When I was in and out of the car between errands, I checked to see if Aidan was awake or not, and thankfully he was asleep. I felt a twinge of guilt. The poor little guy, it seems like he's always in the car seat these days. Thanks to me being in full-time school and Jayze in part-time school and work.
I finally got done with my last errand and was on my way home when at the most random time, it hit me. I was waiting for the stoplight to turn from red to green when I realized that I missed Alma. When that thought hit, grief was right at its heels.
I tried to trace my mind back to a specific moment that caused the trigger. Why was I suddenly angry and bitter? Why did I suddenly miss him when I hadn't felt that way for the past few weeks? Why did my heart suddenly hurt so much?
I thought about one of my appointments that day where I was in contact with a lot of other women and their babies. Then I thought about the conversation I had overheard between two other women as I was in the waiting room:
"Are you in school?"
"No, I'm graduated, which is so nice. My sister has two kids and is still in school I don't think I could do that!"
It wasn't anything super significant. In fact, as I was half-listening I agreed with her. Going to school with two kids would be hard. It's hard doing it with one baby.
But it must have been a delayed reaction because when the grief hit me, I realized why the conversation bothered me a little bit. It's because I have two kids. I'm supposed to be going to school while raising two children, too.
Once that thought hit, memories came flooding back into my mind. Being pregnant with Alma, finding out we lost him, giving birth in a silent room, holding him in my arms for less than 24 hours, walking away from his graveside, going back to work the week after, starting school less than a month later, finding out we're pregnant with his little brother, 9 months of trying to find and have hope and faith after such a tremendous loss...
I realized that the trigger hit me so strong in the car that day because I have been holding back my feelings for Alma.
We had Aidan, and with him, the grief was even stronger because I truly knew what I have missed out on losing Alma. But I didn't really have too much time to think about it. I started school four days after we had Aidan, which kept me crazy busy. Christmas break came, but Jayze and I just enjoyed spending as much time as we could with Aidan before school started again. School started, and it has ended up being even harder and more stressful than last semester.
I still read other women's blogs who have gone through a similar experience as me. They help me know that I'm not alone in this trial and that some of the feelings I have are normal. The past few weeks, though, I would read them and move on. I felt like I didn't think or feel the same way anymore, but I found out that's not true. I found out that ignoring my loss will not make it go away. Busyness will not make it go away. Repressing it will not make it go away. No matter what I do, the loss will always be there.
I can move on. I can look back at our experience with Alma and smile now, but with tears still behind my eyes. Because for me, he will never be forgotten.
So if you have loved ones who have experienced a loss, please be patient with them. We can still be happy and at peace knowing our loved ones are with our Heavenly Father, but that doesn't mean we still don't miss them.
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