September Snippets

I've been behind on writing on here, so I thought I'd do a little catch up because I loved September. It was busy, busy, busy, but a really fun busy and exactly what I needed.

Exploration Place:
For Labor Day we went to a science center called Exploration Place. It's in downtown Wichita. Since we first moved here people told us it's a fun place to visit. And it was! We went with our friends and their daughter and had a blast.

Aidan's favorite part was the vacuum pipe (I just made up that name). You push a piece of cloth or fuzzy ball through a little door at the bottom and the pipe sucks it in and spits it out in one of the openings at the top. It was my favorite part too, although the Superhero Exhibit was pretty cool, too.

I think Kimball's favorite part was the kid's section. He got to roam around wherever he pleased. He sold me some food, pushed around a grocery cart, stacked a few blocks, climbed onto platforms, and just had fun exploring.

I think it's safe to say that Jayze's favorite was the adult puzzles. He solved quite a few of them, and had fun showing Aidan how some of them worked.

Afterwards, we drove over to Peach Wave for some froyo (yummy!). I hadn't had soft serve frozen yogurt since Rexburg. Eating it reminded me how much I enjoy creating my own froyo bowl. It was Aidan and Kimball's first time trying it out, and they both loved it. Aidan kept asking for more but didn't understand the concept that you had to pay for it, haha. It's a little out of our way from where we live, but it's definitely on our radar now.

I didn't want to go home yet (I'm there allllll the time), so we finished the day off with Panera and FHE. It was a perfect, family-filled Labor Day.

Derby BBQ Festival:
I have been ALL about fall this year. As I mentioned in my last post, fall is my absolute favorite. At the beginning of September, I searched "Fall Festivals Wichita" online and found an advertisement for the Derby BBQ Festival. It was free, on a Saturday, they had kid activities, and the weather was supposed to be perfect.

Win, win, win, win.

We walked about a mile to get there since they didn't allow anyone to park there to prevent unneeded traffic (there were a lot of people walking around the park and the roads were narrow - once there I was glad no one was allowed to park there). It was good to be outside, and the weather forecast was right - sunny and not too hot.

We checked out the car show, bought a couple of hot dogs, went through a mini fireman regime, explored the petting zoo, tossed a bean-bag cow for a free Chick-Fil-A ice cream cone (they were nice and gave Kimball a coupon, too), and watched Aidan on the bounce house.

He even faced his fears and went down the big slide.

The bounce house was Aidan's favorite. I didn't think he'd like it since the last time I paid to let him jump all over those, he mostly just walked around and watched other kids jump on them. But to my surprise, he was so excited and didn't want to leave. It was really the best watching him, so that was my favorite, too. Plus, it was free. He also loved the playing on the playground, but no surprise there. :)

We took the shuttle back to the parking lot, and it was Aidan and Kimball's first bus ride. Kimball was nervous and didn't seem too sure about it and was wiggly almost the entire time, but Aidan really liked it.

It was a good start to our fall celebrations.

Found out the gender!
I'll write more about this one later, but yes we are pregnant with our fourth baby (!), and we found out on September 14 that we're having another BOY!

Celebrated finding out the baby's gender with Krispy Kreme donuts.

We're excited and grateful to be adding another baby to our family.

AZ trip
Since this one deserves a post all on its own (because it's was about ten days' worth), I'll write about this one later too.

Celebrated Aidan's 3rd Birthday
Guess I'll be playing catch up because I feel like this one deserves its own post, too. I can't believe Aidan is three years old. He was so excited for his birthday. Since we were in AZ, we decided to celebrate it early which I have zero regrets about. He is such a sweet boy.

General Conference (September and October):
Conference was so.good. It's always so good, but I feel like this conference (particularly the Saturday morning session) really spoke to my heart. I had the same prayer answered over and over again and a couple more prayers answered throughout. Ever since it ended, I've been trying to go over them again and glean more golden nuggets.

You can watch, read, or listen to it here. 

I highly recommend it. After all, how amazing is it that we get to listen to modern day prophets and apostles? The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is true! I am so grateful for President Monson and for his direction in these latter-days. The gospel is my anchor in these turbulent times and provides such peace and joy found only through Jesus Christ. I am so grateful I know I am a daughter of God and that He loves me and knows me by name.

How we entertained a one year old during part of the sessions.

