Alma's Birthday

The entire month of August leading up to Alma's birthday (August 29) caused me to reflect on the whole experience of losing him. This year, I tended to dwell on the terrible, devastating parts of it, when in the past I've tried to dwell on the positive parts. I kept sinking lower and lower into this black hole. I knew how to get out of it because I've practiced the process again and again over the past four years, but this year was a struggle.

I allowed myself to go through the horrific, hard, miserable, dark details and held onto the panic, despair, loneliness, anger, and sadness that came with the very real and paralyzing flashbacks from that time. It was a constant tug and pull on my spirit, and at times I could hardly function. Aidan kept asking me if I was sad and randomly gave me hugs and kisses when he saw I was having a hard time. He still doesn't completely understand what happened to his older brother, but he could tell something was wrong.

Another thing that added to the whole hot mess was that I had no idea what to do for Alma's birthday. Even though we have a special tradition around Christmas for Alma, I've struggled every single year figuring out what to do for him on his birthday. We've done something different each time. Since I was having an especially difficult time, I knew I needed to plan something so that I would have something to look forward to instead of wanting to just stay in bed all day.

Through the years I've learned that service brings so much healing, and healing was what I was seeking so desperately. There's a sacredness to it that I wanted to bring to my home, to my family, and to my heart to help pull me out of the grieving funk. Over the first couple weeks of August, Jayze and I bounced around a few ideas and something finally stuck.

Aidan is still obsessed with cars and trucks and planes, which also includes police cars, fire engines, and ambulances. Whenever a fire trucks zooms by, we make sure to point it out. He gets excited and yells out, "Fire truck!" every time and does the same thing for police cars and ambulances. We wanted to do something that included Aidan and Kimball, so we decided to provide service to someone (and something) Aidan would get excited about...Enter the police force.

Jayze and I picked out the candy and bowl, Aidan helped me color the thank-you poster, and Kimball walked all over the poster and tried to eat the candy. :)

On Alma's birthday, I dropped Jayze off at work and drove to the police station nearest to our home. I loaded Kimball into the stroller, and held onto Aidan's hand with one hand and the poster and bowl of candy with my other hand. We struggled to open the door, but the officer at the desk graciously helped us out.

I told him it was Aidan and Kimball's older brother's birthday.

"He would be four years old, but he died when he was a baby. We wanted to come celebrate by thanking you for your service. We're grateful for all you do to keep us safe." 

A woman officer circled around her desk and asked what my baby's name was.

Tears came to my eyes as I told her, "Alma," and got to say his name out loud. I told her, "We wanted to come do this for you on his birthday." 

It wasn't extravagant, and I'm not sure if it made the police officers' day, but I know it made mine. Planning and creating and having something to look forward to made all the difference. And not just anything, but something that would get me outside myself. Instead of dreading his birthday, I became excited for it.

Through serving someone else and trying to make their day a little brighter, I felt a little brighter too and felt peace and the much-sought-after and desired healing I needed to get out of the deep, dark hole I had been in since
August 1.

And to top it off with a cherry on top, there was a park right next door to the police station.

Love you, my Alma.

"As we extend our hands and hearts toward others in Christlike love, something wonderful happens to us. Our own spirits become healed, more refined, and stronger. We become happier, more peaceful, and more receptive to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit." 

~Dieter F. Uchtdorf~