3 months

Aidan turned three months old on Christmas Day. He is seriously the best.gift.ever. It was awesome having a baby here for Christmas...even though he went down for a nap about half an hour into opening presents, haha.

 

Here are a few facts I want to remember:

Pacifier: He doesn't take a pacifier at all anymore. He comforts himself by sucking on his fist, or I comfort him by bouncing him in his bouncer or holding him and bouncing up and down on a yoga ball. When I was at Walmart the other day, the cashier said, "Oh, cute! He has socks on his hands!" Then she noticed that he was sucking on his fist and said, "That sock is going to be sooooggy." Yep, whenever I put socks on his hands they end up soggy from all that drool.

Smiling: He always gives me huge smiles whenever he wakes up in the morning or when he wakes up from a nap.

Laughing: He has laughed a couple of times, but I'm still waiting for when it's a full-out laugh. He'll smile and coo and kind of giggle when he's on his play gym or when he's playing with his bouncer toys. It's amazing how much more he interacts with little toys now. It's so fun to watch him intentionally hit the little rattles hanging above him. 

Size of Clothes: He's now out of 0-3 month clothes and into 3-6 month clothes. He'll even fit into some 6-9 month clothes just because he's soooo tall.

Swaddle: He is our little escape artist. No matter how tightly we swaddled him, he would still get out.

 

After getting up about three times during the night just to reswaddle him, we are now weaning him off. Right now he sleeps with one arm out and next week we'll try both arms out.

Eating: Aidan eats 6 ounces every 3.5-4 hours.

Sleeping: His bedtime is between 8-8:30. I'll give him about 4 ounces right before going to bed if it hasn't been too long since I've fed him and then he'll sleep for about 9-10 hours which is so nice.

Growing Up: For one of his Christmas presents (mostly his Dad's Christmas present), Aidan got his own room. I didn't want to move him out of our room until he was at least three months old. I was still a little iffy about it just because our only spare room is on the other side of our trailer. I felt like I would lose even more sleep just because I would be up every hour to check on him to see if he was still breathing. For my birthday and Christmas present, my dad got me a video baby monitor, and Jayze and I LOVE it. Seriously, it's the best thing ever. We can check on him without disturbing him, and now I don't worry about him as much sleeping so far away from us. I carry it around with me everywhere I go when Aidan's sleeping. I'm

a little obsessed with it. :) Thanks, Dad.  

Bath Time: Aidan loves bath time. He'll splash the water with his feet and close his eyes whenever I pour warm water on him or rinse his hair. He hates after bath time, but I think it's because he gets cold easily.

Reading: His attention span is short when I read to him, but he'll sit through one or two books before getting fussy. 

Diapers: After wetting through a couple of diapers and then blowing out a few others, we decided it was time to up the size. Aidan's now wearing size 2 diapers. Sigh. He's growing up so fast.

Singing: He loves it when I sing and talk to him.

Tummy Time: He still absolutely HATES tummy time. He is getting stronger though and will tolerate it a little longer now. Still waiting for him to roll over. 

Hair: I was looking through pictures I took when he was a newborn and he had a ton of hair! No wonder that was the first thing anyone ever commented on when they first saw him! Now he has this huge bald spot in the back of his head, but underneath the bald spot his hair is still long. So he's sporting a little mullet. He still has dark hair on top of his head. We'll see what color of hair grows back.

Eyes: He has dark gray eyes, and I love them.

Clinging: Aidan hangs onto me now when I carry him on my hip, and I.love.it. It makes me feel like he needs me, and it's the best feeling ever. He'll also cry if I leave him in alone in a room for too long. It's such a good feeling to know that he misses me when I'm gone because I miss him too. I want to hold him all the time still. The best is when he falls asleep in my arms. Then I don't ever want to let him go. I could hold a sleeping baby forever.

Snow: Okay, it snowed like a million inches on Christmas Eve. Then it snowed again a couple of days later. So Rexburg is bombarded with snow. We live in a snow globe again! We bundled Aidan up and took him outside to build a snowman, but the snow was too powdery. It was fun having him experience the snow, though.

Aidan was crying the other night right before he went to bed. Jayze and I did the routine of praying with him, swaddling him up, singing to him, and then bouncing him a little bit before setting him down in his pack 'n play. We knew he would cry for a few minutes before settling down to sleep. We were making popcorn in the kitchen, and I turned to Jayze and said, "Isn't it great to have a crying baby in the house?" Jayze smiled and responded while he took me in his arms and hugged me, "Yeah. It's awesome."

Happy three months to my sweet, chubby little man. It's amazing how much he has already helped our little family.

 

A Gift for Alma

"I'm getting nervous, are you?"

Jayze nodded his head and said, "Yeah, I am." 

Our car plowed ahead in the deep snow. The inside of our car was warm and Aidan was quiet in his car seat. As we drove by the park we saw a few families sledding down the small, steep hills. We stopped at the stop sign, looked both ways, and slowly turned the corner and drove up the small hill to the parking lot. I couldn't help tears coming to my eyes as I thought about my two children who were born there. They were both such different experiences. 

Jayze found a parking spot and climbed out of the car. He walked around and opened the door for me. With another glance at the hospital, I climbed out of the car too. Jayze grabbed the car seat with Aidan in it, and hand-in-hand, we began our trek towards the hospital in the deep snow and icy parking lot. Clenched tightly in my hands, but not so much where it wrinkled the ribbon, was a soft, white, crocheted blanket.

We walked in the main entrance but didn't see anyone there. A man walked in behind us and told us we could register in the emergency section. So, Jayze and I nervously rounded the corner and approached the emergency check-in desk. A woman behind the desk was getting her coat on as she was talking to someone out of our sight. I looked at Jayze and softly murmured, "Do you mind asking?" 

As Jayze wondered how to get the woman's attention, the woman noticed us and asked how she could help us. Jayze and I looked at each other, not sure how to ask our question. Jayze said, "Well, we're just wondering...well we uh, have a blanket that we made...do you guys accept donations? Or, is there a place that we can donate blankets to...that you guys accept blankets for babies...for stillborns...?"

As Jayze was in the middle of asking the question and said "babies," the woman nodded her head and said, "Yes, of course." As Jayze said "stillborn" and handed her the soft, white blanket, a sad look came across her face and she said yes while looking at the blanket and then back at us with a sort of questioning look. Right before we turned to go, the woman said, "This is beautiful, did you make this?"

At this point, I was crying and could only nod my head. Jayze looked at me, saw that I was crying and couldn't answer, and responded while gesturing toward me, "Yes, she made it." 

I turned away to hide my tears and heard her say, "We'll make sure they get it." 

We walked out the door, Jayze still carrying Aidan in the car seat, both of us still walking hand-in-hand, but the white blanket no longer in my arms. 

The tears kept flowing. As we walked back towards our car, Jayze said, "Donating the blanket didn't cause a stillborn to happen. The blanket is there to help someone...to help comfort them like it did us."

When Jayze said that, my mind flashed back to the night before when I finally finished the blanket I started back in August. I had wanted to do something special for Alma's birthday, but couldn't figure out what to do. I thought about all the things that made Alma's birthday special and one thing that kept coming to my mind was the nurse who said, "We're able to give these blankets and mother-child bracelets and necklaces away because people donate them to the hospital." I had taken up crocheting again and thought that donating a crocheted blanket like the one we received in the hospital when Alma was born would be the perfect gift. 

I started on the blanket. The first one turned out awful. I was devastated, but I was also determined to try again. It had to be special. I found a new, easier pattern, unraveled the ugly blanket, and set to work again. That time, the blanket started to turn out. But as I kept crocheting it I realized that I hated working on the blanket. Tears began falling every time I picked it up to continue working on it. I couldn't get it out of my head that this blanket was for another stillborn baby. I kept envisioning another couple going through the pain Jayze and I had to go through and it just broke my heart every single time. I didn't want to bear the burden of losing a child again...even if the child wasn't mine. Right before I tied off the last stitch, I folded the blanket up and stuffed it in my closet. Alma's birthday came and went and the blanket remained untouched, but unforgotten. 

As Christmas came closer and closer, I wondered what I could give Alma. He would be 16 months old. I couldn't buy him a toy because he's not here to play with it. I kept mulling it over in my mind but couldn't think of anything to give him. One day, the white, crocheted blanket came to my mind. Once again, I thought it would be the perfect gift for Alma. 

I told Jayze my plan, and he thought it was a great idea. Last night, I finally brought myself to pull out the blanket from my closet and finish the last stitch. I laid out the finished blanket across my lap, envisioned a baby inside it, and wished with all my heart it was meant for a live baby. But the thought also came to my mind of how grateful I was for the donated blanket Alma was wrapped in. Once again, grief brought me closer to my baby Alma. 

Walking away from the hospital this Christmas day reminded me of another baby lying in a manger wrapped in a blanket. In that moment, I remembered that because of that baby, I can see my baby again. Because of my Savior Jesus Christ, my family can be together forever. 

And we will be.

And that really is the perfect gift. 

I DID IT!

I finished and survived this semester!

With the help of Jayze and my instructors, of course. :)

Jayze and I had our doubts before this past semester started - sometimes at the same time, most of the time at different times. It was nice when it was at different times because then we helped the other have faith again. But finally with lots of bouncing the baby in the bouncer; meeting at the school to car/baby swap; staying up late while Aidan was asleep; cooking late dinners; throwing laundry into the washer and dryer (thank goodness we have a washer and dryer in our house) and sometimes folding it; reading tons of poetry, short stories, and novels; watching a few movies for both of my classes; forgetting to eat lunch a few times; meeting new friends; learning new things; and finding the motivation to keep going, I finished the semester!

Despite all the stress, it was totally worth it. I'm so glad I didn't defer because it was a great semester.

Timeline:

• September 15: School started.
• September 25: Aidan's Birthday!
• September 29: Back to class.
• September 29-October 17: Playing catch-up, especially in my online class. My instructors were awesome.
• Midterms somewhere in there.
• A few papers now and then.
• Watched a few movies.
• A few projects.
• Finals is next week...what?!
• As you can tell, the semester was kind of a blur...
• December 15-19: Finals week. 
• December 25: Final grades posted. 

I learned so much this semester. School is way more fun when I worry more about learning than about grades - although grades are important too. :)

I learned to love poetry, particularly the Romantic Era. In my on-campus class, I learned that it's a lot harder to translate fiction to film (e.g. To Kill a Mockingbird, Rear Window, And Then There Were None, and so on. There are SO many films out there based on literature.)

And I learned that including God made ALL the difference.

Thank you to all those who brought Jayze, Aidan, and me dinner - it meant a lot. Thanks Mom for spending a whole week with us! I don't think all of those doctor appointments after Aidan was born would have been possible without you, as well as retaining my sanity. And thank you to my instructor's who let me play catch up for a couple of weeks. 

So, here's to this past semester, and here's to another semester coming up soon! 

2 month stats

Aidan went to his 2 month checkup after I wrote about his two months, so I finally have his stats! I don't want to forget them, so I'm documenting them here just in case we lose the paperwork.

December 5, 2014

Weight: 13.31 lbs (60-61 percentile)

Height: 24.75 inches (95th percentile)

Head Circ.: 16 inches (81 percentile)

BMI: 15.3

I was all-out prepared for Aidan to be screaming, crying, and whimpering for a few days after he got his shots. But he actually only cried right when they gave him his shots and stopped crying once I picked him up. The nurse advised me to give him warm baths and move his legs a lot to help with the pain. He seemed a little bit uncomfortable, but he just slept a lot. In fact, that night he slept for 10.5 hours. Jayze and I woke up surprised and well-rested. I had expected to be up all night with him. We only gave him pain medicine once a couple of days after. What a trooper! However, ever since then his sleep schedule has been wayyy off.

Aidan will be three months old before we know it. He is growing up way too fast. I love him so much. 

Crying

Yesterday Aidan would NOT take a nap.

Ever since he turned five weeks old I decided to try to train him to fall asleep without me having to rock or bounce him to sleep. I would change his diaper, swaddle him up, and then bounce him until his eyes started drooping. While he was still drowsy I would set him in his pack 'n play and have him put himself the rest of the way to sleep. We had him cry it out a few times until finally he was able to fall asleep on his own. What a relief! It was soooo hard to leave the bedroom and close the door on his crying. I would go in and comfort him after five minutes, leave, go in after ten minutes, leave, and so on until he finally fell asleep. I tried not to pick him up when I went in to comfort him, but he actually did a LOT better and fell asleep easier when I did comfort him by picking him up. Once his body was trained to fall asleep, all I had to do was the routine and he would cry for maybe five minutes if that and then fall asleep for an hour or two.

Yesterday was a different story.

Every time I tried to put him in his pack 'n play he would cry and cry and cry and CRY. He screamed like I had never heard him scream before. When I went in to comfort him, he would immediately stop crying once I picked him up. I had to get some homework done, so finally in desperation I brought him out to the living room with me and bounced him in his bouncer until he fell asleep five minutes later. 

He got his vaccination shots last Friday and it didn't seem to faze him at all. We actually only gave him Tylenol once but that's it. So I knew since it had been a few days since then he wasn't in pain. I think he has just been a little needy. Every time I leave the room now he'll cry.

For the record, today has been MUCH better.:)

I was looking at some of my old posts and came across this one and read the line, "He [Heavenly Father] was there when someone made a complaint about being a father or mother and complained about having to get up during the night because their baby didn't stop crying.  I didn't even get to hear my baby cry...."

That line hit me hard and then I started crying. Definitely a crying fest at my house.

When Aidan was born I didn't realize how hard it was to get up with a crying baby. Some nights I would beg Jayze to change Aidan's diaper so that I could sleep for five more minutes. Some nights I would sit there listening to Aidan cry, willing him to fall asleep again.

Reading from my old post when my grief was still so fresh from losing Alma made me realize how easily I forget.

I forgot how much I would do anything to get to hear Alma cry. To be able to get up in the night with him no matter how tired I am. To be able to hold him in my arms and try to soothe him by kissing his forehead, singing to him, and letting him know that I'm there.

Motherhood can be so tiring, but I wouldn't trade it for anything because I know what it's like on the other side.

I know what it's like to give birth in a silent room. I know what it's like to hold something so precious in my arms and not be able to take it home with me. I know what it's like to stay awake late into the night listening to the silence of no crying or breathing baby next to me. I know what it's like to long for something so much but not being able to have it. I know what it's like to notice a family walking together hand in hand with a baby in their arms, wishing desperately that things were different and that Jayze and I could walk hand and hand with our baby Alma in our arms. I know what it's like to hear stories told of couples losing their children and knowing exactly how they feel. I know what it's like to feel bitterness towards a pregnant person and her happiness. I know what it's like to try not to feel a grudge towards couples who just had their first baby and they were able to take him or her home with them. I know what it's like to hear others complaining about their kids and knowing that I would switch places with them in an instant. I know what it's like to feel like a failure because my body wasn't able to keep my baby alive.

How could I have ever forgotten?

That hearing Aidan's cry in the hospital was really the best sound I had ever heard in my whole life.

That when Aidan was still only a couple of weeks old I would hurry and take pictures of him crying just because I thought it was the cutest thing in the entire world.

That when Jayze and I drove around in the car with Aidan in the back seat because we were tired of being cooped up and Aidan was crying and crying and we didn't know what to do. And when he suddenly stopped crying we wished he would start up again because we realized it let us know he was okay.

It's a hard balance. It's hard to hear Aidan cry because as a mother I just want him to be happy. But at the same time I'm so grateful he can cry. I'm grateful I know what it sounds like. And I'm grateful he knows I'm his mom and that I love him and I can comfort him. 

I don't ever want to take motherhood for granted. I don't want to ever again forget the relief and utter joy I felt when Aidan made it here safely in my arms - a healthy, living, crying baby.

Being a mother is what I was born to do, and someday I can't wait to hold Alma in my arms again and be able to hear his beautiful cry.

October 17, 2014 - 3 weeks old

Sleepless Nights

I carefully bounced Aidan in the dark until his eyes started drooping. When I was sure that he was drowsy, I softly set him back in his pack 'n play and quietly climbed back into bed. It was 3:00 in the morning. Even though I was exhausted, I knew it was going to be a little while before I would actually fall asleep. 

I couldn't help but think of how much I love listening to the sound of Aidan breathing.  It's so much better than the nights I spent awake knowing the room next to me where a baby was supposed to be was empty and silent.

I thought about all the times I have gone to the grocery store during the past few weeks, carrying Aidan in the baby carrier and trying not to slip on the snow. My hands and arms are no longer empty.

I thought about how I almost always have a baby in the backseat of the car with me now. 

I thought about visiting the ladies I worked with and how the beginning of the semester seems so far away now. I thought about how much I miss working, but I also remember the ache I felt returning to the office empty-handed having just left my baby in Arizona. This time when I visited them, they were able to hold my second baby instead of just asking about him.

I thought about the time when I went back to the doctor to get my blood drawn to see if it indicated what went wrong with the pregnancy. This time around, I got to go back with a baby in tow.

I thought about all the times I had a breakdown at school.

I thought about the times when I couldn't look at any of the babies at church.

I thought about when I cried as I packed away Alma's things and now Aidan uses all of his things. I don't think Alma minds.

I thought about all of the sleepless nights and all of the heartache I've felt.

Now my sleepless nights are filled with holding a baby in my arms as I feed him. Now part of my heart is healed because I am a mother again. 

There in the dark in the early morning I thought of how blessed I am to have my baby boy asleep next to me.

And how blessed I am to have my other baby boy above me watching over me in Heaven. 

I turned over to my side, brought the blanket up to my chin, and smiled - finally able to fall back asleep.

Grieving Differently

When Alma died, Jayze and I drove home from the doctor's office, both of our faces streaked with tears. We were shocked. We were sad. We couldn't believe that it had happened to us.

But at the same time, I remember that deep down inside I was unbelievably calm. How did that happen?

Members of our Relief Society came and brought us dinner. A couple of the wonderful ladies I worked with came to bring us food and words of comfort. Jayze and I had priesthood blessings given to us that same day. Jayze's sister and brother-in-law came over and brought us flowers and food. And it seemed as each visitor came, I found myself wanting to comfort them. They were there to comfort me and all I could feel was that everything was going to be okay. I now know that 100% of my calm feelings was because of the many prayers said in our behalf. I had never felt that feeling before then, but it was oh so good.

After Alma was born and his memorial service was over, Jayze and I came back to Rexburg ready to go back to work. I look back now and think how in the heck did we do that? How did we just up and go back to work a couple of weeks after we lost our only child? I think we were both on the same page and just wanted to push the grief away a few more days. It didn't seem right to stay at home and be depressed all the time. We both felt the need to stay busy and not dwell on what had happened.

Later though, grief hit and it hit hard.

I got angry easily. I got sad easily. My outlook was gloomy. Some Sundays I didn't want to go to church. Some days I didn't want to go to school. Some days I didn't want to go to work. Some days I didn't want to even get out of bed. Or make dinner. Or do the laundry. Or focus on homework.

Some days all I wanted to do was sit in Alma's bedroom and cry while holding his blue blanket, wishing with all my heart that it was him I was holding instead. The crib was empty. His clothes were all boxed up. There was no baby clutter anywhere, no evidence at all outside of that room that we had had a baby at all. Even my body healed super fast from the labor and delivery. I barely had any stretch marks, my tummy became flat again, and exercise was easier than I thought it would be after having a baby. I also lost weight fast because I didn't really have much of an appetite. It seemed I had been robbed of even the memory of carrying our precious bundle of joy.

And what became even harder was that Jayze and I grieved differently. We were patient with each other those first few weeks, but when grief hit things got harder. It seemed like some days we couldn't connect and we would go to bed feeling even more frustrated and sadder than ever. It was emotionally exhausting and incredibly hard to look forward and have an eternal perspective. I was caught in the here and now and couldn't shake the fact that my arms were heavy, my heart was aching, and my emotions were on edge all the time. I had a breakdown almost every day. Bathroom stalls on campus became my best friends.

To get that eternal perspective back and to help with my grieving I began researching like crazy. I researched stillborns. One of my friends sent me a link to a woman's blog who had been through something similar as me. Once I read hers, I searched for more like it. And I found as I read other blogs or other people's experiences, I found that we ALL grieve differently. There were some experiences I could relate to better than others, but it all finally made sense. It's okay to grieve differently. Grief is so broad. Sometimes I am at one stage of the grieving process and I can relate better to someone I couldn't relate to when I was at a different stage.

Learning about grief has helped me realize that I don't have to let it win. I don't have to constantly be a victim of it. I accept that it's always going to be a part of my life now, but I don't have to let it be my constant companion. I can do hard things and I can be happy now.

Jayze and I will never "get over" the loss of our child. Grief is always there to remind us of what we're missing out on. But what we've tried to do is not let the loss of Alma break us apart. We are an eternal, forever and ever family and it started the moment Jayze and I knelt together and were sealed in the Snowflake, AZ LDS Temple. We want to someday raise Alma together.

Even though life happens and it's hard, we can let our trials refine us. We can hang on to that eternal perspective; realize better things are ahead; and as hard as it is sometimes, never.give.up.

We can hang on to our Savior, because He knows exactly how each of us feels. He knows how I grieve and He can be there to comfort me when I feel completely alone and feel like no one else seems to quite understand.

Looking back, losing Alma did a number on our marriage. But the ups and downs (that still happen) have changed Jayze and me for the better. We want our eternal marriage more than ever because we know someone on the other side is waiting for us. He is cheering us on and doesn't want us to give up. Instead of growing apart, Jayze and I have become closer and know that a forever family is what we both want.

We are fighting for that. 

"If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by."

~ F. Burton Howard ~

Moments

Trying to catch up on everything that has happened! Here are a few significant moments...


Smiles: Aidan has started smiling! He started kind of smiling on November 12. I would do everything to get him to smile. Finally, he gave me some huge smiles when he first woke up on November 18. It totally melted my heart.

November 12, 2014

November 18, 2014

Baby Blessing: Aidan Nelson Flake was blessed on Sunday, November 23 by his handsome daddy, Jayze Flake. I was pretty much emotional all day. It was such a sacred day for us. I felt Alma close by and knew that he was there for the event. It's still amazing to think that things can change so much in one year. Last year I cried during baby blessings because we didn't get to bless Alma. Aidan has already helped my heart to heal in so many ways. I am so, so grateful for him.

Left: Grandpa and Nana Dee Flake, Right: Nana and Pop-pop McCleve

Flake Family - missing the Busch's, Daliah, Katie, Molly, Abe, and McKay (and Aidan was taking a nap)

McCleve Family - missing the Andersen's (and Aidan again - I knew he would cry if I woke him up!)

Two months: Aidan turned two months old on Tuesday, November 25.

• He loves his baths now that I don't do them in the kitchen sink anymore. He seems way more content in the bathroom on his little bathtub. 
• He drinks 5-6 oz every 3-4 hours.  Growing boy!
• The longest stretch he has slept at night is 7 hours - can't wait until it's consistent and longer! Although it's nice because he is getting pretty good at putting himself to sleep when I swaddle him and set him in his pack 'n play for a nap or for bedtime.
• My Grandma bought him a play gym and he LOVES it! He'll lay there and smile and coo for awhile.
• I'll find out how much he weighs this week when we go in for his two-month checkup.
• He loves it when I play peek-a-boo with him.
• He is out of his newborn clothes (sad day, yes I cried) and now wears 0-3 month clothes.
• Hates being in his car seat unless he is asleep, the car is moving, or we are rocking or swinging it.
• LOVES the light. He will stare at it constantly.

Apparently it was a bright-colored day. :)

I'm excited to see what else is in store for us as he keeps growing.


Thanksgiving: It was Jayze's and my third Thanksgiving since being married and Aidan's first one. We pretty much cooked all day and Aidan slept a lot! Jayze loves pie so we made a lot. We also baked a turkey, opened a can of black olives, mashed up some potatoes, mixed up some orange juice, made gravy from the turkey drippings, and baked a few rolls. And even though we were so busy we forgot to make the stuffing, our Thanksgiving dinner was delicious. It'll be fun when Aidan can eat some of it next year.

pumpkin, apple, blackberry, and blueberry - Jayze made the crust, I made the filling. So delicious. Oh, and yes we did give some away so we wouldn't eat it all ourselves! So much pie.

Thanks Mom for the onesie!

We felt beyond blessed this Thanksgiving year.



Christmas is just around the corner. I'm excited to finish up the semester, listen to Christmas music, bake some gingerbread cookies, party on my birthday, and celebrate our Savior, Jesus Christ this holiday season.

We Are Four

"Is this your first?"

The question caught me off-guard yet again. This time though, I wasn't used to answering it in front of an entire class, so I panicked and said the first thing that came to my mind:

"Uh, yes."

Then it hit me what my instructor had actually asked me and I realized I had lied.  So I immediately thought about back-tracking...

"Well, um..."

But somehow I couldn't bring myself to change my answer when all eyes were on me. 

So I said, "Well...yeah..." and nodded. 

It is BYU-Idaho's tradition to say a prayer before the beginning of every class, and it is my instructor's tradition to "interview" whoever is giving the prayer for that day. When it was my turn and he asked me that question, I had no idea he was going to ask that. Most people just assume if you are still in college and having (or have had) a baby that it's your first one. But looking back, how could I have possibly said stillborn in front of a whole class full of college students? Maybe someone in that classroom could have related to me. I guess I'll never know now that I stuck to my guns and awkwardly lied and said that Aidan is my first child.

I know that I'm going to get asked that question throughout the rest of my life. Whenever I get pregnant again, people will probably ask if Aidan is my oldest or if it is my second pregnancy. And I have realized that Aidan is going to get it his whole life too:

"Are you the oldest?"

And how is he going to answer that question? If he answers yes, it's a lie because Alma is my oldest child and Aidan's older brother - death can never change that fact. But then if he answers no and explains that his older brother died it just creates an awkward situation. It's tiring constantly having to answer that question and explain about Alma. It seems I have to fight to keep Alma in our family. 

In my online class we are studying different poets and their works. Usually poetry is hard for me to understand, and I have to admit that it's not my favorite thing to study. But I also have to admit that I have loved this class and last week I read a poem that really hit me hard. I was able to totally relate to the little girl's perspective, and I found her optimism and persistence powerful.

We Are Seven

By William Wordsworth

———A simple Child,

That lightly draws its breath,

And feels its life in every limb,

What should it know of death?

I met a little cottage Girl:

She was eight years old, she said;

Her hair was thick with many a curl

That clustered round her head.

She had a rustic, woodland air,

And she was wildly clad:

Her eyes were fair, and very fair;

—Her beauty made me glad.

“Sisters and brothers, little Maid,

How many may you be?”

“How many? Seven in all,” she said,

And wondering looked at me.

“And where are they? I pray you tell.”

She answered, “Seven are we;

And two of us at Conway dwell,

And two are gone to sea.

“Two of us in the church-yard lie,

My sister and my brother;

And, in the church-yard cottage, I

Dwell near them with my mother.”

“You say that two at Conway dwell,

And two are gone to sea,

Yet ye are seven! I pray you tell,

Sweet Maid, how this may be.”

Then did the little Maid reply,

“Seven boys and girls are we;

Two of us in the church-yard lie,

Beneath the church-yard tree.”

“You run about, my little Maid,

Your limbs they are alive;

If two are in the church-yard laid,

Then ye are only five.”

“Their graves are green, they may be seen,”

The little Maid replied,

“Twelve steps or more from my mother’s door,

And they are side by side.

“My stockings there I often knit,

My kerchief there I hem;

And there upon the ground I sit,

And sing a song to them.

“And often after sun-set, Sir,

When it is light and fair,

I take my little porringer,

And eat my supper there.

“The first that dies was sister Jane;

In bed she moaning lay,

Till God released her of her pain;

And then she went away.

“So in the church-yard she was laid;

And, when the grass was dry,

Together round her grave we played,

My brother John and I.

“And when the ground was white with snow,

And I could run and slide,

My brother John was forced to go,

And he lies by her side.”

“How many are you, then,” said I,

“If they two are in heaven?”

Quick was the little Maid’s reply,

“O Master! we are seven.”

“But they are dead; those two are dead!

Their spirits are in heaven!”

