again for pictures after the session was over! I'm glad others got pictures.

Saturday afternoon was Jayze's family's branding tradition. Jayze was looking forward to it, but Aidan was down for a nap after we got back from the temple. Jayze wanted Aidan and me to go with him to experience branding for the first time, but Aidan ended up sleeping for a couple of hours and we missed it. I felt bad we didn't get to go. Those who went had a great experience. Despite not going, it was fun catching up with more family and friends at Travis and Teresa's house while eating yummy food. 

After lunch, Jayze and I went to visit Alma's grave. The weather was overcast, but thankfully no rain while we were there. It felt good to be back visiting after just a few weeks. We got some good smiles out of Aidan. He tried tasting the grass and played with the flowers and frog on Alma's grave. He seemed to enjoy just being there.

While we were there, all I felt was peace. Although it wasn't yet Memorial Day, it felt good to remember all those who died for our country and freedoms, as well as family members who have also passed on. I'm so grateful for the Plan of Salvation and that families are eternal. Death is not the end - we will see Alma and our other loved ones again.

On Saturday night, Jayze and I spent some time with my parents. They have an awesome projector, and we watched some shows on it. After watching movies and shows with the projector, Jayze and I have seriously considered getting one. Seriously. :) Okay, not right now, but really, it was so.fun.

It was late when we got home from my parent's house. We hurried and transferred Aidan from the car seat to the pack 'n play, shut the door, and waited for him to fall asleep again. While we waited, we sat and talked with Jayze's parents. It was nice being able to sit down and spend one-on-one time with them. 

The next morning was church. Jayze's brother, Levi, just recently returned from his two-year mission in Guatemala and gave his "Homecoming" talk. There was a sister missionary leaving for her mission, and she spoke as well. With two missionaries speaking, the chapel was packed. Jayze and I were glad we went early so we could snag good seats. Levi did a great job speaking. I felt the Spirit so strongly, and my testimony was strengthened as he bore his testimony. It was another sacred moment.

After church was the luncheon, with more yummy food. Seriously, I ate way too much this whole trip.

Then came....pictures! Lots of them. But being from the McCleve clan, it didn't seem like too many. ;) Jayze's whole family hadn't been together in one spot for almost six years, so taking family pictures was pretty much essential. Prepare yourself for cuteness and picture overload.

Left to right: Crue, Clark (holding Gideon), Jack (holding Aidan) and Ty. They also took a picture of the granddaughters, but I don't have that picture. These boys are so stinkin' cute, though.

Left to right: Jewel, Danica (in-law), NaElle, Katie, Daliah, Molly, me (in-law)

Left to right: Shiloh, Noah, Jayze, McKay, Levi, Steve (in-law), Cody (in-law), Abe

Original family, Back row left to right: Noah, McKay, Shon, Levi, Molly Jayze, Shiloh. Front row left to right: Daliah, Jewel, Katie, Pam, NaElle, Abe

The whole clan including in-laws and grandkids (too many to label)

The pictures turned out beautiful. I'm glad we took the time to take them.

Before we left, we said bye to my parents. This is significant because this is where we found out that Aidan LOVES pickles. My dad was trying to trick him and wanted to see Aidan make a funny face, but it turns out that Aidan just wanted more! Needless to say, we took a pickle on our trip back home. :)

Aidan and Papa

On Monday (Memorial Day) we caravanned with the Stinnett's (Jayze's sister and brother-in-law) and Jayze's brother, Noah. We got off on a good start, but when we hit Price Canyon the traffic was incredible. I had never been in traffic that bad before. I told Jayze that the roads were like a nose with a cold--super congested. 

Because of that, we didn't get home until well past midnight. Despite that, it was still a good trip. Aidan had only one meltdown, and the trip did seem to go by faster when we traveled with other family members.

And this little guy turned 8 months old on Memorial Day. I felt like that was pretty fitting for our family. I'll post more updates on his 8-month personality in the next post.

All in all, it was a great Memorial Day Weekend. I'm so grateful for my wonderful in-laws and that we were able to spend time with my parents as well. Yay for family! :)

Healthy Goals

Last semester, Jayze and I hardly exercised at all. Sometimes we would be too tired to make dinner, so we would pick up some fast food on the way home. With balancing homework, taking care of Aidan, household responsibilities, church callings, and everything else, it was hard to make exercise and eating healthy priorities.