Feels Like Fall

Yesterday I took Aidan and Kimball outside to play in the grass. The air smelled crisp and cool, and the leaves on the trees are just starting to turn color. Pine needles and sticks littered the grass, as well as brown, beat-up pine cones. The trees are still keeping the pretty ones to themselves. :) 

We barely needed light jackets, but I put them on the boys anyway. We had fun kicking the soccer ball, climbing up and down the stairs (K is addicted to those things right now), and peering up at the sky every time another plane flew by. 

Yesterday definitely felt like fall, and I loved it. 

Hitting the bottom of his shoes to activate the light-up function.

Fall is my favorite season ever, and I'm beginning to feel the change - not just outdoors, but inside of myself, too. I have all this pent-up energy just waiting to be spent on baking, crafting, drinking hot chocolate and apple cider, picking pumpkins, and snuggling up with a soft, cozy blanket. I'm ready for the chunky sweaters, wrap-around scarves, beanies, and ankle boots (I need to get me a pair). I'm ready to step on dry, crunchy leaves and soak in all the orange, red, and yellow colors.

And believe it or not, I'm excited for the cooler weather (can I get another amen for fall clothes and yes, yes, YES to more walks outside).

The sun is still warm and glowing even in a more pale sky, the trees show us their last, glorious hurrah before hunkering down for the winter, and the air smells like honey and spices and traditions and excitement.

Summer was wonderful, but I'm all about this new season, and I'm definitely welcoming it with open arms.

Jayze's Birthday

Jayze is now a whopping 27 years old! I kept asking him how he felt to be 27, and he kept responding, "Weird." Haha.

I was so excited for his birthday because:

1. It was on a Friday (9/1) - always a good thing to have a birthday on the weekend
2. I got a babysitter (who actually came to our apartment and put the kids down for bed!)
3. I planned it all out beforehand, the date part was a secret, and I had the excuse to use Groupon for the first time ever, too.

Okay, maybe that's more than three, but whatevs. :)

I was giddy by the time Jayze got off work. We fed the kids the crockpot dinner I had made earlier (since they were starving before the babysitter got there) and cleaned up our apartment to kill time. Finally 5:45 p.m. came, and we were off!

This is it in a nutshell - dinner, date, dessert.

I guess I like to keep things simple.

For dinner, we went out to eat at Logan's Roadhouse. It was another round of good, peanut-eating, throw-the-shell-on-the-floor-while-waiting-for-our-food fun. And their buttery rolls are pretty delicious, too.

The funny thing is that Jayze ordered this lean, baked chicken with a vegetable side (similar to what I ordered the last time we went), and I ordered a half-rack of ribs with mashed potatoes and fries. A different waiter (I'm assuming, helping our waiter) brought out our food and automatically began handing me the chicken. She looked so confused when I told her, "Actually, I ordered the ribs."

HAHA.

For the date, we went...mini golfing! The one in Rexburg is so-so, so I wasn't sure what to expect here, but it was so.fun. It was glow golf and we went to about six or seven different rooms and each had three or four obstacles in it, plus a glow-in-the-dark picture of an alien or spaceship peering down at us. We kept score the first round (he won, Happy Birthday, hon!), did one more round, and then did the quick Lazer Maze Challenge.

You know the movies where the robbers have the maneuver themselves around the lazer beams to get to the jewelry cases? It was like that, but we did the easy version and no cops were involved.

After our stunt with the maze challenge, we drove over to Krispy Kreme's and chowed down a couple of their delectable pastries (Jayze LOVES donuts).

The next day we celebrated with the kids by eating Taco Bell and playing at a park. We drove home for homemade cake and ice cream, and Aidan surprised both Jayze and me by knowing the words to, "Happy Birthday." He's growing up so fast.

Short version: I ran out of powdered sugar for the frosting. Since I didn't have any way to get to the store, I tried making my own powdered sugar. Turns out I should have ground it up longer in the food processor because that frosting was so, so, SO grainy. I'm glad the cake underneath it turned out...and Jayze's homemade ice cream made up for it, too. :)

It was a good weekend for all of us. I'm especially glad I got to plan out a fun, relaxing date with Jayze and that he enjoyed it, too.

I'm definitely grateful for that cute birthday boy.

Alma's Birthday

The entire month of August leading up to Alma's birthday (August 29) caused me to reflect on the whole experience of losing him. This year, I tended to dwell on the terrible, devastating parts of it, when in the past I've tried to dwell on the positive parts. I kept sinking lower and lower into this black hole. I knew how to get out of it because I've practiced the process again and again over the past four years, but this year was a struggle.

