Catching Up

It's been a while since I've written, so I decided to do a "catch-up" post. Our lives have been slow, crazy, and everything in between, and it's fun to catch up on some of the highlights that have happened lately.

Thanksgiving: 

This was the only picture I captured of our 2015 Thanksgiving. Although I was bummed I didn't make time to take a family picture, it was nice not worrying about being behind a camera. Besides, how more appropriate can you get than a pie picture for Thanksgiving? :)

Jayze loves pie, so it's our tradition to make at least four different kinds every year: mixed berry, apple, pumpkin, and french silk. So yummy. I think I gained 20 more pounds from pie alone (hopefully an exaggeration).

This year I was thankful for so many things: a roof over my head, Jayze's great job, my two boys, yummy food, and all of our good health. But my thoughts kept turning to my Savior Jesus Christ and how grateful I am for Him. He has provided many tender mercies for our family and for me, and my heart was full. 

For some reason I was a little homesick this year, so it was nice spending Thanksgiving with one of the couples in our ward. We're both in similar situations: college, jobs, toddlers...and it was fun playing games, talking, watching our kids play, and eating, eating, eating.

Family Pictures:

We hadn't had family pictures taken for a few months and realized the fall season was a beautiful time to take them. Unfortunately fall came and went much faster than I wanted it to, but I finally reached out to our friend and she was able to take our pictures. Despite the lack of colorful leaves, the pictures turned out beautiful.

It was hard getting Aidan to smile because he loves looking on the other side of the camera. But I was glad our photographer was able to capture a few shots that definitely depict his personality. He is such a handsome little man, and I love him so much. It's bittersweet to watch him grow up and reach more and more milestones. I'm loving the walking stage and how he can understand more of what we say to him. He is such a sweet boy.

Thanks for capturing our family, Crystal!

Pregnancy:

This section deserves a post all on its own, but I'll write more details about it later. Because of blood tests, we found out we're having another baby boy around 11 weeks along. So many boys! Jayze and I are so funny - we both thought AGAIN that we were having a baby girl. Nope! We are excited for another brother to join our family, though. This pregnancy has already had its ups and downs in so many ways - some physical, but mostly emotional. I'm just trying to work through all the emotional and physical challenges that come with pregnancy after loss and trying to keep up the faith. Prayers are much appreciated! :) All that said, I feel immensely blessed to be pregnant again no matter what happens.

Aidan just wanted to walk and walk and walk!

Looking forward to Christmas that's just around the corner! Right now we're snow globe living, but crossing our fingers for good travel weather.

Moments like this

It's moments like this when I have to catch my breath and fight back the tears.

One for eating, three for jack-o-lanterns

One glistening orange pumpkin is missing. A moment after we bought the four pumpkins and were on our way to the van, I asked Jayze, "Should we have bought one for Alma?"

A pause. The pumpkins were already paid for and loaded in the van and Aidan needed a nap. It seemed too late to turn around and search for another pumpkin, so we drove away with just the four - one for eating and the other three meant to become jack-o-lanterns.

Yet, as we drove away, I couldn't get the thought out of my head that Alma would have loved picking out his own pumpkin. I could just see him running around, pointing this way and that, going from pumpkin to pumpkin, bending down to examine each one (or maybe even picking the first one he saw), and being so excited when we finally cut his orange treasure from its vine. My sweet two-year-old.

But he's not here, and I will always have to imagine my invisible child at the age he would be right now.

Moments like this make my heart hurt and long for what could have been. Make me long for moments like taking two boys to the store and trying to figure out where to put the groceries. Holding onto one child's hand while crossing the street and carrying the other in my arms. Saying I have two children without a second thought or having to explain that the older brother is in heaven. Staying home with two instead of one.

In these moments, I sometimes struggle with the fact that this is my story and nothing is going to change that. These are the times grief is right behind me waiting to tap in and surprise me - because these moments do...they surprise me and make me realize all over again what I'm missing out on.

