Feels Like Fall

Yesterday I took Aidan and Kimball outside to play in the grass. The air smelled crisp and cool, and the leaves on the trees are just starting to turn color. Pine needles and sticks littered the grass, as well as brown, beat-up pine cones. The trees are still keeping the pretty ones to themselves. :) 

We barely needed light jackets, but I put them on the boys anyway. We had fun kicking the soccer ball, climbing up and down the stairs (K is addicted to those things right now), and peering up at the sky every time another plane flew by. 

Yesterday definitely felt like fall, and I loved it. 

Hitting the bottom of his shoes to activate the light-up function.

Fall is my favorite season ever, and I'm beginning to feel the change - not just outdoors, but inside of myself, too. I have all this pent-up energy just waiting to be spent on baking, crafting, drinking hot chocolate and apple cider, picking pumpkins, and snuggling up with a soft, cozy blanket. I'm ready for the chunky sweaters, wrap-around scarves, beanies, and ankle boots (I need to get me a pair). I'm ready to step on dry, crunchy leaves and soak in all the orange, red, and yellow colors.

And believe it or not, I'm excited for the cooler weather (can I get another amen for fall clothes and yes, yes, YES to more walks outside).

The sun is still warm and glowing even in a more pale sky, the trees show us their last, glorious hurrah before hunkering down for the winter, and the air smells like honey and spices and traditions and excitement.

Summer was wonderful, but I'm all about this new season, and I'm definitely welcoming it with open arms.

Jayze's Birthday

Jayze is now a whopping 27 years old! I kept asking him how he felt to be 27, and he kept responding, "Weird." Haha.

I was so excited for his birthday because:

1. It was on a Friday (9/1) - always a good thing to have a birthday on the weekend
2. I got a babysitter (who actually came to our apartment and put the kids down for bed!)
3. I planned it all out beforehand, the date part was a secret, and I had the excuse to use Groupon for the first time ever, too.

Okay, maybe that's more than three, but whatevs. :)

I was giddy by the time Jayze got off work. We fed the kids the crockpot dinner I had made earlier (since they were starving before the babysitter got there) and cleaned up our apartment to kill time. Finally 5:45 p.m. came, and we were off!

This is it in a nutshell - dinner, date, dessert.

I guess I like to keep things simple.

For dinner, we went out to eat at Logan's Roadhouse. It was another round of good, peanut-eating, throw-the-shell-on-the-floor-while-waiting-for-our-food fun. And their buttery rolls are pretty delicious, too.

The funny thing is that Jayze ordered this lean, baked chicken with a vegetable side (similar to what I ordered the last time we went), and I ordered a half-rack of ribs with mashed potatoes and fries. A different waiter (I'm assuming, helping our waiter) brought out our food and automatically began handing me the chicken. She looked so confused when I told her, "Actually, I ordered the ribs."

HAHA.

For the date, we went...mini golfing! The one in Rexburg is so-so, so I wasn't sure what to expect here, but it was so.fun. It was glow golf and we went to about six or seven different rooms and each had three or four obstacles in it, plus a glow-in-the-dark picture of an alien or spaceship peering down at us. We kept score the first round (he won, Happy Birthday, hon!), did one more round, and then did the quick Lazer Maze Challenge.

You know the movies where the robbers have the maneuver themselves around the lazer beams to get to the jewelry cases? It was like that, but we did the easy version and no cops were involved.

After our stunt with the maze challenge, we drove over to Krispy Kreme's and chowed down a couple of their delectable pastries (Jayze LOVES donuts).

The next day we celebrated with the kids by eating Taco Bell and playing at a park. We drove home for homemade cake and ice cream, and Aidan surprised both Jayze and me by knowing the words to, "Happy Birthday." He's growing up so fast.

Short version: I ran out of powdered sugar for the frosting. Since I didn't have any way to get to the store, I tried making my own powdered sugar. Turns out I should have ground it up longer in the food processor because that frosting was so, so, SO grainy. I'm glad the cake underneath it turned out...and Jayze's homemade ice cream made up for it, too. :)

It was a good weekend for all of us. I'm especially glad I got to plan out a fun, relaxing date with Jayze and that he enjoyed it, too.

I'm definitely grateful for that cute birthday boy.

Alma's Birthday

The entire month of August leading up to Alma's birthday (August 29) caused me to reflect on the whole experience of losing him. This year, I tended to dwell on the terrible, devastating parts of it, when in the past I've tried to dwell on the positive parts. I kept sinking lower and lower into this black hole. I knew how to get out of it because I've practiced the process again and again over the past four years, but this year was a struggle.

I allowed myself to go through the horrific, hard, miserable, dark details and held onto the panic, despair, loneliness, anger, and sadness that came with the very real and paralyzing flashbacks from that time. It was a constant tug and pull on my spirit, and at times I could hardly function. Aidan kept asking me if I was sad and randomly gave me hugs and kisses when he saw I was having a hard time. He still doesn't completely understand what happened to his older brother, but he could tell something was wrong.

Another thing that added to the whole hot mess was that I had no idea what to do for Alma's birthday. Even though we have a special tradition around Christmas for Alma, I've struggled every single year figuring out what to do for him on his birthday. We've done something different each time. Since I was having an especially difficult time, I knew I needed to plan something so that I would have something to look forward to instead of wanting to just stay in bed all day.

Through the years I've learned that service brings so much healing, and healing was what I was seeking so desperately. There's a sacredness to it that I wanted to bring to my home, to my family, and to my heart to help pull me out of the grieving funk. Over the first couple weeks of August, Jayze and I bounced around a few ideas and something finally stuck.

Aidan is still obsessed with cars and trucks and planes, which also includes police cars, fire engines, and ambulances. Whenever a fire trucks zooms by, we make sure to point it out. He gets excited and yells out, "Fire truck!" every time and does the same thing for police cars and ambulances. We wanted to do something that included Aidan and Kimball, so we decided to provide service to someone (and something) Aidan would get excited about...Enter the police force.

Jayze and I picked out the candy and bowl, Aidan helped me color the thank-you poster, and Kimball walked all over the poster and tried to eat the candy. :)

On Alma's birthday, I dropped Jayze off at work and drove to the police station nearest to our home. I loaded Kimball into the stroller, and held onto Aidan's hand with one hand and the poster and bowl of candy with my other hand. We struggled to open the door, but the officer at the desk graciously helped us out.

I told him it was Aidan and Kimball's older brother's birthday.

"He would be four years old, but he died when he was a baby. We wanted to come celebrate by thanking you for your service. We're grateful for all you do to keep us safe." 

A woman officer circled around her desk and asked what my baby's name was.

Tears came to my eyes as I told her, "Alma," and got to say his name out loud. I told her, "We wanted to come do this for you on his birthday." 

It wasn't extravagant, and I'm not sure if it made the police officers' day, but I know it made mine. Planning and creating and having something to look forward to made all the difference. And not just anything, but something that would get me outside myself. Instead of dreading his birthday, I became excited for it.

Through serving someone else and trying to make their day a little brighter, I felt a little brighter too and felt peace and the much-sought-after and desired healing I needed to get out of the deep, dark hole I had been in since
August 1.

And to top it off with a cherry on top, there was a park right next door to the police station.

Love you, my Alma.

"As we extend our hands and hearts toward others in Christlike love, something wonderful happens to us. Our own spirits become healed, more refined, and stronger. We become happier, more peaceful, and more receptive to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit." 

~Dieter F. Uchtdorf~