Forcing Myself

I was looking on the school bulletin board the other day in the baby genre, and I saw that a girl was selling a big bag of baby boy clothes.  I thought to myself, "Well, I know we need some clothes, and it's a pretty good deal."

So, I emailed her.

I asked her if any of the items were long-sleeved and how many were in the bag, and she replied that most of the things in the bag were long-sleeved and there were about 50 clothing items.  Since I'm having a Fall/Winter baby and since we live in Rexburrrrrrrrrrg (negative degree weather), I thought, "Score!" and got the girl's address so I could go take a look at the clothes in person.

She texted me her address, and I hopped in the car after work and went looking for it.  I finally found it, parked my car, and found her outside sweeping her front steps with a little boy closely standing by.  I introduced myself again, and she led me to where the clothes were.

There inside was another little baby.  He was so cute and, come to find out later, was only about 3 months old.

I didn't realize how hard it would be to not stare at him.  Even though Alma would have been about 9 months old, the little jolts and punches I get in my stomach when I unexpectedly see a baby boy still surprise me.

The girl was super nice.  She went into a room and brought out the clothes.  As I grabbed the huge garbage bag and dumped out the clothes on her couch, I had to blink back some unexpected tears.  What was wrong with me?  I didn't want to cry in front of this stranger who probably thought I would be crazy just crying in front of some baby boy clothes instead of oooing and ahhhing.

I was able to gain control of myself and kept myself distracted by asking her some questions and trying not to focus on the baby clothes too much.

Then the question from her came.

"Is this your first pregnancy?"

I said, "No, this is my second."

"Oh, then you must have had a girl."

I shook my head and said, "No, we had a baby boy."  

I knew what was coming, but wasn't sure I wanted to spoil her happiness and cause an inevitable awkward silence, so I kept going through the clothes and avoided eye contact.

She went on, "Well, he must have been a summer baby."

There was no escape.  I braced myself and told her, "No, he was born in the winter.  But he was...he was stillborn."

Silence.

"Oh."

I kind of babbled on and said, "Yeah, so we didn't really have a chance to, you know, get clothes for him."

Which was kind of a lie because I was 37 weeks when Alma passed away and we had plenty of opportunities to get clothes for him.  I guess it was kind of a tender mercy we didn't buy very many things for Alma because we didn't spend tons of money and I only had a box full of baby things to pack away out of sight instead of a room full of baby things.

I announced that I would buy the clothes, gave her the money, said thank you, and walked out.  I was sad that yet again, I had to explain that this was my second baby but technically the first one I'm raising.  Lately, I just feel bad about making it awkward for other people.  I know that if I had Alma here and someone told me they had had a stillborn, I wouldn't know what to say either.  What can you say?  "I'm sorry" just doesn't seem to cut it.

But what was also going through my mind as I walked away with the bag of clothes in hand was that I wasn't happy about my purchase.  I came home, dumped the bag in the spare bedroom on the floor, and closed the door on my way out.  When I told Jayze what I had bought, I half-heartedly asked him, "Do you want to see what they look like?"

The excitement just wasn't there.  Whenever I start thinking about all the baby things we didn't buy for Alma that we will need for this baby, I wonder if there's even a point to buying it.  

I don't want to have to pack away a huge pack 'n play, a stroller, a high chair, a car seat, diapers, pacifiers, wipes...

I realized that I have been forcing myself to look at baby things on the bulletin board, forcing myself to walk through the baby section at Walmart, forcing myself to prepare for a baby that I might not have the chance to raise here in this life.  I think of the money I have that could be spent on the baby, but find myself wanting to spend it on Jayze and me instead.  

And maybe it will be okay in the end...but how do I know for sure?  I realize that I really don't know for sure.  No one knows for sure.  I wish my doctors knew.  I wish Jayze knew.  I wish I knew.  But we don't.  

Only Heavenly Father knows the outcome.  He is the one who knows whether I will get to bring this second baby home with me or not.  

Sometimes I wish He would just tell me.  Just give my hand a squeeze and let me know that everything is going to be okay.

But then I realize that He has already done that.  He has already let me know that no matter what happens with this next baby, everything is going to be okay.  Even if things turn out exactly the same as last time, it will somehow all be okay.  

It's going to be okay because I have Him on my side, and He knows what is best for this baby - not me.   

So right now, I'm just going to keep forcing myself.  I'm going to get the clothes, the diapers, the wipes, the pack 'n play, the stroller, the car seat, decorations for the baby's room.  I'm going to help Jayze put the crib together, clean it, and put crib bedding in it.  I'm going to keep having faith and hope that I'll get to raise this baby here right now.

Because when I finally get to hold this second baby boy in my arms, I will know that all the pain, all the worry, all the heartache, all the stress, all the tears, all the sleepless nights, all the "what if's," all the doctor's appointments, all the pleadings, all of it will be worth it. 

“It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.” 

~Gordon B. Hinckley ~