After nine long months of waiting, it still seems surreal that he is here. Everything went really well, but I think my mind and emotions are still trying to catch up that I really have a living, healthy baby with me.
I was 39 weeks along when we had him. A couple of weeks before that I had been having lots of contractions, especially when I walked around. Jayze and I went shopping at Winco for a couple of hours, and I had contractions the whole time. Of course it was Friday night - the weekend. Why do things like that always happen on the weekend? We got back home around 11:00 p.m. and called the nurse to see if we needed to come in. We were both just so anxious and ready to have the baby here, even if that meant he come a couple of weeks early. I ended up being on hold for half an hour and by then the contractions stopped. When I talked to the doctor about it the next week, he said there must have been something going on with a lot of different people because the nurse was crazy busy that weekend. Usually the weekends are really slow, but that weekend was just super busy.
It seemed like as time went on, Jayze and I kept getting more and more anxious. I dreaded hitting 37 weeks because that's when we lost Alma. The day I hit 37 weeks along the doctor checked me and I was already dilated to a four. I was so shocked that I didn't hear if I was effaced at all or not. Part of me was excited I was already dilated that much and that I could go into labor at any time, but another part of me ached. That was how much I was dilated when we lost Alma. So it was kind of a bittersweet moment - one part knowing we were closer to having the baby, and another part of me thinking we were closer to hearing bad news again. It was an exhausting, emotional roller coaster.
The doctors said that we would consider an induction at 39 weeks, but no sooner than that unless something went wrong. I almost kept hoping that something would go wrong and I would be rushed to the hospital just so we could get the baby here. But then I knew that would cause me even more anxiety and stress, so every time I went to the doctor I would pray that everything was still looking "perfect" and that this second baby of mine would come when he was supposed to come and not because something had gone wrong.
Because I was considered a high risk pregnancy, I had two appointments a week from 32 weeks on. Towards the end I went in for another appointment and did the routine no-stress test and ultrasound and waited for the doctor to come in and check me again. It was on a Monday, and that coming Thursday I was going to be 39 weeks along.
The doctor walked in, asked me a couple of questions, and then checked me. I was still 4cm dilated and found out I was 80% effaced. I asked him if we would talk about having an induction when I came in for my doctor's appointment on Thursday, and he said yes. Then he kind of paused and asked, "How far along will you be on Thursday?" I said, "39 weeks exactly." He nodded, looked at the charts, and then said, "Do you want to be induced on Thursday?"
I was shocked. This Thursday? We could have it scheduled? We could have him this week? Was this really happening?
I knew that the time to have the baby was getting closer, but when it came right down to it, I almost felt like I would be pregnant forever and just keep going to my doctor's appointments. I kept mentally pushing away the thought of actually giving birth.
I kind of sputtered out, "Really? This Thursday?"
He shrugged and said, "Yeah, well if that works for you." and smiled.
I said, "Yeah! Well, that would be so great. I am so ready to have this baby." -at least I felt ready to be done with the emotional roller coaster of pregnancy after loss and ready to see what the outcome would finally turn out to be.
The doctor gave instructions to the nurse to let the hospital know that I was being induced because of my previous pregnancy, not because my mom was in town and I was bored or something. :)
The nurse called the hospital and made the arrangements, handed me the paperwork, and I walked out the door still in shock.
I texted my parents and Jayze and said, "I guess we're having the baby this week!"
The rest of the week was a blur. I let my teachers know I was having a baby that week, Jayze got work off and let his teachers know he would be missing his classes that day, and we just kind of waited. It still seemed utterly surreal. It was such a mix of emotions - excitement, worry, stress, anxiety, wonder, denial...and I couldn't get over the fact that Alma was born on a Thursday too...and we were induced with him too...
On Wednesday, the nurse who had scheduled the induction called and told me the doctor wanted us there at 5 a.m. instead of at 7 a.m. Jayze and I were totally okay with that! The sooner we could have this baby the better.
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| 39 weeks exactly - just before we went to the hospital. This is the biggest I got. |
Thursday morning came - both of us having only slept about three or four hours. We got up and ate some breakfast. For me, it felt like the first day of school. My stomach was full of nerves and I could barely choke down a handful of cornflakes and milk. After breakfast, we threw a few more things in the already-full diaper bag, latched the car seat in the back seat of our car, grabbed my nursing pillow, and made the quick drive to the hospital in the chill of the early morning.