I allowed myself to go through the horrific, hard, miserable, dark details and held onto the panic, despair, loneliness, anger, and sadness that came with the very real and paralyzing flashbacks from that time. It was a constant tug and pull on my spirit, and at times I could hardly function. Aidan kept asking me if I was sad and randomly gave me hugs and kisses when he saw I was having a hard time. He still doesn't completely understand what happened to his older brother, but he could tell something was wrong.

Another thing that added to the whole hot mess was that I had no idea what to do for Alma's birthday. Even though we have a special tradition around Christmas for Alma, I've struggled every single year figuring out what to do for him on his birthday. We've done something different each time. Since I was having an especially difficult time, I knew I needed to plan something so that I would have something to look forward to instead of wanting to just stay in bed all day.

Through the years I've learned that service brings so much healing, and healing was what I was seeking so desperately. There's a sacredness to it that I wanted to bring to my home, to my family, and to my heart to help pull me out of the grieving funk. Over the first couple weeks of August, Jayze and I bounced around a few ideas and something finally stuck.

Aidan is still obsessed with cars and trucks and planes, which also includes police cars, fire engines, and ambulances. Whenever a fire trucks zooms by, we make sure to point it out. He gets excited and yells out, "Fire truck!" every time and does the same thing for police cars and ambulances. We wanted to do something that included Aidan and Kimball, so we decided to provide service to someone (and something) Aidan would get excited about...Enter the police force.

Jayze and I picked out the candy and bowl, Aidan helped me color the thank-you poster, and Kimball walked all over the poster and tried to eat the candy. :)

On Alma's birthday, I dropped Jayze off at work and drove to the police station nearest to our home. I loaded Kimball into the stroller, and held onto Aidan's hand with one hand and the poster and bowl of candy with my other hand. We struggled to open the door, but the officer at the desk graciously helped us out.

I told him it was Aidan and Kimball's older brother's birthday.

"He would be four years old, but he died when he was a baby. We wanted to come celebrate by thanking you for your service. We're grateful for all you do to keep us safe." 

A woman officer circled around her desk and asked what my baby's name was.

Tears came to my eyes as I told her, "Alma," and got to say his name out loud. I told her, "We wanted to come do this for you on his birthday." 

It wasn't extravagant, and I'm not sure if it made the police officers' day, but I know it made mine. Planning and creating and having something to look forward to made all the difference. And not just anything, but something that would get me outside myself. Instead of dreading his birthday, I became excited for it.

Through serving someone else and trying to make their day a little brighter, I felt a little brighter too and felt peace and the much-sought-after and desired healing I needed to get out of the deep, dark hole I had been in since
August 1.

And to top it off with a cherry on top, there was a park right next door to the police station.

Love you, my Alma.

"As we extend our hands and hearts toward others in Christlike love, something wonderful happens to us. Our own spirits become healed, more refined, and stronger. We become happier, more peaceful, and more receptive to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit." 

~Dieter F. Uchtdorf~

Dear Alma,

February 2017

Hey bud, can you believe it's been four years (tomorrow)? Four years since I first saw you and held you in my arms. I didn't ever want to let you go, but of course, Dad had to have his turn too. :) We switched back and forth all day long until we had to let you go and leave the hospital with empty arms.

It seems like every time I sit down in front of this screen, words leave me. Lately it's been overwhelming to write to an audience. I think that's why I'm finally writing to you. It feels less overwhelming when all I need to do is talk to you.

This month has been so, so hard. So unbelievably difficult. I thought that after four years your birthday, and the days leading up to it, would get easier. They have been a little easier in the past, but this year. Oh, Alma, this year has been one of the hardest yet.

My arms aren't empty like they were four years ago, but they still feel heavy. When I hold on tightly to your two brothers, something is still lacking...I miss clinging to my invisible four-year-old. You should be playing on the couch, wrestling, laughing, running around, and teasing your brothers too. You and Aidan should be teaching Kimball how to hold a book and laughing at jokes only you three understand.

There is so much I want to say, yet I've felt inadequate to express my kaleidoscope of emotions. Sad you aren't here. Devastated at the outcome. Hope in the future. Joy in the moments I feel you close by. Imagining what it would be like if you were here.

Looking back at the past four years, I know I'm stronger, but I also know it's okay to not be okay. It's okay to miss you because you're real and you are my child. It's okay to cry and mourn and wish you were here for,

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."

Kahlil Gabran

It's okay to want to see you again and feel the weight of you in my arms and just...be with you.

But I also know it's okay to be happy. It's okay to love on your brothers even when you're not here. It's okay to be excited about the life I'm living right here right now. It's okay to find joy in this journey...now. To cherish each moment.

