25 Weeks: It Could Happen

There I was lying on my back...again...thinking of what brought me back here...again.

Fear, anxiety, what if's, knowing that it could happen...again...at any moment.

Just the day before, I was at work thinking of the projects in front of me. But always in the back of my mind I was thinking of the baby inside of me.

He wasn't moving...again.

I knew the tricks of the trade from my last pregnancy to get him moving again.  Poke my stomach, drink something cold, eat something sugary, turn on some music...

Seeing as I wanted to remain professional while on the clock, I refrained from turning on hard-rock music full blast and instead resorted to quietly guzzling cold water and eating Dove chocolate (a favorite of the office).

A small jab, a quick punch, then...nothing.

It seemed like I couldn't get the baby to wake up.  It was starting to worry me because he normally jumps around like crazy.

I fought down the panic that was attempting to surface and told myself that after work I would go home, lie on my left side, and drink more cold water.

Instead, I went home and made dinner - I didn't want to have to face going to the doctor for an unscheduled heartbeat check...again.  So, I did anything but try to feel the baby move.  I even did the dishes after dinner.

Jayze came home from work, and I tried to be positive and focus on what he was saying, but more and more thoughts of worry pushed themselves from the back of my mind to the forefront and I couldn't concentrate.

Was the baby okay?  Was he just resting?  WHY WASN'T HE KICKING???

I finally told Jayze what was on my mind and told him - more to reassure myself - that I hadn't felt the baby move very much that day, but everything was probably okay.  That because I had eaten so much sugar that day to try to wake him up, he was probably in a sugar coma.

Still, I laid down on the couch, drank some hot chocolate (yes, we still have cold days in June - it's Rexburg), and prayed to feel the baby move.

There!  Another jab, another half-hearted punch, then...nothing.  Again.

Why did there have to be nothing?  What had happened to my acrobatic little man?

"The first sign of something wrong is the heartbeat slowing down," the nurse's voice echoed in my head.  

 Jayze remained calm, while every part of me felt worried and tense.  He let me know later that he was scared too, but he felt like he needed to be there to reassure me.  

I went to bed that night with worry still weighing on my mind.  Every time I woke up, I craved to feel the baby move, but he didn't.  There was no movement, and I couldn't just let it go.  I kept thinking, "What if it happens again?  What if I go to the doctor tomorrow morning and there's no heartbeat?  I've been kidding myself...of course it could happen again."  I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, and I just felt like something was wrong.  Before that night I had been able to feel the baby move every time I woke up, but this night was different.

The next morning, I went back and forth in my mind wondering if I should go to the doctor...again.  Wondering if I could face their questioning glances...again.  Wondering if they would roll their eyes and think, "Here comes that crazy, anxious lady...again."

But I needed the reassurance.  I needed to know if this baby was okay or not.  I had felt him move a few times, but I wondered if the cord was around his neck and that's why he wasn't moving as much.

"The first sign of something wrong is the heartbeat slowing down..."

I told Jayze, "I can't do this.  I can't do it if it happens again."  He held me and let me know he was there and he would go to the doctor's office with me.

We decided to go.  I called my supervisor at work and let her know I was going to be a little late because I had to get a heartbeat check.  I had to.

So there we were in the doctor's office...again.  Me lying on my back, anxiously waiting for the nurse to put the heart doppler on my belly so we could all be reassured that everything was okay.

She placed the heart doppler on my belly, I held my breath, and then...there it was...again.

My baby's heartbeat.

The nurse let us listen for awhile, and my baby's heartbeat was music to my ears.  My belly kept moving around, enough to where Jayze and the nurse could see it on the outside, and I said, "Of course he starts showing off when we come to the doctor's."

As we exited the office and Jayze opened the door for me to get in the car, I couldn't hold it in any longer.  I started to cry...again.  Jayze held my hand as I cried and asked me, "Are you glad we went?"

 I said, "Yes...and no.  I don't want to be that person who constantly worries all the time.  I don't want the nurses to be mad when I come in because I come in all the time."

Jayze responded, "Remember what your work told you?  'Don't be afraid of man - fear God more than man.'  Don't worry about what anyone else thinks.  We need to do what's best for us in our situation.  You're not crazy."
 
During the weeks that Jayze and I have known we are pregnant, a nagging, ugly thought has always been in the back of my mind, "It could happen again, y'know."  I hate that it can happen again.  I hate not knowing what went wrong last time because it seems like there is no way to make things right this time.  All I can do is do some things the same and change other things, hoping it will be enough and that this baby will be okay.

Knowing that it could happen again brought me to another thought.  One that the character, J.P., in one of my favorite movies, Angels in the Outfield, is constantly saying. 

He is always saying, "Hey, it could happen," in a positive light.  As if all of your dreams can come true.  As if no matter how weird, crazy, strange, or hard your dream may be, it can happen.  Here is this foster kid who, despite all odds, believes in miracles.  Despite how incredulous and hard it is for others to believe that his friend, Roger, sees angels in the outfield, J.P. believes without a doubt because in his mind, "...it could happen."

Turning "it could happen" from a negative to a positive light has suddenly made all the difference.  I can suddenly turn, "It could happen that this baby won't make it either," to "It could happen that I can take the baby home."

It could happen that I'll get to see the color of his eyes.  It could happen that I'll get to raise him here.  It could happen that I'll get to see him smile, laugh, walk, run, talk, be sassy, learn, drive, play sports, go on a date, graduate high school, go on a mission, get married, have children...

And even though bad things "could happen" to people or people could let bad things happen to them, it could also happen that those same people will

• become stronger because of their trials
• change a bad habit
• establish a good habit
• make good choices
• find a job
• heal from a broken heart
• win first place
• climb a mountain
• heal from the death of a loved one
• have the strength to support and serve a loved one with health issues
• run a marathon
• find peace in a scary world
• raise eight children
• say no to a temptation
• graduate college
• get married
• overcome addictions
• heal from a divorce
• forgive and forget
• live their dreams
• stand strong on their own two feet knowing they're on God's side and God is on their side.

Because "it could happen" really only matters if you're looking at it from the positive side.  Satan is wiley and crafty and mean and is a deceiver.  He wants you to only look at your insecurities and doubts and persuade you to look at "it could happen" in only a negative light.  He is powerful...but...so are you.  In fact, you are more powerful than anything evil or hard in this world, as long as you have God on your side.  But it's your choice. 

“Choose you this day whom ye will serve;" (Joshua 24:15)

Because despite all odds, even when you can't see it with your own eyes, angels will attend you.

15: And when the servant of the man of God was risen early, and gone forth, behold, an host compassed the city both with horses and chariots. And his servant said unto him, Alas, my master! how shall we do?

16: And he answered, Fear not: for they that be with us are more than they that be with them.
17: And Elisha prayed, and said, Lord, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see. And the Lord opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and, behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha.

(2 Kings 6:15-17)

We do not walk alone.  And one day, I will get to see my angel Alma again.  Maybe even in a few months my dream of holding his little brother in my arms - alive, well, and breathing - will come true.

Hey, it could happen. 

"In the course of life all of us spend time in “dark and dreary” places, wildernesses, circumstances of sorrow or fear or discouragement. Our present day is filled with global distress over financial crises, energy problems, terrorist attacks, and natural calamities...More serious than these—and sometimes related to them—are matters of ethical, moral, and spiritual decay seen in populations large and small, at home and abroad. But I testify that angels are still sent to help us, even as they were sent to help Adam and Eve, to help the prophets, and indeed to help the Savior of the world Himself" 

("The Ministry of Angels," October 2008).

~Jeffrey R. Holland~