The staff were ready for us when we got there. Of course I had forgotten the paperwork in the car, so Jayze had to leave and go grab it. It reminded me of when we had Alma and I was left alone while Jayze went over insurance stuff with one of the hospital staff members. I changed into the hospital gown and climbed into the bed. Until that point I had been doing okay emotionally, but I think just the action of changing into my hospital gown and climbing into the hospital bed while Jayze was gone brought back so many memories of my last labor and delivery. I laid there in bed trying not to cry.
Jayze came back and held my hand. Multiple things happened after that that made me worry it wasn't going to be a healing experience. Our nurse came in to put an IV in me. As she was prepping to put the IV in, she tried making small talk, and one of the questions she asked was one I was NOT expecting while I was at the hospital. Didn't they have my records? She asked, "Is this your first?" I glanced at Jayze with kind of a surprised look on my face. "Uh...no this is our second." She nodded and said that we probably knew the drill then.
I knew she was leaving at six, and I was hoping and praying that our second nurse would at least look at our record and know without asking that our firstborn was stillborn and that we were on pins and needles with this labor and delivery.
The shift change came, and our current nurse came in with our new nurse and made the shift change report in front of me. She mentioned that the nurse taking over her was almost done with orientation (or something like that) and had a nurse over her to make sure she did things right. But there was also a BYU-Idaho intern there to get experience. So there I was laying in bed trying to take in the fact that I was essentially going to have three nurses supervising me today - two of them I didn't even know if they knew what they were doing.
They all left the room, and Jayze came around and held my hand again and asked me how I was doing. I told him, "I miss Kristine (the nurse we had with Alma)," and from there I couldn't hold back the tears. I was really hoping for a healing labor and delivery. It was already hard enough to have hope that the baby inside me would still be alive when he made his entrance without having to explain our previous experience. I guess I was just hoping for a perfect experience like I had with Alma, and so far it wasn't happening.
That being said, all three nurses ended up being wonderful. The nurse over the intern really knew what she was doing. And I think it was a tender mercy having the intern there because Tara, our nurse, explained everything she was doing out loud in front of us to the intern. Jayze and I knew more of what was going on, and we didn't have to ask as many questions because our questions were being answered right in front of us.
It was an interesting experience being set up for labor and delivery with the expectation that a live baby was going to come out. There were so many things different. They set up a heart monitor so I could hear the baby's heartbeat the entire time. If the baby was in a wrong position, then it was possible for him to move himself because he was alive. Instead of our hospital bag consisting of things just for Jayze and me, it included things for the baby. There was a bassinet in the corner of the room, and there was a "Daddy's plate" on the counter.
There was a whiteboard on the wall and the goal on it said, "A healthy mom and baby boy!"
They induced me around 5:30 a.m. The nurse checked me before the doctor came in, and I was still dilated to a four. I was hoping it would be a fast labor and delivery, because that's all I knew from Alma's. The doctor came in around 7:15 a.m. to break my water. It was funny because he walked in looking really sheepish. He said, "Sorry you had to be here earlier than expected." He cleared his throat, "The reason is that my son has a soccer game this afternoon..." Haha! Jayze and I laughed and told him that we didn't mind at all. The earlier we have this baby the better! The doctor said, "If it makes it any better, my wife shook her finger at me and said 'Their baby is more important than going to the soccer game!'" Considering they have been through something similar as Jayze and me, I figured she knew what she was talking about. It also made me feel better that the doctor had enough expectation that things would go well with the baby that he was planning to go to a soccer game in the afternoon.
The doctor checked me and said, "Did I tell you you were at a four the other day? Well, you are at a good five cm now." Yay!
He said that the baby was kind of in a hard position and that he might have to maneuver him later if he didn't change positions on his own. The doctor walked out, and from there it was just waiting until I went into hardcore labor.
I knew I wanted to get an epidural, but it was just knowing when to get it. I didn't want to get it too soon because it might slow down labor, but I didn't want to get it late enough to where the baby would come before I could get it. I wasn't prepared at all for a natural birth, so I was kind of depending on that epidural. I felt like it would help me relax and feel calm and aware when our baby was born.
The doctor had estimated that the baby would come around 1:00 or 2:00. After he broke my water, the contractions started coming in harder. It was more and more difficult to breathe through them. Knowing how fast I had progressed with Alma, I was getting worried that I would get too far along before getting an epidural. Finally, about an hour after the doctor broke my water, I asked for an epidural.