Despite the pain, I'm also grateful for those moments because it keeps my little boy close. They are reminders for me that Alma is still a part of our family. He always will be. And these special, even if sometimes painful, moments just cement that fact because I can never forget him.

And because we know our family isn't complete without him, we made another trip to the pumpkin patch just for Alma and picked out his own orange beauty, which completed our family of pumpkins.

"The same feelings of loyalty, love, and family unity don’t end as our loved ones pass to the other side; instead, those feelings are intensified."

~Shayne M. Bowen ~ 

Aidan is O N E!

Aidan turned one on September 25, 2015. Yes, I know I'm a little bit behind on the blogging, but you know. Life happens.

Birthday: 
For his birthday, we had a simple cake smash with family from both sides (cousins and siblings). Despite Aidan not taking a nap the entire day, the party was a success!

We decided to go with a sports theme because Aidan loves balls. He also loves music, books, and cars, but I figured I had to narrow it down to one. Plus, the dollar store had a good selection of sports stuff, so it was a winner theme.

(Sorry in advance for the awful quality of pictures. The lighting was terrible.)

I'm not very good at decorating cakes, so I went with one that looked simple but cute - a baseball! Aidan's middle name is Nelson, which in a roundabout way means "Champ." I felt this was also a great connection to the sports theme.

He got some great presents (thanks Nanas and Grandpas and cousins). I was really excited he liked the Lego car Jayze and I gave him with the mega Lego blocks (love yard sales).

I'm glad his first birthday went so well and was so fun.

Stats & Check-Up: 

• Weight: 22.5 lbs. (68%)
• Height: 30.5 in. (73%)
• Head: 18.75 in. (88%) 

Aidan's 12-month check-up went really well...for me. I felt like a great mom afterwards (thank you nice doctor), but Aidan was a crying mess. He had to get his finger pricked, and he was so happy before that. The nurse walked in, got everything set up, and told me I could hold him and that babies usually do great with the finger prick. In my mind I was thinking, "Um, I don't think Aidan will do great with it..."

Background: Aidan HATES anyone touching or holding his hands - even Jayze and me. So when the nurse grabbed his hand and pricked it, it was the end of the world for Aidan.

The nurse didn't let go for a couple of minutes because she had to get the blood in the tube thing, and Aidan was making it really difficult for her. He kept pulling with all his might to get his hand back. She finally got a band-aid on Aidan, but he still didn't stop crying. He picked at the band-aid trying to get it off, while I persisted in keeping it on. He would stop crying for a little bit until he saw the band-aid and then the water works would start up again. Poor little guy! It was funny and sad at the same time.

He was still in a traumatic state when two more nurses walked in to give him his shots. And who do you think had to hold him down? Me. So I put my wriggling, sobbing baby on the table and held him down while the two nurses stuck him with the needles. Let's just say, he wasn't the happiest baby after that check-up. 

Milestones:

• Aidan isn't walking yet, but getting close! He officially took his very first step on October 7. Jayze and I are encouraging him as much as we can. He loves cruising and is getting better and better at it. Crossing my fingers he walks soon!
• Can say mama and dada. He also said ba the other day for ball. He loves imitating sounds, so when I read to him he'll imitate me when I say "Wee-ooo-wee-ooo" for the fire engine or "E-i-e-i-o" for "Old MacDonald". And today he recognized dog and tried to say "Woof."
• Eats pretty much anything. We have been super blessed with a great eater. 
• He ate a whole apple the other day. It was sitting in a bag on the couch (non-plastic bag), and he started gnawing on it all the way to the core. 

