My Alma Wreath

The day after we found out Alma passed away, we had many heartbreaking and surreal decisions to make. One of them was where to bury our baby.

My first instinct was to bury him in Idaho. It was where Jayze and I lived and had already made so many special memories, we could visit him anytime we wanted, and, frankly, it was the most convenient. Plus, I honestly didn't even think it was possible to have him buried anywhere else because I didn't think we had the resources to make all of the arrangements for that.

However, after talking to our families, we found out that it was possible to bury him somewhere other than Idaho. Although, upfront, it would be less convenient and more heart-wrenching, we knew that burying him in Arizona was where he was supposed to be. In our heart of hearts, we knew that Rexburg was temporary, whereas Arizona was more permanent. Both sets of our parents live in the same town, so it was more likely we would have more opportunities to visit our baby boy once we no longer lived in Rexburg.

I wasn't sure how it was all going to work out, but through many earthly (and, I'm sure, heavenly) angels and tender mercies, it all did. All the nitty, gritty details worked out, as well as bigger issues. We were so blessed and grateful and knew we weren't alone.

Now, three years and a half years later, I'm glad that Alma is buried in Snowflake. I wish I was able to visit him anytime. It's hard not taking Aidan and Kimball on a regular basis to go see him, too, but I'm grateful he has loved ones nearby who can and do visit him and leave flowers and decorations.

My mom and Jayze's mom send me pictures from time to time of Alma's graveside. It's usually decked out in the decor of the season: spring flowers, fall leaves, snowmen figurines, summer daisies, and a "Happy Birthday" sign in August. Seeing the pictures always make me tear up and wish we lived closer. But I'm grateful others are there to give him love when I can't be there in person.

When Alma was first buried there, I remember before Jayze and I left for the Phoenix Airport to go back to Rexburg, I wanted to see him one more time. So we drove to the cemetery and, hand-in-hand, walked to where he was buried. The fresh mound of dirt was the only thing marking our baby's burial place. It was then that I realized I didn't have anything for him. No headstone, no flowers, nothing. My arms and hands felt even emptier. I had to leave some token of love for my sweet baby boy before flying miles away from him. I knelt down on the soft mound and with my finger I drew, "We love you," with a heart. It was still more difficult than I can express to walk away, but leaving something there helped.

A few days later, my parents texted and asked if they could put a small, homemade metal plate to mark Alma's graveside. That was the beginning of the outpouring of love Alma would receive on his grave.

I'm grateful for my mom and Jayze's mom who, after the first set of decorations had been up for awhile, offered to put them in a box and save them for us. When I first saw and held the decorations, I couldn't help but get teary-eyed at all the love and support. We really weren't alone, and Alma wasn't forgotten. We toted the box back with us to Rexburg and put it with Alma's other things. I knew I wanted to keep the small treasures, but I didn't want them to just sit in a box in storage. In essence, I wasn't sure what to do with them.

When we finally made it to Kansas and things settled down a little bit, I started making our little apartment into a home. We found some couches and a coffee table, Jayze assembled our black bookshelves, I arranged and re-arranged bookshelf decorations, and we worked together to fit Aidan's toddler bed and Kimball's crib in the kid's bedroom. I hung up some pictures, and organized our closets (still in the process, haha).

One day as I was organizing our front closet, I found the box full of Alma's graveside decorations again. I stopped for a minute to look through them. As I touched the leaves and flowers and picked up the figurines, the thought came to me, "Why not make a wreath?"

Background: I've wanted to make a wreath ever since Jayze and I got married and just never got around to it. I love wreaths and other door decorations because it's kind of like a, "Welcome to my home!" before stepping inside. Well, this was my perfect excuse to buy a lovely grapevine wreath (they smell sooo good) and break out the glue gun.

Once the kids went down for a nap, I pulled up Pinterest for inspiration and went to work designing my own, custom wreath. I have to admit, it was hard pulling the leaves and flowers off. I didn't want to ruin them! I prayed and crossed my fingers everything would work out.

And it did! I tied a piece of twine in a loop in the back and hung up my new wreath on my front door. I love how it turned out. It feels wonderful and makes me happy to see another touch of Alma in our home.

During the past three and a half years, I've thought many times how such a small person with such a short life could make such an impact on others...and on me. I've thought of how Alma's life has helped me pause and reflect on the sacred moments life gives us every single day. How his life has caused me to be more service-oriented and caring towards others. How his life has shown me the good in others and how willing people are to give of their time, talents, and love. How his life has taught me to love being a mother and to not take it for granted. How his life has increased my love for his siblings. It's been humbling, to say the least.

Tomorrow will be the third Thanksgiving without him. Lately, seeing Aidan play and interact more with Kimball has made me ponder what it would be like to have Alma here. I wonder what it would be like to see three of my children physically play together. I wonder what it would be like to convince two toddlers to go to bed and hear them giggle together. I wonder what it would be like to see my two older boys fawn over their baby brother.

