Today has been hard. This week has been hard.
And it's only Tuesday.
Finals are coming up, but I have projects that are due this week and next week (BIG projects). And what do I do? I blog, go on facebook, read my email, budget, go to work, practice the piano, do my "easier" homework-anything to keep from doing my BIG projects. Why is this? Why does that happen?
Stress. Grief. Wanting to be distracted.
I miss Alma so much it hurts. I want him here with me. I want to be taking only 6 online credits this semester instead of 13 online and on-campus credits. I want to get up in the middle of the night and hold my little baby. I want to cuddle him when he's sleeping and smile and laugh with him when he's awake. I want to watch him grow and roll over and take his first step. But he's gone, and today it hurts like it hasn't for awhile. I think stress and being overwhelmed aids in that.
That being said, there have been so many things that have kept me going. Number one is my Heavenly Father. Number two is my husband, Jayze. And number three is the knowledge that I will hold Alma again. I'll get to see him run and play and smile and....breathe. And cry and be sassy and explore and everything little boys do. I'll get to see him grow in the knowledge of the gospel.
For now, I'll try to be content knowing that he is with Heavenly Father watching over Jayze and me, preparing his siblings for whenever they'll come and join us on earth. His sweet spirit still lingers in my heart each and every day and practically every moment of every day.
This life was not meant to be easy. Trials are hard. This trial is hard. I have to remind myself that everyone is going through their own person trial and that we are all brothers and sisters. I need to help those around me because none of us can get through our trials alone.
I can't express my feelings in perfect words or in the perfect way, but I love Elder Shayne M. Bowen's talk, "Because I Live, Ye Shall Live Also," because it expresses in so many ways how I feel. You can read it here.
I am grateful for my Savior and for His Atonement. He knows exactly how I feel, and He won't leave me alone. Times are tough, but it helps knowing there is someone all-knowing who understands.
You amaze me! I can't imagine doing what you have to do everyday and yet you're doing it. I know that you will see your sweet Alma again. I hope everything is going well for you guys. Also, sorry we still haven't had you over for dinner. :( Sadly, we won't be able to either because we're moving to Thatcher the day after graduation. I love you guys and look up to you. Just so you know.
ReplyDeleteRachel (Solomon) Tatum
Thank you, Rachel. That means a lot.
ReplyDeleteThat's exciting you guys are moving to Thatcher! I love AZ, and it'll be nice for you guys to be in the warm weather again. :)
Sarah,
ReplyDeleteI am SO glad that you are blogging again...I know this can be therapeutic for you as you experience this next year and what it will bring--both good and bad. Thank you for sharing what you're feeling with us, as well as sharing your incredible testimony and feelings about the Savior and the Resurrection. I miss you so much and hope that you continue to feel the peace only the Atonement can bring to you.
You are incredible. I hope you know that...and that although I can't possibly hope to understand what you are going through, I truly sympathize with you. We still pray for you several times a day, and I hope those prayers are felt.
Love you.
Thank you Jewel. You are such a wonderful sister-in-law! I couldn't have chosen or asked for a better family to marry into. :) I love you, too.
ReplyDeleteSarah you are so inspiring! Like the others I cannot not know exactly what you are going through, but we pray for you and Jayze often. Thank you for your strength and for your testimony of the knowledge you have. It helped and strengthened me and I know it will help and strengthen others. You are such a wonderful person and mother. I am sure Alma is just as anxious to be with you and be raised by such an amazing mother. Thanks for your blog Sarah, Love you.
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