I know I won't ever get over losing you, and that's okay, too. Oddly enough, it's grief that keeps you close. I used to think it was there for just a day or a week or a month or however long it took for someone to "get over" their loved ones dying, but it's for life. And hard as it is, I'm grateful I'll never get over you.

I totally relate to what Elder Shayne M. Bowen (who lost his 8-month old baby boy) said:

"Sometimes people will ask, 'How long did it take for you to get over it?' The truth is, you will never completely get over it until you are together once again with your departed loved ones. I will never have a fulness of joy until we are reunited in the morning of the First Resurrection."

I also love his beautiful testimony that has brought me so much precious peace these past few days:

"Remember as you attended the funeral of your loved one the feelings in your heart as you drove away from the cemetery and looked back to see that solitary casket - wondering if your heart would break.

I testify that because of Him, even our Savior, Jesus Christ, those feelings of sorrow, loneliness, and despair will one day be swallowed up in a fulness of joy. I testify that we can depend on Him and when He said:

'I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. 

'Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also.'

(John 14:18-19)

I'm so grateful for Jesus Christ. He is what's made this past month possible to get through, and I know He will help me get through tomorrow too. Even though tears haven't been far away day after day since August 1, there has also been peace. There have been times when our Savior has helped me know that it's okay that it's hard and has cried with me. And times when He has stilled my soul and given me the sweet comfort only He can give.

I love you so, so, so much. Maybe it hurts so much this year because my love for you keeps growing. I hope you get a great big party in heaven for your big day. We'll be throwing our own small one here.

Love,

Mom

Anniversary and Real Life

Yesterday was Jayze's and my 5-year anniversary. This is what I posted on Instagram and Facebook:

We're now five years into our forever. ❤️ It's been a heck of a ride so far. I'm grateful for our three boys, all the date nights, the constant hand holding and Jayze opening the car door for me, apologies and start-overs, prayers, trust and faith and hope in Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, long road trips, multiple moves, game nights with family and friends, talking late into the night, tons of movies, hard work (and lazy days too), and lots and lots of happiness and love. I'm grateful for our marriage and that, with God on our side and with us working as a team, we can achieve amazing things.

Every word of that post is true. It's our real life. It's not perfect, but it's us, and I'm grateful for us. 

Since our anniversary landed on a Monday, we decided to ask our friends to watch Aidan and Kimball on Friday evening while we went on a much-needed date night. We kept it really simple: dinner at a new-to-us restaurant (Logan's Roadhouse - it was delish), a walk outside and wandering in Barnes and Noble, and then to a QT (Quick Trip gas station - they're everywhere in Wichita!) for dessert. 

Jayze surprised me after dinner when we pulled up to a water fountain squeezed between two buildings of an outdoor mall. He opened my car door for me, and then we walked hand-in-hand to a bench right in front of the two-tiered fountain. 

It was a beautiful evening and thankfully it wasn't too hot since we were in the shade. We practically had the place to ourselves too, with a few people meandering here and there and a couple of ducks waddling nearby. 

Jayze pulled out a handful of pennies, and we each took turns expressing our wishes out loud and then tossing the pennies into the fountain. I was sad we hadn't been able to do it for our engagement anniversary like usual, so Jayze surprising me with it on our wedding anniversary really made it that much more special. It was a magical evening. 

We wanted to make yesterday really special too, since it was the actual date of our anniversary, but this is what happened instead:

Kimball's doing :)

Not shown: a huge stack of dishes piled in the kitchen sink

Jayze had a super stressful day at work (as in really, really, REALLY stressful) and I had a really stressful day at home. I felt bad he came home to a messy house and no yummy dinner or homemade treat, and he felt bad coming home so stressed. We both hugged each other, said we didn't mind, and were relieved neither of us were disappointed with the situation. 

We ended up hitting up Taco Bell, browsing Costco, and doing Family Home Evening in our van on the drive home (which ended up being one of our best ones, actually). For our FHE treat, we splurged and bought some delicious chocolate milk we had sampled at Costco a few weeks back. Then we put the kids to bed, drank more chocolate milk, and watched Shark Tank. Later, we snuggled in bed, talked until both of us could barely keep our eyes open, said prayers, and fell asleep.

Despite all the stress during the day, the end of the day turned out pretty darn good. Five years is nothing to sneeze at, and I'm excited to see where the next five years takes us. 

I love you, my Jayze Flake. 

Consider the lilies

During my scripture study today, these verses stuck out to me:

And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin.

Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is cast into the oven, even so will he clothe you, if ye are not of little faith.

