Crying

Yesterday Aidan would NOT take a nap.

Ever since he turned five weeks old I decided to try to train him to fall asleep without me having to rock or bounce him to sleep. I would change his diaper, swaddle him up, and then bounce him until his eyes started drooping. While he was still drowsy I would set him in his pack 'n play and have him put himself the rest of the way to sleep. We had him cry it out a few times until finally he was able to fall asleep on his own. What a relief! It was soooo hard to leave the bedroom and close the door on his crying. I would go in and comfort him after five minutes, leave, go in after ten minutes, leave, and so on until he finally fell asleep. I tried not to pick him up when I went in to comfort him, but he actually did a LOT better and fell asleep easier when I did comfort him by picking him up. Once his body was trained to fall asleep, all I had to do was the routine and he would cry for maybe five minutes if that and then fall asleep for an hour or two.

Yesterday was a different story.

Every time I tried to put him in his pack 'n play he would cry and cry and cry and CRY. He screamed like I had never heard him scream before. When I went in to comfort him, he would immediately stop crying once I picked him up. I had to get some homework done, so finally in desperation I brought him out to the living room with me and bounced him in his bouncer until he fell asleep five minutes later. 

He got his vaccination shots last Friday and it didn't seem to faze him at all. We actually only gave him Tylenol once but that's it. So I knew since it had been a few days since then he wasn't in pain. I think he has just been a little needy. Every time I leave the room now he'll cry.

For the record, today has been MUCH better.:)

I was looking at some of my old posts and came across this one and read the line, "He [Heavenly Father] was there when someone made a complaint about being a father or mother and complained about having to get up during the night because their baby didn't stop crying.  I didn't even get to hear my baby cry...."

That line hit me hard and then I started crying. Definitely a crying fest at my house.

When Aidan was born I didn't realize how hard it was to get up with a crying baby. Some nights I would beg Jayze to change Aidan's diaper so that I could sleep for five more minutes. Some nights I would sit there listening to Aidan cry, willing him to fall asleep again.

Reading from my old post when my grief was still so fresh from losing Alma made me realize how easily I forget.

I forgot how much I would do anything to get to hear Alma cry. To be able to get up in the night with him no matter how tired I am. To be able to hold him in my arms and try to soothe him by kissing his forehead, singing to him, and letting him know that I'm there.

Motherhood can be so tiring, but I wouldn't trade it for anything because I know what it's like on the other side.

I know what it's like to give birth in a silent room. I know what it's like to hold something so precious in my arms and not be able to take it home with me. I know what it's like to stay awake late into the night listening to the silence of no crying or breathing baby next to me. I know what it's like to long for something so much but not being able to have it. I know what it's like to notice a family walking together hand in hand with a baby in their arms, wishing desperately that things were different and that Jayze and I could walk hand and hand with our baby Alma in our arms. I know what it's like to hear stories told of couples losing their children and knowing exactly how they feel. I know what it's like to feel bitterness towards a pregnant person and her happiness. I know what it's like to try not to feel a grudge towards couples who just had their first baby and they were able to take him or her home with them. I know what it's like to hear others complaining about their kids and knowing that I would switch places with them in an instant. I know what it's like to feel like a failure because my body wasn't able to keep my baby alive.

How could I have ever forgotten?

That hearing Aidan's cry in the hospital was really the best sound I had ever heard in my whole life.

That when Aidan was still only a couple of weeks old I would hurry and take pictures of him crying just because I thought it was the cutest thing in the entire world.

That when Jayze and I drove around in the car with Aidan in the back seat because we were tired of being cooped up and Aidan was crying and crying and we didn't know what to do. And when he suddenly stopped crying we wished he would start up again because we realized it let us know he was okay.

It's a hard balance. It's hard to hear Aidan cry because as a mother I just want him to be happy. But at the same time I'm so grateful he can cry. I'm grateful I know what it sounds like. And I'm grateful he knows I'm his mom and that I love him and I can comfort him. 

I don't ever want to take motherhood for granted. I don't want to ever again forget the relief and utter joy I felt when Aidan made it here safely in my arms - a healthy, living, crying baby.

Being a mother is what I was born to do, and someday I can't wait to hold Alma in my arms again and be able to hear his beautiful cry.

October 17, 2014 - 3 weeks old