"I'm thinking of going to see Mom and Dad. Would you want to come with me?"
I wasn't feeling particularly homesick, but I felt like it would be nice to see my parents again, spend some one-on-one time with my sister, and get away from Rexburg for a week. So, we booked the tickets, I said goodbye to Jayze (first time ever being away from each other since we started dating - so hard!), and we were off to Arizona.
It was good to be back in sunny and warm AZ. I love the smell of the valley, the hot sun on my face (I think I'm addicted to it after enduring Rexburg negative degree winters), and the familiarity of being in the town where I grew up.
As we pulled into town, I thought about being able to visit Alma's grave while I was there. I hadn't seen it in person since Christmas.
The week went by fast, and it wasn't until the end of the week when I finally made it to the grave. I wanted to visit it by myself and decided to make a quick trip to the cemetery before church started.
I jumped into my parent's van and drove to the cemetery. Butterflies danced in my stomach along with Alma's baby brother. What would it be like seeing Alma's grave again?
I parked in front of the cemetery and slowly got out of the van. A breeze flipped my hair around, and the dirt path crunched under my feet. I searched for the grave, nervous about what kind of condition it might be in.
And suddenly, there it was.
It was beautiful. It was smaller than I remembered, but decked out with flowers, pinwheels, and Easter eggs! I knelt down in the soft grass and placed my hand on it, hoping to feel Alma there. I couldn't stop the tears from coming - I was so grateful he wasn't forgotten. I was so grateful people put flowers on his grave when I couldn't. Then and there I knew that my small family was loved. It was a humbling sight to see, especially since I live so far away from him and I'm not able to visit on a regular basis.
As his mom, I wanted to do something special for him too. Would what I had bought for him be good enough?
My mind went back to the purchases I had made on Friday. My mom, dad, sister, grandma, and I had a picnic and made a trip to Walmart that day. While we were there, I was determined to get something for Alma's grave. However, at the flower section, the pickings were slim. I had been hoping to get some gerber daisies because those were the first flowers Jayze and I put on his grave, but there weren't any there. My mom helped me look around, and we finally spotted some white lilies that were farther down the aisle. It wasn't my first choice, but I grabbed one and then saw a yellow tulip peeking up behind the back of the other lilies. I grabbed that too, and with both flowers in my hand, I went back to where the other flowers were for a second look, hoping that maybe some daisies would miraculously show up. No such luck.
I wasn't fully satisfied and distractedly followed my mom to the craft section. What else could I get him?
As we were walking down the aisles, a wooden letter "A" caught my eye. I took it down from the wall, inspected it, and decided to think about getting it with the flowers as we kept walking around. It still didn't seem like enough. I told my mom I would be right back and went to the "party" section. Surely there had to be something there I could put on Alma's grave.
I found myself wandering around, walking from aisle to aisle. I kept picking up different things and then setting them down again. Nothing seemed right or special. Something felt weird. Then I realized what that weird feeling was.
I realized that I don't know what Alma likes. Does he like trucks? What's his favorite color? Is he into the Ninja Turtles?
I had a lily and a tulip in one hand and a wooden letter "A" in the other. Was it enough? Would he even like the flowers or the "A"?
Standing there in Walmart was a wake-up call for me. It made me remember that I only realize how much I don't know someone until I try to buy a gift for them. I struggled to not have a breakdown in public and had to walk around some more before going back to where my family was. How could I not know my own son?
I like symbols and connecting things. I like having a reason to buy something special. I looked down at the items I had picked out in my hand and determined what they could represent. Something that would have to be good enough...
- The white tiger lily represented Jayze's and my commitment to each other. They were the main flower at our wedding reception. Knowing that families can be together forever has kept me hopeful, and this flower represented that hope.
- The tulip represented a flower there at Alma's graveside and a flower at our home in Rexburg. When warmer weather came to Rexburg, Jayze and I unexpectedly found out we had tulip plants growing in front of the place we live in. Jayze was stoked! Every time someone came over, he would proudly ask them if they saw our tulips, even before they were in bloom. Plus, Rexburg itself was bursting with tulips. It seemed like everywhere we went - to campus, to and from our home, and at our home there were tulips softly waving to us in the slight breeze. I wanted something good to remind me of Alma when I went back to Rexburg, and I knew the yellow tulip would do the trick.
- Lastly, I picked the wooden "A" because it was something I could paint and personalize. It was something I, as his mom, could make something for my baby boy. We haven't been able to get a headstone yet, and my parents were the ones who thoughtfully made and put the name plate up, so I wanted something from me personally for my baby.
My mom put wires in both flowers to help them stick in the ground easier and stay upright. Once I painted the letter "A" a darkish blue, my dad helped me glue on a couple of wire sticks to that.
When I knelt down in the soft, green grass once again and lovingly stuck the flowers and "A" in his grave, I leaned back to see how they looked. They were beautiful. They were good enough, and they were the perfect touch from his momma and dad.
It's hard not knowing, really knowing, my son; however, in the end, all that matters is that I love him. And that he knows I love him.
It gave me a sweet and tender feeling knowing Alma's grave was showered with love from others and now from his mom and dad. I could walk away feeling relieved and comforted knowing others care about my small family and that I left my own mark on Alma's grave.
The day before Emily and I left to go back to Utah and Idaho, we (and my mom) were able to drive past his grave one more time. And guess what?
Even more flowers were there.
And when I got home, Jayze surprised me by having a bouquet of flowers on the table - complete with tiger lilies and daisies - with our tulips outside our front house.
I feel loved.
"The Lord does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs."
~Spencer W. Kimball ~
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