I also ache more.
I ache for the moments I'll never get in this life. Ache for the moments I never got to see him alive. Ache for the moments I don't get to see him interact with, play with, and love on Aidan.
My anxiety for this baby to be born has gone up, although I've tried not to let it get the best of me. I get so excited about having another baby and the thought of seeing Aidan with his little brother, and then I get...scared.
Scared that I'll have to bury this child, too. Scared Aidan will be left with two brothers in heaven. Scared I'll have to go through the same trial again.
As I'm progressing farther, I'm reminded over and over again that there is no safe zone for me. No safe zone in this pregnancy. It could happen at anytime and anywhere. It could happen in the middle of the night when I'm sleeping and not counting the baby's movements.
I've been pushing these feelings down, trying to feel like a normal pregnant person - full of hope, only worrying about the aches and pains and no sleep and weird food cravings. But my innocence is gone. I don't get that first-time pregnancy joy again...I've lost it. I've lost my baby before, and it's hard to find that beautiful joy other women who haven't lost a baby have of knowing all the pregnancy hardships will be worth it once my baby is in my arms. I don't know if I'll get that.
As I've thought about and pondered all these thoughts (and more) this past week, I was reminded of a quote from President Thomas S. Monson's most recent general conference talk, "Be an Example and a Light.":
"Remember that faith and doubt cannot exist in the same mind at the same time, for one will dispel the other. I reiterate what we have been told repeatedly—that in order to gain and to keep the faith we need, it is essential that we read and study and ponder the scriptures. Communication with our Heavenly Father through prayer is vital. We cannot afford to neglect these things, for the adversary and his hosts are relentlessly seeking for a chink in our armor, a lapse in our faithfulness. Said the Lord, 'Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good.'"
Satan works hard on all of us, especially when we're trying to be righteous and good. He tries to overshadow me with doubt, and sometimes he wins because I let him. I let doubt dispel my faith and listen to all of the things Satan tells me that can go wrong in this pregnancy, or with life in general.
But I'm learning more and more that it's MY choice. I choose to let Satan in or not. I choose to have faith or doubt. And the more I have faith and act on my faith by reading, studying, and pondering the scriptures and praying to my Heavenly Father, the more peace, joy, and love I'll feel. Strength will fill my soul, and I will claim the promise that "all things shall work together for [my] good."
Things will work out. If I don't get this baby now, I pray I can be worthy to be with him and Alma in heaven. BUT, I am hoping with all my heart and trying to have faith that I'll get this baby here.
I'm hoping I'll get to bring him home and learn about him and snuggle him.
Figure out how to take care of a baby and a toddler on so little sleep.
Figure out how to grocery shop with two children.
Be amazed that my love has multiplied yet again for another child.
I am a mother - it is my greatest calling. I love being a mother. It is the best hard I have ever done. My testimony of motherhood has grown so much, of family, and of marriage. That's what this life is about, and I'm grateful to be part of it.
So, without further ado, here is my pregnancy update:
Cravings: I've become a pickier eater. Definitely. I only want cereal, toast, yogurt, fruit, breads, smoothies, sweet treats (mostly baked goods and chocolate) - pretty much breakfast and easy foods. Probably why I have been feeling tired. I need to vamp up my diet!
Aversions: Spaghetti (unless it's with meatballs...like I said, I have turned into a picky eater). Beans, enchiladas, pizza (except homemade), stir fry, soup. Surprisingly, Mexican food. But, once I start eating something, then I enjoy eating it. It's weird.
Movement: LOVE feeling this baby move. It's still at the point where it doesn't hurt. This baby is a mover, too, which is the best ever.
Heartburn? If I don't eat frequently enough, in comes the burn. However, it generally goes away when I eat cereal with milk.
Sleep: Because of vivid dreams, I don't sleep very well. I've woken up in a cold sweat a few times. It's nice I can take a nap during Aidan's nap time if I need to.
Best moment this week: Getting to hear the baby's heartbeat. I had to take the gestational diabetes test (yucky drink, but I passed!), and his heartbeat was beating like crazy. It was so fun to hear it and know he's doing well.
It was also awesome hitting 30 weeks. Just 10 more weeks to go!
