Dark, ominous waves crashed against the side of the boat, spraying fine, cold mists across anxious faces and frantic-working hands struggling to control the bobbing boat. Lightening lit up the black sky and thunder crashed in the not-too-far distance. The wind tossed them on the rippling waves, and it seemed the night would never end and all hope was lost.
Suddenly, there in the distance, was a white light in the form of a person. As the figure neared, the men in the boat realized it was walking on water. The appearance of the strange phantom, in addition to the angry storm, seemed to push them over the edge and they cried out in fear.
"But straightway Jesus spake unto them, saying, Be of good cheer; it is I; be not afraid."
Then one of the men in the boat called Peter said, "Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water."
And the Lord answered, "Come."
Peter did come. With the furious wind still blowing his hair and the waves threatening to swallow him up, Peter came. He stepped out of the unsteady boat and placed one foot after the other onto the likewise unsteady water. Taking one step at a time, Peter walked on water toward the Son of God - his friend, his master, his Savior.
His drenched robes dripped water back into the tumultuous sea, his eyes on Jesus, his path straight. Until, Peter realized where he was and what he was doing. Who was he to walk on water? The wind sounded in his ears, the water felt cold, and Peter's faith wavered and he feared. Slowly, he began to sink.
And, probably with waving arms, he cried out, "Lord, save me."
"And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him, and said unto him, O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" (Matthew 14:24-31)
I love the story of Peter walking on water because I'm like Peter - we're all like Peter. There are times I walk confidently towards the Savior, but then realize that I'm doing more than I thought I was capable of. I see the winds trying to blow me over and the water struggling to swallow me whole and my faith wavers. I take my eyes off the Savior and worry about all of my troubles and heartaches and despairs and sins and begin to sink because I'm trying to fix them all on my own and it's not working. I can't do it on my own - I need the Savior.
In 17 days, Alma would have been 2 years old. How do I deal with this? The unworried moments leading up to finding out he died. The short, beautiful moments I had him in my arms. The agonizing moments after burying him.
There are so many emotions going through my mind and my heart I can barely comprehend. So many missed moments. I'll never get to see Alma play with Aidan in this life. Or take his first day of school picture. Or watch him balance and ride a bike for the first time. So many questions. How did this happen? Why did this happen? So many doubts. What did I do wrong? Was I not good enough?
Feeling broken.
The hurt has eased up, but there are still moments when I'm angry and wonder why. There are still moments when I catch my breath and realize my life isn't the same as it would have been with Alma here. There are still moments when I wipe away my tears, wondering, wishing, speculating, hurting, feeling broken all over again...
I was looking through my journal recently and came across a sticky note with short reminders I didn't want to forget about during the months after losing Alma. A few stood out to me: "same story of faith," joy amidst the sorrow, immersion in spiritual things, generosity.
Faith, joy, spirit, generosity. These are things that point to Christ. Yes, I had numbing emotions, empty arms, emotional and physical pain, but I also had love, happiness, a sense of humor, and peace - things that only come from the Savior.
Some days I lost my faith and I let the wave of grief wash over me and drag me down. Some days my faith was less than perfect and I let the wave of anger engulf me. Some days I lost sight of what was really important and let the wind blow me over and let the wave of fear and doubt overtake me.
There were days I thought I was drowning.
And there are still days when I let the waves conquer me and the wind rip me apart, and I begin to drown. Those days aren't over. But, my Savior has always been there for me. He immediately stretches forth his hand and saves me from drowning. He saves me from the immense, black deep gulf of misery and anguish and brings me back to Him. I may be soaking wet, but because of Jesus Christ, my faith is restored.
"When [Christ] says to the poor in spirit, “Come unto me,” He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way" (Jeffrey R. Holland, Broken Things to Mend, 2006).
The Savior knows what each of us go through. He has been there himself because He took upon himself each of our pains and sorrows and sins. He knows how to comfort each of us. I know because I've been there. I may lose sight of my Savior, but He never loses sight of me. And He never loses sight of you.
 | |
| pinterest.com |
I'm still on the mend. I'm still in the healing process. But it's a lot easier when I let Christ do it instead of sitting in the corner licking my own wounds hoping they'll heal on their own painlessly and without infection. But it doesn't work that way. Doing it on my own brings me zero real happiness. With Christ, I can have joy amidst the sorrow. I can feel love because love comes from Him. I can show him my wounds and cry and come to him, and He can doctor them up, give me the proper salves, and help heal me. It takes time, but I'm never alone when I focus my eyes on the Savior. And whether I lose my faith or not, He's always there to be my anchor.
So, hold onto your faith. Don't give up. When Christ extends his arm, grasp it and don't let go. He knows you perfectly, and He loves you perfectly. He can mend you and heal you and make you whole.
"If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. If you are
discouraged, please know you can find hope. If you are poor in spirit,
please know you can be strengthened. If you feel you are broken, please
know you can be mended."
~ Jeffrey R. Holland ~