One day while I was driving home, I saw an advertisement for the Teton Dam Marathon hosted in Rexburg. I hadn't run for so long, so I thought it might be fun to train for the half marathon. I talked with Jayze about it, and we realized we would have to start training right then because it was close to the end of the semester or train really hard for two months after I graduated. We were so close to signing up, but seeing as how out of shape we were, we decided to bag the idea. Two months was just too short amount of time to train for where we were at physically.

Because we didn't sign up for the half marathon, we came up with a different idea. We made it a goal to do some sort of exercise every single day (except Sundays) for one month and skip out on all desserts and sweets for the same amount of time. One motivation (besides getting healthy) was that once the month was over, we could go shopping for new clothes. As poor college students, we haven't bought new clothes for a while, so that was a pretty good motivator.

So now I'm here to tell you that we did it! We started April 20 and just ended May 20. I didn't realize how often I craved sweets until we started. Usually we would have some sort of sweet after almost every dinner. I also realized that it is a lot easier to exercise in the mornings than in the evenings, although a lot of the time I had to exercise in the evening because I would go back to sleep after feeding Aidan in the morning. That's another goal I need to work on--becoming a morning person.

Jayze lost a few pounds, and I lost a couple of pounds a quite a few inches. Jayze ran, did push-ups, squats, crunches, and other at-home types of exercises. I got TurboFire for Christmas one year (a Beachbody work out), and decided to roughly go off of that schedule, as well as walk and jog. The kickboxing/HIIT/strengthening was just what my body was craving. I wish we had taken before and after pictures, but I figured it was okay since we weren't doing anything super hardcore.

We both feel stronger, healthier, more confident, and more motivated to keep up a healthier lifestyle. It's extremely empowering to do things our bodies deserve.

Now for buying some new clothes. :) 

 Approaching the Throne of God with Confidence, October 2014

Tulips

It's tulip season again, and I love it.

Last year I remember all the colorful tulips waving at me as I drove or walked by. They are beautiful flowers. I love how rich their color is and how they come in all different colors. I also love them because for some reason they remind me of Alma. Call me crazy, but ever since we unexpectedly discovered tulips in front of our house and I left a tulip on Alma's grave, their presence reminds me of Alma every time I see them.

So I was pretty excited when I saw these beauties bloom again.

Thanks for saying hi, Alma.

Please ignore our weed-ridden plot. I keep forgetting to pull them up!

Mother to Not One, But Two

"I got a card in the mail today," I told Jayze as I walked through the door and set my backpack on the floor.

"Yeah? From who?" Jayze asked.

"It's for my birthday," I handed him the card and he read it as I walked away to put my coat in the closet. He called to me, "That was nice of them!"

I called back, "Yeah! I really appreciate it."

But something about it felt a little off, and I couldn't get one phrase out of my head:

"...and now you are an awesome mother! Happy Birthday!"

The simple word "now" stood out like a sore thumb. Now I'm an awesome mother? Wasn't I an awesome mother before? Or, at least a mother?

Was Alma already forgotten?

I went to bed that night thoughtful and restless. I kept mulling the phrase over and over again. Next to me was a beautiful, healthy baby boy, but he was not Alma. He would never be Alma. But didn't Alma count, too?

When Alma died, Jayze and I didn't plan to get pregnant for awhile. We were thinking to wait for a few months, maybe even a year before trying again. I was still heartbroken over losing Alma, and my emotions were too ragged and raw to even allow me to think about being pregnant again. How could I go through 9 months of anxiety with the possibility that my second baby could die too? My mind, heart, and body couldn't even fathom that possibility.

Yet, I longed for a baby...my baby. I longed for Alma. I longed to hold him in my arms again. I yearned to practice motherhood. I got jealous of all of the other mothers I saw on campus, at church, at the grocery store, out walking at the park with their babies in strollers. And not just jealous, but sad because that should have been me with a baby at all of those places, and he was gone. 

But I was and am still his mother.

When Aidan was born, I had a hard time dealing with the mix of feelings. I was so happy and relieved to finally have him here safely. I was so in love that I felt guilty. Here I had one child in my arms, another child in heaven, and enough love in my heart filled to bursting for both of them. Yet, I couldn't physically show my love to Alma. I felt bad because I thought I was suddenly forgetting about Alma. He was somehow slipping away from my memory and, seemingly, from my heart. I didn't know what to do. I cried, wishing he were here to run in and be as obsessed with his little brother as I was.

