Sleepless Nights

I carefully bounced Aidan in the dark until his eyes started drooping. When I was sure that he was drowsy, I softly set him back in his pack 'n play and quietly climbed back into bed. It was 3:00 in the morning. Even though I was exhausted, I knew it was going to be a little while before I would actually fall asleep. 

I couldn't help but think of how much I love listening to the sound of Aidan breathing.  It's so much better than the nights I spent awake knowing the room next to me where a baby was supposed to be was empty and silent.

I thought about all the times I have gone to the grocery store during the past few weeks, carrying Aidan in the baby carrier and trying not to slip on the snow. My hands and arms are no longer empty.

I thought about how I almost always have a baby in the backseat of the car with me now. 

I thought about visiting the ladies I worked with and how the beginning of the semester seems so far away now. I thought about how much I miss working, but I also remember the ache I felt returning to the office empty-handed having just left my baby in Arizona. This time when I visited them, they were able to hold my second baby instead of just asking about him.

I thought about the time when I went back to the doctor to get my blood drawn to see if it indicated what went wrong with the pregnancy. This time around, I got to go back with a baby in tow.

I thought about all the times I had a breakdown at school.

I thought about the times when I couldn't look at any of the babies at church.

I thought about when I cried as I packed away Alma's things and now Aidan uses all of his things. I don't think Alma minds.

I thought about all of the sleepless nights and all of the heartache I've felt.

Now my sleepless nights are filled with holding a baby in my arms as I feed him. Now part of my heart is healed because I am a mother again. 

There in the dark in the early morning I thought of how blessed I am to have my baby boy asleep next to me.

And how blessed I am to have my other baby boy above me watching over me in Heaven. 

I turned over to my side, brought the blanket up to my chin, and smiled - finally able to fall back asleep.