What Matters Most

I was out in the foyer sitting with Aidan because he had screamed yet again during Sacrament Meeting. I held him close and tried to listen to the speaker. He was telling his conversion story, and I always love hearing those. I was only able to hear bits and pieces, but one specific one that made it through caught my attention, "My mother was Catholic and always wanted her son to receive the priesthood. She passed away a few years before I joined the [LDS] Church. She was not able to be there physically when I, her son, eventually received the priesthood...but I know she was there."

That last phrase caught my attention because it was so familiar. I've heard similar phrases so many times from people about their loved ones who have passed on. Phrases like:

 "I know my mom was there at my wedding." 

"I felt my dad close by when I graduated college - one of the dreams he had for me."

"My grandpa is my guardian angel."

I've said phrases like that myself about Alma. He's been there during especially tough moments when I've wanted to give up, and he's also been there during special and sacred moments. I know I have felt him close by.

As I sat there in the foyer and thought about how people are able to feel their loved ones, who have passed on, close by (and this isn't unique just to Mormons), it occurred to me that the veil is thinner than we think. It was probably more of a reminder, but it's true! Sometimes I feel like the veil between me and God and my loved ones is a wrought-iron door, but in reality we have angels all around us. And I think that especially includes our loved ones. Sometimes it's just easy to forget as time goes by.

Because it's so easy to forget, I love moments of remembrance. The moments of silence, remembering and respecting those who have lost their lives for our country, or who lost their lives in a senseless shooting or bombing. Or at funerals and memorial services when people speak softly and reverently, trying to keep the spirit of their loved one close by as long as they can before the day-to-day distractions and hustle and bustle somehow whisk him or her away.

I love those moments because it's when people pause and...remember.

Remember their loved ones.
Remember the event.
Remember that this life is not the end.
Remember that we will get to see our loved ones again!

Ever since Alma passed away, it seemed that people wanted us to move forward...move on...get past this...heal right away...because life goes on whether you want it to or not. After someone you love dies, the world just keeps right on spinning, even though it feels like you're stuck in one spot and you're not ever going to move again. You wonder, how can the world go on and expect you to go on? People want you to be the same and are disappointed when you aren't. But how can one be the same and move on after such a life-altering experience?

The truth is, you can't.

Sometimes I get caught up in the desire to be who I was before Alma died. Retain the innocence I lost and not feel a tightening in my throat every time someone asks me how many children I have. Or be able to say without any hesitancy and a smile on my face, "Three boys," rather than having to say with a brave face, "Two boys, with their brother watching over us in heaven."

But I'll never be the same.

My life changed the minute I saw the positive sign on the pregnancy test, the first time I felt Alma kick, and the moment when the nurse couldn't find his beautiful, perfect heartbeat.

And more and more I'm realizing that it's okay that I'll never be the same.

Looking back on how much Heavenly Father has taught me and shown me, I don't want to be the same. Realizing this reminded me of the story about the class criticizing the Martin handcart company. After hearing the story a few years ago, one survivor's quote stuck with me:

"The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company."

("Refined in Our Trials," James E. Faust, 2006)

I've learned - and am still learning - that becoming acquainted with God is such a beautiful thing. He transforms us through our trials. Heartbreak can be a beautiful thing, because the Savior is there to heal us! He can heal any heartbreak that we encounter, and even more - he helps us along in the process.

 
President Uchtdorf told a sweet story about "Great-Aunt Rose" that touched my heart. This part stood out to me:

"Aunt Rose smiled. 'I discovered faith. And faith led to hope. And faith and hope gave me confidence that one day everything would make sense, that because of the Savior, all the wrongs would be made right. After that, I saw the path before me wasn't as dreary and dusty as I had thought. I began to notice the bright blues, the verdant greens, and the fiery reds, and I decided I had a choice - I could hang my head and drag my feet on the dusty road of self-pity, or I could have a little faith, put on a bright dress, slip on my dancing shoes, and skip down the path of life, singing as I went..."

'Faith in the Savior taught me that no matter what happened in the past, my story could have a happy ending...

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away."