• Switched to whole milk. He seems to like it.
• Aidan has 7 teeth - four on top and three on bottom. He drools like crazy and still sticks things in his mouth, but I haven't seen anymore teeth come in lately.
• He likes taking baths now. Hurray! Before it was a war zone. He would cry the moment I put him in the tub, so it was a nightmare for both of us. He even whimpered and whined when Jayze took him in the shower with him. But then after receiving some advice and praying about it, he loves it now. Some things that worked were: putting him in an empty tub and filling it up with water so it wouldn't scare him, washing his hair and body at the very beginning and then just letting him play the rest of the time, and not rushing. It has been so much better. Now he cries when I take him out. :)

• Jayze gave him his first haircut! I was out shopping after the General Women's Conference, and Aidan needed to go to bed soon, so Jayze decided to start cutting it. It was pretty much done by the time I got back. I was so sad to see Aidan's long hair go because I think it aged him at least 6 months, but Jayze did such a good job on it. He looks like a little boy now. I have to say, though, that it is a lot easier to manage now. 

 

Personality:

• For some reason, Aidan loves stuffing his toys under the couch. I should have taken a picture, because I was looking for his Legos, and they were seriously all under the couch. Along with a spoon, mirror, toy guitar, a couple of books, and a few other toys. We have a little scavenger on our hands.
• Has begun the mini-tantrums...but they actually aren't too bad. He'll just scrunch up his face, put his mouth in an "o" shape, and start whining. It's actually hilarious, and I have to try not to laugh every time he does it.
• Loves receiving praise. After he sneezes, he'll grin and look around to see if anyone noticed. He also started clapping for himself, especially when he's eating food.
• Hates bibs. No matter what I do, he'll take off his bib and throw it on the ground after a couple of minutes of wearing it. I should probably start making bibs with buttons instead of velcro now...
• Aidan loves dropping things. When he's in his booster chair and he's done eating, he'll start dropping his cheerios or other finger foods on the floor. After he drops them, he'll lean over and see where they went. So, so funny. Later, he'll eat the cheerios off the floor if I haven't swept yet. He'll also drop his spoon, bowl, and sippy cup on the ground. If he's not in his booster chair, he'll cruise on over to the couch, pick up whatever is on it, and throw it behind him on the floor. Folded laundry on the couch is a favorite for him to attack. That kid is fast.

• Loves socializing with people, but has a shy streak, too. Lately he's turned into Mr. Cuddlebug if he's tired and feeling shy and people are trying to say hi to him. But if he's energized and fed, he's grinning all over the place at anyone and everyone. He is the best at breaking the ice in awkward or dull situations. 
• Does not like wearing socks. I've found socks in our car, behind his crib, buried in his blankets, and under the couch while Aidan just runs around barefoot and free. Not sure what I'm going to do when colder weather hits.
• Doesn't like getting dressed, undressed, or diaper changes.
• Loves sticking out his tongue and playing with it. Or when he's concentrating really hard, he'll sometimes stick out his tongue. It's so cute.

BFF'S:
Aidan really has become my best friend. Below are some of my favorite memories or things to do with him.

• Sitting on the kitchen floor giggling and sharing a chocolate chip cookie.
• Reading time.
• Park dates.

• Building and destroying Lego creations.
• Helping me brush my teeth.
• Splashing the water during bathtime.
• Dancing along to Pandora or the radio.
• After getting his 12-month shots, he wouldn't take the rest of his nap unless I was holding him. So I rocked him and held him for an hour and also fell asleep. It was such a special moment. 

• Grocery shopping - people think I'm talking to myself when I talk to Aidan. :)
• Going on walks.

• Pulling up a chair to the counter and showing him our goldfish.
• Selfies

I love our little boy so much.

Dear Aidan: You Are One

On September 25, 2015, you turned O N E. 

 

As your birthday approached, my mind kept going back to last year when I was still going to school, still working, and still pregnant with you. A lot has happened since then.

Since then, you were born. I quit my job so I could spend as much time with you as I could while still going to school. I didn't think graduating was possible, but then again, I didn't think having a healthy, living, breathing baby to take care of was possible either.

It turns out that more things are possible than I could ever have realize. I am continually reminded that all things are possible with God. It's because of Him you are here.

I want you to know first and foremost that I love you with all my heart.

I love Y O U. 

You are not a replacement.