I think that all of the wondering has brought some sadness, but it's also filled me with gratitude. I'm so grateful I've been able to have more children. And not just more children, but children HERE. Here to raise and love on. Here to teach and discipline. Here to pray, cuddle, and play with. Here to practice motherhood on.

I'm so grateful to be a mom to THREE wonderful, sweet, happy boys. I'm grateful for my marriage with Jayze. I'm grateful for the glimpses I get of Alma when they do come. I'm grateful for God's love for me. And I'm grateful that this life isn't the end.

"Regardless of our circumstances, each of us has much for which to be grateful if we will but pause and contemplate our blessings."

~ Thomas S. Monson ~ 

Aidan Funnies

Okay, I started writing this post a couple of months ago. So some of these are outdated, but I kept them here because I don't want to forget them!

Wrote these while we were living in the hotel:

Words (my favorites - he obviously says a lot more than what's listed here):

• Bimball = Kimball
• Uck = truck and stuck
• Juice = juice and shoes
• Eba = Zebra
• Ippo = Hippo
• Eeow = Cat
• Rawr = lion, bear, tiger
• Byyy Byyyy Byyyy = I want to sit by you
• Wuv ooo = Love you
• Ahma = Alma
• Hyperventilating = monkey
• Biiiiiiite = I want more food
• Baby = baby or movie
• Coookiiiieeeee! = cookie

Aidan, holding a fistful of spinach, asks me: "Biiiittte?" Meaning, do I want his spinach?
Me: "No, I already have spinach. That's yours. Are you going to eat it?"
Aidan looks at me, then looks down, then looks back at me and moves his hand towards the garbage and says, "Traaaash."


While watching Planes and eating dinner, I noticed Aidan dipping his pizza in the smoothie. I thought it was cute and funny and wanted to capture it. I tried to get his attention and kept asking him to look at me and smile when he finally turned to me, put his finger to his mouth, and said, "Shhhh....." I guess I had it coming for how much I tell him to shush because the baby's asleep.


I'm feeding Kimball and Aidan wanted his jacket off. He started to unzip it but didn't unzip it all the way. He got frustrated, so I helped him unzip it all the way. Then he got frustrated that it was unzipped all the way and wanted it zipped again. I offered to help, but then he didn't want it zipped. So he tried taking off his jacket, but his arms got stuck and he got frustrated and desperately said, "Uck! Uuuuuuck!!!" So I helped him take it off, and then he got frustrated that it was off. So I started to put it back on him and he didn't want it. I finally put it on the couch and he was finally satisfied. Whew.


Aidan was smiling and hanging out with Kimball after Kimball woke up. I had unswaddled Kimball and left him in the bassinet while I went to the kitchen to make a bottle for him. When I came back to get Kimball, I saw Aidan trying to give Kimball the piece of apple Aidan had been eating. So cute.


Me to Aidan: "Do you want to eat breakfast?"
A: "No."
Me: "Are you hungry?"
A: "No."
Me, holding up a box of cheerios: "Do you want some cereal?"
A, gets an excited look on his face: "Cereal!" and comes happily running to his high chair.


Me to Aidan: "Do you want to eat lunch?"
A: "No."
Me: "Are you hungry?"
A: "No."
Me: "Come on, let's eat."
A: "No."
Me: "Well, I'm going to put you down for a nap. Do you want to eat before you go down for a nap?"
A, running to his high chair: "Eeeeeeee!!!" (eat) - he'll do anything to stall sleeping lately


Written more recently:

Whenever we pray before bed, Aidan has to make sure all of his trucks are put down in one spot. Sometimes we'll be waiting a couple of minutes before he's all done.


The other day I was trying to juggle a lot of things at once. Kimball was crying, and I needed an extra hand. So I asked Aidan, "Hon, can you give Kimball your giraffe to play with? He's so sad." Aidan picked up his stuffed giraffe, threw it at Kimball, and hurriedly backed away.


Me: "Oh, shoot!"
Aidan: "Ah, shooot!"

Me: "Dangit!"
Aidan: "Dangit!"

Me: "Criminey!"
Aidan: "Imney!"


Me: "Guess what, Aidan? Kimball's awake! I need to go make his bottle real fast, can you go say hi to him?"
While I'm in the kitchen making the bottle, I hear Aidan open my bedroom door where Kimball is, excitedly run in and say, "Hi!"


Me: "We'll eat dinner as soon as Daddy comes home."
Jayze walks in and says, "Hi!"
Aidan jumps off the couch, runs to his chair, and yells, "Eeeeeeaaaatttt!"

Aidan: "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom."
Me: "Aidan, Aidan, Aidan, Aidan, Aidan."


Pointing to Jayze, Aidan says, "Daddy!"
Pointing to me, A says, "Mom." (he never calls me mommy, just mom haha)
Pointing to himself, "Adinnn."
Pointing to the bedroom where Kimball's sleeping and resting his hand on his cheek, "Kmbllll, sleeping."
Pointing to Kimball, "Kmbllllll."
We're still working on him figuring out where Alma is. :) But the other day he saw a church and said, "Temple. Ahlma. Jesus," so we're getting there.


