A Deeper Grief

Alma's foot

Dear Aidan,

I hope you can forgive me:

when I accidentally call you Alma

when I kiss your chubby cheeks and wish Alma was here so I could kiss his cheeks too

when you open your eyes and I can't help but wonder what color of eyes Alma has

as I feed you I think of what it would be like to have a toddler run in and ask me to play with him

when it seems like I have enough love in my heart for two children, but can only show my love to one of you

when I cry as I feed you - there is just too much time during your feedings to think and ponder about you and Alma and wish that I could see you two interact

for being overprotective and for wanting to be the only one to hold you

for disturbing your sleep when I can't help but place my hands on your chest to make sure you're still breathing

That being said, I hope you know how much I love:

putting you in your little clothes

dancing with you

listening to your squeaks, grunts, hiccups, and other cute baby sounds

brushing your hair

seeing baby clothes in my closet

all of the baby clutter around my house

 watching you breathe

waking up to you in your pack 'n play and seeing that you've escaped from your swaddle for the millionth time

 

seeing your dad hold you

having you in the back seat of the car when I drive somewhere 

rocking you to sleep

taking pictures of you - I want to cherish every moment

Oh, how I love you.

I hope you can continue to be patient with me as I keep trying to figure out how to deal with the mix of missing your brother and rejoicing over you.