One night I was having a really hard time. I was trying to do homework, trying to learn how to nurse, trying not to feel guilty for giving Aidan formula, trying not to be stressed out, trying to balance it all - being a wife, a mother, a student, a visiting teacher, a daughter...just trying.

I was rocking Aidan in the dark, trying to get him used to nighttime. Jayze was in the other room doing homework. Aidan slowly finished eating and fell asleep in my arms. I didn't want to let him go. Tears coursed down my cheeks because suddenly I felt guilty. I felt guilty because in that moment I was wishing that I could hold Alma one more time. That all of my troubles and burdens could suddenly disappear. That I could worry about taking care of two kids instead of one.

Suddenly an overwhelming feeling came over me. Alma. My Alma. The same spirit I felt in the hospital and at the funeral home. But this time, there was a little bit of heaven in my home. Reminding me that I'm a mother to not only one, but two. That no matter where my children are, I am their mother.


Aidan is not Alma's replacement. I am not suddenly a mother now because Aidan was born. I became a mother when Alma was born, my firstborn. Just because he's not here and just because I can't practice being his mother here and now doesn't mean that the title is invalid.

Aidan will never be Alma's replacement because Aidan is not Alma. He is his own person. And any more children I have after Aidan won't be Alma either. No baby can ever replace him. Aidan has filled a piece of my heart, but the hole Alma left will never completely be filled until he is in my arms again. I will always long for him because I am his mother.

So this Mother's Day, I am not only celebrating the enormous blessing that I have the sacred opportunity to raise Aidan here on earth, but also the enormous blessing for the sacred experiences I have had and will have with my Alma and that he is our guardian angel. 

Aidan and Alma

AZ Trip

During Spring Break, Jayze and I braved the long 14-hour trip down to Arizona with Aidan...and it wasn't too bad! He did have a couple of meltdowns, but seeing as I don't even like being in the car that long, it was expected.

I also found out that an empty water bottle is very entertaining for a 6.5 month old.

My sister's wedding reception was down there, so we spent a lot of time with my family. But the pro of both Jayze's and my families living five minutes away from each other is that we got to see both families, so we actually spent a lot of time with both.

Another reason why it was good being back in Arizona again was that we finally got to visit Alma's grave again. It was Aidan's first time visiting it, so I was excited to see how he would react.

Brothers forever.

He loved the flowers, the grass, the little frog, and especially the big pinwheel. I almost felt like Alma was there playing, too. Words really can't describe how I felt having both of my boys there together. It made it even more real that they are brothers.

All he wanted to do was keep playing!

We're still working on getting a headstone, but I'm glad we have a little plate to mark where he is. It was such a good feeling being there as a whole family again. It's hard not having his grave close by. I really want Aidan to have a relationship with his brother, and I feel like it's a little harder to teach him about Alma when Alma's grave is so far away.

We were able to take away a keepsake for Aidan, though. Aidan kept playing with the daisies, and one of them popped off. He wanted to keep playing with it, so we let him. When it was time to go, I stuck it in my bag to bring it back to Idaho with us. 

Our attempt at a family picture.

 I hope many more visits are in our future.

BYU-Idaho Graduation

On Friday, April 10, 2015, I graduated from Brigham Young University-Idaho in English, Professional Writing with my minor in Home and Family Living. I am now officially an alumnus of BYU-I. It is such a bittersweet feeling because I have now lost my student status. I love school so much, and it has already been a little weird not having classes to go to or homework to do. BUT, it has already been awesome experiencing being a stay-at-home mom.

This past semester was the hardest yet. I took 12 credits, Jayze took 6 credits and worked part-time, and we both juggled watching Aidan. I still don't know when we did homework or how it all worked out. Before this semester I had never prayed so hard in my life to understand the material, be able to find time to do homework as well as household duties, and still be a good mom and wife. Aidan practically lived in the car seat for four months and Jayze made more dinners, changed more diapers, and got up more times with Aidan than I can count. One of my classes was supposed to be one of my easier classes, but actually ended up having double the workload thanks to it being an experiment class (why did I always seem to end up in those?) And another one of my classes was stress overload because of all the time and effort put into it. I look back and am amazed at everything Jayze and I were able to accomplish, and I wholeheartedly attribute Heavenly Father as to how everything was made possible.

All that said, the stress was totally worth it. Instead of focusing so much on grades like I normally did in past semesters, I made it a goal to focus on learning and turning in every assignment. Because of that, I was stretched to the limit (and probably even more) in all of my classes and still got good grades. I went out with a bang, and it felt oh.so.good. I can look back and have no regrets. Definitely a last hurrah to my student life.