I love my two-year old. Life with him seems to get better and better as he keeps growing up.

Puddle jumping

6 months

Kimball turned 6 months old exactly six days ago (Nov. 10). Here are some tidbits about him that I don't want to forget.

Sleeping:
He's pretty good about taking naps. If he wakes up in the middle of a nap, he's not very good at putting himself back asleep.

Most of the time, he is really good at sleeping through the night. There are just a few exceptions (aka Daylight Savings). He'll wake up anywhere between 4-5 and want to eat. I'll feed him, hold him for a few more minutes, and then he'll sleep for a couple more hours.

Still working on getting Aidan and Kimball on the same bedtime schedule so that they can go to sleep at the same time in the same room. It's amazing when it works.

One of the few times he's slept in his crib. He rolls over easier in his crib, which means he just cries and cries because he can't roll himself back over. He's good being in his crib once he's asleep, but has a hard time falling asleep in the crib. 

Which is why he's back to sleeping in the bassinet. :)

Eating:
Still consistently eats 6oz every 3.5-4 hours. His first solid food was rice cereal and his second was green beans. He's a fan of both, especially the green beans, which really surprised me.

Clothes:
Now wearing 6-9 month clothes and still in 9 month pajamas. Barely.

Chunker:
I've heard so many times that he is a big kid. And he is! We love him so much! He has cute, cute thunder thighs and roly-poly arms. He's getting harder to carry for long intervals, which makes me sad because I love carrying him. He has cheeks, but a narrower face than Aidan.

I was telling Jayze just last night that it's almost weird that Kimball is such a solid baby because his personality seems the opposite. Kimball is a chill, laid back baby. He's not screaming for food every two hours, but he seems to get enough food when he does eat and is content. Maybe we're raising a linebacker.

Textures:
Kimball is my texture baby. He loves playing with boxes, baskets, strings on pillows and jackets, the wipes package, plastic links, blankets, bibs, and stuffed animals. He also loves chewing on any and all of those things.

Chompers:
He is sporting three teeth with at least another one on its way. He has two on the bottom and one on the top. He looks like an adorable little jack-o-lantern. Right now his cheeks are rosy red and warm and his gums are swollen. Poor baby. We're hoping those other teeth cut through soon.

Personality:
Kimball is such a sweet, happy baby. We don't even have to do anything to make him smile, and he still smiles. He loves watching Dad, Mom, and Aidan, especially Aidan. I can't wait until he can really play cars and trucks and kick around a soccer ball with Aidan.

Already wanting to drive.

Right now he loves to:

• Grab and eat his toes
• Fold himself in half
• Roll over onto his tummy
• Sit on Mommy's lap
• Touch Aidan's hair and head when Aidan actually gets in close range of him
• Be tickled
• Play peek-a-boo
• Socialize
• Stand on Mommy's lap
• Be held
• Chase Aidan while bouncing on Mommy's hip

Hates:

• Being left on his tummy (still hasn't figured out how to roll onto his back)
• Sitting in his bouncer for too long
• Watching Mommy work out
• Getting too tired
• Sleeping in a non-moving car seat
• Shopping too long at the grocery store
• ...that's pretty much it

I can't believe Kimball is already 6 months old. Where is the time going? I'm excited for all the milestones he still has yet to reach, but I just want him to be my baby a little bit longer. Sigh. 

He has brought so much joy and love to our home and family, and I am so grateful he's here. 

Yesterday

After a series of not-so-good days, yesterday was a perfect day (according to the life of Sarah Flake).

I got to lay in bed for a few precious minutes before taking on the day in my mommy-wife-personal responsibilities. It was glorious.

After not taking a shower for way too many days, I fit in two, separate showers.

Kimball went four hours in-between feedings and took long, regular naps. 

It was the first time bathing Kimball in the kitchen sink without the little bathtub, and it was a success!

The kids and I got in some good playing time, especially Aidan and me. "Mom, play?"

I rocked my exercise, even though I was not feeling it. Some days are just like that. 

I studied my scriptures and even had time to read a regular book, too.

Both kids went down for a nap at the same time, albeit in separate rooms.  

I took both of the kids outside. We took out the trash, paid rent, checked the mail, then had a fun few minutes playing on the grass.  

I had the energy to whip up two beautiful, homemade pizzas. Having an oven has really made baking fun again. 

Aidan scarfed down the beautiful, veggie-loaded pizza. Winner dinner.

Even though Jayze had a spontaneous work dinner, the evening was still fun and relaxing with just me and the kids. 

Aidan let me sing two verses of our bedtime song while rocking him. Afterwards, we laughed at Kimball eating his toes and kicking his legs in the bouncer.  

Both of the kids went to bed in the same room at the same time. (YES!)

I got some veg time in before Jayze came home. Then he helped me with the dishes while we talked about our day. Then we snuggled in bed while still talking about our day. 

It was the most wonderful evening. 

Good days like yesterday make the not-so-good days worth it. I'm grateful for both so I can notice the difference. 

Happy November!