Mother to Not One, But Two

"I got a card in the mail today," I told Jayze as I walked through the door and set my backpack on the floor.

"Yeah? From who?" Jayze asked.

"It's for my birthday," I handed him the card and he read it as I walked away to put my coat in the closet. He called to me, "That was nice of them!"

I called back, "Yeah! I really appreciate it."

But something about it felt a little off, and I couldn't get one phrase out of my head:

"...and now you are an awesome mother! Happy Birthday!"

The simple word "now" stood out like a sore thumb. Now I'm an awesome mother? Wasn't I an awesome mother before? Or, at least a mother?

Was Alma already forgotten?

I went to bed that night thoughtful and restless. I kept mulling the phrase over and over again. Next to me was a beautiful, healthy baby boy, but he was not Alma. He would never be Alma. But didn't Alma count, too?

When Alma died, Jayze and I didn't plan to get pregnant for awhile. We were thinking to wait for a few months, maybe even a year before trying again. I was still heartbroken over losing Alma, and my emotions were too ragged and raw to even allow me to think about being pregnant again. How could I go through 9 months of anxiety with the possibility that my second baby could die too? My mind, heart, and body couldn't even fathom that possibility.

Yet, I longed for a baby...my baby. I longed for Alma. I longed to hold him in my arms again. I yearned to practice motherhood. I got jealous of all of the other mothers I saw on campus, at church, at the grocery store, out walking at the park with their babies in strollers. And not just jealous, but sad because that should have been me with a baby at all of those places, and he was gone. 

But I was and am still his mother.

When Aidan was born, I had a hard time dealing with the mix of feelings. I was so happy and relieved to finally have him here safely. I was so in love that I felt guilty. Here I had one child in my arms, another child in heaven, and enough love in my heart filled to bursting for both of them. Yet, I couldn't physically show my love to Alma. I felt bad because I thought I was suddenly forgetting about Alma. He was somehow slipping away from my memory and, seemingly, from my heart. I didn't know what to do. I cried, wishing he were here to run in and be as obsessed with his little brother as I was.

One night I was having a really hard time. I was trying to do homework, trying to learn how to nurse, trying not to feel guilty for giving Aidan formula, trying not to be stressed out, trying to balance it all - being a wife, a mother, a student, a visiting teacher, a daughter...just trying.

I was rocking Aidan in the dark, trying to get him used to nighttime. Jayze was in the other room doing homework. Aidan slowly finished eating and fell asleep in my arms. I didn't want to let him go. Tears coursed down my cheeks because suddenly I felt guilty. I felt guilty because in that moment I was wishing that I could hold Alma one more time. That all of my troubles and burdens could suddenly disappear. That I could worry about taking care of two kids instead of one.

Suddenly an overwhelming feeling came over me. Alma. My Alma. The same spirit I felt in the hospital and at the funeral home. But this time, there was a little bit of heaven in my home. Reminding me that I'm a mother to not only one, but two. That no matter where my children are, I am their mother.


Aidan is not Alma's replacement. I am not suddenly a mother now because Aidan was born. I became a mother when Alma was born, my firstborn. Just because he's not here and just because I can't practice being his mother here and now doesn't mean that the title is invalid.

Aidan will never be Alma's replacement because Aidan is not Alma. He is his own person. And any more children I have after Aidan won't be Alma either. No baby can ever replace him. Aidan has filled a piece of my heart, but the hole Alma left will never completely be filled until he is in my arms again. I will always long for him because I am his mother.

So this Mother's Day, I am not only celebrating the enormous blessing that I have the sacred opportunity to raise Aidan here on earth, but also the enormous blessing for the sacred experiences I have had and will have with my Alma and that he is our guardian angel. 

Aidan and Alma