By the end, it was like pulling teeth trying to be motivated to get every last homework assignment done. So I almost couldn't believe it when Friday came and that night I graduated.

Kudos to my awesome sis-in-law, Emily, for the pictures. Thank you!

 

As I walked into the BYU-Idaho Center for Commencement and walked down the aisle to my seat, all I felt was overwhelming sense of gratitude. As I sat down and listened to each speaker, I couldn't help the silent tears from falling. A wave of emotion swept over me because even just last semester I didn't know if I would ever earn my bachelor's degree. God is so good, and He knows me by name. He wanted me to succeed, I worked hard, and He made it all possible. Our little family could not have done it without Him. I will always be grateful to Him and look back on my college education with a deep knowledge that God is real, aware of my circumstances and goals, and is right there helping me along. Earning my bachelor's degree was more than just a "back up plan." It was a testimony builder, it provided knowledge I can use to teach my children, and it gave me knowledge for myself to progress and grow.

I was excited because all of my family on my side were able to come (immediate family). It was a jam-packed weekend. I graduated on Friday evening, and my sister got married the next day in the Rexburg Temple. My family hadn't been all together in one place for a few years, so it was awesome having everyone there. I really appreciated them coming to support me and my sister in two huge events in our lives.

Just missing the Andersen's. We saw them about ten minutes after this. We have all of us in another picture, but I don't have it. :)

My parents and me.

Jayze and Aidan were such troopers. Aidan didn't sleep the whole time, even though he was exhausted. Jayze played Mr. Mom again and took care of him through all of Friday evening and night. Although Aidan wasn't the happiest, I was glad he was awake to be in the pictures. We got a few smiles out of him, but he was pooped. I couldn't help, though, but look at my little family and feel even more love and gratitude. Last year when I was pregnant, I got off work at 5 p.m. the evening of graduation. As I walked out of the Kimball Building, I saw many almost graduates walking to Commencement. Among them were couples with one, two, three, and so on kids. That day I hoped with all my heart that one day that would be Jayze and me with our 6 month old at graduation. Well, that desire came true, and we had our 6-month-old Aidan there with us. Words really can't describe how blessed I felt.

A lot of people asked me if I had a job lined up after graduation. I almost felt pressured to say yes, but I was also excited to tell them that I am going to be a stay-at-home mom to my now 7 month old. Although I have missed working, and I already miss school, I'm excited to move on and stay home with Aidan. Maybe I'll find something I can do that allows me to work at home, but for now I'll just enjoy working on house projects, supporting Jayze in his school and work, and being a stay-at-home mom. Which, in my opinion, is the best job in the world.

I'm Back!

So, after over a month of not writing, I'm finally back!

After graduation, we didn't have internet for a little bit. Then it started working again. Then we went to Arizona for my sister's reception (another post in and of itself - 14 hours in a car with a baby - whew!). Then Jayze started school again and has had to take the computer every day to class, and has worked on homework at nights. Thus, no computer time for me. The cons of sharing one computer between us.

But I've made it a goal to start blogging again. Since I've been graduated, I haven't written at all and I feel like the things I've learned have already started lagging. And I feel like if I actually write my goal on here to blog and write in my journal, then it will actually happen. So much has happened, and I know I'll forget all of the details if I don't write them down.

As an English major, obviously I feel like writing is so important. But not just as an English major, but as a person in general. Even if someone feels like they can't write well, still write! I know that when I write every day, I get better at it. It's the same with exercising, reading, cooking, any goal really. I've learned in the past and am still learning now that consistency in setting and achieving goals is key.

I think another reason I haven't blogged as much is because writing exposes so much of me that it can be intimidating. I write to an imaginary audience, whether that's me or someone in my mind or just a general sense of the people who may read this. Yet, as I've read messages and comments from others who have read this blog, I have been inspired to keep writing. To keep exposing me because my imaginary audience isn't actually as imaginary as I thought.

So I'm going to keep writing because writing is a part of me. It's important, it's more than me in so many ways, and it's what helps me heal, laugh, cry, celebrate, savor, remember...

"In the end, [writing is] about enriching the lives of those who will read your work, and enriching your own life, as well. It's about getting up, getting well, and getting over. Getting happy, okay? Getting happy.” 

-Stephen King, On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft