Dear Alma,

February 2017

Hey bud, can you believe it's been four years (tomorrow)? Four years since I first saw you and held you in my arms. I didn't ever want to let you go, but of course, Dad had to have his turn too. :) We switched back and forth all day long until we had to let you go and leave the hospital with empty arms.

It seems like every time I sit down in front of this screen, words leave me. Lately it's been overwhelming to write to an audience. I think that's why I'm finally writing to you. It feels less overwhelming when all I need to do is talk to you.

This month has been so, so hard. So unbelievably difficult. I thought that after four years your birthday, and the days leading up to it, would get easier. They have been a little easier in the past, but this year. Oh, Alma, this year has been one of the hardest yet.

My arms aren't empty like they were four years ago, but they still feel heavy. When I hold on tightly to your two brothers, something is still lacking...I miss clinging to my invisible four-year-old. You should be playing on the couch, wrestling, laughing, running around, and teasing your brothers too. You and Aidan should be teaching Kimball how to hold a book and laughing at jokes only you three understand.

There is so much I want to say, yet I've felt inadequate to express my kaleidoscope of emotions. Sad you aren't here. Devastated at the outcome. Hope in the future. Joy in the moments I feel you close by. Imagining what it would be like if you were here.

Looking back at the past four years, I know I'm stronger, but I also know it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to miss you because you're real and you are my child. It's okay to cry and mourn and wish you were here for,

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

Kahlil Gabran

It's okay to want to see you again and feel the weight of you in my arms and just...be with you.

But I also know it's okay to be happy. It's okay to love on your brothers even when you're not here. It's okay to be excited about the life I'm living right here right now. It's okay to find joy in this journey...now. To cherish each moment.

I know I won't ever get over losing you, and that's okay, too. Oddly enough, it's grief that keeps you close. I used to think it was there for just a day or a week or a month or however long it took for someone to "get over" their loved ones dying, but it's for life. And hard as it is, I'm grateful I'll never get over you.

I totally relate to what Elder Shayne M. Bowen (who lost his 8-month old baby boy) said:

"Sometimes people will ask, 'How long did it take for you to get over it?' The truth is, you will never completely get over it until you are together once again with your departed loved ones. I will never have a fulness of joy until we are reunited in the morning of the First Resurrection."

I also love his beautiful testimony that has brought me so much precious peace these past few days:

"Remember as you attended the funeral of your loved one the feelings in your heart as you drove away from the cemetery and looked back to see that solitary casket - wondering if your heart would break.

I testify that because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy. I testify that we can depend on Him and when He said:

'I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. 

'Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.'

(John 14:18-19)

I'm so grateful for Jesus Christ. He is what's made this past month possible to get through, and I know He will help me get through tomorrow too. Even though tears haven't been far away day after day since August 1, there has also been peace. There have been times when our Savior has helped me know that it's okay that it's hard and has cried with me. And times when He has stilled my soul and given me the sweet comfort only He can give.

I love you so, so, so much. Maybe it hurts so much this year because my love for you keeps growing. I hope you get a great big party in heaven for your big day. We'll be throwing our own small one here.

Love,

Mom

Anniversary and Real Life

Yesterday was Jayze's and my 5-year anniversary. This is what I posted on Instagram and Facebook:

We're now five years into our forever. ❤️ It's been a heck of a ride so far. I'm grateful for our three boys, all the date nights, the constant hand holding and Jayze opening the car door for me, apologies and start-overs, prayers, trust and faith and hope in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, long road trips, multiple moves, game nights with family and friends, talking late into the night, tons of movies, hard work (and lazy days too), and lots and lots of happiness and love. I'm grateful for our marriage and that, with God on our side and with us working as a team, we can achieve amazing things.

Every word of that post is true. It's our real life. It's not perfect, but it's us, and I'm grateful for us. 

Since our anniversary landed on a Monday, we decided to ask our friends to watch Aidan and Kimball on Friday evening while we went on a much-needed date night. We kept it really simple: dinner at a new-to-us restaurant (Logan's Roadhouse - it was delish), a walk outside and wandering in Barnes and Noble, and then to a QT (Quick Trip gas station - they're everywhere in Wichita!) for dessert. 

Jayze surprised me after dinner when we pulled up to a water fountain squeezed between two buildings of an outdoor mall. He opened my car door for me, and then we walked hand-in-hand to a bench right in front of the two-tiered fountain. 

It was a beautiful evening and thankfully it wasn't too hot since we were in the shade. We practically had the place to ourselves too, with a few people meandering here and there and a couple of ducks waddling nearby. 

Jayze pulled out a handful of pennies, and we each took turns expressing our wishes out loud and then tossing the pennies into the fountain. I was sad we hadn't been able to do it for our engagement anniversary like usual, so Jayze surprising me with it on our wedding anniversary really made it that much more special. It was a magical evening. 

We wanted to make yesterday really special too, since it was the actual date of our anniversary, but this is what happened instead:

Kimball's doing :)

Not shown: a huge stack of dishes piled in the kitchen sink

Jayze had a super stressful day at work (as in really, really, REALLY stressful) and I had a really stressful day at home. I felt bad he came home to a messy house and no yummy dinner or homemade treat, and he felt bad coming home so stressed. We both hugged each other, said we didn't mind, and were relieved neither of us were disappointed with the situation. 

We ended up hitting up Taco Bell, browsing Costco, and doing Family Home Evening in our van on the drive home (which ended up being one of our best ones, actually). For our FHE treat, we splurged and bought some delicious chocolate milk we had sampled at Costco a few weeks back. Then we put the kids to bed, drank more chocolate milk, and watched Shark Tank. Later, we snuggled in bed, talked until both of us could barely keep our eyes open, said prayers, and fell asleep.

Despite all the stress during the day, the end of the day turned out pretty darn good. Five years is nothing to sneeze at, and I'm excited to see where the next five years takes us. 

I love you, my Jayze Flake.