You are not tainted by a bad experience.

You are not the continuation of grief.

You are you, and that's all you could ever be.

A child of God. 

A wonder and a joy.

You have brought so much life to our home, so much love, so much movement, so much peace, so much laughter, so much happiness. 

You brought a happiness I didn't think was possible to feel, and I will forever be grateful for you. 

This life is yours; soak it up. 

You have already taught us so much...don't be afraid to keep growing and learning and discovering and exploring.  

Keep finding the simple joys in life. Keep holding onto my hand, your dad's hand, God's hand, and Alma's hand. We are your family and will always stand by your side.

Baby boy, please know you will always be mine. 

My Aidan. 

I love you.

~ Mom ~

Slowing Down

When I was in Young Women's, one of my leaders gave a lesson on journals. She mentioned that she kept a journal for her children ever since they were young. She wrote the funny things they said, the milestones they reached, and every day experiences she didn't want to forget. That always stuck with me, and I determined that when I had kids of my own, I would keep a journal for them, too.

When Alma was born, I stopped writing. I went to school and wrote what I had to for different assignments, but that's it. I stopped writing in my journal, and that's one of the things I regret. I wish I had recorded more of my day-to-day experiences because I look back and everything is a blur. When I look back and try to remember the year after Alma passed away, it's filled with heartache and struggling to grow closer to my Savior and understand that this is my story. I've come a long way, but I wish I had started my healing journey with writing in my journal. After all, as one of the ladies I used to work with said, "Writing in your journal is free therapy." As I keep writing, I have found that to be more and more true. I'm grateful I have recorded different stories and experiences about Alma on my blog, because writing on here has been a sort of free therapy and healing experience.

After Aidan was born, I was determined to capture every moment on camera and write down every milestone he achieved. His first smile and laugh, rolling over, grabbing a toy, first bath, first tooth, his reaction to baby food...I'm sure all moms are just as excited watching their babies grow and learn and develop.
 
And I began writing a journal for him. I want to remember day-to-day experiences with him because they are so important. Every day Aidan is teaching me to slow down and enjoy every moment. The opening and closing of snapdragons, leaves crunching underfoot, wind blowing in your hair, baby feet, the joy of playing the simple game of peek-a-boo, the wonder of a new toy, curiosity for new places, tasting new foods, learning to pick yourself up again and again, reading a new book, splashing water, watching birds in flight...

 

In this talk, President Monson quotes Emily from the play Our Town: "“Do … human beings ever realize life while they live it—every, every minute?”

Aidan is teaching me how, and so is Alma. My babies teach me that life is worth living and joy can be found in the journey. Life is hard and frightening and full of bumps and dips and punches. But it's also filled with light and peace and happiness. We are meant to be happy despite the struggles. 

I'm grateful for day-to-day experiences. I'm grateful for my life...for the slowing down motherhood offers me. All the cuddles, laughing, happy screaming, frantic crawling, long afternoon walks...it's all worth it. Bumps and all. 

"Brothers and sisters, my sincere prayer is that we may adapt to the changes in our lives, that we may realize what is most important, that we may express our gratitude always and thus find joy in the journey."

~Thomas S. Monson ~

My Lifeguard

Dark, ominous waves crashed against the side of the boat, spraying fine, cold mists across anxious faces and frantic-working hands struggling to control the bobbing boat. Lightening lit up the black sky and thunder crashed in the not-too-far distance. The wind tossed them on the rippling waves, and it seemed the night would never end and all hope was lost.

Suddenly, there in the distance, was a white light in the form of a person. As the figure neared, the men in the boat realized it was walking on water. The appearance of the strange phantom, in addition to the angry storm, seemed to push them over the edge and they cried out in fear.

"But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid."

Then one of the men in the boat called Peter said, "Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water."

And the Lord answered, "Come."

Peter did come. With the furious wind still blowing his hair and the waves threatening to swallow him up, Peter came. He stepped out of the unsteady boat and placed one foot after the other onto the likewise unsteady water. Taking one step at a time, Peter walked on water toward the Son of God - his friend, his master, his Savior.

