Empty Arms

 "I left the hospital with empty arms..."

...is a phrase I have seen a lot from moms who have given birth to a stillborn baby.

I remember leaving the hospital and my arms felt so heavy.  And I wondered how they could feel so heavy when they were empty.  I wasn't holding onto anything, but I felt like I could barely lift them.

As I've researched and read of others' experiences of leaving the hospital without their baby, I found that the feeling is called "Empty Arm Syndrome."

Many different websites describe it different ways.  After a woman has a miscarriage, gives birth to a stillborn baby, or their baby has passed away from SIDS, they may experience aching arms and feel a need to fill them somehow.  Some women need to sleep with a teddy bear, others want to hold other babies all the time, and others can't bear to look at a baby for a long time.  For me, it took awhile to even be able to look at a baby.  Also, for weeks I had to sleep with the baby blue blanket that the woman gave me in the hospital.

I still have that empty arm syndrome, especially lately.  Whenever I feel my baby kick or move, my arms ache.  I want to not just feel him inside of me, but I want to feel him outside of me.  I want to feel his weight in my arms and fill them up.  I want to give him endless kisses and hugs and never set him down.

I remember when the nurse set Alma in my arms.  It was almost surreal.  I couldn't believe that he had been inside of me only moments before and then there he was in my arms.  He was a baby.  And he wasn't just a baby, but he was my baby.  I had carried him for almost 9 months, and like a miracle, there he was.

I long for the weight of a baby in my arms again.  And not just the weight of any baby, because that's just too hard right now.  But I long for the weight of my baby again.

As I've thought about the empty arm syndrome and about Alma being in heaven with our Savior and Heavenly Father, I've thought about how Lehi described his feelings in The Book of Mormon:

• "But behold, the Lord hath redeemed my soul from hell; I have beheld his glory, and I am encircled about eternally in the arms of his love" (2 Nephi 1:15, emphasize added).

And also God's promise to Oliver Cowdery:

• "Behold, thou art Oliver, and I have spoken unto thee because of thy desires; therefore treasure up these words in thy heart. Be faithful and diligent in keeping the commandments of God, and I will encircle thee in the arms of my love" (D&C 6:20, emphasize added).

I'm so grateful that the Lord's arms are never empty - He is always encircling one of us in the arms of His love.

I pray that my arms will also never be empty, even now.  That I can hold my husband, that I can hold my children, that I can hold someone who is hurting, and that I can hold dear the things that are eternal.

And I'll forever be grateful for the knowledge that Alma is safe and happy and in our Savior's loving arms.

"Arms now empty will be filled, and hearts now hurting from broken dreams and yearning will be healed." 
(Boyd K. Packer, "The Witness," 2014)

 http://www.altusfineart.com/home/afa/smartlist_277/simon_dewey_in_his_constant_care.html

Good resource:
"Coping with the Heartache of Miscarriage"