(Revelations 21: 3-4, emphasis added)

Trying to have faith in my Savior has taught me that, like Aunt Rose and despite the tragedy of losing Alma, my story can have a happy ending. The Lord promised that very thing when He said:

"But blessed are they who are faithful and endure, whether in life or in death, for they shall inherit eternal life" (D&C 50:5).  

And that's what I want - eternal life. I want to be with my angel again. I want to hold him in my arms and experience him every.single.day. Until then, Alma helps me keep an eternal perspective. He is our angel on the other side of the veil cheering on his family. He's there encouraging us to not give up so that we can all be together as a family.

Because, really, what matters most on both sides of the veil is family.

Whether you're old, young, married, single, divorced, widowed, male, female, teenager, child...whatever...you have family rooting for you - on both sides. Angels are all around us, give them a chance. Like Aunt Rose, choose faith, hope, and confidence in the Savior, because He is the one who provided a way for us to be with our families again.

Because of Him, I'll get to see my Alma. Because of Him, all wrongs can be made right. Because of Him, all tears will be washed away. Because of Him, joy can be found in the journey now.

 

January 1, 2016

4 months

Kimball is four months old! He turned four months on Sept. 10. Sometimes it seems like it has gone by fast, but for the most part, it feels like it has gone by very slowly. Probably because we've moved two times, traveled across eight states, been in three different time zones, and lived in three different places since he was born (ID, MI, KS).

It feels like a lifetime since he was born, so sometimes I'm like, "He's only four months old?" and other times I'm like, "Four months old already!" The latter happens when I'm digging through bigger clothes to replace the ones bursting at the seams.

A few things about our sweet Kimball during his fourth month with us.

No pediatrician yet (working on it!!!)

Sucking on both fists all the time - he might be teething

Almost rolling over (from back to front)

Trying to get him to sleep all the way through the night. Right now I get up with him once around 4 or 5, feed him, then he goes back to sleep. I'm hoping to get him to where he sleeps all the way till 7:00.

Still eating 5oz every 3-3.5 hours - we might up it to 6oz here pretty soon

Loves playing pat-a-cake and peek-a-boo

Loves being tossed in the air.

Jayze is playing peek-a-boo with Kimball. (don't mind our moving mess)

Loves attention

Loves watching his older brother

Loves standing

Loves cooing and talking

Loves being held

Loves getting baths in the sink - not so much in the bathtub

No longer needs to be swaddled! 

Freedom!

Still takes his pacifier. Mostly when he's about to go to sleep. It's still a love-hate relationship.

Has a little mullet going on

Doesn't sleep well in the car seat (unless we're on a road trip) or the bouncer - he prefers his bed or mine or Jayze's arms

 Doesn't like being left out

Still spits up, but is a good burper

Getting better at tummy time

Does this angle make my head look big?

Is getting more and more aware. Whenever I pull the phone out to take a picture of him, he stops smiling, talking, and laughing and stares at the phone.

So smiley

Very ticklish

In general, a really calm, sweet baby. He really only cries when he's hungry, has a wet/messy diaper, or is tired - but in all honesty, who doesn't? :)

We are all so in love with this little baby. Although Aidan prefers to ignore Kimball most of the time, I can tell he misses him when he asks, "Baby?" when Kimball is sleeping or if I'm out with just Aidan. Aidan likes giving Kimball knuckles, kissing Kimball goodnight, and playing patta-cake with him. When he thinks I'm not watching, Aidan will try to give Kimball a cracker (or whatever Aidan is eating at the time) or one of Aidan's stuffed animals. So darn cute.

When your bouncer isn't unpacked and there aren't any couches, this is where you put the baby. :) He was a good sport.

The grief that came with Aidan hasn't been nearly as strong with Kimball. I think it's because we've had so much on our plate since Kimball was born that when the random moments of grief come, I take them as they come and move on. But since we've moved to Kansas, I've been missing Alma more. I've had time to think of what it would be like to mother three boys in our small apartment, notice the different features Kimball has that remind me of Alma, and figure out how to respond to those who say, "Two boys?" The grief makes me even more present and aware of how fleeting life is and how truly grateful I am to have Kimball. Labor and delivery with him was so scary and emotionally taxing. Every time I look at him, I think of what a beautiful baby he is and think of what a miracle it is to hold him in my arms and celebrate each milestone. I also pray every night that he'll have a relationship with Alma. When I see Kimball giggling and smiling at no one in particular, I think that my prayer is being answered.

Love you Kimball-Bimball. I'm so glad I get to experience you.

Flake Adventures in Michigan

A little synopsis of our adventures in Michigan. 

Detroit Tigers Game:
One of the first things we attended. It was so fun! It was scary at first being in downtown Detroit, especially since we'd only arrived in Michigan a few days before. Buuuut, we survived, and I think the kids had fun, too. It was interesting walking the few blocks to the game and seeing all the tall, old buildings that (I found out later) people live in. Very fascinating.

A woman we were sitting next to and chatting with shared her peanuts with us. Even when Aidan's mouth was full, he still wanted more.

Family selfie! I'm surprised it was actually a success.

Southfield Public Library:
We LOVED this place. It was my go-to for taking the kids somewhere, especially on the really hot days. It was free, fun, and close to where we lived.  Win-win-win. It was bigger than any public library I'd been to, and I was pleasantly surprised to find multiple things for kids to do, books to read, and places to explore.

We always walked across this tiny little path from the parking lot to the library's entrance.

Shhhhh...don't wake up the sleeping dragon.

K always in the baby carrier.

The library was close enough that sometimes Jayze walked over after work to meet us.

Hello, Baloo.

Detroit Zoo:
I was fortunate to get to go to the zoo three times. Once with my friend and her cute little boy, and twice with Jayze. We got to see most of the animals there, and it was so fun all three times. It was the second zoo Aidan had been to, and Kimball's first zoo. I think we all liked the penguin exhibit the best.

Never without one of his trucks.

Butterfly garden

Birds - cheep, cheep

Getting tired.

It was so funny. I think Aidan was so fascinated with the air coming out of the vent, that he missed the seal swimming by a few times.

Happy 4th of July!

Round two

 The first time Jayze and I went, we weren't able to see some of the animals because they weren't in their exhibit. The second time, though, we got to catch up on the animals we had missed. The polar bear, wolf, and otter. We also got to see the giraffes in their stall because a baby giraffe had just been born five days earlier. It was so cool seeing the giraffes up close.

The daddy giraffe

Baby giraffe - only five days old

Belle Isle:
This was one of the last things we did. Everyone kept saying how fun it was, and it didn't disappoint. It was a mild, relaxing day, and both kids did great.

Detroit Riverfront:

This was our second time being in downtown Detroit, and it was totally worth it. Despite it being hot and humid, we had an enjoyable time walking along the riverfront. Across the way was Canada - my first time even glimpsing a different country in person. Aidan was absolutely fascinated by the water, and it was fun watching motor boats speeding by.

Hello, Canada

Jayze bought us an ice cream cone because it was so hot. What a guy.

Aidan and Kimball's first carousel ride

Detroit Temple:
We visited the temple grounds multiple times, and I got to go to an endowment session once. It's a small, beautiful temple. The Stake Center is right across the street from it, and there's a big, grassy area right by the parking lot. One of my favorite suburbs of Detroit (Birmingham) isn't too far either.

I love the see the temple.

Parks:
At first I would drive 20 minutes to Starr Jaycee Park, but then I found one wayyy closer (five minutes away). Aidan loved this park, and I really liked it, too. In fact, I wish they had free parks - aka obstacle courses - like this for adults.

Cool dude

Somerset Mall:
We went to the Oakland Mall a couple of times, but people said we needed to check out the Somerset Mall. We only went once, but what we were able to see was pretty impressive. It was huge - tall palm trees inside and a sky walk. It was a fun little outing.

I think since we knew we were only going to be in Michigan for 10 weeks, we tried to take advantage of every weekend we could and every day Jayze got off early to go explore and check things off our "Michigan Bucket List," even if it was just going to the library or park again. Michigan is beautiful. I'm glad we were able to do so much while we were there.