His drenched robes dripped water back into the tumultuous sea, his eyes on Jesus, his path straight. Until, Peter realized where he was and what he was doing. Who was he to walk on water? The wind sounded in his ears, the water felt cold, and Peter's faith wavered and he feared. Slowly, he began to sink.

And, probably with waving arms, he cried out, "Lord, save me."

"And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" (Matthew 14:24-31)

I love the story of Peter walking on water because I'm like Peter - we're all like Peter. There are times I walk confidently towards the Savior, but then realize that I'm doing more than I thought I was capable of. I see the winds trying to blow me over and the water struggling to swallow me whole and my faith wavers. I take my eyes off the Savior and worry about all of my troubles and heartaches and despairs and sins and begin to sink because I'm trying to fix them all on my own and it's not working. I can't do it on my own - I need the Savior.

In 17 days, Alma would have been 2 years old. How do I deal with this? The unworried moments leading up to finding out he died. The short, beautiful moments I had him in my arms. The agonizing moments after burying him. 

There are so many emotions going through my mind and my heart I can barely comprehend. So many missed moments. I'll never get to see Alma play with Aidan in this life. Or take his first day of school picture. Or watch him balance and ride a bike for the first time. So many questions. How did this happen? Why did this happen? So many doubts. What did I do wrong? Was I not good enough?

Feeling broken.

The hurt has eased up, but there are still moments when I'm angry and wonder why. There are still moments when I catch my breath and realize my life isn't the same as it would have been with Alma here. There are still moments when I wipe away my tears, wondering, wishing, speculating, hurting, feeling broken all over again...

I was looking through my journal recently and came across a sticky note with short reminders I didn't want to forget about during the months after losing Alma. A few stood out to me: "same story of faith," joy amidst the sorrow, immersion in spiritual things, generosity.

Faith, joy, spirit, generosity. These are things that point to Christ. Yes, I had numbing emotions, empty arms, emotional and physical pain, but I also had love, happiness, a sense of humor, and peace - things that only come from the Savior.

Some days I lost my faith and I let the wave of grief wash over me and drag me down. Some days my faith was less than perfect and I let the wave of anger engulf me. Some days I lost sight of what was really important and let the wind blow me over and let the wave of fear and doubt overtake me.

There were days I thought I was drowning.

And there are still days when I let the waves conquer me and the wind rip me apart, and I begin to drown. Those days aren't over. But, my Savior has always been there for me. He immediately stretches forth his hand and saves me from drowning. He saves me from the immense, black deep gulf of misery and anguish and brings me back to Him. I may be soaking wet, but because of Jesus Christ, my faith is restored.

"When [Christ] says to the poor in spirit, “Come unto me,” He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way" (Jeffrey R. Holland, Broken Things to Mend, 2006). 

The Savior knows what each of us go through. He has been there himself because He took upon himself each of our pains and sorrows and sins. He knows how to comfort each of us. I know because I've been there. I may lose sight of my Savior, but He never loses sight of me. And He never loses sight of you.

pinterest.com

I'm still on the mend. I'm still in the healing process. But it's a lot easier when I let Christ do it instead of sitting in the corner licking my own wounds hoping they'll heal on their own painlessly and without infection. But it doesn't work that way. Doing it on my own brings me zero real happiness. With Christ, I can have joy amidst the sorrow. I can feel love because love comes from Him. I can show him my wounds and cry and come to him, and He can doctor them up, give me the proper salves, and help heal me. It takes time, but I'm never alone when I focus my eyes on the Savior. And whether I lose my faith or not, He's always there to be my anchor.

So, hold onto your faith. Don't give up. When Christ extends his arm, grasp it and don't let go. He knows you perfectly, and He loves you perfectly. He can mend you and heal you and make you whole.
 

"If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope. If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened. If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended." 

