Full Hands

It was a day when it was hard to live in a hotel. 

I felt cooped up, the kids felt cooped up (at least I knew Aidan did). Dinnertime was quickly approaching, but the babe was fussy and wanted to be held and Aidan kept pushing me out of the kitchen wanting me to play with him. All the motivation I had left for making dinner vanished. I gave up and turned on a movie for Aidan so he would be entertained while I fixed up a bottle for Kimball. As I sat in the recliner feeding our precious baby and half-watching the movie with Aidan, feelings of sadness, stress, and anxiety settled over me. Dressed in sweats, hair in a ponytail, and a makeup-free face, I felt bad Jayze would walk in the door any minute to two tired kids and an overwhelmed, unmotivated wife. All I wanted, and felt like I needed, was a break.

When Jayze came home and asked about my day, I asked him if I could pass the baby to him and go lay down on the bed for ten minutes. Just ten minutes. Maybe even five. I just needed even a tiny break from being in the tiny living room all day. Even our tiny bedroom would seem nice and new. Jayze, being the sweet husband he is, offered even more than I asked. He gathered up the kids - Kimball in his car seat and Aidan with sandals on his feet and a toy car in each hand - and took them for a drive around the city.

I was so grateful. I crashed onto our bed and tried to get a few zzzz's. But for some reason I couldn't sleep, so I turned on "Fixer Upper" and vegged on that for a while. My mind finally calmed down enough for me to take a short nap. When I woke up, the hotel room was still empty. Just the sounds from people walking around in the room above us and our A/C running were heard. I lay there for a few minutes soaking in the silence, but then I felt...lonely. I suddenly missed my kiddos and my husband and wanted them to come back. I hoped they were okay. I texted Jayze to tell him I missed them and then thought of my empty arms. Aidan wasn't there crawling around on the bed struggling to climb into them and Kimball wasn't there crying to be held. It was just me.

Ever since we moved to Michigan and have lived in our one-bedroom hotel room, I've tried to get out at least once a day with the kids. We've hit up the zoo, the temple, the park that's twenty minutes away, and the public library (we go there most often because it's close, it's free, and Aidan loves it - he screams his high-pitched scream every time we leave). We've gone downstairs to blow bubbles, gone downstairs to do laundry, gone on walks on the paths around the library, and gone on long drives exploring the city. It's a struggle to get both kids out the door, but once we're out, it's definitely worth it.

It seems that every time I'm out with the kids - Kimball in the baby carrier or in the car seat and Aidan holding my hand in the parking lots - I get the comments:

"Wow, you have your hands full!" 

"How old is your little one?" 

"Two boys? Congratulations, that's wonderful."

I smile and say, with my heart bursting inside and a tinge of sadness, "Yes, yes my hands are full."

And I think, If only they knew.

If only they knew that my hands and arms were so empty a couple of years ago.

If only they knew that I'm a mom to three boys.

If only they knew how broken my heart was.

If only they knew that this young woman lugging around a full diaper bag, a baby in his car seat, and a sweet toddler used to dream of this and ache for it when her dream was shattered by the words, "I'm sorry, there's no heartbeat."

If only they knew that I prayed for these sweet babies after I buried one in the ground.

If only they knew what a struggle it was carrying each of them, hoping and trying to have faith they would make it to my arms alive.

If only they knew of the testimony I had to gain before exercising the faith to try to get pregnant the first time - to want my future to include motherhood.

That everything that includes motherhood is what I am so grateful for - the mess, stress, expense, struggles, tiny hands, pitter-pattering feet, belly laughs, baby smiles, coos, story-time, learning, growing, saying, "no," slobbery kisses, saying, "wuv ooo," prayers, songs - this is what I prayed for.

Having "full hands" to some seems overwhelming. I guess some days it is. But I've also had it the other way, which is also so, so, so overwhelming. Being a stay-at-home mom is hard...but I wouldn't have it any other way because I have had it the other way.

Wanting and needing a break is okay. I think it keeps the whole family sane. But that day in the hotel was a reminder to hold on. Soak in these babies and hold on tightly to them.

It was a reminder of the day I got to hold Alma all day long and how I would give anything to hold him again right now. To have another day with him in my arms.

Some days are long, but the years are short. This time with my precious babies is going by so quickly. It's a reminder to cherish this time because one day down the road when my babies are grown I'll wish people still said to me, "Wow, you have your hands full!"