’Twas throwing words away; for still

The little Maid would have her will,

And said, “Nay, we are seven!” 

www.poetryfoundation.org 

As hard as it is sometimes, I am going to keep fighting to keep Alma alive in our family. How could a mother ever forget her child? I carried Alma inside of me for 9 months and was able to bond with him during that short amount of time. I have felt his spirit and his love, and I know that he is real. I really was pregnant with him, I really gave birth to him, and I really had to say goodbye and watch my firstborn child be buried in the ground. It was all real. It all happened. For now death separates us, but I know without a doubt that I will get to see my baby again someday. 

Until then I hope I can be like the little girl in the poem and proudly say that we are a family of four.

 I know that the next time someone asks me, I won't hesitate to say that Aidan is our first child we are raising here and his older brother is watching overhead in heaven - even if that means changing my answer in front of an entire classroom filled with college students.

“Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: ‘You will have the joy, the pleasure and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.'"

~Joseph F. Smith ~ 

Families Are Forever

A little over five weeks - Update

Our little Aidan is already a little over five weeks old. Time flies! I can't believe that exactly six weeks ago this coming Thursday Jayze and I were in the hospital awaiting his arrival. The nine months he was inside me already seems so long ago, and it's still surreal to me that I have been pregnant 18 months of my life and have two children-one here with me and one watching over us in heaven.

These past five weeks have gone by so fast, but so many things have happened! I want to remember little milestones and moments that I'll probably forget later on, so here's a little update on Aidan.

The first couple of days were great. We were able to take Aidan home from the hospital, which was the best ever. It was so nice to have a little baby with us. I didn't have to come home to an empty house.

A few days later were a little rough though. Aidan got jaundice and he was on the bili ribin blanket for four days. It was hard feeding him and carrying him around with the blanket on him 24/7. But even though it was hard to go to the hospital every day and have his foot pricked, I was grateful he didn't have to stay in the hospital until he got better. It was nice having the option of keeping him home. Modern technology is awesome. My mom called him my glowing baby! :)

We tried hard to get the whole nursing thing down, but the stress of everything going on in life caused a decrease in my milk supply. No matter what I did, I just couldn't get it up to par. At his first doctor's appointment Aidan lost a whole pound and only gained an ounce in a week. I prayed hard about it, and despite wanting to nurse so badly, I felt strongly to bottle feed him. Having another option has been a huge blessing. After being solely on formula, he gained a pound in one week! Way to go kiddo! :)

 

He takes a pacifier sometimes, mostly just when he is tired and needs something to suck on.

He has recently discovered his tongue. He sticks it out and rolls it around in his mouth. He'll stop and stare at me if I stick out my tongue at him and do the same motion. :)

The doctor told us to wait a month before bringing him out to public, crowded places. We kind of cheated and his first trip to the store was when he was 3 weeks old. We figured it was alright since he was asleep and covered in his car seat the whole time. I think it worked because he didn't get the sickness that's been going around.

He went through a growth spurt when he was only three weeks old. He would wake up starving after only 1-2 hours after eating and then eat only one ounce during one feeding and then 4-5 ounces during another feeding - that lasted about 3 days. So glad he is back to eating his typical 4 ounces every 3-4 hours!

He loves being swaddled. Sometimes when I can't get him to go to sleep, I realize that I haven't swaddled him yet and it does the trick.

He has rolled over once during tummy time but hasn't since. It shocked me when he did! He looked pleased with himself. Now every time we do tummy time, I have my phone close by so I can try to record it in case he does roll over again!

He is like his momma and loves being in the sun. 

And he LOVES moving around in his sleep. Observe:

Starting to escape

Worked himself free

When he was born he was 7 lbs. 13 oz. and 20 inches long. As of 10/30/14, he weighs 9.44 lbs and is 21 and 1/4 inches long. 

And in the past five weeks I:

• have been peed on more times than I can count
• am up at least 1-3 times a night
• have cried at least once a day
• have kissed Aidan's chubby cheeks about a billion times
• have taken so many pictures
• need a five-minute break but then miss him after five minutes
• have sung out loud more often than I have in a long time
• have taken hours to do one homework assignment that should have taken me an hour
• have felt more love than I ever thought possible

I am smitten with this little man of mine, and I am so grateful he is here.