~ Jeffrey R. Holland ~

24th Celebration

This year the 24th landed on a Friday, which meant that Jayze had work off. That day we aired up the mini swimming pool we bought for the 4th of July, invited my sis-in-law and sister over, and hung out and talked.

It was Aidan's first time in the swimming pool. The water in Idaho is cold, so by the time the sun warmed up the water the last time we aired it up, everyone was all done playing in it. We got Aidan's feet in, but that's pretty much it. So I was excited to see how he would react to actually playing in the water. He did really well!

 The water from the hose was still frigid, so we decided to try pouring hot water in to warm it up. It somewhat worked - enough for our bodies to get used to it - and in Aidan went. I told Jayze we have to go swimming (whether that's in our little swimming pool, at the lake, or at the splash pad) 22 more times because that's how many waterproof diapers Aidan has left. :)

After I told my friend that the Rexburg 4th of July parade was okay that year, she suggested we try going to the St. Anthony parade for the 24th of July. Jayze and I had never been, so we packed sunscreen, Aidan, and water and crossed our fingers we would find a spot in the shade. We did! We sat by really nice people (Jayze works with one of them) and chatted until the parade started. A man sitting right by us had a little dog. He showed the dog to Aidan, and since Aidan loves noses, that's the first thing he tried to grab. It was so darn cute.

Despite being a little bit disorganzed in some spots, the parade smoked Rexburg's (and Snowflake's...sorry Snowflake) parade. The floats were amazing, the candy was thrown farther, the kids were safer, and we got free sno cones. Aidan was obsessed with the cars, music, and sno cones, and Jayze and I were in awe of all the work the wards put into the floats. It was definitely worth the ten-minute drive and missing Aidan's morning nap.

If you look closely, you can see the witch's feet sticking out from under the house.

Represent

Grand prize

If we are still here next year, then we're planning to go again. It was so fun.

Happy Pioneer Day weekend!

Aidan is 9 Months Old

My baby boy is 9 months old. I can't believe that exactly 9 months ago from June 25 (also my brother's b-day), I gave birth to him. It has been a whirlwind - one I wouldn't change for anything. He is such a good baby, and I feel so, so grateful to be with him every day.

He just had his appointment today, so I can finally post his stats.

Weight: 20.9-21 lbs. (70-71%)

Height: 29.7-29.8 in. (93%)

Head Circumference: 18.3 in. (84%)

It looks like he is still taking after Jayze's side of the family in height. And as my dad would say, he hasn't missed too many meals. :) 

He loves:

-playing peek-a-boo

-reading time

-eating Mom's sandals 

-eating Dad's shoelaces

-eating grass

-playing with feet

-babbling Mamamamamama/Mom-mom-mom-mom-mom (I LOVE it!)

-babbling ya-ya-ya-ya-ya

-steamrolling across the floor

-bath time

-talking by himself in his bedroom before he falls asleep

-banging on his booster seat

-MUSIC - especially from the musical Wicked

-us blowing in his face

He hates:

-when I take away my sandals

-when I take away Dad's shoelaces

-when I take away grass

-crinkly noises, like Walmart bags or chip bags

-when I take too long getting his food ready

-the nose sucker and saline drops (he has nasal allergies)

-water poured over his head (bath time)

Getting the hang of:

-crawling

-drinking from his sippy cup

-playing nice with other babies (still working on this - he gets upset if they get too much in his space, silly baby)

Right now he has four teeth, with another one on its way (soon to be 3 teeth on top and he has two on the bottom). He is very meticulous when eating finger foods. Still sleeping great (yay!). Has more of a nap routine since I've graduated. Is starting to get more and more stranger anxiety/awareness. Is getting longer and crazier hair.

Aidan has the sweetest smile and loves socializing. We can make him laugh by playing peek-a-boo, playing with a blanket, tickling him, and surprising him.

I was SO happy he didn't have to get shots this time around. Only three more months until he is a year old! Can time please slow down? My baby is growing up too fast.

Love you forever baby boy.