Surprisingly, the anesthesiologist was in there within five minutes. When he walked in, I was so relieved and happy to see that it was the same guy who had put in my epidural with Alma. I knew he knew what he was doing, he cracked jokes the whole time, and he helped calm my nerves a lot. Once the epidural was in, I knew it was a home run from there. My body could relax and progress, and I could mentally prepare myself to give birth to a healthy baby boy. I wanted him to be okay so badly. I just kept hoping and praying for that miracle.
The bottom half of my body started going numb, and I couldn't feel the contractions anymore at all. The nurse came in and checked me around 10:00, and said I was ready to start pushing. That happened fast!
They began prepping me to push. As each contraction came, I pushed with all I had. They got the doctor, but right before he came in the contractions stopped coming. So I couldn't really push without the contractions. He came in, but left soon after because I wasn't progressing as fast anymore. A few minutes after he left the contractions started coming again, and I kept pushing with all I had, just thinking about the baby and wanting him to come out healthy. The nurses and Jayze kept encouraging me. It was hard to know how to push because I was so numb, but the nurse kept helping me and I was finally able to figure out how to do it.
At one point during pushing, Jill walked in. She was the woman who was there for Alma's birth. She was the one who gave me the baby blue blanket, Alma's memory box, my matching necklace to Alma's bracelet, and Alma's casts of his hands and feet. I was so happy to see her. She gave me a hug and told me how happy she was for Jayze and me. I couldn't keep the tears from pooling in my eyes knowing she was going to see me give birth to a living baby this time. She knew this was my second baby, and she knew how much I wanted this baby to be okay. She understood without me having to explain anything.
Finally after an hour of pushing the nurse who was helping me out the most said she could see the baby's head. They told me to stop pushing and called the doctor. At that point it was hard not to push. The doctor came in, prepped for delivery, and told me to start pushing again. It took a few more pushes, but then the baby's head was out! The doctor and nurses exclaimed, "Do you see him?" I looked down, and there was my baby's head and it was chock full of dark hair just like Alma's! I felt like there was something wrong though, because he wasn't moving and it looked like he wasn't breathing. Anxiety began filling my heart, but when I looked around neither the nurses nor the doctor seemed concerned. The doctor began suctioning the baby's nose and mouth, and while he told me what he was doing I asked him, "Is he okay?" The whole time I had been envisioning and hoping for a crying baby to come out, not silence. The doctor reassured me and said, "Oh yeah! He looks great!" and the nurses were all nodding in the background looking happy. Once the doctor was done suctioning the baby's nose and mouth, I pushed a few more times, and our baby boy made his complete entrance at 11:13 a.m.
After that, everything happened so fast. Jayze cut the umbilical cord, then the doctor sort of dried the baby off and placed him in my arms.
I had expected to cry, but all I could do was sit there and hold my baby. After nine long months he was finally here. I couldn't stop looking at him. He was all mine, and he was moving. He was alive. He really was alive.
He kept making these squeaking noises. After a few minutes, Jill asked if she could take him and get his weight and measurements. She took him over to the bed warmer, and I was glad he kept making those squeaking noises because it helped me know he was still okay. It was all still so surreal. My baby was here!
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| The clock was going haywire, so that is not the accurate time. :) |
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| Proud daddy |
We were going to get to take this baby home with us. We weren't going to have to say goodbye and walk away from him. We were finally going to get to raise a child born to us here on earth.
Heavenly Father blessed us so much. I know that He was with us throughout our whole pregnancy as well as during the labor and delivery. He gave me the healing experience I needed through Aidan's birth. I know He will continue to be with us as we learn how to raise Aidan.
And I know that Alma was rejoicing as he watched his little brother enter this world. I know that he was happy that Aidan's birth was so similar to his. Me being induced with Aidan and Aidan being born on a Thursday morning after a relatively easy labor and delivery was Heavenly Father's way of helping me know that Alma is still a part of our lives. It kept Alma in my mind as Aidan was born and helped me connect with both of my children. Aidan's birth helped heal a part of my heart, and I know that even though Alma isn't here with us, he will continue to watch over us and will forever be a part of our family.
This is just beautiful. Our little Aidan is our Rainbow baby, bringing with him Peace and Joy as well as Alma. How blessed your children are to have you and Jayze for parents. Love you much. <3 ~ Mom
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