(3 Nephi 13:28&30)

Picture source here

Lilies are my favorite flower (water lilies especially), so these verses mean that much more to me. But even better is the fact that I know Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ know who I am. They love me SO MUCH. They want me to have joy. Pure, lasting, eternal joy that only comes through them. 

Life has not been easy lately. I've been struggling through a personal trial that seems to let up and then I suddenly find myself hunkered down again waiting for the next attack. However, those words of Christ filled my heart with peace and comfort, reminding me that I'm not alone and to stick with it.

To endure well and have faith. 

So that's what I plan to do because Christ hasn't let me down yet, why should He now? I know if I reach out to Him in faith, He will be there and He will provide - just like He promises He will. 

(PS: Love this message from President Eyring: The Reward of Enduring Well)

Aidan Funnies #2

Aidan says the funniest things lately. He is turning more into a talking, little boy vs. a babbling toddler every day. I love it. Here are a few things I actually jotted down. :)

He matched the stickers to the letters. He now knows A is for Aidan, K is for Kimball, M is for Mommy, and D is for Daddy.

I made deviled eggs while Kimball and Aidan were taking a nap. When Aidan woke up he said, "Aidan hungry." He asked me for toast or something, and I told him, "We don't have any bread, but I made some deviled eggs. Do you want one?" He looked super confused, so I explained, "They're really yummy. Do you want to try one? They're in the fridge." He wanders over to the fridge, opens it, sees the deviled eggs on the top rack, and exclaims while grabbing one, "Ohhhhh, YUM-mmy!"

One morning I made paper airplanes. While I folded, Aidan played. He made one fly in the air by holding it in his hand. I asked him where the airplane was flying to, and he said, "Taco Bell!"

Aidan: "Jesus died." 

Me: "Yes, Jesus died, but he's alive again!" 

Aidan: "Jesus resurrected!" 

Me: "Yep, He is resurrected." 

Aidan: "Jesus happy now!" 

"Look Mommy, race tracks!" pointing to a road we're driving by. "Cars racing!"

For a little while he was in the habit of calling Jayze "Jayze" instead of Daddy.

Every time we pass Taco Bell, he says, "Taco Bell!" He does the same thing for Costco and Walmart.

During a rough day, Aidan walked over to where I was sitting down on the couch, kissed my knee, and said, "Love you sooo much, Mommy!"

Jayze: "How do you say cookie in Spanish?"

Aidan: "Spanish!"

While reading scriptures, Jayze starts reading in Spanish. Aidan says, "No! EN-glish, Daddy!"

I dropped Kimball off at a friend's house, but took Aidan with me. When I got back into the van without Kimball, Aidan started whimpering and with a trembling voice said, "Kimball? Kimball? Kimball?" When we were on our way back, I told him we were going to pick up Kimball. He was so excited. When I got out of the car and came back with Kimball, Aidan said, "Kimball! Love him SO much!"

Aidan:"Aidan wear Lightning McQueen shoes." 

Me: "How about your sandals because they're easier to put on?"

Aidan: "No, Lightning McQueen shoes." 

Me: "Okay." 

Aidan suddenly laughs and says: "Ohhh, sorrry." Then, with a decisive nod of his head, he changed his mind and said, "Sandals."

Right before cleaning up his toys during our bedtime routine, Jayze and I said, "K, time to clean up your toys!"

Aidan: "No, brush teeth first!"

Can't go out of order... :)

Me: "Aidan, what's your favorite color?"
Aidan: "Green!"

Me: "What's your favorite animal?" 

Aidan: "Lions!" (but recently he's changed it to giraffes)

Me: "What's your favorite food?"

Aidan: "Peas!" (Me: ???)

Aidan: "I like driving in the car. Kimball happy!"

He's very independent. He's constantly saying, "Aidan's got it!"

After watching Cars 3, I asked Aidan who his favorite character was. He said, "Jackson Storm!"

Watching Cars 3 with his Lightning McQueen hat, shirt, and shoes.

Aidan: "Aidan wants banana."

Me: "Sorry bud, we're all out of bananas."

Aidan: "Go in the van. Drive. Store. Get more bananas. Come home!"

Me: "What do you want for dinner, bud?"

Aidan: "Mmmmm, pizza!"

Me: "We don't have any pizza."

Aidan: "Daddy comes home, go in van, go get pizza." 

Aidan: "You're the best, Mommy!"

Me: "You're the best, Aidan!"

I love this silly, loving, sweet boy of mine. Despite his recent sassiness, he really is the best.